Original subtitles

No, sound the death knelf by paper, the Daily Register.

This once proud and venerable archive of world events and great writing will

soon carry, believe it or not, an advertisement on its front page.

The front page, former home of Man Walks on Moon, Kennedy Assassinated, Germany

Surrenders, will now be trumpeting by one brag at the second for a penny.

So, get used to it, dear reader.

If we want to know about peace in the Middle East, the fat cats who own this

paper are hoping we won't mind turning to page three.

As long as on page one, we can find out when it's all -you -can -eat night at

Cap Mandy's house of scampi.

And it goes on from there.

Well, what do you think?

I think I want you to pee off the tab, man, because you're going to be fired.

Go ahead.

Look, Janet from Houseful Hints was so taken by it, she came into my office and

took off all of her clothes.

Just so I could see how easily they could be pressed with a simple copy of

Bartlett's familiar quotations.

You're going to find her ass, too.

Now, you see, look.

You're all way off base here, okay?

I mean, this sort of thing is what the paper expects of Jack Stein. It's why

they hired me.

And if occasionally I rattle the cages of the big boys, I mean, come on. They

know that this comes with the territory.

Hey, Jack.

I really got to hand it to you, pal.

The whole office is talking about it. How do you feel?

Great. I just read it to them.

No, I mean about your punishment.

What? What are you talking about?

Was I talking? I didn't mean to. It was nothing. Beer, please, Abe.

Hey, hey, hey.

What is going on? Tell me.

Well, the guys you called fat cats are kind of angry, so you won't be allowed

write your column for a week.

Okay, look, that's not so bad. I could use a week off.

Movies I would like to see. I could get a steam.

Don't count on it, Jack. You're not getting off that easy. I'm afraid you've

been temporarily reassigned to the dial beat.

The dial beat?

You mean a man who buys his shoes and his drill bits in the same store is now

going to be giving us fashion tips?

Cancel my subscription.

Oh, my God. This is horrible.

They're not going to ask me to cover the grand opening of a Gap, are they? I

mean, for God's sake, we didn't kill anybody.

No, but they want you to cover the closing of Berger's department store.

What? A closing of Berger's? Yeah, the end quote just came over the wire. They

filed for bankruptcy, and Saturday's the last day. Oh, wow.

I can't believe it.

When I was little, my mother used to take me there to buy my Easter hat.

And then we'd have lunch in the tea room. We would be served by waitresses

starched... white aprons, and I always ordered the most perfect chicken salad

sandwich on white toast, and then I would have a hot fudge sundae for

And I had completely forgotten that until I heard the name burgers.

It's funny, but I'm having a flashback, too.

My mom and my sisters used to drag me to that place all the time.

Well, the only fun I ever had was hiding in the racks of clothes, pretending I

was Dr. Richard Kimball looking for the one -armed mannequin.

I got lost there one time.

Yeah, the manager had to make an announcement over the whole PA system.

We have a lost boy in the store.

Anyone missing a rotund child with a brush cut, doesn't know his own name,

please report to the service desk.

Trauma like that really sticks with you, believe me.

I walked out of home alone in a sweat.

Hey, you know, I bet Berger's having a huge run out of business sale.

Not that I want to take advantage of other people's fortune, but hey.

That's the principle this country was founded on.

Yeah, boy, I sure would like to have that chicken salad sandwich one last

Who's in on this, huh? Last shop? Oh, yeah, let's do it.

Hey, Dean.

Is there some problem?

Uh, no. Why?

You just look a little strange.

Come with us to burgers? I can't. Why not? I just don't want to, okay? So

drop it. Just forget it. I'm not kidding. Don't make me say it again.

See, maybe you can settle down. I mean, come on. It's not like you got caught

shoplifting there.

Who told you?

No, no, no. No, no, no. It was not my fault.

I was pledging a sorority, and all I had to do was steal one lousy little

lipstick from burgers. And I would have gotten away with it, too, except for

that security woman.

Mrs. Kiddock, her name was.

Oh, I will never forget her. She was one nasty piece of work. She had these

claws with liver spots on them. I just haven't been back there since, and I

really don't think I'd be comfortable going. Nadine, let me point something

to you.

Burgers is an upscale Fifth Avenue department store.

Security's going to be telling me the whole time.

Oh, what was I thinking? Well, of course you're right.

I don't want my jacket, will you?

Step back, please.

I said step back.

Going up.

God, I hate this assignment.

I'm the guy that went one -on -one with the police commissioner, and now I'm

stuck covering a white seat.

If you don't mind my asking, sir, how long have you been working here?

I've been here since we opened our doors in 19...

Then the market crashed in 29.

I took a lot of people up to the roof that day.

But they found another way to get down.

Well, that makes it, what, 65 years?

Yeah. Hard to believe they're going to close this place.

I guess everybody'd rather shop at some mall now.

Pretty soon, the world is going to be one big gap.

house with.

Sorry.

So, let me ask you something.

How do you feel about the store going out of business?

Oh, oh dear.

Oh, you're not feeling, oh, say, disgruntled about the closing of

you?

Yes, I didn't think I'd take my breaks.

I can tell you how I feel. It stinks.

This has been my home.

I've seen it all here.

Once J. Edgar Hoover got on the elevator.

You're kidding.

No. And I says to him, where can I take you?

And he says, lingerie.

Do you mind if I write some of this down?

Well, you didn't hear it from me.

When he got back on the elevator, he had...

big bags.

And I dropped them off at Ladies Swimwear.

Listen, I'm Jack Stein. I'm a reporter. I'm doing a piece of this place.

Anything else that you want to say?

Yeah.

I'm 78 years old and I drive an elevator.

What the hell am I going to do now?

Fifth floor.

Juniors. Ladies Sportswear.

And better shoes.

Style beat isn't too soft.

Where to, boys?

Sporting goods?

Electronics? Or are you with the FBI?

Well, if there's a heaven, this is it.

Everything is 60 % off, ladies. Start your engines.

Do we even know what you're grabbing there?

It doesn't matter. It's on sale.

The object of the game is to keep the good stuff out of the enemy hands. I'll

worry whether I like it later. That is mine.

Come on, come on.

Time's a -wasting.

What? I'm just looking. I'm looking. I'm putting it back.

Isn't this a beauty?

Can't have enough blue blazers.

Yes, you can.

And you do.

You two are really stuck in a fashion rut. You know, I mean, you need to be

creative. You know, think of clothes as an expression of yourself. Come on,

Nadine. Experiment.

You really think so? I have always wondered what I'd look like in a cat

I've just never been brave enough to actually try one on. How do you go to

bathroom in one of these?

You don't. You just stop all liquids at midnight the night before.

Here, with this, and this, and this, and layer it here. Oh, that's good. Take

that easy.

And you. I think we'll start you off kind of slowly.

Uh -huh.

There. Try that on.

Dana, are you crazy? There's stripes on this shirt. What am I, Cher?

Thank you very much. I really appreciate it. Thank you.

Abe, you will not believe the great stuff that I'm getting here.

Do you know they once sold war bonds in the credit department, and during the

Depression, the lunchroom would let you pay whatever you could afford.

Jeez, there's just so much history in this place.

I cannot believe that people are walking around and scavenging without even

thinking about the fact that this is the end of an era.

Yeah, yeah, that's terrible.

I wonder if they'll sell me this dummy.

What in the hell would you do with a thing like that?

I don't know.

Set it in the booth and make the restaurant look more crowded.

But if my party used the carpool lane.

I mean, I'm sure I'd get a good price on it because I think it's got termites.

That's fine.

What?

Oh, there you are.

Ray, where were you?

Where was I?

I was in the shoe department with you guys.

Looking at a pair of loafers, I turn around, you're gone.

Don't you tell anybody before you walk up and disappear?

Well, we left that trail of breadcrumbs for you. Wasn't that enough?

I'm sorry, Ray. I was interviewing somebody.

Oh, I see. Interviewing. That makes everything all right.

Meanwhile, I'm running around looking for you, not knowing if you left the

or not. I mean, that's the worst part, deciding whether or not to leave the

floor. Well, then somebody can come back and look for you, and then guess what?

You're not on the floor. No, you're on another floor. You're up running around

with some kind of pathetic gerbil in a wheel. I was out there. Hey, Ray!

Will you please calm down?

Look, if we get separated again, just go to the manager's office. Whether they

describe you over the loudspeaker, I promise I'll come and get you.

Hilarious.

Hey, what have we here?

Eighty percent off. Not bad.

Try it on.

That's a little big.

But does it itch?

That's the most important thing.

You don't want something that's going to itch you.

Nope, no itching, no stains, no rips.

But don't you think it's just kind of big?

Tell me I don't look this bad in my underwear.

How do they always build these dressing rooms with fluorescent lights?

Nobody ever looks good under fluorescent lights. Maybe that's part of their

plan. They're saying...

look in this outfit.

Still want to buy it?

I want to know what the deal is with these little security cameras.

Who is it that's watching me in my underwear?

Is it a woman?

Or a man?

Or is the whole thing...

Freak.

Funky Nadine.

Wow.

That's very cute, very adorable. You got a very nice shape on you.

Oh, thank you.

See? I look good. I look hot. You look good. You look hot.

I don't know, Nadine. I think maybe we should try on some other things. That

looks very cute, very adorable. You got a very nice shape on you.

All right, let me ask you something. How long have you been working here?

30 years.

Must have waited on thousands of people.

Come on, this is your last day at burgers. Wouldn't you just like for once

tell the truth?

Okay.

You look like hell.

I just don't know.

You said it doesn't itch. What else do you want to do? Cook your meals and kiss

you goodnight? Buy the damn jacket.

I just don't know.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

That jacket looks absolutely fantastic on you.

It does?

I'm telling you, the cut.

Oh, gorgeous.

But don't you think it's a little big? That's the...

Big is in.

Big is in, Abe. Is this table for sale?

Not now, Abe.

So listen, Laurie, you really think I look goodness?

Fabulous. See?

Can you see how great this looks on you?

Yeah, if you're walking behind me holding it like that.

Are you available on Saturday?

That is so funny. You're a very funny man.

I'll take it.

Like shooting fish in a barrel.

Hey, guys, I saw suits over there that come with two pairs of pants.

And, uh, found underwear on sale.

Six pairs for three dollars.

You're kidding.

God bless America.

A dozen pair of underwear for less than it costs to see a movie.

Look how nice and billowy it is, Jack.

Feel it.

Appreciate its mass.

Well, this takes care of my fall wardrobe.

Let's take a look at these and see what's doing in electronics.

Good idea.

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh.

That jacket looks absolutely fantastic on you.

Just look what it does for those shoulders.

You don't think it's too small, do you?

That's the look.

You would not want to hide that body.

I don't know.

What do you think, Jack?

never had to face a split -finger fastball. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but Barry

never had to deal with a spitball. Hey, Williams, hit Eddie.

Spitball, spitball. They did not throw the kind of heat they do today. I

disagree. My God, these women take forever.

Tell me about it.

Hey, Red, where'd you get that stassy -looking blazer? Right here. You like

Yeah. Hey, does it itch?

I want you to look at yourself in the mirror.

20 years.

You a hooker? No.

No, I have led a very decent life. I have a terrific job. I'm the mother of

grown children. Oh, for God's sake, I'm the only person on my block who pays for

HBO.

Listen, girly, this may be the last day of burgers, but it's not the last

day of me.

Wherever you go,

Whatever you do, I'll be there watching.

Put that scarf back.

The oldest trick in the book.

I've never been so humiliated. I just want to crawl into a hole and die.

Yeah. I don't know why they don't take those fluorescent lights out of the

ladies' dressing room.

Well, I don't know about anybody else, but I cleaned up today.

All right.

What'd you buy?

Underwear and batteries.

That's it.

How about you, Ray?

Oh, underwear and batteries, yeah.

I didn't like any of the batteries I had.

I went down to the tea room.

Got a chicken salad sandwich.

Ate half of it, then thought I'd take the other half with me.

I'm really going to savor this.

Although it's not the same if you don't eat it in the store.

Ground floor, last stop.

Why don't you step get in off, folks.

And thanks for...

at burgers.

So this is it, huh?

This is it?

You know what I'm going to miss most?

Talking to the people.

Mothers coming in or looking around for something for themselves and leaving

with a bag full of clothes for the children.

The new young sales clerks getting their first jobs and

Christmas Eve.

I'm going to have to avoid walking down this block when December 24th rolls

around.

Well, good luck to you.

Got it.

Got it.

Say, can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Do they have elevators at the Gap?

I'm afraid not.

Here it is.

And that's what was so special about a place like Burgers.

Regular people like you and me could spend some time amid the marble and

mahogany and chandeliers.

And for a little while, we could pretend we lived in a gracious mansion where we

were all treated like ladies and gentlemen.

And for this reporter, those days are coming to an end.

Soon all we'll have left are shopping malls with packs of bored teenagers

roaming in search of ever larger pants.

But I'll tell you what they're really searching for.

Character.

The New York that I grew up in had it in spades.

Character that's gone the way of the steeplechase on Coney Island, the

and muggers who said please and thank you.

And now, burgers department store.

It's too bad we don't appreciate those things until they're gone.

Think I'll go take a horse and buggy ride through Central Park.

Would you like a little of my chicken salad sandwich?

John.