Original subtitles

Why do they do this, Wally? Why do they put this little ticket on the dry

cleaning that says, we're sorry, we couldn't remove the stain. There's no

on this shirt. I looked for 15 minutes. Here, you look, Wally.

Open the door, Jack. I prepared 60 dinners tonight. I'm going to pass out

this carpet.

That's weird. What?

I left my door unlocked.

Oh, that's good, Jack. Keep that up and you'll come home one day and all your

furniture will be gone.

Not that that's bad.

I was in a hurry this morning. I guess I just forgot. Well, this could be the

beginning, you know. The beginning of what?

Of getting old.

I've started to become forgetful lately, Wally.

Pretty soon I'll be wearing my boxer shorts on the outside of my pants.

You still find me attractive?

No.

God, I'm so beat.

If they weren't replacing the boiler in my building, we'd be at my place

tonight. Where the dishes are clean.

And there aren't mushrooms growing in the corner of the bathroom.

Okay, you're entering the cranky phase. Let's get you to bed. And then tomorrow,

if you're good, I will take you on an edible foliage tour of my living room.

Why do they wait till the dead of winter to replace a boiler?

Isn't that the only time you actually need a boiler?

Shh.

I just wanted to sleep.

Are you sure?

Yeah. I'll sleep later.

Dava! Jack!

What are you doing here?

Since what do you care what, why, who? I'm here!

Hello. Excuse me. Whoa, whoa.

Wally, this is Dava Levine. She's from Israel.

And Dava, this is Wally Porter. She's from... She's from... Connecticut.

Oh, that's right.

And, you know, Wally and I are together now.

And Dava and I, at one time, we... Oh, Jack, don't be so bourgeois. We were

lovers. Lovers.

Yes, but not for long. Eight days.

Eight days.

Gee, Davos, what are you doing here in New York? I'm here performing at the

center for three days. I'm a dancer with the Hebrew National Ballet.

I'm in very good shape, no?

I can eat anything I want. Please don't hate me.

Gee, Davos.

It's nice to see you again. Your timing is really bad.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Jack. I did not know that you had a new lover. I came here

because I had a terrible fight at the hotel with my new lover, Hauptman, the

choreographer. Oh, that pig.

He accuses me of trying to seduce the man who brought my food up on the little

cart.

Then he went into a jealous rage and he starts breaking things.

What did I do except answer the door with no clothes on?

The doorbell rang. I was afraid my ballpark Frank would get cold.

Was I wrong?

Did he try to hurt you?

It doesn't matter.

That is my problem.

I'm going now to the toilet.

And then I will go back to the hotel.

I'm so sorry, Wally, for a woman to find another woman in her bedroom. This is

not good. I am ashamed of myself.

It's okay.

Wally!

that not the name of the Beavis, brother?

Dava learned how to speak English from watching a lot of television.

Superstation PBS, home of the Atlanta Brave.

Wally, honey, I don't know how this happened. I swear, I haven't spoken to

in years. It's all right, Jack.

We're not kids.

We both have a path.

It was only a matter of time before I'd run into one of your old flame.

Of course, I never expected to meet her for the first time sleeping on my side

of the bed.

But maybe I'm old -fashioned. And while we're on the subject, who the hell is

she?

Well, Daba was my only real live -in relationship.

It was sort of like being at a trailer park during a tornado.

We broke up after a big fight one night when I was making dinner. I don't know

what it was about. I just remember that she stabbed me in the forearm with one

of those grapefruit section knives, did a triple pirouette, and threw my

television out the window.

You waited your whole adult life to find someone to live with, and you picked

Ava.

Why?

I don't know. It was timing, I guess. It was the 80s.

You know, the Dress for Success, Nouvelle Cuisine, BMW crowd had taken

I was a Timex -wearing, steak -eating big mouth.

I was bored, and then, you know, there she was.

Oh, Jack, I see you still have the little complimentary shoehorn I sent you

the Budapest Holiday Inn.

So when you are squeezing into your loafers, you are thinking of me.

Okay, I'm going now. Right.

Look, Dava, I am sorry about how this has turned out, but, gee, it has really

been great seeing you again.

Hey, look, you're all packed.

Okay, I'm going to walk you downstairs and wave as you drive away. Wait a

minute. What about Hoffman? He sounds so unpredictable.

Oh, don't worry.

I will be all right. I did not serve in the Israeli army for nothing.

They taught us how to kill a man with a piece of chewing gum.

No, this does not feel right, Jack. I think Dava should stay here.

Gee, Wally, I think there may be something in my lease about three

people. Oh, come on, Jack. We're all adults here. It's only for a couple of

days. She can sleep on the couch. The bed is mine.

This Wally woman, she's something good, Jack.

I accept your offer.

Now come.

Let's go into the living room and drink espresso and eat donuts and smoke 100

-millimeter American cigarettes.

Oh, God, count me out.

Did you ever have one of those nights where everybody orders the braised

scallops at one time?

No.

But I once ejected out of an F -16 over the Persian Gulf.

Did I ever tell you about that, Jack? Come, we have so much to talk about.

Go ahead, go ahead.

I won't be long.

If you two want to make love, I can watch Nick at night.

That's okay.

Good night.

All right.

I think I have a very good shot at the Nobel Peace Prize, wouldn't you say?

Did you notice how I didn't go the jealous girlfriend route?

To do it right, I'd have to smash all the gifts he gave me, send him dead

cut up all his clothes.

Let's face it. Who has the time?

How does she eat this stuff and keep a figure like that?

It'll all catch up with her eventually.

Hopefully by tomorrow morning.

So then I say to my editor, I don't care if they're suing me for libel.

I'm not Jack Stein unless I've got at least three lawsuits going at once.

Oh, Jack, you were always such a wild man.

Oh, God, that feels good.

A little more to the right.

Hi. Wallet.

People's brother lady, hello.

So, what's everybody doing?

We're doing nothing. Okay, Dava. That's it. Thank you, Dava. Thank you. Thank

you. So, listen, I hate to break up the party, but you know it's 7 .30?

7 .30? Oh, man.

I can't believe that.

Oh, good. Time for breakfast.

Wally, coffee?

Or how about a Diet Cherry Soda?

Oh, I'll pass.

Thanks.

I don't know how this happened.

I had a staff meeting at the paper in half an hour.

Last time I looked at my watch, it was a little past midnight.

You'd think the blinding daylight coming in through the windows would be a

signal that time has passed.

You know, she always used to do this to me. Keep me up all night. I can't

believe she did it again.

Well, I gotta get to the office.

That check.

For a man with such short legs, he has something, no?

Malamar?

Oh, no.

Thanks.

You know, Dava, this is kind of funny, isn't it?

Being in this situation, there's so many different ways a person like me could

react. For instance, I could opt to be threatened and do something like, oh,

your toe shoes in the oven and set it on broil.

But that would be the bad Wally.

Why reinforce the old stereotype of two women demeaning themselves fighting over

a man?

Instead, I think it would be a great idea if the two of us could be friends.

Of course we can be friends.

We can be more than friends. We can be sisters.

Come, be my sister.

So let's talk.

You and Jack, is the sex good?

Well, I... For us, it was fantastic.

For three days, we did not eat.

Then we ate like starving people for two days. Then we did not eat for one day,

and then we ate like wolves.

Then we argued, and I tried to kill him. It was like a fairy book romance.

Our relationship's a little different. We eat regular meals, and there's been

attempted murder.

Well, don't lose hope.

Now it is time for me to go to bed.

I must perform tonight.

Jack, get out of the bathroom. I'm coming in.

I gotta go.

I gotta go.

What's the matter with your face?

I cut myself shaving.

I'm a mess. I didn't have time to shower.

Look, I want to thank you for being so understanding.

Oh, Jack, I feel pretty secure about us. So do I.

Bye, Dava.

Oh, my God, what an idiot I am.

I almost forgot my briefcase.

I'll see you.

Abe, could you make me an espresso, please?

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute. I told you I don't trust that

Now, look at it.

Now, why do you need something that big to make something this small?

I mean, a machine this size should also be able to make a fender.

Oh, no, I'll have no part of it.

Fine, I'll make it myself.

Why not?

I've been doing things for myself since I was a fetus.

I'm one of those in -control types who keeps the ship afloat in a sea of

insanity. I can cook 60 dinners in a night and throw my weight around the

produce market when the French chefs are trying to grab up all the baby undies.

Do you think I'm boring?

Boring? Wally, you're the most exciting woman I know.

Except for Dolores Bradford, my next -door neighbor.

She was married to a doctor. She was the head of the PTA.

She founded the Westchester Garden Club.

And then she faked her own death.

Wait a minute. I smell an entertaining story brewing here. Why would you ask a

loaded question like that in my presence? Wally, what's up?

Something happened at Jack's apartment last night.

One of his old girlfriends is in town.

Who, Peggy?

No. Denise?

No. Robin?

No. How many old girlfriends does he have?

I have no idea. I'm just making up girls' names to tick you off.

So who is it?

Dava. Dava?

No kidding. Hey, Ray, Dava's back in town.

Wow. Really?

exotic name. What does she do?

She's a dancer.

Oh, my, a dancer.

I read about them.

Sometimes they sleep four in a bed.

Daba's fantastic.

Talk about a party monster. She puts me to shame.

Daba can make a place come alive just by walking into her.

And when she's talking to me, she makes me feel like I'm the only guy in the

room. I gotta say, out of all of Jack's old girlfriends, she is my all -time

favorite.

Oh, well...

That's, of course, until you came along, Wally.

I mean, you perk up a room, too.

You can wear hats and stuff.

You're dying, man. Yeah, I know.

to Italy again, eat big plates of pasta and flirt with all the mafia types.

Okay, but this time, you have to slow dance with Jimmy No -Neck.

Oh, and Garbage Man. Oh, let me look at you. Come on, come on. Oh, so

strapping, just the way I remember.

Mmm, and filled with that faint smell of discarded belongings and rotted

foodstuffs.

For some reason, I like that.

Well, you know, it's just...

I love you, Dava.

I know.

You'll get over it.

Oh, and Wally Porter, I wanted to tell you something. I have borrowed a pair of

your panties. Sisters can do this.

Oh, really? I hope they were to your satisfaction.

They're a little loose.

Hi, everybody.

Jack, come here. I want to show you something. Jack, Jack. Look what I found

the bottom of my dance bag. Look, look.

Oh, wow.

I remember this. This is when I took you to Coney Island.

Yes. And we ate the candy cotton and we rode on the roller coaster and we drank

all those beers and we got our picture taken.

And then I asked you to move in with me.

Yes. Oh, you look so cute.

No, I don't.

You always look cute.

Four pictures for a dollar.

America. Oh, so great.

Oh, and Jack, fabulous news. We've been extended for two more weeks.

Did you hear that, everyone?

Darva is going to be here for two more weeks! Yeah!

Come on, let's hear it.

Come on, Darva, let me buy you a drink.

Yeah, you know what? It's on me.

Jack, could I see you in the kitchen, please?

No time.

Jack,

we need to talk about Darva.

Paula, could you do me a favor? Could you put that big cleaver down until

finished with this conversation?

And you've got just a little chicken butt on your cheek. It's making me

Are you going to let her stay in your apartment, Jack? It was only supposed to

be for a few days.

Now it's for a few weeks.

Pretty soon she's going to be our common -law wife. Well, you were the one who

invited her to stay at my place. Now, don't confuse the issue. I was being a

person. I was making the effort.

That was before I realized she was the type who'd go into another woman's

underwear drawer and grab it.

She's a grabber, Jack.

Is that what you like?

I'm sorry, I didn't hear anything personal. I'll be out of your way in a

I'm laying all my cards on the table, Jack.

You have unresolved feelings about Dava.

As long as I'm here, why don't I measure the kitchen? I always wondered how wide

it was.

What do you mean I have unresolved feelings? That's the craziest thing I've

heard. Two, three, four.

I see the way you two look at each other, the way you touch each other.

There's something unfinished going on between the two of you, and I don't want

to stand in the way of it. But, Wally, we're not married. We're not engaged.

We're not even living together.

So if you want to be with her to figure this out, I'm giving you permission to

do that, Jack.

And I think you should take me up on it.

All righty.

It's ten feet. Now we know.

Meg, it was Nay from the Itchen King.

Oh, boy.

I think what we have here is a problem of two women colliding in my life.

This is a whole new experience for me.

I'm used to maybe one woman, tops, who usually winds up sneaking out in the

middle of the night.

Well, now what am I going to do?

Wally has this amazing radar.

She's definitely picked up the Dava blip.

Yeah, I admit it.

All afternoon, Dava kept creeping into my brain.

I guess I do have unresolved feelings for her.

Now... I'm just going to have to work him out.

Lucky bastard.

Hello?

Anyone here?

Dava?

Wally?

Robert with a gun?

Hi, Jack.

I'd be out of here already, but I can't find my 90.

I either misplaced it or Dava's using it as a scarf.

Holly, what are you doing?

I'm going home.

I think it's better if you and Dava are alone for a while. I don't care if my

boiler's out. I could use a cold shower.

What are you talking about? You know, I'm beginning to wonder if you even care

about me.

Shouldn't you be hiring a confused teenager to kill her? I mean, that's

they always do in those television movies.

I told you, Jack, you are dealing with a different sort of woman. I have my

dignity. I have my self -esteem.

So I'm going now.

But if at some point you feel like you've worked it through and you want to

discuss it, you know where to find me.

My God, I was brilliant. I've never danced like that before in my life. I

like a wild animal.

I ate an entire London broil in the cab on the way home.

I thought that we could stay up all night, drink whiskey, and dye each

hair red, huh?

Oh, God, I'm going home.

Goodbye, Dava.

Goodbye, Jack.

So, she's gone, huh?

Yeah, you know, she went over to her place, just wanted to sleep in her own

I'm not stupid, Jack.

She left because she knows about us.

She sees the sparks that flit back and forth between us like some crazy science

experiment.

You know what I'm saying, Jack.

Look, look, you know, Dapa, things are not like they used to be. I mean, I'm

involved with someone else now.

That can change in an instant.

Now, tell me that you didn't feel anything.

Oh, yeah, I felt something.

How can I not feel something?

I told you, I am raw sex appeal.

Oh, yes.

Yes, you are.

So, let yourself go, Jack.

No, I can't, Daba. You know, not this time.

Look, I'm with this great woman who's really got it together.

I mean, do you see what she just did there? Do you see how she just stepped

of the way so I could have this opportunity to let fate run its course?

Look, I'm sorry, but I just can't let somebody like that get away.

I'm going to go to her now.

Oh, Jack, you have changed.

You have turned into, how do you say, your father's Oldsmobile.

Goodbye, Davo.

Wally.

I lost an earring.

It fell off. Right here.

Small, with a pearl.

Were you listening at the door?

Listening?

Is that what you think I was doing? You think I would stoop so low as to listen

at someone's door?

Okay, I was listening.

But just near the end, you kissed her.

I did, but it was like I was at a family reunion and I was kissing my Uncle

Saul.

Nothing. Zero.

All I could think about was you.

I guess that's...

That's a pretty good sign, huh?

Can I go home with you now?

Let's go home.

But Jack, can I say one thing?

Sure, honey. If I ever catch that junk food -eating, cigarette -smoking,

-wearing lunatic near this apartment again, finally to see her in the

neighborhood if she so much as circling the airspace above Kennedy Airport, I

swear I will pull her hair out one strand at a time, and then I'll rip out

epiglottis. You don't even need to know what that is, Jack. Just know that

you'll miss it.

Did you feel anything?

Tremendous desire.

With a little element of fear.

Good. Let's go home.

Wow. I think she really likes me.

Pete, stop.

You didn't say anything.

I didn't say anything, darling.