Original subtitles

Eh!

Cup of coffee, please. Yeah,

nothing like a good cup of coffee in the middle of the afternoon.

Not the middle, exactly.

More 12 -ish, huh?

1224, to be exact.

Yay!

What you got there, Ray? A new watch?

You noticed, huh?

Yep, it's new, all right.

That must have set you back a little.

Yeah, I guess it's extravagant, but yesterday my tax refund came, and I

it might be my last for the next 48 years, so I figured, what the hell, why

treat yourself, huh? Yeah, and it'll give you something to pawn after the tax

hikes.

Let me take a closer look at that, Ray.

Hi, Ray.

Oh, what have we here? A new watch.

Yeah, I've had my eye on this beauty for months now.

Never thought I'd own it, though.

What do you think? I think it's very nice.

The styling is so delicate.

Is this what men are wearing these days?

What are you saying?

It's small?

It's not small. It's elegant.

Here, I'll show you. Wally knows fashion.

Hey, Wally, take a look at my new watch.

Oh, wow.

That's gorgeous, Ray. Really elegant.

Are men wearing little watches now?

It's not that little. Oh, yes, it is.

You want to know what I think? I think you got just enough of a girl's watch.

Get out of here.

This is no girl's watch.

It's expensive.

Expensive watches look like them.

Oh, yeah? Then why is the band so skinny, huh?

And look, look, you got it in the first hole tight as a drum.

Your fingers are turning blue, man.

I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah. I bought a man's watch. I know a

man's watch when I see one. Mm -hmm.

Good afternoon, everybody.

Okay, here we go.

Hey, Mary Margaret, take a look at my new watch.

Oh, Ray.

Granny Litvak finally passed away. I'm sorry.

That's it. It's going back.

Oh, de -stress yourself, Ray. It's a beautiful day.

You're smiling, Meg.

You on painkillers?

No, bartender Abe.

I'm just a happy all -American girl. You know why?

It's opening day. Oh, yeah, right, right.

Yup. Every year, Jack and I kick off the baseball season by going up to the

house that Ruth built. We sit in the cheap seats, yell at the umps, and taunt

the other team's bullpen about why Slim Fast hasn't worked for them.

I love baseball.

I was a Little League mom for years. I know all about the game. For instance,

between innings, the players love sunflower seeds and orange slices.

And if they win, they get so excited because they're taken to the Dairy Queen

where each one gets a small cone and a dilly bar. That's why they run off the

field so fast at the end of the game.

You don't actually think Major Leaguers are running to the Dairy Queen, do you?

No, of course not. They're headed to a hotel for staking prostitutes, but it's

the same principle.

You know what the best part is?

I'll get to spend an entire afternoon with Jack. The guy's my best friend, and

never see him anymore.

Not since Princess Wally got here.

Hello, sports fans.

Boy, baseball fever's really in the air.

Even the thugs have switched over from guns to bats.

Oh, you ready to go, Meg? I got my ticket, 50 bucks, and my mouth's all set

the perfect ballpark, Frank. Cooked exactly the way it should be, under a

bulb. All right.

Bye, guys.

I'll be ready to go in a minute. Okay.

What? Nadine, I'm going to the game now. And don't name the lobsters tonight.

You get too attached.

Okay, what are we waiting for? We've got a baseball game to go to. Excuse me.

What's going on here?

She's going?

It's supposed to be just the two of us. That's the tradition.

Yeah, well, I invited Wally to join us.

And you want to go? Yeah, I want to go.

Well, like a lot? Just average or not that much?

Is there a problem here?

Listen, I just thought it would be nice if the two most important women in my

life, you know, spent a little time together.

It's not like I'm ripping your heart out, Meg.

Well, I mean, is that an option?

I mean, look at her with that mitt.

It's Ray's.

He gave it to me for catching fly balls.

Ray.

Oh, man, Ray.

No self -respecting man takes a mitt to a ball game.

Must everything be a test of my manhood?

You know, Meg, you've been trying to come in between me and Wally since the

beginning. Now, it's not going to work. When are you going to realize that we

are for real? Oh, please.

Ten to one, you two will break up before they start hiding Al Gore.

How could you do it, Jack? How could you invite Wally to our opening day?

All I want is for you two to be friends. Is that too much to ask? Yes.

Is it customary for people to breed at baseball games?

Are you sure we can't get better seats?

We can get better seats, but, you know, we like sitting here. You know, the

cheap seats with the real fans. Yeah, every time I come, I'm locked in a press

box. I never get to experience the game with the civilians.

Except once a year, with Jack.

It's our tradition that we've been observing for eight years.

Jack and I. All right, fine, I can live with that. No problem.

Come on, you lazy bums!

Five million a year and you can't stop. Why can't I?

My mother can move faster than you, you bunch of Barbie dolls!

This is just a question, but why do all the men in our section have their

stomachs hanging over their belts?

It's a look.

Okay, Jack, here we go. Here comes the first pitch of the season.

Steer right!

The hat. What?

Wally, honey, look,

that hat, let me see. You got it all wrong. My head's filling the hollow

What else is there to know?

Wally, honey, this is not a baseball cap. You know, when the bill is bigger

the part that fits over your head, you've crossed the line from baseball

some sort of yachting thing.

Look around. This is not exactly a nautical group.

Some of these people haven't seen water in months.

I don't care. I'm wearing...

Molly, honey, I don't think you have to worry about your mitt.

I've been going to baseball games ever since all the owners were racist bigots,

and I've never caught a foul ball.

Three bags up here.

That kid looks familiar.

Hey! Hey!

Watch it, pal! What are you doing?

What am I doing? That kid threw those peanuts right at me. He aimed at me.

That's what he's supposed to do. It's part of the...

fear. Well, somebody should have told me that. Well, now you know.

Now I know.

Hey, that was deliberate. Did you see that? That was deliberate. No, it

Wally. Yeah, it was. That'll be two bucks.

Wait a minute. Aren't you the kid that delivered our deli food last week? Yeah,

that can't be. Mr. Cat's coming with his wife. But he wasn't exactly twisting

around.

Oh, hey, two bags of peanuts down here.

Show off, little runt.

The kid's money for the peanut guy.

Here.

Guy, we got a problem, man. We're a little short. It's $1 .75.

I need two bucks.

Excuse me, little boy. You're short 25 cents.

What are you talking about? I passed down eight quarters.

Count it again.

Count it again.

I did. You're short. What are you trying to do, lady? Pinch the kid's coin?

Oh, this is insane. You know what you are? You're a menace to society. Yeah,

like you aren't. All right, look.

I have a quarter. Forget it.

Obviously trying to rip us off for 25 cents. Oh, yeah, that's what I'm doing.

Then I can buy that nice villa in France I've had my eye on.

Sit down.

I am missing the game.

Here is your quarter.

Now take a hike.

Ah, must I go?

All right, I just want to tell you, it's been sheer heaven seeing a boat of

yours again.

Peanuts in the shell. Go to hell.

Okay, two up, two down. Let's get one more and we...

just spilled a beer on my back. Oh, it seeped me through.

I really feel very sorry about that lady.

$3 .50 down the drain.

Holly, take my jacket. I'll go and try and get this drawn off or something.

wait. Aren't you that guy, the columnist Jack Stein?

Yeah, that's me. Baseball fans are the greatest. This is my wife.

She hates your guts.

What's your name?

Marion. To Fat Marion.

Get a life.

Jack Stein.

Thank you very much, Jack.

That guy's up because he's a designated hitter. No, not that.

Meg, why don't you like me?

Oh, man.

Can I sit with you?

Come on, Meg.

You're never nice to me. You never cut me any slack. I want to know why.

Don't pull any punches.

All right.

All right. You want to know what the deal is? I'll tell you.

Jack has been my best friend for the past 12 years.

And then you waltz in, and that's the end of me.

Never thought something like that would happen.

But it did.

Besides, you don't like me.

What do you mean, I don't like you? I never said that. You don't have to say

I can tell.

I'm cheap seats, heavy salt, spilled beer.

Not your kind.

Now, you see, you don't know what you're talking about.

Actually, there's a lot about you that I admire.

Like what?

Like the way you don't let things get to you.

You put things into perspective, and you don't mince your words. You just come

right out and say what's on your mind.

You're really rude.

Thanks. You're welcome.

And you know what?

I guess I kind of noticed you're not the pushover I thought you were.

It's pretty hard to make a go of a restaurant I'd hang out in.

I'm going to have to start tipping.

You see, we're making headway here.

So tell me.

Any special guy in your life?

Yeah, you're really pushing it.

Just answer the question.

The answer is no.

I tell you, I'm in such a slump, I might be sent back down to the minors.

Let's baseball talk for I haven't gotten any in 15 months.

15 months? Will you please?

Amy Latter, they're going to put it up on the scoreboard.

Oh, God, I can't believe that slipped out. You have to promise not to ever,

repeat that.

I mean it.

Not like I haven't had opportunities.

I've had them.

I've had plenty.

Plenty.

Yeah, I know what you're going through.

The last year of my marriage to Kip was completely sexless. Get out of here. An

entire year?

Charge!

Charge.

13 months and 7 days, to be exact.

Thank God Jack came into my life before I started listening to country music.

He's not perfect.

Jack does have his quirks. Tell me about it.

I mean, I feel like I can't tell him some things because he'll, you know,

overreact. What kind of things?

You have to promise not to tell Jack this.

Do you mind?

We're talking here.

Go on, Wally. What is it?

I've been going to therapy once a week.

Really?

Just once a week?

It's not like I'm psychotic or anything. I mean, it's just that I drive myself

too hard, and I can't shake the feeling of failure after my divorce. So I

decided to see someone.

But Jack's always putting down therapy.

He says if American Express will give you a credit card, then you're stable

enough to handle your problems by yourself.

Hey!

Sorry it took so long, but...

I was watching some idiot on his cellular phone.

Couldn't find a nice, quiet place to talk, so I went to a phone booth.

Progress.

So, anything good happen while I was gone, gals?

Oh, nothing much.

Except this.

I caught a fly ball.

Get out of town!

She's got great hands, Jack. Just like the Say Hey Kid plucked it right out of

the air.

Fantastic. Good for you.

But you know what the odds are? Two fly balls coming to my seat, I'm screwed for

another 42 years.

Well, then.

My gift to you.

May you cherish it always.

So, anybody want coffee? I'll

go. Yeah, I'll have one. Lots of sugar. Okay.

So, listen, is it my imagination or you two almost getting along?

Yeah, actually, I guess we are.

So what did you talk about while I was gone?

Nothing. Just stuff.

Like what?

You weren't talking about me, were you?

Do you care?

Sure, no.

We had the ball game, for God's sake.

She talked about me, didn't she?

What did she say?

I can't tell you. It's private.

possibly say to you that you couldn't tell me your best friend for how many

years may 12 12 years can we just drop this jack and watch the game it's bad

isn't it come on may you got to tell me now look i am going to ask you a

question i want a straight answer don't hold back is wally seeing someone else

leave it alone jack really oh my god i had a feeling here every wednesday

morning she disappears from 9 to 11 says she's going to go see the fish guy but

she never smells like fish Do I know him? Is he Jewish?

That'd be a real blow to the Jewish guy. Jack, get a grip.

All right, look.

You're my best friend.

You're one of the few people I don't enjoy seeing in pain, so I'm going to

you. But you can't tell anybody.

Well, he isn't seeing another guy.

Thank God.

He's seeing a therapist.

What? Are you kidding?

A therapist?

Why couldn't she just be dating another Jewish guy?

What the hell is she in the therapist for? She said she needs to talk to

somebody. What about me? She can talk to me. Other people talk to me. You talk

to me. Not as often as... Hi.

What? Nothing.

Who are you just talking about? Who was talking?

All right, coffee's all around.

God, all they had was non -dairy creamer. They said I'm the only person

ever complained in the entire history of the stadium.

That could really be annoying.

Did that annoy you?

Yeah, I guess so.

Something like that would annoy me.

You want to talk about it?

No, not really.

It's okay, Wally. You can talk to me.

I'm here to listen to you.

Absolutely free of charge, by the way.

Cannot, Stein.

Jack, what the hell's going on?

Wally, sweetie, I just wanted to ask... Therapy? How could you be in therapy?

I'm going five minutes and you grab a confidence.

I couldn't help it. He's my friend. And I'm not? I don't know you that long.

Well, I respect you enough not to tell anybody that you haven't had sex in a

year and a half. You haven't had sex in a year and a half?

How could you do that?

Fifteen months.

Fifteen months. A big difference.

A year and a half.

Fifteen months is a big difference.

Whatever it is, I bet you didn't have to see a therapist about it.

Okay, Meg, what else did she tell you? What other secrets don't I know about?

Any arrests, convictions, a few Village People albums?

This is a nightmare.

I can't do this. I can't be both your friends.

Let's just go back to the way it was where I still like Jack and I don't like

Wally. Nothing personal.

It'll just make everyone's life much easier.

By the way, Wally, for the future, only morons yell bravo at a baseball game.

Now, see?

That works for me. Me too.

Wally, the therapist, is it a man or a woman? Oh, for God's sakes, Jack.

if it's a woman, she's just going to take your side and try and turn you

me. It's a man. Oh.

Well, is he good -looking?

Because a lot of these male therapists, they try and take advantage of their

female patients because they're so vulnerable and need comforting.

Dr. Bleckman is 65 years old. Oh, great.

Dirty old man territory.

Jack, will you stop it? Why are you so threatened by this?

Well, I'm not really mad that you're in therapy.

I'm just upset that you felt you couldn't tell me something.

Look, there's something you're going to have to realize, and that is that I came

into this relationship carrying some baggage. And, oh, sure, we all like to

think we can get by with a little overnight bag, but at this point in my

have the three -piece set, the suit bag, the cosmetic case... I get it, Wally.

Wally, I get it, I get it, I get it. So anyway, even though I would love it if

you could solve my every problem, you can't. Don't say that, Wally.

I'm sorry, honey.

It's true.

I hate this. I know.

So, do you talk about me there?

Jack. What does he say about me? Does he say I'm good for you? Jack!

Do you think I'll ever have to go in?

Yes!

Oh, hi, Ray. Ray's back.

So, did you return your watch? No.

Don't tell me you got yourself a matching purse.

The guy wouldn't take it back.

He said I wrecked it by stretching the band around my big, meaty wrist.

On my way back from the store, I got held up. Guy told me to give him

I had. No, don't tell me your watch was stolen.

Not exactly.

When I took it off, he said, ooh, a girl's watch, and he skipped away.

You know what?

I mean, today I took a deep look inside myself, and I said, Ray, why are you so

insecure about this?

I mean, I picked this watch out from hundreds of watches because I like it.

It's the one I wanted, and it's the one I'm going to wear, and damn it, I don't

care what anybody thinks about it.

Hey there, everybody.

I just want to remind you all to watch me tonight on Star

Trek The Next Generation.

You won't actually see me. I'm playing the voice of a menacing liquid that

corrodes the Enterprise.

I don't know what to say.

You know why I like coming into this place?

Because it's like sitting down with family.

Kip, I think it's only fair to tell you we don't like you, dear.

That's okay. My family doesn't like me either, so what the heck?

Whoa, nice watch there, Ray.

Really? You like it? Yeah, it's a beaut.

It's got a lot of character.

Yeah, I love it too.

But I, uh, I've had my heart set on this other watch I saw.

Well, you know me, Mr.

Practical. I just wouldn't feel right having two nice watches.

What are you saying, buddy?

It kills me to say this, but, uh...

If you wanted to buy this one, I could give you a very nice price.

Really?

Well... Wait a minute. Is this a woman's watch?

A woman's watch?

He thinks it's a woman's watch.

No, no, Kipo, that's the style. I mean, that's what all the guys are wearing.

Where has he been hiding?

I was just kidding. Can't you guys take a joke? This watch is sold.

God, what a beautiful watch.

Thank you. It's new.

Well, it's so elegant and stylish.

You know, there are not a lot of men who have the taste to even pick out a watch

like that.

Well, what can I say? I've always been special.

Are you with anyone?

Because if you aren't, I'd love to treat you to dinner.

And then maybe later find some interesting way to get that watch off of

After you.

Oh, yeah. It's a lady's watch, all right.

Used to be mine.