Original subtitles

Right, you do recognize me.

Kip Zakaris, actor.

And this actor has just heard the biggest news of his career.

I have just been nominated for Outstanding Guest Actor in a Daytime

Series!

Drink for everybody!

Yes, sir, this is going to kick my career into a whole new gear.

Oh, yeah, it'll be good to get that baby out of reverse, huh?

What's going on? Kip's been nominated for an Emmy.

Oh, oh, for cat's sake, an Emmy. An Emmy, Kip. Kip nominated for an Emmy.

Who'd have thought?

Who would have thought?

Well, technically, it's not an Emmy. It's the All -American Daytime

Achievement Awards.

And where's that held, Kip, in your living room?

Come on, give him a break. I think it's great.

Now, what role was it for, Kip?

Was it the coal miner who got stuck in a mine shaft and was rescued by the band

of little orphans and digging for a dad?

Or was it for the, uh...

a terrorist leader who had amnesia, and I think my name is Fahir.

Actually, Ray, it's for the role of Rick in that soap opera that I did.

I'm sure you all remember that one. Oh, yes, yes, I remember.

You were the handsome drifter who came to town, and that girl Misty fell for

you, even though her mother warned her that you were nothing but trouble, and

then the mother had an affair with you, too, but when you gave the grandmother

that hot oil massage, I said to myself, oh, no, no, no, no, not in my living

room.

One duck, one lamb chopped for table six. I heard a lot of applause. What

they doing, passing around my lemon souffle?

You've got to tell me when these things happen. I like to see the moment when I

change people's lives.

Hey, Dan, guess what?

Oh, don't worry. I didn't get engaged or anything.

Kip here got nominated for an acting award.

Oh, gee, really?

Kip nominated for an award? Well, who would have thought?

Who would have thought?

Now, the way I look at it, it's an honor just to be nominated.

You know, I know... a lot of actors and they all say that, but I have a feeling

they would sell their mothers to win something.

If only it were that simple.

Well, listen up, everybody. This is one of the most important nights of my life

and I want to share it with my friends. I have bought a table for the ceremony

and I want all of you to be my guests. What do you say?

Well, will there be celebrities there or just guys like you?

Abe, there are going to be all the daytime heavy hitters. There are going

talk show hosts, all the big soap opera stars.

Oh, soap operas. I don't understand why people watch those things.

They're an insult to your intelligence.

They're always about some small town where half the people are in a coma and

other half's on trial for putting them in a coma.

And what's with all those guys in the eye patches?

Who the hell's going around poking their eyes out anyway?

Well, I think it'd be great to go.

Maybe I'll be seen on television, you know?

I'll be a first in the lit bag family.

Well, unless you count my sister Louise.

The back of her head was on American Bandstand.

So what about you two?

I can't. I'm busy that night.

Jack, you gotta wait till he tells you what night it is before you say you're

busy.

I'm sorry. I clutched.

It's not so bad, Jack.

You know that morbid fascination we have for plastic surgery?

Yeah. I predict it'll be a smorgasbord of bad eye jobs, breast implants, and

college and mishaps you can't even imagine.

Now, where else can you see all that and get a free meal?

Well, Matt, when you're right, you're right. Kip, count me in. Great.

What about you, Miss Dana?

What? What was that?

Let me make my vote clear.

I'm not inviting you as part of a package like the others.

No.

I am asking you, Miss Dana Palladino, to be my date.

Your date, you say?

Oh, gee.

Now, do you think that's a good idea? I mean, you know, I'm such a powerful

personality. It's just a matter of time before I suck all the attention away

from you.

Look, Dana, I'm going to lay myself on the line here.

People see me as the kind of guy with a lot of self -confidence.

But do you know that the first audition I ever had, the director told me that

I'd have a better chance of becoming the king of France than of ever becoming an

actor?

And maybe you can understand why this nomination means so much to me. And,

if I walk away with that big gold statue, I would just love to have

like you to share it with.

Somebody I could turn to and give a little hug to.

And I'd really rather that person wasn't my agent Lenny.

So, please, Dana, it'd mean a lot to me.

Will there be dancing?

Absolutely. Because I really do love to dance, and between you and me, no one's

asked me lately, so... All right.

You got yourself a date.

Thanks, Dana.

Thanks.

Believe that, Jack?

She's going out with Kip.

I mean, if this is her way of trying to get my attention, doesn't she realize

she doesn't have to play games with me?

Something really weird has happened. Here, I'm going to get some answers.

So, what's the story?

Does Kip have something on you?

He does, doesn't he?

What is it, an incriminating picture of you using a pre -made pie crust?

Well, now, isn't that interesting?

Not only have you eavesdropped on my conversation, but you've gotten all

up about it. Oh, come on. I'm just raising the red flag of caution, that's

I mean...

None of us knows that much about Kip, and you are small. You would fit very

neatly into the trunk of his car, if you know what I mean.

My God, you're jealous. All the abuse that I have heaped on you, and it's just

been a big turn on, hasn't it?

Oh, come on.

You think I'm jealous?

That's hilarious.

You know what I really feel here, Dana?

A very deep sadness that you are so lonely you have to go out with Kip.

I mean...

Wouldn't it be a more interesting evening if you got all dolled up and

for a big night on the town with this?

You know, Jack, sometimes in all of our lives we're called upon to do something

generous. I don't really have the time to go to India and help the poor, so I'm

going to go out with Kip instead.

And I will bet you that I will have a better time with Kip or with this than I

would ever have with you. What is that supposed to mean?

Look, I know what Kip is all about. I know he carries a picture of himself in

his wallet, but you know what?

I just have this feeling that Kip knows how to show a woman a good time. I mean,

after all, the love of your life was married to him.

Now that's hitting below the belt.

And just for the record, I would never ask you out.

So if you have any desire for an active social life, you better put this baby in

the refrigerator.

So, where are Dana and Kip? Shouldn't they be here by now?

Not that I care. I'm just asking. Are you anybody?

Yeah, I'm Connie Chung.

Oh, they're the fellas.

Oh, look at the three of you. Is there anything more handsome than a man in a

tuxedo? And you ladies look very nice, too.

Well, just out of curiosity, did you happen to see Dana and Kip out there?

Not that I care, but, you know, it is getting kind of late.

Not that it's my problem.

Uh -oh, bad eye job coming in at 11 o 'clock.

Don't turn around. She's looking right over here.

Isn't she?

Whoa.

Now that is a bad eye job.

Hey, let's go over there and get some of those jumbo shrimp before the actors

figure out they're free.

Oh, my, this is such an exciting event.

Will you look at all these celebrities? As I was coming in, Monty Hall gave me a

shove and said, move it.

Can you imagine?

Monty Hall said move it to me.

Oh, here comes our nominee.

Hello, hi, how are you? Nice to see you. Hello, hi, how are you? Nice to see

you. Hello, hi, how are you? Nice to see you. Ah, Jacko, there you are. I'm

sorry. We got a little held up, you know, the blinding glare of celebrity.

I think I would give up anything to get my privacy back. Excuse me, would you

like an autograph?

Hi.

Hi.

You clean up pretty nice.

So do you.

Hey.

So, how far along is Kip in his life story?

Is he up to the fourth grade yet, where he was passed over for the role of the

baby Jesus because he was already shaving?

Actually, we had a pretty interesting conversation on the way over here.

You know, Kip's traveled all through Europe.

Unlike you, whose most exotic experience seems to be limited to ordering the

Belgian waffle at the International House of Pancakes.

Dana, I'm sorry I had to indulge a fan.

Why don't we sit down?

Dana, have I told you how absolutely lovely you look tonight?

Well, Kip, you have, but please feel free to tell me as many times as you

I'm just so proud to be here with you tonight.

You are the brightest star in the firmament.

May I get you a cocktail?

Champagne would be nice.

Firmament. That's a big word for Kip.

Tell me you're buying that whole load of phony compliments.

A phony compliment delivered correctly with an art.

You have a lot to learn about women.

Yeah, right.

By the way, you look great in a tuxedo.

Oh, thanks.

See what I mean?

Hey, there's that woman from General Hospital.

The one whose husband was... Kidnapped by the Costa Rican drug lord? It wasn't

her husband. It was her half -brother, the one who was in the snowplow

What's so wrong?

The snowplow accident was Tiffany Slade's boyfriend, the ski instructor.

Tiffany Slade doesn't even have a boyfriend.

She was having an affair with the operating room nurse.

Oh, come on. If you're going to talk, get your facts straight.

Tiffany Slade isn't even on general hospital. She's on the young and the

restless. And she's trying to keep a good -for -nothing husband from finding

about her twin sister, but it's all going to come out at that trial.

Why she soaps?

What else am I supposed to do while I'm ironing?

But I'm going to cut back.

I am.

As soon as I find out who the father of Tiffany Slade's baby is.

Yeah, she's pregnant again.

She is?

When did that happen? Thursday.

She just had a baby on Tuesday.

Here you are, my lady.

Thank you. You having a good time, Dana? I want you to feel comfortable.

Let me know if there's anything else I can get for you. I'm just fine.

Thank you, Kip. As a matter of fact, I haven't had a man be so attentive to me

since I catered a party at Hyannis Court.

I love that perfume you're wearing.

Reminds me of a time I was in the south of France. There was this garden of

wildflowers. Excuse me, would you pass the butter, Kip?

Why, there's no bread on the table yet.

I know that. I just like to have the butter next to me so that when the bread

does come, I don't waste a lot of valuable time looking around for it. All

right?

Thank you.

What's going on, Stein?

You jealous?

Oh, come on. Of course not. You sure are all over them. You're hallucinating.

Have you leaned in any close to yourself?

Be quiet. I can't hear what they're saying.

Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats. The ceremony will begin in a few

minutes. And once more, a reminder, this is a televised event for the Fox

Network, so the doors will be locked and no one will be allowed to leave until

the end of the evening's festivities.

Have a great time.

He's kidding, right?

We can't get out?

They don't want anybody to leave until all the awards are given out. How many

awards are there?

47.

Oh, here you are, kid.

Number 46.

Special effects editing for an informational daytime special and or

series. The All -American Daytime TV Achievement Award goes to... Rodentia,

Malaysia's War on Rats.

What could possibly be so interesting?

Excuse me for a minute. I think I'll run to the ladies' room, although there are

4 ,000 women here in pantyhose, so don't wait up.

Who came in?

Jack, they're standing because a lady is leaving the table.

Oh, we're doing that again now?

You will never guess who I just ran into.

Monty Hall, again.

He was waiting to get into the men's room, and I said to him, this will just

kill you. I said, is that door number one?

And he looked like he wanted to say something to me, but I guess he must

been presenting the next award because he just... Took off and ran right back

into the ballroom.

Boy, for a man his age, he can really move.

Sit down.

Uh -oh, here we go.

Bad face lifted. Table 36.

Check it out. Check it out.

Woo! There was major reconstruction done there.

I'll bet you it's the same crew they used on the Statue of Liberty.

I wonder if she had to get a permit from the city.

flack on her back of all the people who contributed.

No, no, but seriously, Ray, go on over there and put a safety cone by her in

case something falls.

Stop.

I'm just trying to amuse myself, okay? We've been here since March.

Unbelievable. Oh, for God's sake. They wouldn't even let me in the ladies'

They said too many women had hurt themselves trying to crawl out the

Hey, everybody, I think my award's up next.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, Chad Garrett.

Very often, the actors in our next category are called on to portray

personalities, fringe people.

Okay, nuts.

And here to present the most outstanding guest actor...

in a daytime drama, is one of America's most beloved characters and something of

an authority on nut.

Here he is, the host of The Nut Hut, Nutso the Squirrel.

Hey, thanks for the intro. Next time I have trouble hibernating, I'll call you.

Now, I understand we got a bunch of guys running for this doorstop, so I guess

we're going to see some clips right now.

The first clip is of a guy named Kip.

Kip. What the hell kind of a name is that?

Even I wouldn't have a stupid name like that. And I'm vermin.

Anyway, roll it.

Misty, I'm going to lay myself on the line here.

People see me as a guy with a lot of self -confidence.

But did you know that the first time I ever rode a horse, the wrangler told me

that I stood a better chance of becoming the king of France than I've ever

become in a radio program?

So maybe you can understand how much riding that bull means to me.

And, Misty, if I win that big belt buckle tonight,

I would just love to have somebody like you to share it with me.

Somebody like me.

Turn to.

Give a little hug to.

I'd rather that that somebody wasn't my horse, Chet.

to put myself out of my misery.

And the winner is... Whoa!

Look at this, kid.

It's a four -way tie.

Oh, yeah, that happens a lot in the Nobel Prize Committee.

Kip, look, I know we've had our differences in the past, and there was a

when I wished a lot of bad luck on you, but something like this, geez, I mean, I

wouldn't wish this kind of public humiliation on my worst enemy.

I mean, the whole country. All right, all right, all right, Jack, Jack.

Kip, Kip, I gotta tell you, I think you were robbed.

Thank you, Abe, that's very sweet of you.

No, I think I actually saw a guy take your wallet.

Let's quit moping around and go next door to the ball.

Let's go mope over there.

You know, I don't think

we can just pick things up where we left off.

I'm going to need some time.

how we keep running into each other. I feel like we're old pals. Listen, are

going next door to the ball? Because I came stag. Lady, can we make a deal?

give you $100 for a lipstick or $300 if you'll go away.

Far away.

Oh, mister, you've still got it. Come on.

Security! Security! I'll give $500 to anybody with a badge.

with me again.

What are you saying?

That I used Brick's speech to get you to come here with me tonight?

How about word for word?

What are you saying?

That I don't have the capability of expressing myself with my own words?

need some hack writer?

Et tu, Brute?

Excuse me. Kip Zakaris?

Christine Thomas, Entertainment Today. Can you stand up here a second?

Kip, you've made television history here tonight.

Nobody in this room ever remembers anybody losing this big before.

How do you feel about that?

Uh... Let me ask you something, Kip.

Do you remember who won your award last year?

Uh, well, actually, no, I don't. That's right, Kip. Nobody remembers the

winners. Winners, they're a dime a dozen. But spectacular losers like

Now that's a story. Congratulations, Kip.

Reporting live from New York, this is Christine Thomas.

Cut. Good, Kip. Got some good story. Thank you. Appreciate it. Hey, wait,

You know, I never thought of it that way. I mean, who's the biggest loser of

all? Susan Lucci.

Everybody knows who she is. She's got all the big TV deals.

I could be the next Susan Lucci.

Any luck, I'll lose again next year.

Would you mind if we shot a little tape of you here at the bar? Maybe sitting up

at the bar, drinking heavily, or being shunned by your peers, that sort of

thing. No, no, no, that sounds great. Oh, good, good.

Okay.

Uh, Dana, you remember when I said that if I win, I'd like to have somebody that

I could give a little hug to?

Well, I didn't win, but, uh...

I'm still awful glad that

you were here tonight.

And those are my words.

Now, do you mind if I go do this?

It's a showbiz thing.

Do not say a word.

I have a Swiss Army knife in my evening bag, and I am well versed in the use of

any and all attachments.

I'm not going to milk this.

I just have one question.

Who's a better guy?

One who forgets to pull the chair out for you, or the one who pulls the rug

from under you?

These are my choices?

This is why I live with a cat.

So, here we are, all dressed up with no place to go.

Well, I know where I'm going.

Home.

Really? When you hear music like this, it doesn't make you want to take a

cruise around the dance floor?

With who?

You? Why not?

Oh, please, I can't believe you even dance.

Oh, really?

Well, let's just say that as a young man in Brooklyn, my mother enrolled me in

the Evelyn Goldman dance and cotillion class.

Where I gained such a reputation, the neighborhood kids delighted in beating

crap out of me.

That's a good dancer I am.

Come on.

Well, maybe for a minute.

But you better not embarrass me. These are new shoes, and if you step on

Okay, but you're not taking me home.

Who said I wanted you?

Oh, you want to.

They all want to.

I'm telling you, Red, Bob Gibson threw the ball harder than anybody you ever

pitched. I don't know what you're talking about, you little rodent. When

Magli was in his heyday, he could blow balls by anybody, okay?

You know, there's hardly no booze in these drinks. Oh, yeah. Why don't we go

someplace where we can talk?

Where you been all my life?