Original subtitles

Okay, so what's he doing now?

He's writing.

Hey, stop.

Put your pencil leg in his mouth again. He's blocked.

How do you know?

Because I'm a writer, and that's what I do when I'm blocked.

I stare off into space and pretend I'm thinking, but what I'm really doing is

mentally reorganizing my sneaker collection.

Sometimes I do it by color, other times by date of purchase, and of course, if

I'm really blocked, method of payment.

Well, I think it is incredibly romantic watching a writer finding his muse right

here in the Blue Shamrock. Well, I think it's about time he found his wallet.

That dead beast's been hogging table space for three nights now.

Oh, Abe, don't be a Philistine. Well, what if he's a poet?

Oh, that would be really good news.

Poets always have lots of cash to throw around, being that they're so highly

paid finding words that rhyme with Nantucket.

Andy! How you doing there? Hello, Jack. All right.

Hey, beer, please.

Hey, Ken.

You know that guy? Sure, that's Andrew Barton. No, no.

Yeah, yeah, I met him a few years ago at NYU.

He was teaching a course on the art of the short story, and I was giving a

seminar called The First Amendment, A Slanderer's Best Friend.

I read Manhattan Nocturne last year. It was a Book of the Month Club special.

Oh, yeah, I read that. It was great. Then I returned it in time, got my

back, and kept the handy tote bag.

You know, he bases all the characters in his stories on the people he encounters

in daily life.

Like the rugged sanitation worker he sees at the bar one night, enjoying a

-earned beer after a long day of toiling over the heaps of society's refuse.

Oh, what these eyes have seen, what these hands have touched.

Abe, can I have my own pretzel bowl, please?

Scotty, and they turned out too crumbly. I was going to talk. No, no, no.

Always, always ask us.

So, hey, listen.

Anybody planning to go to the Strand Theater tomorrow night for the movie

of the year? What's going on? Oh, come on. I can't believe you don't know.

They're releasing a restored print of Dr.

Zhivago. Really?

Dr. Zhivago is one of my favorite films. Now, Jack, this is not the doctor movie

you saw at the Pussycat Theater about the freelance gynecologist.

Miss Zhivago, I hear they've done this whole state -of -the -art sound system,

and you can actually hear Omar Sharif's mustache crack when it freezes. Huh?

Come on. Huh? Who's coming?

Well, count me in. I can already smell the popcorn.

All right.

That's Jack. Who else? Sorry, not me, and I've never seen movies more than

I mean, it's not like the story's going to change.

Wait a minute. Aren't you the woman that watched every Amy Fisher movie?

Yes, but please, Jack, each actress brought something special to the role.

Oh, gee, I'd love to, Dana, but I already promised my mom I'd have dinner

place.

Yeah, we'll eat in a simple kitchen.

My grandma's China.

Each chip a memory from the old country.

Mom will have on her one good dress. And the stockings roll down around her

knees.

Can we move along, please?

Okay, so Ray is out. So now we've got me and Dana.

Yeah, so it's Jack and me and who else?

Who else?

Hey, Dean.

You want to go to the movies tomorrow night? I'm paying. Oh, I'd love to. I

really would, but I'm off to visit Charles.

My incarcerated husband, who got caught up in the tide of greed that we now call

the 80s, leaving his attractive yet vulnerable wife and children to fend for

themselves in this concrete jungle, this asphalt isle, this canyon of stone,

this New York.

So that's enough.

Oh, I knew it would come to this. Oh, now, come on, Abe. I know we see each

other every day, but think of this as an opportunity for us to get to know each

other better.

Well, now, why the hell would I want to get to know you better?

Pretty soon you'll be borrowing money from me, expecting me to listen when

you've got something to say.

No, I can't live like that.

Well, I guess that leaves who?

Jack and Dana.

Oh, gee.

Did I say it was free tomorrow?

I'm not sure I can go. Same here. You know, I may go, I may not go. Oh, give

a break. This is ridiculous. You know you both want to go, and you're wasting

our valuable time, time we could be using to pick on Ray. That's right.

This is pretty ridiculous.

I mean, you want to go to the movie, I want to go to the movie. What's the big

deal if we go together?

Well, it's just that I wasn't looking to start dating anybody. That's no

offense.

Date? You said anything about a date.

Dana, look, I mean, how does your mind work?

You think every man in New York is interested in you?

Yeah.

All right, look, I've been on enough dates in my life to know what

date and what does not, and this is definitely not a date. I mean, first of

I'm not paying for you.

Well, I'm not paying for you.

Well, there you have it. I mean, this is not a date.

All right, all right.

I guess we are being stupid about it. I mean, geez, if we can't go to the movies

together. All right.

So where do you want to eat first?

You want to eat first?

But gee, you know, then it's, you know, dinner and a movie, and that's kind of,

kind of datey.

Well, I don't think so. You gotta eat, I gotta eat. How about Chinese?

No good. I'm meeting my editor tonight at a Chinese restaurant. So?

Well, who eats Chinese food two nights in a row?

Five billion Chinese people.

I got a great idea.

The Russian Tea Room. It's a perfect place to put us in the mood for Doc

Zhivago. The Russian Tea Room?

Well, Dana, isn't that considered like a date restaurant?

What does that mean, Jack?

People walk in, order a salad, and take their clothes off?

You're right, you're right, you're right. We'll have a few blinnies. We'll

next to each other in the theater.

Maybe we'll share an armrest.

It'll be okay.

I'm starting to look forward to this. Yeah, me too. I mean, not like I would a

date. Oh, of course not. I probably won't even shave.

Me either.

Good evening.

Welcome to the Russian Tea Room.

May I get you something to drink?

Let's drink ice -cold shots of vodka and toast to a new beginning. Well, gee,

you know, I'm really not much of a vodka drinker. Well, if you're toasting

something, there's nothing like champagne.

Champagne?

We have some very moderately priced bottles.

No, it's not the price. It's just that, you know, champagne is so, you know,

it's so special.

It's all right.

Friends can drink champagne.

You're right.

Why not? Okay, we'll have champagne and we're going to make a toast. Very good.

Well, we negotiated our way through that little minefield.

I don't know why being together is so tough for us.

Maybe it's because Meg is always trying to push us together.

Yeah, well, she's your best friend. She loves you.

Actually, it's very sweet.

And if she doesn't stop it soon, I'm going to have to work her over in a dark

alley.

Oh, wow.

I thought it was you. Nick, oh, my God.

You look absolutely fantastic.

Thanks. How do you? I didn't even know you were in the country. I heard you

traveling. Oh, well, I was. I decided to stick in New York for a while, you

know. Although I must say I do miss Rome. Yeah, God.

Remember that time we saw each other at the Piazza Navona?

Can I get some bread here, please? Just a little bread. And do you remember?

Everybody else has bread. Where's our bread?

Nick, this is my friend, Jack Stein.

Hi, Jack. Nice to meet you. I'm sorry I interrupted your dinner. We don't even

have bread.

Nick, it's so great to see you. I'll give you my number on the way out.

So that was Nick.

So what does Nick do to support himself?

Nick is a record producer.

Oh, a record producer.

So he's one of those guys who bribes radio stations to play his hackneyed rip

-off lip -sync groups.

But he seems nice.

Actually, Nick is one of the all -time great guys.

Why don't you go out with him? What are you trying so hard to fix me up for? I

never even give it a moment's thought. What? You just asked me. I'm making

conversation.

Isn't there something wrong with a woman who just wants to be alone for a while?

No, it's just that, you know, you seem smart, you have a pretty good sense of

humor, and, you know, you look kind of good.

But I'm alone.

Well, you're alone.

You're smart and funny and you don't look so bad.

What the hell is the bread? Where is it?

and occasionally I just kind of drive up on the sidewalk, you see. I mean, you

know, they do that all the time in Italy. It's just, you know, here they

frown on that. Well, if you ever decide to get out of the restaurant business,

you can always drive a cab.

Excuse me.

We're here tonight at our 50th wedding anniversary and we just have to tell you

how much you two remind us when we were young.

That's right.

We were watching you, waiting for our table. You're just like we were at your

age.

Isn't that nice?

Is this an anniversary for you, too?

No. Oh, but don't you worry. I can tell that he loves you very much by the way

he looks at you when you're not looking.

Really? Yes.

Well, listen, good luck to you. Good luck, you two.

You look at me when I'm not looking?

I might have. You know, I guess sometimes.

How do you look at me?

Oh, for God's sake, Stain, I don't know.

Oh, like... like this.

You look at me like that when I'm not even looking at you?

Well, from now on, when I... I'm not looking at you. Don't look at me. Just

that time to look around the room or check the floor for spare changes.

Oh, they want to toast me.

Hi. Good, great.

Good evening.

I heard a rumor that this is your anniversary.

Is there any particular song you would like to hear?

How's about the wedding waltz? No.

You know what?

Um, could you play Larry's Theme from Darling Chicago?

Larry's Theme?

Yes.

That's why I traveled over 1 ,500 miles of frozen wasteland in my bare feet. So

I could come to the United States and play Larry's Theme.

I haven't played it in about 20 minutes.

Let me see if I still can remember it.

Mister, I'd like to buy pretty roses for your wife.

No, she's not my wife.

For your girlfriend.

She's not my girlfriend.

Your niece, Jen. Oh, you're a lady.

Give me the flowers, please.

Your niece.

Would you go away, please?

Here.

What are you doing?

Well, give me the flowers. What am I going to do with them? I don't know.

put them on the table.

All right, fine.

Where's the men's room? It's in the back to the right.

Are you sure?

Because I'm Jewish. I don't want to wander into some back room filled with

Cossacks waiting to club me over the head with a giant peppermint.

I never really liked this jacket.

Really?

Makes me look stumpy.

And I'm not stumpy.

No, no, you're compact.

I should have shaved before I left.

Can I use some of this cologne?

Go crazy.

Damn it, I should have worn a brown tweed.

Not that it matters.

What do I care what somebody else thinks?

What do you think?

I think I'm in love.

We're back.

And all in one piece.

Were you wearing that when I left?

Yeah, I just, I took my jacket off because I was not too warm.

Yeah, you know, I might have. They had it, you know, right out there on the

counter. So I just put it on out of habit, you know?

What habit? You don't put cologne on every day.

How do you know? Do you smell me?

Well, let's make a deal, all right? I won't look at you. You don't go sniffing

around me, okay?

Excuse me.

Would you care for some dessert this evening?

I'd like to suggest a Russian wedding cake.

I must say, you two look like you could be honeymooners, huh?

God, this is ridiculous.

What makes you think we're even a couple? I mean, I could be a lawyer. He

be my client. Or we could be, you know, two bitter scientists getting tanked

because they shut down the Super Collider. Or we could be just two

know, having dinner before a movie. Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I guess it was the champagne and the flowers and Larry's theme. You look so

dressed up.

Boy, you really slapped on that cologne.

So, uh, just coffee, then. Black.

Very good.

Oh, God.

Did I say Ben is buying this?

Oh, my God. He must think we're crazy.

I bet that'll be the last time he tries to make small talk with a customer

again. Hey, look, if we cut down an annoying way to chit -chat, even in a

way, we have done something good for the world.

Oh, man.

Why did you leave your hand there?

What?

Your hand.

You put your hand on mine in what I thought was a friendly way, and you left

there.

I did?

Look, it's still there.

Oh.

You knew it was.

Okay, I did, but after it was there for like a second, you know, I suddenly got

scared that if I took it away, you would think I was rejecting you.

Why don't you just take your hand away? Because I thought that if I did it, it

would seem like I was rejecting you.

Okay, on the count of three.

One, two, three.

Break.

Dana, listen, I have to run. Some kind of crisis in the studio.

But I want to see you now that you're back in town. Catch me up in your life.

Oh, I'd love to see you.

How about dinner Sunday?

Sunday's great.

Great.

Let me give you my new number.

And you can... You can call me anytime.

Great.

See you Sunday.

All right, great. Bye.

Bye, Jerry.

What an idiot.

Crisis in the studio.

What happened? Somebody steal Mick Jagger's walker?

You are so crazy. A few minutes ago, you're trying to set me up with you. Oh,

very nice, Dana. Give any guy your phone number right in front of me.

Exactly. That's what I wanted. But no, you turned it into a date.

Asking a guy to play Larry's theme. What the hell was that all about?

God. And what about you running to the bathroom pouring cologne all over

yourself? Well, excuse me for caring about my appearance.

And I may be so bold as to mention the fact that you took off your jacket,

is a very date -like maneuver.

And furthermore, you showed premeditated date activity by wearing that dress in

the first place.

You're practically naked.

Oh, yes, Dana. When you got dressed tonight, you got dressed for a date.

You are ridiculous.

Am I?

Let me just ask you one question, and I want the truth, as you sit there so

innocently.

Do your panties match your bra?

Yes.

Cotton or silk?

Silk.

Late -trimmed black silk.

All my underwear is late -trimmed black silk.

I sleep in it.

I vacuum in it.

I wish I'd have known that earlier when I was at your place. I'd have spilled

something on the carpet.

You know what, Jack Stein?

It's a good thing you're doing so well on your own because you are nuts.

And somebody would have to be equally nuts to want to go out with you. And you

know what? With all those numerical drugs out there, there's a lot less

women than there used to be. So you better hold on to those bachelor

because you're going to need them.

She just told me she was a hooker.

Hey, look, Dana.

You know, look, I've known plenty of women in my life. Plenty. And I've never

come across anybody like you.

Even Betty Friedan said I was charming for a guy who just didn't get it.

You know, Jack, I think we just have to accept the facts. We're like...

All I'm saying is that we should be able to spend five minutes together without

starting World War III. We're only hurting ourselves.

I mean, we're the ones that didn't get to see Dr. Zhivago.

I went.

What?

When I left, I went to see Zhivago.

Without me? You went without me? I thought I would see you there. I bought

jumbo popcorn and everything.

We had a huge fight. You stormed out of the restaurant.

So? Who holds a grudge? I pushed the maitre d' a little bit on the way out,

I felt...

You really bought me a popcorn?

Sure.

Can't a friend buy popcorn for a friend?

Oh, boy. You're really a piece of work, aren't you?

Yeah, I know.

And I wasn't even trying.

Okay, I'm going to use this ceasefire to make Bahia ground.

I'll feed him on it. Yeah.

See you then.

But, you know...

Ella Fitzgerald is playing a rainbow room next week, and I really want to go,

and I thought I'd ask a friend.

Really?

I love Ella.

Want to give it another shot?

I guess so. I mean, I like to live dangerously.

No, except I just had a thought. I mean, if it's at the rainbow room... Oh, God.

Dancing.

Excuse me.

Are you going to eat that pickle?

Thank you.

What are you doing, Mary Margaret?

I'm connecting with a man, Ray.

As I have been for the past several days, and I must say, I've made quite an

impression on him. You see, I have one of those faces that communicates the

richness and the wisdom of generations.

Of a great Celtic people.

Or is it just that you won't use moisturizer?

I can't take it anymore. Isn't anybody else just dying to know what he's

over there?

Nope. Not unless he's writing a check out to Abe Johnson's Blue Shamrock.

I think one of us should just go and ask him. What writer wouldn't be flattered

by the attention of his devoted fans? I'll do it.

We understand each other.

Hi.

I'm sorry to interrupt you.

I'm eating my fries. You can have the tomato slice.

No, no, no, no, no.

You see, we've been watching you write for the last couple of days, and we

couldn't help but wonder just what it is you're working on.

Oh.

Well, actually, I'm working in a new form, something I've never tried before,

and I've got to admit I could use a little input.

Oh, that's great.

All right, then let me ask you.

Do you think Kramer would ever sleep with Elaine?

Really sad to get to me. I'm really sick of this. I can't believe how many of

these we get.

I'm really feeling frazzled lately. Have you noticed?

Really.

Yeah, this is real funny.

Did you see this by Andrew Barton?

Andrew Barton? Yeah.

He's big time. Yeah, yeah. It's that writer. Yeah, I heard of him.

He's wrote a script.

Andrew Barton wrote a script.

Kramer sleeps with Elaine.

Yeah, that's funny.

Yeah, that's true.

I really want to use that. Yeah.

It's different, though.

You would never expect that. No, it's kind of unexpected.

Kramer sleeps with Elaine.

Andrew Barton.