Original subtitles

The first time I went to the movies, it was a kiddie matinee at the old Brooklyn

Fox Theater.

For a quarter, I saw a 3D Western and a marathon Three Stooges Festival. After

that, I was hooked.

I've seen every film Hitchcock made, and I can recite all of Annette Funicello's

lines from Beach Blanket Bingo.

Now, when you like going to the movies as much as I do, you want to share it

with somebody you love. But Wally's been so busy, we haven't had a chance yet.

Well, tonight, I'm not taking no for an answer.

No!

How can you say no?

We've been going out for five months. We've never seen a movie together. It's

unnatural. I told you, Jack, I never go into the movies anymore. People are

either yelling at the screen, smoking, robbing you at gunpoint, or exposing

themselves. But that's part of the fun.

If I'm going to watch a movie, I'd rather rent one and watch it in the

of my own home. Abe? Yeah? You're really missing out, Wally. I mean, movies are

part of the American way of life.

One of my greatest experiences was seeing The Tingler when I was a kid.

They wired all the seat cushions, so you got an electrical shock during the

scary part.

The first time it happened, I spilled my drink all over myself. I took 110 bolts

of the Heine, and for the next three days, when I walked down the street, the

garage door was open.

That's the way to sell experience, Ray.

While you're at it, why don't you remind her that Lee Harvey Oswald was also

arrested in the movie theater?

Anyway, what's the point of going to movies anymore?

There's nothing to see.

What are you talking about? Look at this paper.

Pages and pages of movies.

But they're so infantile. We'd probably wind up at Home Alone 7. That kid's

going to be 50, and his parents will still be leaving him behind.

Why aren't those people brought up on charges?

You wouldn't believe my knife.

Give me a double -A. I'm leaving the garden. Look, excuse me, Meg, but Wally

I are right in the middle of something here.

You're having a problem.

Yeah, I care.

So anyway...

I finish my interview with Shaquille O 'Neal. I flag down a cab. I get this

driver who takes one look at me and says, I'm the woman he's been waiting

his whole life. Oh, that sounds so romantic. Yeah, Nadine, it's a regular

tale.

Sitting in a New York City cab next to a half -eaten tongue sandwich while some

guy tries to caress me by sticking his hands through the little change window

the bulletproof glass.

I thought he'd stop when I lit his sleeve on fire, but I guess in this

that means I'm free Saturday.

Looks like Meg could use a little escape. Why don't you take her to the

Jack? Because I want to take you. No offense, Meg.

Wait a minute.

You two really are having a problem. Hey, just to pick me up, I need it.

Now, look, Wally, I am not going to back down on this, all right? There are some

great films out there, good stories, fascinating characters. That's right.

Charles told me the prison video library has just added the great mouse

detective, and it's very worthwhile viewing.

Look, Wally, just look through the paper. Pick anything, anything you want

see. I can't go to the movies now, Jack. I'm right in the middle of dinner prep.

I can just hear myself telling the customers, give Nadine your order.

down to the colonel for you.

Wally, if you want to duck out of here for a couple of hours, I can certainly

handle things.

Wait a minute. I don't like the smell of this.

Hey, come on, Wally. Just two hours of your time.

God, you are persistent.

Well...

Okay. Okay.

Now, let's see what we have here.

Now, this looks interesting. A woman in the country.

Heads up, Jack. Chick movie. Chick movie.

What?

Me and Jack have developed our own rating system.

Any movie with two or more love scenes, a man crying, or a theme song by Michael

Bolton is automatically a chick movie.

Oh, I definitely want to see a woman in a country at some point.

But tonight, how about Battle Scream?

Oh, look out, man.

I thought it was going to be an action picture.

But when the soldiers were on their way to blow up the terrorist camp, the story

started talking about how nothing he ever did was good enough for his father.

So you're saying? Chick move in disguise.

I know what you should say, Betty and Helen.

Phew, now there's two hours of living hell.

Coincidentally shot in chick vision.

I don't know what you're talking about. It was brilliant. Two women, subjugated

and exploited by men for years, finally blow and go on a rampage.

Oh, I'm going to see that right after I eat lunch at a place called Really Old

Clams.

You know, Jack, I've heard about this movie.

It's supposed to be very controversial. I've heard about it, too. It's going to

be two hours of feminist propaganda.

Yeah, you're right, Jack. It doesn't explore sexual politics with the same

of, let's say, Meatballs 3.

Polly, look, I do not think this movie is a good idea. We should go to

that we can both enjoy, not a film where the men are served their popcorn in a

protective cup.

You said I could pick out anything I want to see. Well, I want to see Betty

Helen.

Tough break, Jack.

You want to take my Game Boy?

Okay, Betty and Helen it is, but just promise me one thing, Wally. Promise me

won't wind up arguing all night.

What are you so nervous about? I think we should be able to sit together in a

dark room watching two hours of fiction without the whole relationship coming

apart. Now, Nadine, make sure when Henry finishes the bordelaise to start the

fish stock, and we're going to be at the Claremont. I'm sure they'll page me.

Don't you worry about a thing, Wally. You two just have fun. I've got

under control. Thank you.

What's going on?

She's in charge?

That's right.

And I want to see a little movement around here, a little hustle. Hey, this

has fingerprints all over it. If you have time to lean, you have time to

Javier, this flatware is not properly aligned.

Henry, what are you doing? There is a little thing called fish stuff that

your attention.

I know what you're thinking.

I'm too tough.

I care too much.

Well, I guess that just goes along with the job.

You know, we could make it look like an accident.

I think this movie was the right choice, Jack.

Everyone who's leaving is talking about it. That's a good sign.

I've always hated you, Herb. I never knew exactly why until this movie.

Oh, yeah.

This is going to be lots of fun. I need fortification. Let's get something to

eat.

Ah, feast your eyes, Wally.

Go ahead, pick out anything you want.

Price is no object.

Oh, God, Jack. There are chemicals in this stuff that the U .N. is making

Hussein destroy.

How may I serve you?

Well, let's see.

Um, let's see.

Come on, Wally. Wally, there's a line.

Maybe I'll try the popcorn. It's probably the safest.

When was the popcorn popped?

Huh?

The popcorn.

The popcorn. I'd like to know if it's fresh. When it was popped? Oh, right,

yeah. Before.

What? You heard the guy. It was popped before.

Before when? Before Lincoln was assassinated? When?

Look, lady, the judge said get a job or go to juvenile hall, so give me a break,

okay?

Okay, okay.

One small pop. Popcorn, plain.

Okay, we don't got small. We got medium, we got large, and we got best value.

I should love a medium.

Which is really a small. You should call it a small.

Something to drink before he shows us why he's a threat to society?

A small glass of water.

Okay, again.

Medium, large.

Whatever. Okay, water's free, but I gotta charge you $2 .50 for the cup.

You know, best value is only another 50 cents.

Oh, now I'm going to pay $3 for a glass of water? There's a water fountain right

over there. We'll go for it. We'll go for it.

I can't believe this. And we'll take a box of chewy almond clusters, too. Oh,

just a minute. Can I read what's in these chewy almond clusters, please?

Hey, hurry it up, lady.

Excuse me, but I'm concerned about my health.

Then order before we kill you.

Okay, you know what? Look, I'm going to get everything.

Why don't you go grab us a couple of seats before the place fills up? Here,

my jacket to save the seat.

Okay, but don't order too much junk. You know how I hate goober breath.

Oh, it's taken.

It's taken.

Taken.

Taken. Jack, Jack, over here. Oh, God.

For God's sakes, Jack, what were you doing?

Becoming a big brother to the kid at the candy counter?

I was lost in theater three, walked around in the dark calling, Wally,

You know how many guys there are named Wally?

One of them was very excited at the thought that he might have a date for

movie.

Nice call, Jack.

Now you're dead, your daughter can have that little Miata for graduation.

You notice anything strange about this place?

Aside from the fact that there's a pair of boxer shorts in the aisle?

How the hell did they get there? That's what I want to know.

There are about eight women for every man in here.

Normally I'd find that exciting, but suddenly I feel like the slow, weak

wildebeest seconds before the lions pounce.

Will you relax, please?

I don't like this seat.

I mean, we can barely see the screen.

We need to move closer.

Are you kidding? Any closer and we'd need billing.

Let's at least move in the middle.

No, no, not the middle. No, I have to have an aisle seat for a quick exit in

case there's a fire or something.

I don't want to get trampled.

You're not going to get trampled. I could. People get trampled.

Not at the Claremont. People don't get trampled at the Claremont.

You can't guarantee that.

You can't guarantee that I won't get trampled.

I am not comfortable here.

The man is supposed to have the aisle seat.

Why? So he can protect the woman.

From what?

Trampling.

Keeping my seat, Jack.

All right, fine. Keep your seat.

At least I'm next to one of the few men in here.

Why are you so threatened?

Threatened? Me?

That's a laugh.

Here's me laughing.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oh, boy. Here we go.

Now, you have to stop talking, Jack. I know.

I tried to get her to go and annihilate it, too, like we all did, right?

I think the only way we're going to get out of here is if we stick together.

I'm telling you, I haven't seen this many women since I had a dream in high

school.

Let's hope we get out of here in one piece, huh?

Shh.

Happy birthday, baby.

You remembered.

Yeah, I thought you could use a new one.

That old one doesn't pick up... like it used to, and this place is looking right

filthy.

You lousy bastard.

Where'd you get that gun?

You put that thing down.

Did you see that? She shot the vacuum cleaner.

That was a nice upright. It cost him two weeks' pay.

You better learn how to pick up after yourself, babe, because I'm history.

Now I suppose she's going back to Helen's to meet that lumberjack they're

sharing. She's becoming her own person, finding her sexual identity.

Don't you think she should have tried to work it out with Billy Bob? They had

some good times together.

That man was a pig. How can you defend him?

I'm just trying to be sensitive.

Didn't Betty say she wished men were more sensitive as she was pistol

the gas station attendant?

Betty, you look like hell.

I need a drink, Helen.

I finally left him.

Where's our little lumberjack?

Making the bed.

This is so well done.

Oh, please.

Look at that drink.

In the close shot, it's full. In the long shot, it's empty.

Look. Full.

Empty.

Full. Empty.

Full empty.

It doesn't matter.

It's a great story.

Before, every opinion that Betty had was formed by a man.

Now she's thinking for herself.

You like this movie? All the men are idiots.

Shh, stop talking.

What, you identify with Betty?

You do, don't you? You want to be Betty.

Don't be ridiculous. It's just a movie.

Excuse me, ma 'am, but could you please keep your voice down?

Butt out before I rearrange your face.

I think this might be it, Helen.

The whole trailer park is surrounded.

Oh, God, Betty.

Somehow I just thought we'd go on forever.

I'm so scared.

This was not what I had in mind for our first night at the movies.

We should have gone to see Annihilator 2.

A baby Annihilator comes right out of a guy's eye socket.

Very cool.

She would have screamed.

I would have held her.

Oh, isn't that sweet?

Betty and Helen are about to be killed, and he's comforting me.

Even Jack is moved by a moment like this.

Okay, a couple of more minutes and these two hags will be blown to bits, and

then we can get the hell out of here.

I'm not as scared as I thought I'd be.

Maybe the next life will be better.

Hey, is that a tear in your eye?

Can't reel.

Come on, let's reload.

Are you crying?

Yes, I'm crying.

She's crying, can you believe it?

Betty, between those two trailers, we can make a run for the highway.

Yeah, right.

It blew the guy's car up. He didn't do anything. He was just driving by. They

blew his car up. What are you talking about?

He winked at them.

Remind me to stay on your good side if ever you're fleeing justice in a halter

top.

Oh, no.

It's Betty's ex -husband.

He's sneaking up on her.

Turn around, Betty. Turn around.

Come on, man.

You can take her.

People are going to be coming in any minute. How am I supposed to run a

restaurant without a deep fryer?

Look, I told you, Nadine, I'm not a repairman. I'm a garbage man.

Didn't you take shop as a boy?

Surely someone like you went to a vocational school.

Look, Nadine, my face is directly under a vat of hot oil.

You know, the guy who was a Phantom of the Opera was originally a deep fryer

repairman. Oh, come on.

You're talking too much, Ray. You're never going to get this fixed if you

nattering on the way you do.

That's it. That's it. I'm coming up. Oh, oh, that's very nice.

Quit a project right in the middle. Hey, look, everyone.

Ray's quitting.

The quitter is getting up. The quitter is leaving the kitchen.

The quitter is returning to his stool to soothe himself with his little

quitter's beer.

And we are unable to fry the simplest food.

What are you doing, Meg?

How many bowls of peanuts have you sucked up tonight?

You come in here, you fraternize with Abe, and you never order anything.

Starting now, we have a $20 minimum.

Says who?

Says me.

Okay, fine.

Give me $20 worth of French fries.

Oh, that is not funny.

I am trying to hold things together. Here, I was given a responsibility.

Oh, God, you have no idea the pressure until you've been there. And those

peanuts are coming out of my paycheck, too, Missy. Just a minute. Do you think

peanuts grow on trees? Nadine! Nadine, sure, Nadine. Fine, Nadine. Now, Nadine.

Boy, it is lonely at the top. Hello.

I help you.

Yes, a table for two at eight. I can take you at eight, but our deep fryer is

broken, and there's not a competent individual around to fix it. It's not my

fault. I don't know why this had to happen to me. Wally trusted me. I'm

have to work my way up from the bottom all over, and you know... Oh, no, no,

no.

Hello?

Table for two at eight o 'clock.

All right, we'll see you then.

Okay, bye -bye.

My, my, how the mighty have fallen.

I thought I could do it.

Oh, sure, you thought you could do it. They all think they could do it. But

the going gets tough, they fold like a cheap deck chair.

All right, from now on, I'm in charge.

Yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a minute.

New system?

So what are you going to say?

Thank you. Thank you. That's it.

Oh,

look who's back. Did you two have a good time? Everything here is fine. Just

fine. Perfectly fine. Swear to God. Really, really fine. We had a great

A great time. Jack was right.

I have been missing out by not going to the movies. It was a great flick, wasn't

it? I mean, when Betty and Helen blew up that sperm bank.

Now that's something you really need to see on a big screen.

Yeah, but let's just say I won't pay to see it again, okay?

I thought it was interesting.

The kind of movie that could provoke a meaningful discussion about men and

women. Or a huge knock -down, drag -out argument. Which we are not going to

have. I just want to ask something about the movie, though. Meg. Some people

thought it was too one -sided. What do you think, Meg? In truth.

I didn't think so.

So, you didn't feel that men were portrayed unfairly? Meg. Well... No, not

really. Excuse me, could I express my own opinion?

Contrary to the brainwashing you got from those two homicidal hillbillies,

are capable of logical thought.

That was uncalled for, Jack.

Oh, really?

What are you going to do, tie my pants to the back of your pickup so they fly

off when you speed away?

The only thing that scene did for the women's movement is prove that women can

be even bigger jerks than men.

You happy now? Very.

You know, Jack...

You were threatened by this movie before you even saw it just because it showed

two strong and independent women asserting themselves.

Now, what is so frightening about that?

It was nonstop male bashing. 90 minutes of women inflicting groin injuries.

I was offended.

Oh, but to see some ditzy blonde with huge breasts ooh and ah while Steven

Seagal blows up France is not offensive to women?

I'd put a lot of thought into this answer if I were you.

This is exactly why I didn't want to go to the movie. I knew we would wind up

arguing. We are not arguing. We are having a discussion.

Then why are you yelling?

Oh!

Now that's entertainment.

Look, Wallace, I may not be Steve sensitive, but I don't think I'm Billy

either. I don't recall holding you upside down over a cliff because you

my toast.

That is not what this is about.

You know, there are a lot of things that you and I have never really talked

about before, and one of them is... Now, brace yourself.

I'm going to use the F word. Wally. I'm a feminist.

Oh, God.

And here I am, in love with a man who was once sent a dead carp by Gloria

Steinem.

Look, I admit, I didn't come through the women's movement with a gold star.

But men are confused.

If you open doors and pull chairs out, are we insulting you? We talk about sex.

We're animals.

If we don't talk about it, we're unresponsive to your needs.

As far as I can tell, bra burning is the only concept that really worked out

well for both women and men.

Look, we could let this whole thing slide and pretend it doesn't exist, but

it'll always be an issue between us, and I personally think we have to get it

out in the open.

and then we'll just be chasing our tails around hypothetical questions that will

never, ever affect us.

That's not true.

But let me ask you this.

If I opened a very successful restaurant in Los Angeles, would you quit your job

to follow me? You see, you're doing it. You don't even like L .A.

Okay, you're right, you're right.

But answer this.

If you could breastfeed, would you?

Absolutely.

Such a piece of work.

Even though I know you're lying, I'm going to let you off the hook.

Good. It means we're not fighting anymore.

That's right.

So, um, tonight when we're alone, maybe you'll wear the thing with the thing.

No, tonight you'll wear it.

Man, I hate the movies.