Original subtitles

argue with you about it anymore, Ray. That's it. Don't ever, ever drag me to

another comedy club again.

Come on, Mary Margaret. How could you not think it was possible?

What is so funny about a woman doing 25 minutes on the state of her size?

She was wearing a short skirt.

I didn't need any other information.

Come on, Mary Margaret. You were at Dana's party last night. You saw how she

laughed at everything David Letterman said.

And the woman obviously responds to humor.

That's why I have to go to these clothes to pick up pointers.

Do yourself a favor, Ray.

If you want to make Dana laugh, don't do an impression of Captain Kirk picking

up his laundry.

If I hear that bit one more time, I'm going to strap explosives to my body,

into the chuckle hut, and take them all with me.

Hey, a stinger and a vodka rocks for the two male chauvinist pigs at table three

who have been subversively eroding my rights as an individual by undressing me

with their eyes.

No wonder they canceled their entrees.

So what's going on here? You seem bitter and angry.

Feeling very close to you right now.

Well, you know, something happened to me last night at Dana's party.

I was talking to Gloria Steinem, and suddenly I realized that men have been

oppressing me all of these years.

Nadine, unless you're planning on burning some jockey shorts in protest,

at table four just wants more coffee.

Yes, and it's always the woman who's expected to go get it. Now, why do you

think that is, Dave? I don't know, Nadine. Does the word waitress have any

special meaning to you?

All right, yeah, all right.

Hot stuff coming, sir. Hey, all right. Hey, I had a great time at the bar.

Thanks, thanks.

And now for a special treat, Palladino's new...

Banana brulee with mango sauce.

I've been playing with it all day. It came to me in a dream, and I now think

that I have something so special that people will actually request it before

they're executed.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hey, give me a beer, please.

Well, yours truly just came from a school board meeting where the kids

their own attorney because they were kicked out for carrying guns.

The 1990s, a great decade to be a columnist.

That's right, Jack.

Boy, but seriously, I tell you, it's only a matter of time before you hear

parents telling their kids, Now, Jimmy, before Aunt Sylvia comes to visit, make

sure you carry that Derringer she gave you for your birthday.

Aw, Ma, Derringer's a sissy gun. Tommy's got an AK -47.

When your grades are as good as Tommy's, we'll talk.

Thank you.

I'll be here all week.

I'm amazed she can keep her hands off you.

Oh, Dana, I just want to thank you again for a wonderful party last night.

Although I should mention that after talking to Gloria, I did go into your

bathroom and remove my bra.

Now, it didn't seem really safe to burn it, so I just tucked it in some... Oh,

look, Jack!

Hi,

Jack, boy! Wow, I didn't see you come in. Gosh, I wish I'd seen you earlier.

I really do.

Wait a minute. What's going on?

Dana had a party?

Did you guys go?

Who else was there?

Nobody great. Some artists. Some musicians.

A cast of Saturday Night Live.

Okay, okay. Look, the cat's out of the bag. Here, I'm standing right in front

you. Come on. Take your best shot.

Oh, please. Don't flatter yourself.

Why would I even want to go to your party?

I mean, I'm not exactly dying to stand around eating designer pizza while

talking to some guy in a ponytail about which gap ad is my favorite.

You know, I put these evenings together very carefully, and I discovered that

the only people that you're compatible with are Howard Stern, Rush Limbaugh,

that guy that stands on 42nd Street and exposes himself every time the light

turns green.

That's not a fun party, Jack.

All right, wait a minute, wait a minute. Hold on. Dan, can we be honest for a

second?

Okay, maybe I wouldn't have had a good time with your partner.

I mean, we didn't exactly get off to a great start. We were disliking each

immensely and all, but still, I was the only one left out.

That really hurts.

Well, gee, Jack, I would have invited you, but we argue all the time, and I

thought even if I did ask you, you'd say no. Nobody likes to be turned down.

All right, look, all I'm saying is the next time you go partying, just think of

me. That's all.

Oh, please.

You mean you'd accept the invitation?

Well, try me.

How about Sunday night?

Amazingly enough, I'm free. Is this a trick?

Is this a real invitation? I guess it is. Then I guess I'll be there.

Fine. Sunday night, my place. Bring a nice Bordeaux. I'll do the rest.

Okay, but don't you like Burgundy better? I prefer Bordeaux. I like

Bordeaux. Burgundy. Jack.

Okay, Bordeaux.

How did that happen?

I was just minding my own business and all of a sudden I got jacked up.

Dana, I am so sorry. This is all my fault. I just opened my big mouth to

never know when to stop talking. The same thing happened last night when I

telling Gloria Steinem about my first sexual encounter, and she said, shut up,

shut the hell up.

I mean, you'd think I'd learn.

But can I tell you something about Gloria? I get the sense that she's the

of woman... Nadine, shut up, shut the hell up.

Not sad.

You know what I think, Dana?

I think... that deep down inside, you really like Jack and you want to spend

some time with him. That is the craziest thing I ever heard. Then why are you

inviting him over?

Wait a minute.

You're not planning to kill Jack, are you, Dana?

Because too many people know where he's going to be that night.

I would like to go on record right now as saying that Jack Stein is not my

The only thing we even have in common is that we both walk upright.

Although... Sometimes I bet at the end of a long day, Jack just lets his guard

down and lets those knuckles scrape the ground.

I don't know. I think there's a little more going on here than you're willing

admit.

All right. All right. You've got me. I'll come clean. You're absolutely

Uh -huh. I knew it.

There is another reason I want him to come over.

To move my couch.

and the guys delivered it while I was down, so they just dumped it in the

of the floor. So as long as I'm trapped into this invitation business, I might

as well get something out of it.

How in the hell did this happen?

I walk in here living my life, you were witnesses, and all of a sudden, I'm

trapped into going to Dana's place for dinner.

Trapped? Oh, come on, man, you practically begged her for an

I see you got something going for it, Jack, and it concerns me.

Because women who get involved with you tend to disappear and join the witness

protection program.

Oh, please. I feel nothing for that woman.

Frankly, I think she has some very conflicted feelings about me.

I hope she makes a move on me.

I hope she understands that no means no.

I think my cab driver was late for his bomb -making class.

So what's with the unlocked door? I knew you were coming.

Dana, this is New York City.

Don't worry about it. I used to go out with a black belt for a while. He taught

me how to jam a person's nose right up into their brain.

Even if it doesn't kill you, you can never wear sunglasses again.

Unusual furniture.

What'd you do? Bag a court jester and upholster a chair with him?

Yes. Now I'm looking for a nice newspaper man to make into a footstool.

All right, all right. I deserve that.

Sorry about the couch situation, but, you know, I really resisted buying a

for a long time. I think it's so expected in a living room. I used to

old church pew, but, you know, when people sat on it, they felt they

talk.

about decorating, but are you sure you want your couch all the way over there?

Well, let me tell you. Some guys delivered it while I was out, and there

nobody here to tip them, so they just dropped it there and ran. Anyway, it's

your problem.

So, what's in the bag?

Oh, I brought you some things.

First of all, we have the wine, Bordeaux, as requested.

Thank you.

And I also brought the burgundy.

Just try it, just try it.

And hold on, not through yet.

Schindler's Mini Donuts, the world's greatest snack food.

Oh, I make these sometimes, but you know what my secret is? I double the

titanium dioxide and half the monotriglycerides.

And the video of Casablanca. Oh, hey, now we're talking. This is my

favorite movie.

It is? It's mine, too.

Oh, good, and it's the black and white.

What, you didn't think I'd get the color eyes, did you?

I mean, people blame the downfall of society in the Reagan administration.

I think you can definitely trace it right back to the day they put Humphrey

Bogart in a purple tie.

This is my favorite part when Bogart says, I came to Casablanca for the

What waters? We're in the desert.

I was misinformed.

This is great.

I haven't watched Casablanca in almost a year. Maybe after dinner we'll pop into

VCR. That would be fun.

Except that I don't have a TV.

Your TV was stolen. You still leave your door unlocked.

Are you insane?

No, I never had a TV.

Oh, now you're toying with me.

No, no, I just never got around to buying one.

Dana, if you don't have a TV, what are we going to do while we're eating?

So what else you got in that bag?

All right, all right. And last, I have the, uh,

vintage Bobby Halloway record.

Now, this is from my own personal collection.

Of course, you need a turntable to play it, and I guess we'd be asking too much

for someone without a TV. I've got one.

I have a turntable.

I don't trust those TV things. They look like what the ear, nose, and throat

doctors wear on their heads.

All right, the woman has a turntable.

Thank you, Jack.

What do you think?

We've been here several minutes and no hostility.

Wow. Yeah, I thought something felt weird.

How about some wine?

Wine? Sure, great.

How about the burgundy?

Oh.

Here we are.

Just the two of us.

No distractions.

You know, this is great.

We're really going to get to know each other.

No.

This is good.

Bordeaux.

No.

What should we talk about?

Oh, well.

A million things to talk about.

Exactly. Why, there's just a world.

to talk about.

No TV. I just can't get over that.

I'm all right with it, Jack. Really. It's okay.

Oh.

This must be your father's art, right?

Yes, it is.

He gave that to me on my last birthday.

It's one of his favorite pieces.

Really? What's it called?

Jennifer. On Sunday.

Whoa, Jennifer had a pretty rough Saturday.

10 to 1, she calls it sick on Monday.

No TV talk. No art talk.

Boy, we're really batting a thousand.

Okay, now, you know, we can do this. Yes, you're absolutely right. Parafat

hands with Rabin. I mean, I'm sure that we could find... some common ground.

You're right, you're right.

Want to look at some great old pictures?

Oh, yeah. That's my photo album.

I have edited out the awkward puberty years.

Feel free to enjoy me as an adorable child.

Who's this weird kid in black?

Me.

You're dressed in black in every picture. Are you with a band?

Oh, this is me and my dad in Paris.

That's Picasso.

I have a picture of me and Herman Schuster.

He's the guy that changed the scoreboard at Ebbets Field.

Who is this?

Oh, that's my mother.

10. You're kidding.

My dad did.

We each have one dead parent.

All right, I think we're on to something.

You know, Jack, maybe we're trying too hard.

Yeah, could be.

So, uh, tell me about your dad.

Oh, he was a great guy.

He was actually my best friend.

I mean, of course, I didn't realize that until it was too late.

But he was always so proud of the fact that I wanted to be a newspaper man.

And then a week before my first column was published, he died.

That's pretty tough.

My mother was a dancer.

Really? She had quite the flair for the dramatic.

She loved the travel, the parties, being adored after a performance.

She was on tour for most of the year, but she never left me behind.

It was really something to watch her dance.

She was like a woman possessed.

But then she was like that about everything she did.

But it was her perfume that stayed with me.

She would always hold me before I went to sleep at night, and that perfume

just linger.

To this day, it's the last thing I think of before I fall asleep.

Sounds like I really would have liked you, Mom.

So, I just made a simple roasted chicken with rosemary.

Uh, you need any help with it?

Yeah, I'd love some.

So then my father opened the furniture store on Kings Highway in Brooklyn, and

you could get a whole dinette set at his place for like eight bucks.

And you still had two years to pay.

It sounds like growing up in Brooklyn was great.

I still can't believe you haven't been out of the United States. Maybe we could

start you out slowly, like a day trip to Canada. I swear, you'd never even know

you'd left the country.

I don't know. Look, you know, New York.

has always given me everything I need. You know, jazz clubs that are open all

night, eight professional sports teams, and the surprisingly sweet woman that

cooked me a wonderful meal tonight.

Thank you.

Well, look at that.

A whole meal, no fighting, huh?

It's a nice change.

So, how about some dessert and coffee?

Great, but I say we have it on the couch.

The couch?

Yeah. because I'm going to move it.

Oh, Jack.

Look, it's here. I'm here. Come on.

No, really, Bailey. That is not why you are here. Dana, I don't want to hear

another word about it. I am going to move the couch.

Jack, please.

Are you okay?

Dana, did you buy this because you liked it or because it's part of some

physical fitness program?

Is that such a nice thing? I don't want you to do that. You know something? This

thing is unusually heavy.

Let me ask you, does it by any chance pull out into a small retirement

community?

Okay,

I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it. You're turning a color I don't even

recognize. We're on our way. Here we go.

I got it.

Put it down, put it down, put it down. Are you sure?

A little to the left.

That's excellent.

Great. Thank you. You were terrific to do that. Thank you very much.

It's a lot more comfortable than it looked.

Oh, now I know why you don't have a TV.

You can see right into that apartment over there.

They're having a late dinner, too.

How long do you think they've been married?

They look to be in their 60s. I don't know, maybe...

40, 45 years?

They haven't said a word.

I know.

Oh, look, he touched her cheek.

She just kissed his hand.

Looks like it's been a pretty good 45 years.

You think they agree about everything?

I think the touching gets them through a lot.

They thought I'm eating naked?

That soup looks hot.

I love that song.

Yeah, me too.

You know, Jack, tonight has gone better than I ever imagined. And

I just feel awful.

I feel very guilty. I have something to confess to you.

I didn't invite you over here just to have dinner. Dana, look, you don't have

say any more.

I mean, I had a great time, and... I don't think that this night can

end like you want it to.

What?

I think we both know. I mean, I know that as a man, I'm expected to make a

now. But I'm sorry, Dana. I just can't do it.

I mean, physically I could do it.

Even with a slight groin pull, you know, I have no problem with that.

Emotionally, I'm just not ready.

I hope it's okay with you.

Are you kidding?

No.

I need more time.

Oh, you'll get it.

I mean, because I'd like to know because we maybe could use it to plug up the

hole in the ozone layer.

I think we got close enough tonight that we don't have to continue playing these

games. Did you think that an invitation over here to dinner meant that I wanted

to sleep with you?

Let's face it. I mean, you didn't get me up here just to move your couch.

Yes, I did. Oh, Dana.

That's exactly why I asked you up here. I wanted my couch moved. I used you. My

couch is moved.

I thought you would handle this rejection, you know, a little more

Obviously, this is painful for you.

Maybe I should go. I think that's an excellent idea. How about I light you on

fire to speed your departure?

All right. I had a great time anyway.

And, you know, you are a lot nicer than you let on. How dare you say that about

me? Let me just say that you have my word. I won't tell anyone about this.

There's nothing to tell. Oh, I think there is. No, there's not. Oh, yes,

is. Get out!

on you tonight. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure that it was the other way

around. You mean that I wanted you?

Well, you should call a guy from the gas company because I think you got a leak.

Come on. Come on.

You got a little crush on me, don't you?

Dana, I do not have a crush on you.

But let me ask you something.

Would you like me to?

And if so, why?

You are impossible and this conversation is over.

And next time... Every time you come over, you can just keep a lid on that

overworked imagination of yours.

Would you like there to be a next thought?

Would you come?

Sure.

Thursday after work.

I'm getting a new bed delivered.

And I need someone to move...

old one out.

Okay, that's it. I'm out of here.

Good!

Okay, I'll sleep with you. What, would he kill me?

All

right.

You got to Dana's place at 4 today.

You left at 10 .30.

Dinner took an hour.

We've already established there was no TV.

Now, I want to know what the hell happened between you and Dana during

minutes of unaccounted for time.

Nothing happened.

All right.

Let's go over the facts one more time.