Original subtitles

Get off already.

Hey! New Year's Eve has been over for days. We're here to celebrate anyway.

You're another year closer to death. You ever think about that?

I'm already missing 1993.

Oh, I tell you. I started to write my column today.

Nothing. Last year, we had the Butterfly Ghosts, Michael Jackson, Heidi Fleiss,

the Menendez Boys, all capped by the unscheduled bris of John Wayne Bobbitt.

No more scandals left for the rest of the decade.

We barred against our children's scandals, for God's sake.

I'll be up, please, Dave. How you doing, Eric?

All right, Jack.

Hey, have you seen Mary Margaret lately?

Yeah, she hasn't been in here for days.

Well, I saw her at the paper today, but she's been acting kind of strange. In

fact, the other day at the office, I sneezed, right? And she said, and I get

this, God bless you.

And then she gave me a Kleenex out of a purse.

What's going on with Meg, huh?

Why didn't she come in anymore?

Is it because I took iceberg lettuce off the menu?

Tell her it's back.

And I'm willing to serve it with a half a canned pear in heavy syrup.

What more can I do?

Are we talking about Meg here? What has happened to that girl?

Act casual. Act casual.

Everybody, what's going on?

you think of these clowns outside, huh?

Still celebrating New Year's Eve. Pretty annoying, huh? What?

Oh, I didn't notice.

All right, cut the crap. You haven't been here in almost a week. What's going

on? Nothing.

Oh, all right. I'm seeing someone. God, you people are relentless.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You're dating? Hold it a second.

Who is this guy? I mean, what's he like? Is it serious?

He's just a guy, okay?

I've only been out with him four or five times.

In a week?

What about New Year's Eve? Wait a minute, Meg. Did you go out with this

New Year's Eve?

Well, yeah.

Oh, well, I guess it had to happen. Our little girl is growing up.

Harry Margaret, I thought we had a pact. Yes, we shun New Year's Eve. We

ridicule it. I mean, we start false countdowns all night long just to screw

people up.

Yeah, besides, I thought we had an unspoken agreement that, well, you'd be

as long as I'd be alone.

No offense, but that condom in your wallet is so old, it says buy war bonds

the back of it.

No, no, actually, that's not quite accurate. It says supplied by the

Confederacy.

Ray, that is not fair. It's been in there so long, the directions are

Old English.

Hear ye, hear ye. Before pleasuring the wench, remove codpiece.

All right, that's enough.

Besides, you're just trying to distract us from our real mission here, which is

finding out why you had a date on New Year's Eve. Come on, Meg. Look, look,

look. I didn't plan on meeting anybody. It just happened, okay?

Well, I think it's just great. When are you going to bring him in? Are you

kidding? I'd never bring a date in here. It'd be like bringing him to meet my

parents if I had five of them.

Come on.

Bring him in. I'll cook for you. The kind of romantic meal that could really

clench your relationship.

Blue Shamrock. Happy New Year.

Come on.

Meg, bring him in. We're all dying to meet the man who won Meg's heart. No.

Oh, Meg, dear, he's not married, is he?

Because they always say they'll leave their wives, and then suddenly the wife

just happens to catch a mental problem, and they can't leave, or the wife will

commit suicide.

Well, well, you'll never guess who that was.

Ed. Ed?

Ed.

Meg's new boyfriend.

All right, Ed.

Yeah, he's... stopped over at the paper to see you, and they told him you might

be here. I told him to come on over.

Ed's coming.

Ed's coming. Ed's coming. What are you, Paul Revere?

Wow, Ed's coming. Yeah.

Mary Margaret's boyfriend.

Boy, I never thought I'd be saying those words.

I always thought I'd be saying, wow, Phil's coming.

I just only saw you with a Phil. I don't know.

stuff for St.

Patrick's Day.

Don't worry, that gutter will be here when you get back.

Gosh, I swear, this country is full of idiots.

Too bad Japan doesn't need idiots. We'd have a trade surplus.

Hey, sweetie, how are you?

Well, I guess there's no way of getting around this. So, everyone, this is Ed

Barrett. Ed, this is Ray Litback.

Hey, nice to meet you, finally. We've heard so little about you.

This is Nadine.

Oh, my.

Dana Palladino. Well, we. Abe Johnson.

Nice to meet you.

I'm sorry. You do all look the same.

And this, this is Jack Stein.

Hey, how are you? Hey, Jack, it's great to meet you, buddy.

I'm a very big fan of your work. Really? Yeah, I really like that column of

yours this morning on why feminism is dead. Oh, well, I... I write it every

now. It's kind of a holiday tradition.

So, Ed, Ben never did tell us exactly what it is you do. No, I'm a writer,

Sports Illustrated. Maybe you caught my piece on technology and sports in the

90s. Wait a minute. You wrote that? That was pretty good. Thank you. I'm telling

you, the day is coming when the NFL is going to be so wired up and plugged in,

there won't be any room for human error. Tell me about it. Human error is what

sports is all about. Why don't they just take everyone's stats and plug it into

a computer?

and let the machine play the game, for God's sake. For God's sake.

Well, Meg and Ed, Ed and Meg.

So, what did you say for dinner?

Oh, uh, gee, I don't know. Oh, come on, come on. I am in top form tonight. I

think that I could cook you possibly the best meal you've ever had in your life.

How about it? Sounds good to me.

Okay.

This is really nice, I think.

Can we have that table all the way over there? It's all yours.

Jeez.

Can you believe that?

I think for the first time in my life I'm speechless.

I mean, this is too much, isn't it?

What the hell is Meg doing with a guy like that?

I'm telling you, I just don't get it.

Why is Meg settled?

Did Ed remind you of anyone?

Not really.

He actually doesn't know.

Oh, and do you know?

I do, Jack.

And do you?

Hell yeah.

Oh, great. That makes me the only one who doesn't know you.

I don't think we should say anything.

It might be like waking up a sleepwalker, you know? He could snap.

What did you mean by that sleepwalker comment? Come on, spell it.

You know, Jack, ordinarily, I would be laughing up a situation like this, but

this, this is so fraught with potential disaster.

I'm going to stay completely out of it.

By the way, do you like fettuccine bolognese?

Yeah.

Then I think Ed will like it.

What is that supposed to mean?

Oh, this calls for too much self -restraint.

Jack, when you look at Ed, do you see any

resemblance at all to, say, you?

What, are you kidding me?

No. Take another look.

He's not tall, like yourself.

He's free with his opinions, like yourself.

And if you ever showed up at your mother's for dinner, I don't think that

would hesitate to say, why don't you ever call me?

All right, there might be a slight resemblance, you know, like around the

and the nose and the mouth.

Oh, God, why don't I see this before?

I don't know.

I think maybe Meg has some kind of feeling.

Oh, come on, Meg. She's my best friend.

We don't think about each other that way.

Well, maybe you don't think about her that way, but you don't know how she

thinks about you.

I mean, come on.

You are really the only long -term relationship she has ever had.

Okay, we've been through some things together, but, I mean, why would the

be attracted to me?

Well, you're smart, you're funny. I'm sure you're very good at small

repairs.

Not really.

And you're a pretty good kisser.

Dana, Dana, we said we were never going to talk about that again.

I'm sorry, it slipped out.

We didn't know what we were doing. We were temporarily insane.

I know, I know.

So you think I'm a pretty good kisser, huh?

Yeah, how was it for you?

It was pretty great.

These salads are getting cold.

I guess what I'm trying to say, Ed, is that you see Mary Margaret as a woman.

Right. But she's somebody's daughter.

She's somebody's sister. She's not a plaything. Ray.

I just want to make sure Ed and I understand each other.

Well, I enjoyed our little chat.

And, uh, Ed, if you hurt her, I'll snap you in half like a dry twig, buddy.

Bye now.

What are they talking about?

I don't know. What do you mean you don't know?

Dana. A 12 -year friendship is disintegrating right before my eyes, and

don't come back with one new piece of information.

I'm sorry I ever brought it up. This is bad. This is very bad.

I was just thinking about a time that I went to pick her up for the Knicks game,

and she came out wearing a nightgown. She said she had the Hong Kong flu, but

now I'm not so sure.

Do you realize that there are the exact same number of letters in Ed Barrett and

Jack Stein?

Nine. Nine letters.

Jack, you're getting paranoid. You're beginning to sound like Oliver Stone.

listen.

I think you're just going to have to talk to Meg. You know, be honest.

Okay, okay.

You're right.

They're finishing their salads. I'll do it now.

What? Are you crazy?

You're going to go out there and break up with a girl you have no romantic

relationship with while she's on a date with another man?

Go ahead. Make it sound stupid.

You know, Ed, Meg may seem like a tomboy, but she's really very domestic.

You're like children, Ann.

Hey, Dina. Dina needs you.

She does? Oh, that's right. I work here.

You know, it was very, very lovely to meet you, Ann. And may I say, I have one

little tip for you.

Don't minimize foreplay.

It can be the key to sexual longevity.

Simon was perfect.

That's what friends are for, huh?

That's a nice looking salad there.

Iceberg. You can't beat it. You got that right. I hear you. Yeah.

Hi, Meg.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

What, now? Yeah, it's kind of important.

Ed, I'm really sorry.

Thanks, buddy. No problem, buddy.

This better be good.

What is so important that you had to interrupt what is rapidly becoming the

weirdest date of my life? All right, just give me a minute, okay? This isn't

even... Why'd you have trouble talking to me? All right, I'm going to dive

in here. It's about Ed.

What about him? Well, doesn't he remind you of anybody?

Not especially.

Oh, come on. Don't tell me you haven't noticed.

Your Ed could be my less interesting brother.

Okay, so?

There's a few minor similarities in dim light if you squint your eyes, so? So

neither one of us noticed it before because we didn't want to.

Don't you get it, Meg?

You're going out with Ed because you're attracted to me. Oh, wait.

You're not going to say you, are you? I know this is hard. We've got to clean

this up between us. I mean, maybe this is all my fault. You know, look, I'll

have to admit it.

When I first met you, I had a little thing for you. Maybe you sensed it. You

a thing for me? Oh, my God.

It was fleeting.

It went away very quickly, but now I see that you still have a thing for me.

What? You think I have a thing for you?

Where did you get an idea like that? A thing? All right, don't be stupid. Oh,

God. Oh, my God. I never had a thing for you.

Just take a look at him, would you please?

You choose someone that looks exactly like me. Okay, he doesn't have my

shoulders. Look, Jack.

This whole conversation is making me very uncomfortable. Let me just reassure

you that I don't think that Ed is like you at all. Really?

Then what is it that you see in him?

He wrote me a poem.

What? A poem, okay?

Look, if you repeat this, I'll have to have you killed. But Ed and I went on

first date. It was a disaster. I was in a bad mood. I had cramps.

The laundry lost my last pair of legitimately size 10 jeans.

It was just one of those days where everything he said just went the wrong

I just couldn't wait to get rid of him, and I just assumed he'd had as lousy a

time as I had, but the next day he sent me flowers.

A poem.

What are you talking about, a poem? You hate junk like that.

Jack, there's a part of me that you know nothing about.

There was a part of me I know nothing about.

But Ed, he tapped into it right away.

You see, Jack, that's the difference between you and Ed.

He knew what I needed.

On that rotten day, we have a certain chemistry together.

And you and I, well, we're friends.

Really? Really.

Oh, thank God. What a relief.

Jeez, you really had me going there for a minute.

But we're still friends, huh? Yeah.

We're still off at a Rangers game tomorrow night?

Oh, gee.

I don't know.

Oh, you got a date with Ed, huh?

No, I guess.

I just feel a little strange about our talk right now.

Maybe we should wait.

Oh, okay, sure.

That's no problem.

No problem at all.

It was nice talking to you.

Yeah. Oh, uh, one more thing, Ed.

If that is your real name.

If I were to run a TRW on you right now, would I be in for any surprises?

The Jack, eh?

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry about these people who claim to be my friends.

I don't worry about it. They just care about you.

Especially Jack.

He seems to care about you a lot.

I was just wondering, how much do you care about him? What do you mean?

Well, I've been staring at the guy, and there was something about him that seems

really familiar.

And then it suddenly hit me.

He could be my less interesting brother. Oh, very well.

What do you think that means?

Ed, I don't think it means anything, really.

Can we move on to another topic? No, I want to talk about this.

I mean, the whole thing makes me feel kind of weird.

Are you going out with me just because I remind you of him?

Oh, jeez.

Five dates, we're already into the heavy stuff.

Look, Meg, I really like you a lot, but...

I don't think I'm ever going to be able to date you again without wondering who

it is you want to be with.

Maybe we should just be friends.

I've got a lot of friends, Ed.

To be perfectly honest, I was in it for the sex.

It was nice while it lasted.

I'll never forget Tuesday.

Or was it Wednesday?

I'm still going to save that seat for you in the press box at the Stanley Cup.

You better.

Goodbye, Meg.

Bye.

Thanks for the poem.

Hey, it's my pleasure.

Oh, dear.

I think they just broke up. Oh, my God.

It's all my fault. What was I thinking cooking them fettuccine bolognese?

No one looks attractive sucking a noodle into their face.

I should be locked up.

Hey, come on. No sympathy. That's life.

Give me a beer, Abe. What the hell am I doing with a purse?

I'll take it.

I've been looking for one in grape. Now I have the whole purple spectrum.

Hey, if you ever walk in here with a powerfully built sanitation worker with

brush cut, I won't say a word.

By the way, this is just a friendly hug.

And it's over now.

All right, look.

Can't take this personally, Meg. It's just that guys have a hard time

that men and women can really be friends.

For us, that sexual thing always enters into it.

All right, look.

I gotta come clean about this or it just wouldn't be fair. Jack?

There was a time when I was actually attracted to you.

What? Oh, man, I just ate.

Not too long ago, remember when my date for the Hall of Fame banquet bailed at

the last minute and you offered to fill in?

Well, I had a few drinks and I started wondering whether there might not be

something between us. So I tried to picture you naked.

This is just revolting.

But see, here's the thing. Featuring somebody naked is a real test.

Is the picture exciting, or are you distracted by meaningless details, like

it night, is it day, is the wallpaper too big? Oh, Meg, you are absolutely

right. That's exactly what happened to me that time I pictured Ray naked.

What?

You were wearing Argyle socks, and you were separating my paper from my

I don't know what it was.

It's just that it was a really lonely period in my life, and I had become

fond of my cold medication.

Can we get off of Ray, please?

I got problems of my own here. All right, look, I'm naked. Now what?

Well, I took a good look.

And? And then Joe Montana walked in.

He was, of course, naked, too.

Many pushed you into the closet, and I haven't seen you since.

Ah, the mind works in strange ways.

Doug, I think what's being said here is that you and Meg have one of the all

-time great friendships.

Don't question it.

Just relax and appreciate it.

How about that Rangers game tomorrow? Still want to go? You bet.

If I see you staring too long at the goalie, you know, please, don't share

details with me, all right?

I'm out of here. Come on, Ray.

Want to walk uptown a little? Yeah, yeah, I'd feel safer.

Mary Margaret, you never pictured me naked, did you?

I'm doing it right now.

Get out in the sun a little more, Ray.

You're whiter than my refrigerator.

Here, Jack.

On the house.

You deserve it.

Thanks.

It's interesting how it all comes down to chemistry.

Chemistry between friends.

Chemistry between lovers.

I don't know what the hell I was thinking about.

You know, Meg and I could never be interested in each other romantically. I

mean, we get along too well. We agree on everything.

I know what you mean.

A relationship needs a little spice.

A little hot sauce.

Tell me about it.

Dana, what are you doing?

What?

Oh, I was just... Nothing.

Are you picturing me naked?

What if I was?

Don't tell me you haven't ever pictured me naked.

It just so happens that I have.

And?

Well, I must say you're in excellent shape.

But, uh, I really didn't know whether this should be tan lines or not.

What about me?

Well, I made you walk up and down.

Do a couple of turns for me.

I must confess, I like what I saw.

But I didn't know whether to imagine just here or not.

This isn't good, is it? Oh, this is not good. All right.

See you later. Cheer up.

Jack?

No tan line.

Oh, Dana.

Just here.

Now that we know that they

like poems, we should have one ready.

Here we go.

Oh, beautiful.

Insert name here.

Your eyes are like... Pools of blue. Yeah, yeah.

I'm thirsty. Yeah, me too. Let's finish this tomorrow. Yeah, good guy.