Original subtitles

Should we move this inside?

Mrs. Nichols might come out and catch us.

No, the risk adds to the excitement.

Not if she's drunk and her robes open again.

Okay, okay.

Listen, Wally, before we go in, there's something I want to say.

You know, these last few months have been the best of my life.

Well, I think maybe we ought to start thinking about making a real commitment

each other.

Commitment?

Jack.

I don't think we should rush things.

Well, maybe this is rushing, but I can't hold back.

Wally, I want you to have the key to my apartment.

Oh, Jack, it's... It's beautiful.

Well, now, you don't have to give me yours unless you feel you're ready.

No, no, I want you to have my key. Oh, Wally, I don't know what to

say.

Say, we can go inside now.

We can go inside now.

Okay, here we are.

The place to which you now have a key.

Let's celebrate.

How about Chinese?

Great. Jack, we just exchanged keys.

So don't you think it's a good idea for us to set up a few ground rules? You

know, things like no unannounced visits, no snooping, no listening to each

other's phone messages.

Well, Wally, we don't need rules. We're in love.

Now, the menu at Chang's is on a desk.

I'm going to go down the hall and get a bottle of wine for Mrs. Nichols.

She orders in bulk and she passes the savings on to me.

God, this desk is a mess.

Let's see.

Menu. Menu.

8 p .m. meeting. Mondale for president committee.

Does he throw nothing out?

Oh, this is... Very nice. He's gone 20 seconds, and I'm rifling through his

personal papers.

Although technically, I am not rifling. I'm looking for the menu, which could

very well be under this pile of credit card receipts.

This is weird.

Le Shack Restaurant.

$125, and since when does he leave a decent tip?

Wait a minute.

This was last Thursday.

He told me he was staying in all night to finish his column.

There's a phone number.

It's not his.

And a room number?

Oh, God.

Hi. I'm starving. What'd you order?

Oh, I had difficulty finding the menu.

You know what? I think it's in this drawer.

Gee, I never thought to look in the drawer.

Oh, yeah.

Here it is.

Come on. Let's start arguing about which appetizers we want.

Jack, I've been meaning to ask you something.

How did your column turn out?

The one you were working on last Thursday night?

Oh, that was the piece where I suggested Clinton issue an executive order not

allowing Fleetwood Mac to reunite again.

It seemed too much of a political hot potato, so I worked on it all night, and

then I just threw it away.

Worked on it all night?

Yeah.

Hey, this is a special night. I am going to order extra egg roll.

Oh, yeah.

It is a special night.

Jack just lied to me.

I'm starving. I just came from covering hockey practice and the cheese pump was

broken at the nacho stand.

What do you got?

Artichokes. They're green.

Yeah. I don't eat green.

My food colors are brown, red, and sometimes gray. No green.

I want to ask you something, Meg.

You've known Jack for a long time. Have you ever known him to lie?

No. Really?

I'm lying.

You are so naive.

Wally, did Jack lie to you?

Yes, for the first time.

Hey, he's a man. They lie on general principle. Sometimes they just lie for

sport. Like whenever Nadine asks Jack how she looks, he goes, you look great.

That kind of lie.

Well, take a look.

I found this in his apartment.

Hmm. Exhibit A.

One restaurant receipt.

Strange phone number and what appears to be a hotel room number. What happened

when you called?

Called? I would never do a thing like that.

What kind of person do you think I am?

Pretentious, but now we're getting off the subject.

You know, Wally, once I thought Charles was having an affair.

I smelled cheap perfume on his shirt. I found a blonde hair on his lapel.

So one evening I followed him.

He drove to a shabby motel and he checked in. My heart was pounding. I

to the window and I looked inside.

Yeah, I know. It was a surprise party. No, he was in bed with a woman named

Lola.

Oh, well, thank you very much. How is this supposed to be helping me? I'll

you what I'm going to do.

I will call the restaurant and show you why the FBI and the CIA both tried to

recruit me right out of high school.

This is ridiculous.

If anyone ever checked up on me behind my back, I'm... Hello, LeShack. I'm the

personal assistant to the newspaper columnist Jack Stein.

He was there last Thursday.

His date thinks she might have left her purse. If we could just reconstruct the

evening a little.

Yes.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

I see. Well, if it shows up, let us know.

Thanks so much. Bye -bye.

Well?

Brunette? Tall, green dress, low cut.

They shared a Caesar salad and a bottle of Bordeaux. They left together at

approximately 10 .15, laughing gaily.

That's all you got? You said you were good.

Oh, Molly.

Cut the bull. You have a phone number. You have a room number. It's time to

the little tramp. I can't. It is degrading.

Humiliating. Really fun. Dial.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

the Carlisle Hotel.

Can you tell me if room 424 is a single or a double occupancy?

You don't give out that information?

Well, then maybe you can tell me if the room has macadamia nuts in the honor

bar?

What the hell is that about?

I haven't put you through.

Oh, God.

Would you please connect me to room 424?

What am I doing? I have never sunk this low in my entire... Oh, hello.

It's a woman.

To whom am I speaking?

Well, this is the assistant manager from the shack restaurant. I believe you had

dinner here with a gentleman last Thursday?

You did.

Well, you see, we found a cufflink under your table, and we were wondering if it

was his.

Were you planning to see him in the near future, or was this just a meaningless

one -night stand?

Yeah, I'm a little excited. I've never been part of a sting before.

She said her name is Karen Conrad.

Karen Conrad. Karen Conrad. Oh, wait a minute. I know who she is. She works for

the Atlanta Dispatch. Jack and I met her in a press store in Washington a few

years ago.

Whoa. Red alert.

Suspect entering the premises.

Go in there and confront him. And remember, in a situation like this, aim

What I'm saying, Jack, is how do we know that no two snowflakes are alike?

I mean, has anybody ever checked?

Is there a guy for that, huh?

Ray, go have a beer. It's happy hour, not existential hour.

Hey, keyholder.

Hello, Jack.

I want to ask you something.

Are you working late tomorrow?

No, why?

Well, I thought maybe you and I could have a late dinner. Try someplace new.

There's a place across town called...

Oh, what was it? Something French, but dumpy. Doesn't ring a bell.

Le Chac. That's it.

Why don't we try this Le Chac?

Have you ever been there? To this place called Le Chac?

No.

Wait a minute.

Le Chac?

Oh, you know what? I have been there. That's right.

With my cousin.

Your cousin?

What cousin?

Karen. My cousin Karen. She's my mother's sister's daughter from a second

marriage.

Anyway, you know, Karen, my cousin, she's visiting from out of town and

looking for a job here, so I took her out. You know, a little morale booster.

That's nice.

Why didn't you bring her here?

She has temporary crowns.

She's very embarrassed.

So, what is your cousin like?

Is she pretty?

Molly, that's thick.

She's my cousin. I don't look at her that way.

Besides with those crowns.

Well, I'm sorry. I never got a chance to meet her.

Maybe next time, huh?

Oh, man, was that a close call.

I went to dinner with another woman last week, and Wally found out about it. Oh,

Jack, if you're cheating on Wally, I don't want to hear about it. It starts

as harmless fun. The next thing you know, you're in a support group with

Botafuco.

I was not cheating, Ray. I was, you know, just doing a little flirting. This

gorgeous woman that's carried a torch for me for years, you know, comes in

calls me, asks me to meet her for a drink. I mean, what guy wouldn't be

flattered? Yeah, women don't understand. It's important for men to flirt.

Makes us think we still got it.

Like those flags you keep in the trunk of your car.

You hope you don't need them, but in an emergency, it's good to know you can

still send one up.

You know, it was totally innocent.

You know, tomorrow Karen will fly back to Atlanta, and I won't see her again

probably for years.

So why should I tell Wally the truth and risk upsetting her?

So what'd you go with?

The cousin story. Ah, I like it.

The cousin story.

The choice of professionals.

He actually used the cousin story. Can you believe it?

I mean, they've been walking upright for thousands of years. You'd think they'd

use the time to come up with something a little more original.

Get ready for the next phase, Wally. Yeah. He's going to buy you an elaborate

gift to try to throw you off the track. Yeah. Yeah. I was thinking maybe I

should buy her something. Oh, good idea.

Something expensive. Or take her somewhere she likes. Somewhere you'd say

rather die than go. A musical.

Bingo.

Oh, geez.

If this is what relationships turn into, I don't want any part of them.

You know, I don't have the stomach for the lies and the deceit.

Does Wally drive? Maybe she'd like a car.

Oh, heads up, heads up.

Hello, Jack.

Hi, Nadine.

How do you think I look tonight?

You look great.

Liar.

Hey, honey.

You know, I was reading the entertainment section of the newspaper.

what I realized?

We have never seen a Broadway musical together.

You want to take me to see a Broadway musical?

Yeah. All right, that's it. What a pathetic display.

The woman you had dinner with was not your cousin. She's a writer for the

Atlanta Dispatch, and I don't know what you're trying to hijack, but it doesn't

matter because we're through.

No hard feelings, though. Of course, you're barred from the shamrock for

And I'll use your spare key to sneak in and reset the clock on your VCR. And

then I'll spread a rumor that you cry after sex.

But other than that, I see no reason why we still can't be friends, you lying

little weasel. All right, all right, all right. Look, I told an untruth.

You want to hear the whole story? Here it is.

A woman friend I've known for years came to town. I took her to dinner. It was

totally innocent. Nothing happened. End of story.

Well, if that's all there is to it, then why don't you just tell me the truth

from the beginning? Because I was afraid you'd jump the conclusions.

Well, this woman, is she attractive?

I never really thought about it, Wally.

I mean, I happen to be in a very serious relationship at the moment.

Well, God, Jack, I don't want us to have the kind of relationship where you're

afraid to tell me you're having dinner with a friend just because she's a

We have to be able to be honest with each other. That's really important to

Me too.

I guess I should take it as a compliment that you got so jealous.

So am I forgiven?

Yeah, you're forgiven.

Okay, everybody, we made up.

She's crazy about me again.

Jack.

Carrie. Incoming, incoming. Save yourself.

You have?

Karen Conrad.

This is Wally Porter.

She's, um... Well, she's the owner of this place.

Hi.

So, this is Karen.

This is Karen.

Karen's here.

Tall, thin Karen.

So, Jack, I stopped by your office and they told me you were here.

Oh, that was very nice of them.

Exactly who gave you that information?

I'll take a name or a brief description.

Can we sit down?

Oh, yes, please, sit down.

Here is my best table.

Is there anything that I can get you?

I, Wally Potter, just the owner of the Blue Shamrock.

I'll have a white wine, please.

Anything for you, sir?

A little sodium pentothal with a twist?

You know, I think I smell something burning in the kitchen. Maybe you should

check.

Dean will take care of it.

I hope you don't mind my dropping by like this, Jack, but I got this strange

phone call about a coupling.

I do smell something burning.

She's a little high -strung, isn't she?

Karen, we have to talk.

I know, but just let me tell you, apparently you lost a coupling at the

restaurant the other night. A coupling? I don't wear couplings.

Well, that's odd.

Listen, Karen, about the other night.

I had a great time. So did I, but... You know, Jack, our timing has been off in

the past.

I always liked you, but I was married, you were dating, now we're both free.

The moment I've been waiting for.

God, do you realize how incredibly attracted to you I am?

Well, Karen, I don't know what to say.

Except, isn't my hair thinning?

Jack, you're sweating.

Look, Karen, how do I put this?

You are a very special, attractive, intelligent woman. Any man would be

Uh -oh. But, Karen, Wally's not just the owner of the Blue Cam Rock.

Wait a minute.

You're involved with her?

I forgot to mention that.

So what you're saying is that you were just leading me on.

Well, no, I'll admit I was flirting with you a little, but I thought you were

also doing the same thing.

Karen, I'm in love with Wally.

Jack, let me compliment you on your sudden honesty.

And I can't help thinking I'd love you to die.

There's a lot of that going around.

Tell Wally I said good luck.

She's going to need it.

And Jack, I hope you didn't use the cousin routine on her.

Listen, Wally, before I come in, I think I should remind you I was sickly as a

child.

I can't talk to you right now, Jack. You lied to me twice. Wally. I trusted you,

Jack. Wally. Don't keep saying Wally.

I can deal with a lot of things. Your lateness, your sloppiness. The fact that

have a closet full of three -inch heels I can never wear when I'm with you.

But the one thing I won't deal with is a person I can't trust.

Oh, boy.

This is going to be a lot of work.

Ballonogram for Miss Porter. Oh, good. I was low on balloons.

Here. Thanks.

Wow. What did your boyfriend do anyway?

He lied to me about another woman.

Did he use the cousin story?

Hey, I gave you a good tip.

Wally, it's me, Jack. I have to see you. Open the door.

Go away, Jack.

I've eaten all the candy you sent me. I'm the size of Godzilla now. I can

you.

Don't you dare, don't you dare abuse your key privileges.

Oh, that was really low.

Wait a minute.

That's the cheese basket they sent?

I paid 50 bucks for that. Where's the extra summer sausage?

Get out, Jack.

No.

Wally, look.

I am a 42 -year -old idiot who's in love for the first time and hopefully for

the last, and that scares me because it also means I'm never going to be with

another woman.

Hey, I'm the one who's been saying we're moving too fast.

You can be with all the women you want.

I don't want to be with another woman.

It's not about that.

Right or wrong, I just wanted to know that I still have it, whatever it is.

I just needed to know that you weren't the only woman who...

thinks Jack Stein is worth liking.

Does that make any sense at all?

Of course, it makes absolute sense.

You think I don't feel that way sometimes?

You do?

Yes.

And now I'll feel it's okay when I need to flirt with other men for my self

-esteem.

You know who really does it for me?

Cops. I don't know what it is. The gun, the uniform. All right, all right, you

made your point.

So an open season on flirting probably will not work.

Look, Molly, I know I made some mistakes.

But I love you.

I know you do, Jack.

But I love you is not like a get -out -of -jail -free card. You can't use it

every time you're in trouble.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

You lied to me.

Karen... It was really gorgeous.

How do I know nothing happened between the two of you? Well, call the hotel.

Karen will tell you the truth.

Oh, for God's sakes, Jack. I'm not calling the Carlisle and acting like

pathetic little spy.

Wait a minute.

How do you know she's staying at the Carlisle?

I'm a woman, Jack.

I have powers you don't know about.

And the Carlisle, well, that's like, you know, a generic hotel name.

Well, that's very interesting.

Let me ask you, Wally.

Would you know anything about a certain missing cufflink phone call?

Don't be absurd. You don't wear cufflink. Aha.

How did you know I was referring to my cufflink?

And how did you know that Karen and I went to Le Chac?

How did I know?

I... I... I saw the receipt at your place.

Wally, that receipt was in a drawer.

I was looking for the menu. That's all I was doing. So, was this a long

-standing flirtation, yes or no? Don't try and change the subject.

Be honest with me, Wally.

Did you rifle?

I was just straightening up.

Oh, my God.

You rifled, Wally. You rifled and you lied.

You're a lying rifler.

And you had the nerve to come down on me. Talk about a breach of trust.

Okay, okay, okay, you're right.

I betrayed a trust.

Boy, did you just luck out here, Jack Stein.

Tell me about it.

This is really nice.

Either one of us can be trusted. We had no business exchanging keys.

Well, it's probably true.

But I'm not a guy who ever learned from his mistakes.

So why break my record?

Oh, Wally, I'd still like you to have this.

Oh, Jack.

Wally, are you going to give me your key back?

Okay, okay.

Here.

No more flirting?

No more looking through my things?

Cops, really?

I'll give away my tickets to the policeman's ball.

Come here.

What do you say we go to dinner, the two of us?

That's a great idea.

I'll get my coat.

Room 424, please.

Hello, Karen.

Wait a minute.

Who is this guy?