Original subtitles

Stupid garbage strike going to go on, Ray, huh?

Weeks? Years?

Except in all four food groups just trying to make it across the street.

Yeah, I told you. The strike will go on for as long as it takes. Takes to do

what? Grow rats big enough to run in the Kentucky Derby?

Quick. I certainly hope everybody's going to finish everything on their

because there's not enough room for one more damn chickpea in that dumpster.

I'm sorry, Dana. It kills me to know that I made your life more difficult.

Oh, you feel that bad? Why don't you go back there and jump up and down a couple

of times on that dumpster?

Oh, I would.

I got my party shoes on.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Abe Johnson.

I'm a friend.

Oh, a friend.

Oh, uh, he's in the back just now. Why don't you sit right here and wait for

him? Can I get you something to drink?

Yes. A glass of white wine for you? Right away.

All righty, all righty. Red alert, red alert. I've got a tidbit. I've got a

morsel. See that woman sitting right there? She's waiting for Abe.

Yeah, so?

So she says she's a friend.

Well, that was subtle.

Friend, huh?

That doesn't sound right. We all know Abe doesn't have any friends except us,

and that's mostly in our minds, isn't it? Yes, it's true.

All right.

Who's bringing that garbage from home and dumping it in the stock room?

Uh, Abe, there's a woman at table three ordered a white wine, and I think maybe

you should take it over to her because she says she's a friend of yours.

Oh, what deadbeat is looking to borrow money from me? I'm not going to be

doing... Grace!

Hello, Abe.

Wow, I haven't seen a look like that on Abe's face since he discovered he could

put really cheap scotch in a Chivas bottle and nobody would know the

You look good.

So do you.

So, guess we both look good.

Well, we always have.

Are we allowed to hug?

Yes, I think that would be permissible.

Give a CA bug anybody before?

Unless he's given the Heimlich maneuver.

Even then he wastes the last possible minute.

Go on, let me introduce you to some people that have been gaping at us. All

right. Grace Johnson, this is Jack Stein.

Hi. Meg Tynan. Hi. Ray Litvack. Hi.

Nadine Berkus. And Dana Palladino, my trusty chef.

Dana, it's nice to meet you all.

Nice to meet you.

Grace Johnson.

Yes, I was Abe's wife.

Oh, Abe's wife.

It shouldn't be so odd. It's just, well, we know Abe, and the idea that he would

be married is just odd.

Yeah, we were married, all right.

Twice. Twice? No kidding.

First time, Grace was in law school.

I put her through working at the auto plant.

We were too young and full of ourselves.

Second time was about ten years later. We thought we could make it work again.

But in three short weeks...

We learned. Oh, did we ever. We would fight about everything.

Remember that night at Mayor Young's fundraiser? Now, that wasn't my fault,

You were late. Well, the game was in double overtime. But you could have

Oh, come on now. Don't start this. Isn't reminiscing great, huh?

But let's get back to the present. So what are you doing in town now, Grace?

Well. Just in town on business. I'm with an urban planning firm in Detroit.

Ooh, sounds impressive.

Mayor Giuliani hired the firm to come to New York and consult with his task

force on housing.

My fiancé and I have a way of cutting through all that red tape.

But I didn't want to miss the chance to stop by and say hello to you, Abe.

Well, I'm glad you did. But can we get back to the part about the fiancé?

His name is Andrew.

Oh. I met him at the firm.

I hope this doesn't throw you, Abe.

I didn't want you to hear it from somebody else.

Why would it throw me? I'm happy for you.

Well, congratulations, Gracie.

Always a bride, never a bride's maid, huh?

Congratulations. Congratulations.

Hey, you know what? As long as you two are in town, why don't you bring your

fiancé over? I'll make you a special dinner, the kind of dinner that you can

plan your lifetime over. What do you say?

That sounds great. I mean, if that's okay with you, eh?

Well, why wouldn't it be okay?

Bring the guy in. I'd love to take his money.

Oh, it's settled then. We'll see you tonight.

Oh, terrific.

Well, I've got to go to work. I have a 3 .30 meeting at City Hall.

Well, I'll help you get a cab. Oh, thank you. Bye.

Dana, what in the hell do you think you're doing?

Inviting Abe's ex -wife and a fiancé here for dinner? I mean, that's a

scenario. Jackie, you're completely blind. It's obvious that Grace and Abe

still in love, and tonight I'm going to make them see that.

Oh, now I know your loaf is not completely baked.

They were here all of five minutes and they started to argue. People who care

about each other argue.

That's ridiculous.

You calling me ridiculous?

I didn't say you were ridiculous. I said it was ridiculous.

No, but what's your name?

Abe,

I don't know what Dana was thinking.

Inviting Grace and her fiancé here. But you don't have to be here when they show

up. Take me up on my offer.

Duck out the back for a few hours and let me handle the bar.

Yeah. I don't care about the woman anymore.

We wanted different things out of life. She had her habits and I had mine.

And then there was Biscuit.

Biscuit? Yeah, that damn dog of hers. Man, I hated that mutt.

He was always walking in the bedroom at the wrong time.

Then he'd just stare at us.

Then he'd start throwing himself up against the wall.

I tried to lose him in the park once.

By the time I drove back home, he was already there, sliding across the carpet

on his butt.

Another attractive trait.

and what with Grace getting married and all, it might be nice to put a bottle of

champagne on their table. What do you think? Yeah, I guess so.

Do you happen to remember what kind of champagne that Grace likes?

Yeah, she loves the kind that comes in a bottle with flowers on it. Yeah.

Isn't that interesting that you remember that?

But then I guess when people have been as close as you and Grace, you collect

all those details and when woven together, they form the rich fabric of a

meaningful relationship.

Doesn't Grace look beautiful tonight? Doesn't she, Abe?

You know what? Why don't you go see him to the table, huh?

Abe, go on. Go on, Abe.

Well, hi.

Welcome to Abe Johnson's Blue Shamrock, wholly owned subsidiary of Abe Johnson's

Industry.

I'd like you to meet my fiancé, Andrew Rollins. Well, my pleasure.

I've heard a lot about you, Abe. Well, now, that's first out of the story.

Come on, now, let me take you to your table.

It's a very nice place you have here, Abe.

In fact, New York Magazine said that yours was one of the best little bistros

town. Oh, yeah? Well, my chefs figured out a way to make even the simplest food

very expensive.

We are so proud.

Is that you or me?

Nope, it's me.

Sorry.

Rollins here.

Well, now.

He finally found someone who won't complain when he has to sit in rented

and listen to some politician speed through a speech so he can get back to

mistress. Look, Abe, the Gary Hart campaign was a big mistake for everyone

involved.

Just a second.

Grace, it's the mayor's office. There's apparently been a little glitch. I think

this requires your touch.

Oh, excuse me.

Yes, sir. She's a winner, eh? Yeah, she certainly was in the settlement.

Swish, two points.

So, eh, did Grace talk to you about the dog?

Dog? You mean Biscuit? Did he finally die?

No, no, no, he's fine. It's just that I don't care much for him.

We were hoping that you could take him.

Why? She loves that stupid dog.

Sorry about that.

It was just about biscuits. Well, actually, I've got oriental rugs, Abe,

scoots across them.

And then he's got that skin problem, and, well, how do I say this? He's

in love with my ottoman.

Oh, that's new.

Grace, are you sure you want me to take it?

Yes. I think it would be for the best.

Oh. Well.

Sure, no problem.

Let's just call it my, uh, wedding present to you.

I gotta get back to work.

Nice guy.

Yes.

Here we go again.

Now what's going on? What are they saying, huh? What's the scoop, huh?

I hated that mutt as much as him, but I lived with him.

What's that again?

Nothing.

Uh, Nadine?

said when she called up to confirm a reservation?

Oh, she asked if you were seeing anybody. Of course, I laughed, but not

mean way.

And she said there must be some lucky woman out there just waiting to meet

and I didn't want to get into an argument.

I rely so heavily on tips.

I've got to take a break for a few minutes. Somebody cover for me.

Abe. All right. Are you happy now? Now you've done it. I'm going to go talk to

him.

Abe, look, if you want to talk about it, I'm here for you.

Hey, guys, could you excuse us, please?

Come on, out.

Hurry up.

If you rush me, it'll just take longer.

Zip it up, tuck it in, hands in the air, I'm coming in.

What the hell are you doing? What kind of a place is this? I just wanted to

apologize to Abe. I could never have gotten in the middle of it.

Could we have a private conversation, please? Do you mind?

You're not going to believe what Dana's been up to. She's got it into her head

that you and Grace still have something between you. Is that not the what? I'm

so sorry. I was wrong.

Oh, no.

You were right.

I'm still crazy about her. What?

Uh -huh. I knew it. I was right.

Caladino scores again. I've got a gift. I just got to make sure I use it for

good, not for evil.

My God, she's out of control.

It's just that when I saw Grace again, I realized only a fool could let her go.

Now, wait a minute. Let's examine this, Abe.

Throughout great literature, the fool is the true wise man who sees what no one

else can.

Like in King Lear, the fool... Can't you just accept defeat? Give the

man a shot at his happiness.

What are you saying, Dana? That happiness is hiring attorneys and

the property?

I mean, this is good to know. Maybe for your next birthday, I'll sue you. Well,

at least I don't hide behind my emotions because I'm afraid of getting hurt.

What the hell is that supposed to mean? I think you know.

Oh, well, Dana, that's where you're wrong. I know nothing.

really sorry. I have to go. It's an emergency call.

Super meeting you.

Listen, take care of Grace for me, will you?

Sure.

Look, uh, you gotta talk.

Abe, I didn't mean to upset you. Well, well, you did.

Now, now, I'm sorry to say this. I really am.

I'm not looking forward to this any more than you, but baby, we gotta get

married again.

much in love. It's as if we stepped right in the middle of some Norman

painting. Of course, he probably would have left out the bloodstains on the

and the couple with the pierced lips.

I don't get it. What makes people want to get married? I am perfectly happy on

my own, and I certainly don't want to hear the pitter -pat of little feet,

for someone my size is virtually anyone I date.

Open your heart, Meg.

Look around.

Feel the love.

Does that man have a gun?

Justice of the peace.

Here we go again.

No, Abe, we can wait if you want.

You want to?

No, I was just saying.

No. But we're doing the right thing. Of course. Yeah.

Let's go get a number. Yeah.

Oh, great. Did you hear that?

They're getting cold feet.

Oh, this is trouble.

Trouble caused by you, Dana, as only you can cause it.

Oh, that is a really great dress.

Thank you.

You look very nice in that suit.

Where's Ray?

He's on picket duty. He said he'd try to make it, but when people have to shove

potpourri up their noses just to make it to the bus stop, they tend to get

cranky.

Hey, Jack, can I talk to you a minute?

Sure, yeah.

Everything okay, Abe? Oh, man, I am scared to death. This is the third time.

I crazy? Now, listen to me, Abe. It's never too late to back out. I know, but

can't stop thinking about the good parts of marriage.

Having somebody that you can count on.

Somebody when you need to talk.

I mean, do you ever think about that, man? Well, yeah, sometimes.

But now, bachelorhood, there's some definite advantages.

Yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right. Now, tell me some of those advantages

now. I need to know them now.

All right.

You know, you can play your music really loud. Yeah, yeah.

And you can have your rowing machine right in the living room.

You don't have to pretend you're clearing your throat when you pass gas.

I'm not scoring a lot of points here, am I? No, no.

And then there's something else, man, something I didn't tell you. What, what?

I love her.

Oh, that's great, Abe. That's just great.

What kind of comeback do I have to that?

You're finished, pal.

Stick a fork in you, you're done. That's it.

But I thought you said... No, wait a minute. When do guys like us fall in

About as often as we win the lottery.

You can't walk away from that, Abe.

Look, I know we never talk about it, but this is really what we all wait for.

So forget about it.

You're getting married today, my friend.

You're no help at all, man. What can I do?

You'll love her. You blew it.

I'll bet he's changing his mind. Oh, don't be silly.

It's probably for the best.

I mean, what was I thinking anyway trying to make this work again?

You're right. Let's go. Hey, I mean, marriage is about more than being in

It's about me saying, where were you? Abe saying, this is my side of the bed.

And then the accusations start. Where'd you put my shirt this time? Who left the

bread out on the counter? And then there's sex.

Oh, Grace, you have a classic case of cold feet. There'd be something wrong if

you didn't. And I speak with some authority on this. I have been made of

at five weddings.

So you're saying that all the couples questioned what they were doing, but

got married, and then it worked out okay?

Yeah, of course.

Tom's having an affair, but I don't think Nancy knows about it, so I don't

where that falls.

David and Brian are still together.

Does that count?

Are you Grace's maid of honor?

Yes.

Good luck, dear.

Yeah. All right.

The next couple to be joined in matrimony, Johnson and Johnson.

Is this some sort of gag? Because I've had a real crappy day.

No, that's us.

You ready, Grace?

Yes, I'm ready.

The way people are acting, they think every piece of garbage in the city was

fault.

Hey, you're the ones who all wanted your disposable razors, your microwavable

arm trays.

You think it's easy picking up all that garbage and hauling it away?

My job is much more than that.

Well, it's essentially that, but... All right, it's a lot of that.

I've got to talk to you for a minute. I've made a terrible mistake.

We can't let this happen. They shouldn't be together. They can't do this. He

doesn't know where she put his shirt. She doesn't know which side of the bed

sleep on. There's sex problems, food storage problems.

It's more complicated than you could ever imagine.

Dana, one word.

Love.

What the hell does that mean?

Where are you going?

All right.

Next victims.

I'm your humble servant, Justice of the Peace, Lawrence DePino.

Oh, this is a cute couple. I'm going to love marrying you.

Are these two kids going to make it or what?

I'm never wrong.

No, it's not us.

We're not getting married.

Oh, whatever.

Then who is it? Who is it? Come on, I'm just itching to marry somebody. Come on.

It's us.

Oh, of course. Look at you. This is a couple that can make your heart explode.

And I should know because I have a bypass.

Hey, you.

Garbage man.

What are you doing in here?

I'm a member of the wedding party.

Is this true?

Yes, Your Honor. It's Ray Litvak. He's our friend.

All right.

But you're on my turf now.

So if I throw something on the floor, I expect you to clean it up. You got that,

Litvak?

Yes, sir. All right.

All right, then.

Haven Grace, let's get hitched.

Who's the best man in the maid of honor? Right here.

God. Okay, here we go.

Dearly beloved, we are here to join these two people, Grace and Abe. Wait,

wait a minute.

I gotta stop.

There's something I've gotta say.

Grace, this could be the biggest mistake of our lives,

but I'm not thinking with my head right now.

I gotta believe.

That what I feel in my heart is the truth.

Oh, Abe.

I promise things will be different this time.

I mean, if you have to work late or go on a trip, all you'll hear from me when

you get back is welcome home.

Do you mean that?

Yeah.

Well, if we have to go to some political dinner...

You can wear what you want. You can leave when you want.

And Biscuit sleeps in the kitchen.

Let's get married.

I, Abe Johnson, take you, Grace, to be my lawfully wedded wife.

In sickness and in health.

For richer or poorer, till death do us part.

And I, Grace Fletcher Johnson Johnson, soon to be Johnson Johnson Johnson,

do take you, Abe, to be my lawfully wedded husband, in

sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, until death do us part.

Anybody got any problems with that?

No, I'm fine.

Great. Then, by the power vested in me by the state of New York, I now

you husband and wife.

Kiss the bride. All right.

What are you doing there, Martin?

Are you crying?

There's so much love in this room.

The marriage part of this thing, which is all I do, so go on, get out of here.

got eight more brides to kiss before lunch. Have a nice life. Thanks for

in. Well,

we have ourselves a marriage here.

Hey, what do you say we all go out and raise a glass to the bride and groom?

best man's buying. All right.

Democratic fundraiser by six.

Are you serious? I can't go to that. I'm a Republican now.

What?

Well, when did this happen? Well, the first time I filled out my corporate tax

returns.

You mean I married a Republican?

Oh, my God!

I hope you haven't told anybody else about this. How can you listen to those

taxing thin blue hearts, Gray?

Oh, God, this is so exciting. Wasn't that beautiful? You know, this building

holds so many memories for me. I'm just gonna bask in the after. I think I'll go

downstairs and renew my driver's license.

Good idea.

I'm going to go see if I can get out of jury duty.

Hey, watch my back. I'm going to make a break for the elevator.

You know, Mary Margaret, I don't think I've seen you show emotion like you did

during that ceremony before.

I don't think you saw anything, did you, Ray? Oh, yeah. You're not listening.

You didn't see anything, did you, Ray?

Oh, no, I didn't. You know, I tell you, this is the way to go.

Quick. civil ceremony officiated by a maniac.

You know, it sort of sets the tone for most modern marriages, huh?

No, no, no. If I ever decide to do this, I want a big traditional wedding. You

know, tons of people, beautiful white dress, maybe off -white, black

Sounds intriguing.

Okay, next cake. I'm feeling hot.

Hey, you two little pints of cider, what are you waiting for? You want to get

married? Let's get out of here. I'm right behind you.