Original subtitles

One of the things I like most about New York City is that it doesn't change

much. Oh sure, new buildings go up and down.

Broadway shows open and close.

Donald Trump changes girlfriends on a regular basis.

But the essence of the place is always the same. And that's important to me

because I'm not a guy who accepts change very easily.

So when I walk into my favorite hangout, there's nothing more comforting than to

see a familiar face behind the bar.

Hey there, Jacko.

I like it's that face.

I hate that face.

Belongs to my girlfriend's ex -husband.

Sometimes if I eat something like Cajun rib right before I go to sleep, in the

middle of the night I wake up and I see that face.

It's times like these that I really miss Ike.

Hey, Meg.

Hey.

Think carefully about your drink order, Jack. He's only up to the G's in the

bartender's pocket, guys, so...

A margarita could really throw him.

Hi, Kip.

I'll have a margarita.

You're just trying to throw me, aren't you?

Look, I'm just doing this to help Wally out. I don't pretend to be able to step

into the big guy's shoes.

But I do have plenty of experience tending bar.

I'll have you know that I played Stone, the rugged but dyslexic bartender on The

Bold and the Beautiful.

Hey, guys.

You will not believe what I have in this box. I swear you won't believe it.

Pardon my lack of enthusiasm, Ray, but when a New York City garbage man walks

with a box and asks me to guess what's inside, I get a little nervous.

Yeah?

Well, feast your eyes on this.

What is that, a baseball card?

Not just any baseball card.

A 1953 Mickey Mantle in mint condition.

Wow. Let me see that, Ray.

Your hands clean?

Yes, my hands are clean.

Is your heart pure?

Just let me see.

Oh, my God, this is amazing.

How did you get this?

Well, my father's been promising to give me that card ever since I can remember.

Every year during the World Series, he'd take it out of his closet and he'd show

it to me.

My eyes would glisten over and my hands would shake.

He'd say, Ray, maybe this year I'll give you the mic.

He never did.

He kept telling me I wasn't old enough yet. So we'd finally made him part with

it. All right.

He didn't.

I just went in his closet and took it.

And I turned 30 last year, for God's sake. How long is he going to wait?

Well, geez, Ray, aren't you afraid he's going to find out?

Oh, he already did.

So what'd he do?

He spanked me.

There should really be a cut -off date for that sort of thing, you know?

Twelve dinners in 21 minutes. Yes, I'm...

Try the sea bass, sweetie.

How are we doing on our 8 o 'clock?

Oh, just fine. Everyone's been very punctual this evening.

Just put your John Hancock right there.

Oh, Wally, I think I am really getting the hang of this. People have actually

been leaving me a gratuity.

And you know, I find that if I focus all my attention on the man and completely

ignore the woman, I get a much better tip.

What's this? Chuck and Linky are coming in?

Chuck and Ninky Doppler? Oh, wow. When did they call?

Just a few minutes ago. They said they were friends of yours and they wanted to

drop by and say hello. They should be here any minute.

Oh, this is so great.

Jack. Jack, guess who's coming into the restaurant?

Chuck and Ninky. Who?

Ninky. Ninky Evans Doppler. Chuck and Ninky Evans Doppler. Molly, what the

kind of language is that? Speak English.

Ninky Doppler is one of my dearest friends on earth. We've known each other

since we were kids.

These people are very important to me, Jack. They really helped me through that

rough year when I was separated from Kip.

I hate those people.

And Ninky has this amazing radar when it comes to men.

She knew exactly who was right for me and who wasn't.

All through high school and all through college. In fact, she spent the whole

night before my wedding trying to talk me out of marrying Kip.

I really hate those people.

And now you want me to meet them without any preparation?

These people are not going to like me, Wally. I can tell just by their names

we're very different.

Are you worried, Jack Dine? I'm surprised at you.

Look, this is no good.

I will bet that every article of clothing that Chuck wears has an emblem

guy on a horse swinging a mallet.

It always reminds me of a Cossack going after my great -grandmother.

you, please.

Do you actually think I'd change my feelings about you just because my

don't like you? They'll like you. I'm sure they'll like you.

There she is.

Molly.

Thank you.

Oh, Molly.

Oh, Molly. Oh, Molly. Oh, Molly. Oh, Molly. Oh, Molly. Oh, Molly. Oh, Molly.

Oh, Molly. Oh,

Molly.

And you must be Jack Stein.

Guilty as charged. Oh, it is so great to finally meet you, Jack.

Beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep, beep. Oh, Wally, look at this place. It is so fun.

It is so... Is that Kip?

Ninky! Choco!

I'm helping Wally out. You see, I'm not a useless parasite and a burden on

society.

It's a long story.

You know, Jack, I read your column every day. I'm so impressed by writers, the

whole creative thing. I always wish I were creative, so it's really kind of a

thrill for me to meet you. Oh, get out of here.

Well, you know, I could take you to the paper sometime, show you around. Oh,

wow, that'd be super.

Oh, he's great, isn't he, Minky? He's great, isn't he, Chuck? I can't take my

eyes off him.

I know this is terrible because we have so much to catch up on. Chuck has this

dinner we have to go to down at the World Trade Center. He is getting an

Just a plaque for outstanding sales. It's nothing. I went over the $7 million

mark. So I kicked some hiney this year. Big deal. I'd much rather stay here.

Although we should go because I don't want to be late.

You want us all to spend some time together. When can we do that? Well,

have dinner at our place next week. Can you do that? Well, the restaurant's slow

on Monday.

Well, Monday works for me. Oh, perfect. We will all sit down and have a nice,

relaxing evening, really getting to know each other. You know, when I break

bread with somebody, I get a very good sense of exactly who they are. Thank

First you're the guy, why don't you?

Don't let her get to you, Jack.

We'll see you on Monday, all right?

Oh! And by the way, Jack, I really loved your column about government waste.

Very well researched. No punches pulled. I admire that. Well, thanks, Jack.

Well, he's a bright man.

I could tell they liked you, Jack.

Especially Minky. She hates to cook, so she never invites people over unless she

likes them.

And you were worried.

I mean, isn't it a little bit predictable? You know, the writer

corduroy jacket. I don't want to be a cliche.

I better change.

Not again. You've had four outfits on already.

It's like I'm waiting for Cher to get dressed. Just one more minute. Look,

get you another glass of wine. I didn't want that glass.

Oh, great.

I forgot to pick up wine.

What the hell?

If she notices, I'll blame it on the French.

Okay, I'm stalling, I admit it.

I'm really nervous about tonight.

I mean, I have to be checked out by Ninky, the Carnac of the dating circuit.

This isn't fair. You know, I have a limited experience being part of a

And, you know, Wally and I are still trying to work out our own stuff, and

we have to absorb these other people into the mix.

I mean, if we're out to dinner together, I have to worry if there's food in her

teeth.

Jack!

I was thinking, you know, your friend seemed to like me when we met the other

night, so why push our luck? Let's not see him again.

Jack, Jack, it's just dinner. It'll be fine.

As long as you don't tell that story about how you and Jimmy Breslin raced

other naked across the Brooklyn Bridge.

But it was for charity.

Let's just go, okay?

me less. Unfortunately, he was unavailable.

Go on, go. Go, have fun.

So, Jack, what do you think? Isn't she great?

Oh, yeah, I'm crazy about her.

Don't talk about my new stereo system.

I just upgraded this, baby.

I now get 200 watts per channel, plus I have a very expensive subwoofer.

price. I'm sure I overpaid. But who's got time to drag ass around to save a

couple thousand bucks, huh?

I thought, what the hell? I'm worth it, right?

That's really great.

Hey, uh, I brought you a little gift. Oh. Nothing big.

That's nothing big. Oh, this is really nice of you. Oh,

wow, Jack. This is something.

I'm very touched by this.

Let me ask you something.

What do you think this is worth?

Oh, not much. Now, who knows if I win a Pulitzer?

Exactly. This could be a long -term collectible investment.

I have loads of that stuff in a storage locker in Jersey.

You know, signed letters from the famous and near -famous.

First thing tomorrow, I'm going to take this out there so this could wait in the

bin with the rest of the hopefuls.

Can I get you a drink?

Yeah, it'd be great. Thanks. All right, all right.

Oh.

Nicky, I'll get it. It's probably Bowman.

Oh, Jack, I have this Indonesian beer I want you to try.

It's bitter as all hell, but I paid like six bucks a bottle for it.

Come here.

Buddy, would you mind getting that? I'm on the line here trying to close a deal,

and I'm looking at a $30 ,000 commission.

Yeah, Bill, I'm with you.

All right, all right.

Doppler? Food for Doppler.

Uh, yeah, I guess so.

$67 .50.

Oh, uh... No, I'm not Doppler. Uh, we're guests here.

$67 .50. No, Doppler is on the phone. He'll be out in a minute.

$67 .50. Look, you don't understand.

You see, they invited us for dinner. We're not supposed to pay. It wouldn't

right. In fact, I was under the impression they were going to cook.

$67 .50. $67 .50.

Oh, Wally, thank God.

Jack, what are you doing?

Did you order in?

$67 .50. No, I didn't order in. They did. Chuck's on the phone.

Where's Ninky?

She's changing her clothes. She said she thought she looked too Westport.

She's trying to impress you.

$67 .50.

Hi, Jack.

Oh, great jacket.

Corduroy, of course.

Oh, well, good. The food's here.

Wally, want to help me bring in some plates?

Oh, just pay the guy. We'll figure it out later.

Mister.

Yeah, I know.

6750. No.

Monsieur. Dripping all over you. Oh, great.

That's just great.

Here. Here you go. Here. Thanks.

6750? What, did you think I'd forget?

You see how the gold braids around the platinum? And look right here. Look,

look, look, Jack.

That's a cut diamond, not a chip.

Yeah, I know we're in the middle of a recession, but I said, damn it, I'm

to treat myself anyway.

So, what time you got, Chuck?

Why... You asking, Jack? Just curious, that's all.

9 .15?

That's exactly what my watch says, and I paid $45.

Will, why don't I get this all cleared out of the way? I'll help you.

And, Ninky Doll, why don't we bring out the 50 -year -old scotch?

I figure each sip will cost me about 28 bucks, but what the hell, I love these

guys.

Oh, Jack, when I get back, how about I give you a little tour of the place?

How much would that run me?

So, Wally, would you do me a big favor?

Would you go into the kitchen there and get me one of Chuck's new Swiss tempered

steel knives that he had shipped in directly from Lucerne and plunge it into

chest?

I know we're in the middle of a recession, but I just want to treat

anyway.

control tonight. He's nervous. He wants you to like him. Oh, really?

Is that why I took a picture of me holding his gold brick?

And your friend, Nink, if she has this sick sense about men, how did Chuck

in under her radar?

I don't know, but she told me tonight she's having an affair with a guy who

works at the Hoffrit store.

What? Wally, what the hell are we doing with these people? I feel like I'm in a

movie that Kip would be in.

to childhood.

And that means something.

And I'll tell you something about Chuck.

When I started my first restaurant, I was turned down by a dozen banks.

And it was that man who helped me secure a loan. So I owe him.

But do you like him?

That's beside the point. Wally, do you like him? No, I don't like him. How

I like him?

The man's an idiot.

He has no inner life. I have tried to convince myself that he is not so bad

because he's married to my best friend and I have to spend time with him, but I

swear he gets to me like polka music. Wally, will you be quiet if he can hear

you? God, I can't stand him.

I can't stand him.

Will you be quiet?

God, I can't stand him.

You made that point.

All right, now look, let's just try and get through this, okay?

I mean, look, maybe Chuck has another side to him. I mean, no one can be so

totally obsessed with money that it permeates everything he says and does.

Hey, you guys, guess what?

Chuck is dying to play Monopoly.

How about that table over there?

Oh, you wouldn't want that one, I'm afraid. It wobbles.

Well, what about a booth?

I always prefer sitting in a booth.

That's very nice. But what would you prefer, sir?

Well, a booth's okay. Excuse me. He was talking.

We'll take the booth.

Excellent choice, sir. The booth it is.

Hiya. Jack, something terrible has happened.

It's Chuck and Ninky. Oh, no. Are they here? No, they're not here.

Not yet.

But they're coming, Jack. The Dopplers are coming.

Oh, God. How long do we have to get out? They'll be here any minute.

They want to see us, Jack.

They've been calling here every other day for the last two weeks. I'm

to run out of excuses.

In the last 14 days, everyone in your family has either lost their job,

contracted Lyme disease, or dropped dead.

Niki's starting to get suspicious.

I don't mind Niki, but I'm not going to spend any more time with a guy who knows

how much the little hat from the Monopoly game cost.

I know, I know.

What am I supposed to do here, Jack? I don't want to force you to spend time

with a guy you don't like, but I don't want to hurt Niki's feelings.

I'll tell you what the answer is, Wally. Honesty.

Are you crazy?

Don't worry. I'm going to throw myself on the grenade.

Look, I'm just going to explain to them in a calm and direct way that it's my

problem, not yours, and I'm sure they'll understand.

Oh, really?

And just what exactly are you going to say, Jack?

Look, don't worry about this, Wally. When you've been in a newspaper game as

long as I have, you learn how to lay your cards right on the table.

It causes a lot less pain in the long run.

Well, I don't know.

I'm very comfortable with long -term pain.

What's the story, Jack?

Caught in the big couple's trap?

Double dating. Group discussions about what to eat, what movie to see.

It's way too complicated for my taste.

Sorry you spent your first evening with the Dopplers, huh?

Pretty unbearable.

Wait till you meet the McGowans.

Why, what are they like?

They're into clog dancing.

living in the wide, wide world, Goyim.

Jack, how about I let you have another look at the mick?

Might help your mood.

Ah, yeah, there it is.

Reminder of my youth. The world was a simpler place, and I'd never heard the

name Chuck Doppler.

Hey, Jack, buddy!

Chuck! Ninky!

Oh,

this is just so nice that you came all the way to the restaurant. You didn't

have to do this.

Really, you didn't. Now, what's the difference as long as we see each other,

right, Jack?

Jack, do you know what the cab ride down here cost me?

You know, why don't we sit down at this table over here and talk for a while,

all right?

I have to go in the kitchen. I have very important things cooking, and my

kitchen helper has Lyme disease.

So he's out today.

I'll be back soon.

Didn't your uncle have Lyme disease?

I don't have the stomach for this sort of thing.

This is what you have to deal with when you're in a relationship.

You never think it's going to be like this when you're a kid.

Ninky and I used to play with our Barbies and fantasize what it would be

hang out together as couples. And if our Ken dolls ever gave us any trouble,

we'd just twist their legs off.

Oh, God, Jack's out there laying it all out for them in his usual tactful way.

Ninky's gonna start crying.

Somehow, I'll be blamed.

But I know this is for the best.

I just can't spend one more minute with Chuck.

Did you talk to them?

And?

We're renting a ski house together.

What?

What do you mean? Didn't you tell them? I started to, but...

I started thinking about Ninky having that affair, and I figured, well, maybe

Chuck knows already. And then if I reject him, we'll see him on the 11 o

news up in a tower with an automatic weapon that he paid too much for.

Oh, you wimped out. I can't believe this. Fine, I'll do it. I'll do the

work. Would you just wait a minute, Wally? These people have been your

for years.

Think about it, Jack. You, me, Chuck, and Ninky trapped in a snowstorm playing

Pictionary until we're blind.

Is that what you want?

Okay, let's not panic and turn on each other.

There is a way out of this.

It's called lying.

I told you. What were you thinking with all this honesty crap?

So what are we going to say?

A week before we have to go to the ski house, we make up some excuse.

Yes, yes.

Just in time to get our deposit back.

I can say that I broke my leg.

No, no, too much. A torn ligament is good. It's harder to trace. I like it, I

like it. And there's a loose brick in front of the restaurant.

We establish it tonight.

Oh, my God, we're magic together.

If only Ninky could hear us, she'd see how right we are for each other. I've

never been more attracted to you than I am right now.

I'd say it's worth about $2 ,800 to $3 ,400, depending on the market, which is

in the toilet right now. So I'll give you $2 ,000 for it.

Oh, it's not for sale.

It's a family heirloom.

I mean, would you sell your mother's jewelry?

I have.

Have you seen this yet?

Oh my