Original subtitles

So, how'd it go?

What?

Don't toy with me, Jack. You know what I'm talking about.

The stag party.

Uh, it was okay.

You kind of gave me more than that, Jack.

I've never even been to a stag party. Are you kidding?

No. I had to work the night shift when my brother -in -law had his.

By the time I got to the hotel room, all the guys were passed out and strippers

were taking their wallets.

I didn't know if I should say something or if that was part of the tradition, so

I just handed him my wallet and left.

I know you're talking about the stag party over there, and you really don't

to whisper because no one is interested.

Stag party? What stag party? That wasn't a stag party. Who had a stag party? It

was no big deal. A friend of mine had a stag party last night. It was nothing

special. Although they did have a takeoff on a James Bond movie called Dr.

Yes, Yes.

And then there was the stripper. Ah, stripper. All right.

There's a wild girl. I sense wildness. Wild alert. Tell me about it, Jack.

It was nothing much. You know, she sat in my lap.

Can we not talk about this anymore?

Oh, wait a minute.

You went to a stag party, a stripper sat on your lap, and Jack Stein doesn't

want to talk about it? Hey, what's with you, man?

Okay, this goes no farther.

I don't live to regret telling you this, but I felt nothing.

What?

Let me see if I understand this. You felt nothing.

I felt something just knowing you were there.

And this wasn't the only incident.

Last week, I rented the Sports Illustrated swimsuit video. I watched it

times. Nothing.

And then yesterday, the Victoria's Secret catalog was delivered to my home.

In care of my lingerie catalog alias, Jacqueline Stein.

I read it cover to cover.

Nothing.

All right, look, Jack. I'm your best friend. There isn't anything in life

we can't talk about together.

So, come on. What's going on? Look, Meg, I don't want you to take this the wrong

way, but you're a woman. I just don't feel right discussing this with you.

No, I won't accept that. I am not going to let our gender difference get in the

way of my helping you.

And you know something?

The fact that I'm a woman could just lend a unique perspective to things.

So, what do you think?

Maybe I ought to take a look at it.

Oh, what is it?

Oh, my God.

Oh, please.

Oh, please. I am a sports writer. I am in locker rooms all... the time. You are

not special, Jack. Okay, you're a mess.

Each one is special in its own way.

They're like snowflakes.

Hey, everybody.

I'm back.

I've been doing dinner theater in Westchester. I've been playing Oscar and

Odd Couple.

You ought to come and see it.

And let me tell you, Fabio gives a performance that'll make you forget Tony

So what's going on?

Nothing. Look, just go about your own business. Okay, Kip.

Nothing here to see. Just move along.

Hey, Jack, maybe you should tell him. He seems to have special expertise in this

area. That means you're talking about one of two things. Sex or how to get the

most out of the unemployment system.

Last night a stripper sat on Jack's knee and all he could think about was that

she was ruining the crease in his pants.

Mechanical problems, eh, buddy?

Better see a doctor.

A doctor? Get serious. I do not need a doctor.

Jack's right. Come on, I got things in this guy.

You know, but you really shouldn't let sex get in the way of your

I know I never do.

Face it, Jack.

Doctors can be exactly what you need. They can do things now.

They have those pumps.

They work the same way as those little rubber froggy toys.

Squeeze the pump, froggy jumps.

Hey, hemlock.

Okay.

Okay, I'm going to give this another shot.

I think it is probably just all in your head, Jack.

Now think back.

Did anything happen to a fetcher the other day at the game when you went to

men's room?

Did anyone tease you at the trough?

bias as you think, okay? Go on, Jack.

Jack, I don't want to scare you, but you ought to be thinking about what's going

to happen to you the first time you go out with a new woman. You don't want to

discover that you have a serious problem and let it down.

This has never happened to you.

Oh. Any of you. Hey.

Sorry, Jack.

Ray, please, I'm counting on you.

Sorry, Jack.

I'm going to the doctor's. Anybody know one? I need a phone number.

I hear you say you're looking for a doctor. I know a doctor. But, Jack, are

all right? I mean, what seems to be the problem? Problem? No problem.

Oh,

there's no problem.

I see.

The little man in your booth can't seem to raise the drawbridge.

Dear,

just take this number.

My father was a doctor, and he saw... his practice to this consortium, and I

hear they're all very fine physicians.

The grilled salmon's up, Nadine. Table three's about to see God.

So, Jack, how come you're going to the doctor?

Does anyone around here have a life of their own?

Must you all live through me?

Look, this is none of your business, Nadine. So just forget it, okay? Do not

pursue it. Do something else. Find other entrances.

Go! I mean it! Come on!

This part that asks why I'm here, do I have to fill that in? Oh, I'm afraid you

do, Mr. Stein.

You'll have to tell the doctors at some point why you're here. I mean, they're

not mind readers, you know.

Well, what if I just say general checkup? Is that the real reason for

visit? It could be.

with Dr.

Gilroy. Abe and I finally signed a contract, and now he wants to insure me.

Don't tell me Nadine recommended this office. Great.

So what's the problem, Jack? We can't share a waiting room?

Hey, if we get into a fight, there are trained medical personnel right behind

that door.

So, uh, what brings you here?

It's, uh, personal.

You see how he is?

Do you mind?

If you're too embarrassed to write down your little...

you could whisper it to me and I'll write it in with that.

Embarrassed? Who said embarrassed?

Who said I had a problem?

Reason for visit is still blank, Mr. Stein.

Oh, I see you were referred by little Nadine Tuttle. Oh, I worked for her

for many years.

Is that so? Oh, yes, her father.

Dr. Tuttle and I were very close.

Well, I probably shouldn't tell you this, but he and I had a little fling

years ago.

Oh, he was quite the Casanova, Dr. Tuttle. He used to ask me to get dressed

like a nurse for him.

Well, of course, I am a nurse, and when you're in the clothes all day long, you

don't want to be wearing them at night. But I think, I think it helped him.

You know, when men get to be a certain age, it's not so easy. All right, thank

you very much.

That's a very lovely story. All right, it will be right over here.

Oh, Lord, what kind of medical care can we expect when a lunatic like her work

out front?

Well, get used to it.

Once the Clinton health plan kicks in, you'll be begging for Nurse Darcy.

They always have the worst magazine selection. Look at this.

Reader's Digest, 1982.

So, Jack, why...

What?

I said, why are you here?

Just my regular check -up.

Little boy. Little boy. Could you place the place else, please?

Little boy. Little boy.

wrong. I just hate waiting.

Two people came in after me and went in before me. What's that all about?

Dana Palladino.

Right here. Coming.

Sorry, Jack.

I have to go now.

You ought to take a look at this news week. It seems that there has been a

-in at the Watergate Hotel.

Yeah, sure.

But I would like to mention that the socks are at least six ounces, and it's

two -ply gown, so factor that in.

Yeah, okay.

Let's see.

One ten.

What? The scale must be off. I'm one five, not one ten.

The most I've ever weighed is 107, and then I had on a lot of makeup and needed

a haircut.

Listen, honey, as we get older, we all gain a couple of pounds a year.

Now, you want to hop up on the table?

Gently, though. We don't want you to break it. You know, 110 pounds.

I thought you'd be with me in a minute.

Got that urine sample for me, Mr. Stein?

Sorry, it's still warm. I blew on it a little. Is that okay?

umbrella in this and it's party time.

So where's the doctor? How long is this going to take?

It'll just be a minute.

Oh, yeah. I've heard about how long a minute can be in a doctor's waiting

When was his appointment?

Oh, yeah.

Can't hear that one too many times.

Who always closes these lines?

Well, I'm glad you finally came.

I was about to make some shoulder pads out of cotton balls.

105.

Huh.

So, I see you're here for an insurance physical?

Yeah, that's right. Just a quick once -over. I'm sure I'm in perfect health.

Perfect health, you say? When was your last mammogram, Dana?

Uh... Blood panel?

I don't remember.

Pap smear?

Well... Well, we can take care of all that today. I always say, never put off

maintaining your health unless you're a patient of Dr.

Kevorkian.

You and he weren't lab partners in medical school, were you?

Oh, now, Dana, I can tell you're a little tense, but I just want you to

that I have many female patients and they're all very comfortable with me.

I was wondering about that. I've never had a male doctor, and I hope you don't

mind me asking.

I mean, when you examine a woman, do you... Do I ever see her as someone

than a patient?

Oh, that's a very valid question, Dana, and the answer is no. This is a strictly

professional situation.

Now, do you prefer white wine or red?

Just kidding.

second, I'll light the candles.

Kidding again.

This is just a little bit I do to relax my patience.

I'm relaxing you with what I'm saying, okay?

Here we go.

Slide back on the table.

Oh, I'm at the doctor's.

Sitting in a paper gown.

Look like a moron, maybe even a clown.

And when I get off the table, will it make a funny sound?

The scope is in perfect working order.

By the way, I already gave a sample to the other nurse, so if you're looking

more, sorry, I'm all out.

I'm Dr.

Kelly.

What?

Are you okay, Mr. Stein? I get the feeling you weren't expecting a woman

No, I'm fine.

Fine, fine. So what seems to be the problem?

Nothing.

You're just here for a physical?

Just a physical, if that.

I'm actually feeling great right now. I don't even know why I came in. I just

saw a sign over the door and thought I'd look around.

Well, you know, I'm wasting your time. I should go. But, you know, my gown's

open in the back, so you go first.

Wait just a minute. When was the last time you had a complete physical?

Um, never.

Never?

At your age.

Well... It's time for a complete physical. Here, we're going to have to

your blood pressure, heart, prostate, the worst.

Let's start with a few questions.

Do you eat well?

Oh, yeah.

I don't eat double cheeseburgers anymore.

The regular are fine, because if you get bacon on top, you don't even miss the

second burger.

Eat poorly.

Do you exercise?

I'll run if someone's chasing me.

No exercise.

And how's your sex life? Why, have you heard something?

I don't mean to embarrass you.

These are the normal questions I ask all my male patients.

Oh, doctor, everything's working like a charm.

Like a charm.

You sure you want to stay with that answer? I am a doctor, you can tell me.

How did you know, anyway?

I didn't.

The nurse out front just took a guess and filled it in.

You know, a lot of men have one bad experience and overreact.

Let me just ask you a few things.

Do you have a girlfriend?

I did, but I asked her to marry me and she ran away to France.

I'll take that as a no.

And have you had any sexual experiences since then?

Oh, boy, this is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

Not really.

I don't think you have anything to worry about, Mr. Stein.

But first we have to rule out a couple of possibilities.

Just make sure that...

You're physically okay.

Now, this isn't going to hurt a bit, so I just want you to relax.

Now, what method of birth control are you using, Dana?

None. Is that wise?

Well, it's not too big a risk right now, if you know what I mean.

I'm taking a little break from relationships.

You might say... I've had a few that were just a little more trouble than

were worth.

So next time I get involved, I want to be really sure.

And I like somebody who's different from me so I can learn new things. And it

would be nice if they liked to eat because I love to cook.

And someone with a great sense of humor.

That is so hard to find.

Tell me about it.

I am so... tired of being the only one in the relationship who can really fire

off a good one. You and me both.

Try finding someone who'll support you through medical school and not throw it

up to you year after year after year.

Have we discussed vitamin supplements?

Okay, Jack.

Just relax.

And cough.

a little cold.

Ow.

Does this hurt you?

Is intercourse painful, Dana?

No. But then I'm not usually having it with a cold piece of metal that you have

to crank.

Well, Jack, the good news is I can't find anything physically wrong with you.

Well, what the hell's going on?

Your girlfriend abandoned you after you proposed, and a 60 -year -old woman in a

red wig and pasties sat on your knee and stole your wallet.

Frankly, that sounds like enough to turn anybody off.

I think you're just suffering from a bad case of performance anxiety.

So what do I do now?

My prescription?

Find a wonderful woman, take her out, get to know her, and if she's the right

one, I have a feeling that all the pieces will fit together exactly like

supposed to.

In fact, I'd take my reputation on it.

Any samples? On the counter.

That's very nice, Doc, and I appreciate your confidence, but to tell you the

truth, I'm sort of off relationships now.

Where am I going to find somebody I can trust?

Somebody who is as tough as me, but different enough, you know, so that, you

know, it's not boring.

Somebody who makes me laugh for a change.

Do you like to eat?

Yeah, why?

Just asking.

Table four would like a little extra marinara sauce for the penne.

Oh, Dana, I forgot to ask you, how was your doctor's appointment?

Oh, fine.

As a matter of fact, I met someone who knew you.

Nurse Doris? Oh, Nurse Doris.

Oh, my God. I haven't seen her in years.

You know, my father spoke very highly of her, and she was very attached to him.

Yes, I'm sure she was a very dedicated employee.

Oh, yes.

But, you know, once I came home from school, and this was really peculiar, I

found her lying in my parents' bed.

She was wearing her nurse's uniform.

And I remember thinking, that's odd.

And then my father came out of the bathroom, and he said, oh, she'd been

him rearrange the medicine cabinet.

After that, I always wondered if they'd had an affair.

Oh, I'm sure they didn't.

Well, that's too bad, because Mother was doing it with the tennis pro, and I

always thought Daddy should get his fair share.

Hi, everybody.

Beer, please, Aunt.

Hi, Mac.

How'd it go with the doctors, buddy? Is life over, or is Froggy jumping again?

One of the days when a man could walk into a bar and lose himself in the

I'm watching too many Cheers reruns. Real life, Jack.

What the hell's going on with you? All right.

We're all going to have to find something else to interest us because

Stein's little problem is over.

Oh, yeah.

What happened?

All right, look. If this closes the book on this discussion, last night I had a

dream. Yes, so? Well, it was an erotic dream.

Oh, sweet. Yeah, it was the first one I've had in months.

It made me realize, much to my relief, that I really don't have anything to

worry about after all. All right.

That's great, Jack. I feel great for you.

Boy, that must have been quite a dream, huh?

Not that you should feel any obligation to share some details with us.

All right.

But this goes no further, right?

Right? Right.

The subject of my dream was that short one in the kitchen.

Hillary?

No.

Worse. Venom.

What?

You had a dream about me?

Who said you could do that?

Did I say dream? I meant nightmare.

God, you have the ears of a German shepherd.

Something that's none of your business is now being discussed in Chicago. Can

you hear that, too?

So you had a dream about me, huh?

Jack Stein had the chutzpah to dream about Dana Palladino?

All right.

I'm going to let you off the hook this time.

Oh, thank you.

So, uh... How was I?

You'll never know.

I was great, wasn't I?

It's between me and my subconscious.

So did you at least take me to dinner first?

Can we drop this, please?

All right. All right. Fine.

But next time, maybe you should spend a little money on me. You might even get

better results.

I felt that.

Hi. I'm Kip Zuccaro.

I'm here for my 3 o 'clock appointment. Oh, yes.

Stan and the doctor will be with you in a moment.

Excuse me, it says reason for visit.

Do I have to fill that in? Yeah, I'm afraid you do, Mr. Vicarious. The

aren't mind readers, you know.

Man, they're dropping like flies.