Original subtitles

I'm Dana Palladino, new chef at the Blue Shamrock. And these are the scallops

you were so clever to order. I hand -picked each mushroom at the produce

the sun was rising. I braised each shallot to perfection in my lucky

if these aren't the best scallops you've ever tasted, then maybe you should go.

Did you see that, Inge? She's serving the customers now. Cooking and serving.

Serving is my job.

If she moves any further into my turf, I'll take her down. She's going down.

Nadine, the woman is saving our tails.

Every table's full.

Business is doubled. What are you saying, Abe? She's more important than I

Well, let me put it this way.

If both you and Dana were drowning in an ocean, I'd use you as a flotation

device to save her.

Oh.

That's very nice. Very nice.

Again with the country western. When is he just going to accept the fact that

Wally left him? I mean, can he listen to this music and still be buried in a

Jewish cemetery?

All right, who played that song again?

Uh -huh.

It's you.

Big surprise.

Listen.

This music might inspire me if I were cooking in Folsom Prison.

Give me all your change.

The old double standard again.

It's okay for you women to mourn a breakup as long as you want. But if a

feels pain from anything less than a gunshot wound, he's weak.

I give up on him.

If only your kind didn't look so damn good naked.

Fine. Mourn her for the rest of your life, but could you do it someplace

You're alienating my customers, not to mention your friends.

I can't take this anymore.

He calls me almost every night at 3 a .m. asking for reasons to live.

Then I hear his annoying voice and I can't think of any.

Tell me about it. So whose turn is it to take him tonight?

Oh, no, don't look at me. I had him last night.

He just sat there on the couch with a remote control, blindly cruising from

station to station. That's what he did when I visited him the night before. He

went from show to show until he finally fell asleep watching them blast kidney

stones on the Discovery Channel.

He's called for desperate measures. We need to try something different.

Well, why can't we just kill him? Oh, is that your answer to everything?

Next day.

Hey. Hey. Hey, you look great, man.

God,

you know what this song reminds me of?

Inbreeding?

Could you show a little sympathy, please?

It's two weeks, and I'm just now starting to realize that I'll never get

her. Let me see what I can do.

Jack, you've been so down lately.

It's time we talk man to man about your breakup with Wally.

We'll talk again soon.

Nobody understands.

You know, you guys, I think the answer to our problem is right in there peeling

potatoes. I mean, I really like Dana, but we can't let our feelings get in the

way. She's the only fresh meat we got.

Yes, we could plan a little get -together and invite them. I don't mean

but I am known for my matchmaking skills.

And there is something about my patio that causes people to fall in love.

Of course, the other day I came outside and found my pool man and my plumber

naked in the jacuzzi.

Oh, yeah, let's all hurry over there.

Come on, wait a minute.

Nobody's asked what I think.

Just because I'm not annoying everybody with my feelings doesn't mean I don't

have any.

I'm kind of sweet on Dan.

She needs a very special man.

And are you that very special man, Ray?

I believe that I am.

You're working with glue today, Ray.

Listen up. We need to find a convenient place to get them together. What about

your place, Abe?

I'm repainting.

I'm having a roach problem.

There's a... There was a murder down the hall.

At least you may. Oh, no, no, no.

Interchanging is not something I do. People come over, they ask you for stuff

eat and drink. Then if you say buzz off, suddenly you're the bad guy. I'm not

putting myself through that hell.

Meg, if you're going out later, make sure you leave me all your numbers.

And keep your phone by the bed.

I'm feeling like I need to talk tonight.

Okay.

Sunday night, my place, 7 o 'clock.

And finally,

it is not my fault. Nadine, Nadine, I told you, when you're in a cab in New

City, never make eye contact with the driver. And if he lights up, don't start

lecturing about secondhand smoke. He was burning trash on the front seat.

So, Meg, this is your place, huh?

This is where you live.

Well, why don't you give us the tour? We've seen the foyer. Let's see the rest

of the place.

This is the rest of the place.

Oh, Meg, dear, I don't mean to pry, but can't you afford something a little more

spacious on your salary?

Yeah, but the guy next door's a mime, so I'm never bothered by noise.

The doorman has accepted the fact that I don't tip at Christmas, and if I'm a

little worse for the wear of a drink, well, the odds are ten to one. If I keel

over, I'll land on the bed.

What the... What the hell is this?

Just a friend.

This is you.

With a rodeo clown. Put it back, Abe.

He's got his hand on your butt.

He was helping me. I fell. Just put it down.

It goes here.

Hey, Mary Margaret, is Dana here yet? She is coming, isn't she?

I brought her a present.

Dana? You invited Dana?

What'd you do that for?

Because. He's an old kid. I thought it might be nice to have a little, uh...

What do you call it? Get -together. Ugh.

Okay, a little get -together to welcome her into our group. Who said we want her

in our group?

She's full of herself, she's pushy, she's opinionated. Who wants to be

person like that?

I agree with Jeff.

Dana just doesn't fit in. She's like some sort of beatnik cook who makes it

as she goes along.

While he followed the rules... And you'd never catch Wally cooking in a crop

top. What is that all about?

Wally.

Nice going, Nadine. Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot.

Hey, everybody. Guess what? In honor of all of you being in my place here for

the first time tonight, I've got a little surprise.

There's a great fight on cable tonight.

Bobo Martinez versus Little Willie Lincoln. Yours truly shelled out 60s

so we could all watch it. Wow, really? That's fantastic.

A little better now, Jack?

A little color back in your face?

Stay with us. You can do it. Come on.

I'll get it.

Hey, Nay. Oh, hello.

Sorry I'm late.

My cabbie had to stop at the gun store to pick up some ammo. He didn't want to

start his shift without a fresh clip.

I brought some crab cakes.

Oh, she brought crab cake.

You made them yourself, didn't you? My God, that was so thoughtful. Isn't that

thoughtful? And you look great.

Doesn't she look great, everybody?

Jack?

You do look great, Dana.

Thanks. I brought you a little something.

Nothing big.

From me to you.

Aw.

Gee, Ray, you didn't have to do that.

I know.

It's a 1965 Barbie. I found it in the landfill.

It's a real collector's item. Yeah.

She's got all her... original hair.

Thank you. I have no idea what to say.

Sorry, she's missing a leg.

That's all right.

I'll dress her in something from the evening collection.

Well, please, enjoy.

You're a very exciting woman, Dana.

Mind if I speak to you for a moment, Ray?

I'm only going to say this once, Ray.

If you distract her from Jack one more time, I'm going to send you next door to

the mime, and you're going to wind up spending the entire evening walking an

imaginary dog through a windstorm. Is that what you want?

Hey, Dana.

Dana. Look who's here. Jack.

Jack. Dana's here.

Hi, Jack.

Hey, Jack.

Why don't you tell Dana that great story about you and Jimmy Breslin on New

Year's Eve?

We went to a party. We got in an argument.

Oh, boy, every time I hear that one, it is.

You don't entertain much, do you?

You seem a little nervous.

Me? I'm fine, fine, fine, fine.

Are there more rooms? Nope, this is it. Oh, God.

One super sub, fully loaded.

you're trying to pull here. Half of it's missing.

Hey, your hauls are really narrow, all right? The end's got knocked off. You

want them? They're on the second and third landings.

I'll take off a buck.

Hey, wait a minute.

I know you.

You're the same guy who delivered that rotten fish to the restaurant a couple

weeks ago.

Yeah, that's right, sweetheart. Well, you'll be pleased to know they gave me

boot. Said I wasn't delivering the fish in a timely manner.

Hey, they got a special weekend rate at the Golden Nugget in Atlantic City, so

they get their haddock on Monday instead of Friday. Where's the fire?

Take this and get out of here before I call your parole officer.

Swinging potty, huh? When's the autopsy?

I'm not eating anything each time, so the rest of you help yourselves.

Everybody, entrees here.

The ends are better. Yeah, the ends are great.

Oh, sorry.

No, go ahead. No!

Please.

Okay.

That piece has a lot of salami in it.

I like salami.

It just looks good because somebody else has it.

Okay, if you're gonna whine.

Thanks.

I didn't expect that from you.

You don't know what to expect from me, do you?

That's good.

That's the way I like it.

Look, um... About what I said the other day.

Maybe I came down a little too hard on women.

They're not all bad.

Mother Teresa seems nice.

Madame Curie did some good work.

Mary Lou Retton, tremendous tumbler.

So, are you a fight fan?

Actually, I haven't seen many.

Although my father once took me to the bullfight in Spain.

Spain, huh?

I never leave New York.

If I want to...

experience an unfamiliar surrounding when nobody speaks English, I go to the

laundry room in my building.

I was practically raised in Europe.

By the time I was 10, I had my own table at Harry's Bar in Venice.

I lost my, oh, how will I say this, my innocence in the coat room at the

You go to museums?

Not much, but I go a lot more often now than all the places that shut my coat.

My father's an artist, you know.

Very avant -garde.

Maybe you've heard of him before.

Dante Palladino?

Oh, I love his stuff.

Some of his paintings are in the modern.

Oh, yeah, right, right. I know exactly who he is.

He's a guy that paints a bunch of little squares on a canvas and then charges

like the price of a house.

Don't reduce my father's art to a stereotype.

He paints little circles.

He says any idiot could paint a square.

Now what?

So this is where everybody is.

All right, roll delete.

Yep, place looks just the same.

What do you mean? You were here for 30 seconds. We split a cab, he came in to

use the phone, and then I threw you out, remember?

You remember it's your way, I'll remember it mine.

How long is six pack of beer?

There's seven people.

That's all right. I'll share one with Dana. Hello.

We haven't been officially introduced.

Kip Sikaris. I'm an actor.

Currently appearing at the East River Playhouse in a little production I put

together called Hamlet My Way.

I'm Dana Palladino.

I'm a chef.

Currently appearing nightly at the Blue Shamrock.

I've been looking forward to this moment.

I've been watching you from afar.

Is that so?

Yes, but I've kept my distance because, like Icarus, one shouldn't fly too close

to the sun.

That's pretty good.

Can I get you a drink, Dana?

Sure. How about some bubbly water?

I swear, Dana, I didn't invite him. I'm sorry if he was hassling you.

Are you kidding? He's hilarious.

Did you hear that whole Icarus bit?

I mean, the sleazy come -on artist? Boy, has he got that character nailed.

Oh, Dana, Dana, I'm sorry to tell you this. He isn't doing a character.

That's Kip.

Oh, come on.

Ah, women having an intense discussion.

Gals, look, I can settle this for you right now.

You can't get rid of cellulite.

Now, let's get out of places and fire the TV, all right? Come on, let's get

ready for a little hand -to -hand combat. Okay, come on, everybody, pile

Lots of them viewing from the center of the bed. Let's go. Come on.

Okay. I'll get you in the middle.

Right in the center.

All right.

Dana. Thanks. It's a little crowded here. You mind if I spoon you?

I think you know the answer to that.

I think we should go. What are you doing? You're all going?

After all the trouble I went to? Come on, I rented a chair.

It's time to let it go.

I'll help you wrap this stuff up.

Okay, fine.

Everybody's leaving, Jack.

Jack, Dana's leaving. Wow, it looks like real hair and it comes out of a spray

can.

I was wondering if maybe you might like to come down with me to the produce mart

in the morning. I've noticed you have a very good eye for vegetables.

Really? Yeah, and, you know, maybe afterward we could reorganize the

together. I'm not very good at that kind of thing, and I think you could help me

make it more efficient.

I would love to do that. Oh, thank you so much for asking me. Oh, sure. You

know, that Wally never let me do anything.

She had to do it all herself. She was such a control freak. She is probably

telling the French how to make wine right now.

Please, please don't ever tell her I said this. I like you better.

Well, everybody, I'm leaving.

Yeah.

Tina, what do you say we share a cab, go get a drink somewhere?

Oh, gee, thanks, Kip, but I'm an ugly drunk, and I bet you'd have a better

alone.

You're right.

Good night, everybody.

Come on, Ray, let's get out of here before we all turn on each other.

I'll see you, Dana.

See you tomorrow at the Shamrock.

Six o 'clock sharp.

Call me later if you feel like talking, whatever.

Dana, can I talk to you for a minute?

Listen,

he'd kill me if he knew I were telling you this, but Jack just confided in me

that he really needs somebody to talk to.

and he thinks you're so smart and so sensitive and so understanding that he'd

really love it if that somebody could be you.

You're lying to your teeth, aren't you?

No, you're good. You're really good.

You're a lot like me.

Somebody left me in the dryer for too long.

Listen, I love Jack like a brother, and it's killing me to see him go through

this.

Can't you just try to get through?

All right, I'll see what I can do.

Yeah.

Hey, Nadine, come here a second. I want to show you something. What? In the

bathroom. What? Just get in here.

Boy, have you got it bad.

I never saw a man hurt over a woman like this.

I must admit, it's a refreshing change of pace.

And pretty sweet.

Yeah.

I find it to be pretty horrible.

Worse than when the Dodgers left Brooklyn.

And that was bad. That was very bad.

I've had my heart broken a few times myself.

More than a few, actually.

The first time I was in love, I was 16.

My French tutor.

Was that the coat room incident?

No, no, that was Jean -Paul, the race car driver.

And then there was Aldo.

My God, Aldo.

My father and I were living at the hotel floor in Rome, and I used to bribe the

doorman a couple of thousand lire so he wouldn't tell my father I was sneaking

out at night.

We'd meet in the Piazza Navona.

Go riding through the cobblestone streets in his motorcycle with the moon

up.

Then there was Sergei. He wrote a concerto for me. He was so sensitive.

Excuse me, was this all one night or did it cover a span of time?

The point I'm trying to make is that I have been through what you're

going through and look, I'm a survivor.

Oh, really?

Have you had any relationships recently?

Well, no.

Why not? You scared?

No.

No, definitely not scared.

I just got used to traveling.

Every once in a while, I would try to put roots down somewhere.

And then I'd start to think of the view from the Gritty Palace onto the Grand

Canal. And I'm gone.

You're scared?

Yeah, maybe a little.

We're lying on a bed.

I know.

This isn't my usual side.

I like to be closer to the bathroom.

I like to be by a window with a fire escape.

You know, I feel a little better now.

You do?

Yeah, I'm not sure why, but I do.

You maybe want to have a cup of coffee or something?

Well, okay.

As long as you're buying.

I never said that.

They're trying to fix this up, you know. Oh, gee, it's not too obvious.

I'm perfectly capable of getting my own date.

Me too.

God, you and I dating.

What were they thinking?

Tell me about it.

Don't put your ear on my toothbrush glass.

Why are you talking? I'm not sure.

We're staying in here until they leave.

Would you like me to give you a facial?

Such a pretty girl. Look at this. Why don't you just let the world be?

I'm telling you, darling, if you'd get up ten minutes earlier in the day, you'd

be a beauty.

But the tragedy of over -tweezing is that that doesn't grow back.

Try not to smile, okay? We're working on the laugh line.

Sectioning is key. I'm going to make you one of those braids. I love those

braids. Men find them irresistible. I know I do. Well, not on a mat.