Original subtitles

Nurse, this man needs a new kidney.

But he has an extremely rare blood type.

Only three people in the state share it, and I'm one of them.

I'm a doctor, dammit.

And I know what I have to do.

I'll give him my kidney.

Even though he is the man who... ...murdered my

wife.

Even though he is the man who murdered my wife.

Line.

If my kidney will keep him alive long enough. If my kidney will keep him alive

long enough to die in the electric chair, it'll be worth it.

All right.

After all these years of playing deranged psychopaths, I finally have a

to audition for the hero.

All right.

Let's do it again. But this time I need eye contact. You see, acting is

reacting.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are we having some sort of interpersonal

here? Yeah, I think we just might be.

God help me, I don't know who I am anymore.

Hey, Walt.

Oh, hi, Kip.

God, you look absolutely beautiful today.

Relax, I mailed your alimony check yesterday.

Hey, come on, I'm giving you a sincere compliment.

How about having a late dinner with me tonight?

Just like old times.

Old times is not really a big selling point with me, Kemp. Besides, you know

already seeing someone else.

Yeah. What's his name?

Wally, what the hell do you see in this guy, anyway?

He's smart, he's funny, he's got a job, and he's great in bed.

Yeah. But has he ever played Captain Andy in Showboat?

No.

Is he living here now?

Check the bathroom. See if you've got a futon in there.

Hi, sweetie.

Oh, this is a nice surprise.

I thought you were working on your election day column.

I am, but you only type the name Pat Buchanan into a word processor so many

times before the system crashes.

You know, I was thinking, we've both been so busy lately, we could use a

treat.

Oh, wow. Couldn't we just cuddle for a change?

Jack, I'm talking about a romantic little dinner for two right here after

restaurant closes.

What do you think?

I think I'm counting the hours.

Be here at midnight and be prepared to stay a while.

How did I get so lucky?

I either did a lot more good deeds than I remember.

Or I was Harriet Tubman in a past life, and this is my big reward.

Hey, guys. How's it going?

No, no, no. Don't try to get me to chat. I'm swearing that all for good.

Did you hear?

I talked to the actor.

Wow. Yeah.

So, Jack, I see Wally's got a special little dinner out there planned for

tonight.

Say, I, uh...

Hope you're getting her something special.

Bring her a nice bottle of wine. It'll be good.

Bottle of wine?

That's what you get somebody for your two -month anniversary?

Two -month anniversary? What are you talking about?

Well, it was exactly two months ago today that you met Wally.

I remember that because it was the day I got my teeth cleaned.

I get my teeth cleaned every two months. I know it sounds excessive, but

litvacks are prone to plaque.

What are you saying, Ray, that I should go out and get a gift for a two -month

anniversary? Well, she's making a special dinner for you.

I mean, if you don't pull in with a good gift, back to hanging out with me on

Saturday nights.

Oh, Jesus, it's horrible.

Now I've got to go out and buy her a gift.

Giving a woman the first gift is a no -win situation.

They judge you by gifts.

Now, calm down.

When it comes to buying gifts for women, I'm an expert.

I've got six sisters.

All greedy, all different sizes.

Jack, I'm offering you my help.

You're on.

There's no way I'm going through this alone.

Come on, let's move it.

Where are you boys headed in such a hurry?

We're going to go get Wally a gift. Today's their two -month anniversary.

Oh, congratulations.

Charles and I will be spending our 20th in the slammer.

I was thinking of getting him a nice argyle sweater or six cartons of

so he can barter for his life.

Ray.

Afternoon, Mary Margaret. Wait till you guys hear who the Knicks are trading.

Not now, Meg.

What was that all about? I feel like the offender in a mouthwash commercial.

Jack buying Wally a present at their two -month anniversary.

And he's getting her a present? Get out of here.

Jack and I have been friends for ten years.

The only thing he ever bought me were tickets to see Willard Scott and give

Al Harry.

We're going to talk for a while.

Wally, you didn't say anything to us. Congratulations.

For what? For what? For what?

Come on, Zoe. Your big two -month anniversary.

My what? Jack is so... I'm excited about your dinner tonight. He's right... Oh,

no. I shouldn't really say anything. He's out right now getting your gift.

that adorable?

He's buying me a gift?

For two months?

Don't tell me he's one of those guys that remembers every detail.

Well, he never used to. But you changed him.

Well, this is a nightmare. I only have an hour before dinner prep, and now I

have to go out and get Jack a gift.

The first gift.

The gift they judge you by. Men do that, you know.

Meg, you've known Jack a lot longer than I have.

Do you have any ideas? Any ideas at all? Yeah, plenty. But what's in it for me?

I'll give you a free dinner. I don't like the food here.

I'll buy you a case of beer.

Imported or domestic?

I don't care.

Deal. All right.

Let's shop.

Is it okay if I tag along? I know where all the sales are, and I know

Bloomingdale's like the back of my hand.

I got locked in there one, but I spent a comfy night in the bed and bath shop.

Jack,

come on.

This is getting us nowhere.

We got to go in.

I have a problem with hospitals and lingerie stores.

I experience a tremendous amount of discomfort in both places.

It's getting late, Jack.

All right. All right.

You gotta trust me on this one, Jack. All my sisters love this stuff.

So just act natural like you belong.

Go ahead.

Browse. Look

at me.

Have you ever seen me like this?

The anxiety is tremendous.

I mean, this place is crawling with women.

All checking me out.

And you know what they're thinking, don't you? They're thinking I'm here

shopping for myself.

Could we go through here fast, please?

This is a good place to start.

Now, this is your basic bustier. Right.

Now, you take the bustier and you add these garters to it.

You got yourself a merry widow.

Oh, and the garters hold up the pantyhose.

Well, they hold up the stockings. Pantyhose hold themselves up. Of course.

Now, say you got a bustier. I got a bustier. And you want to wear stockings

it? Oh, I'll wear the merry widow over the bustier.

Jack, think about what you're saying.

What would be the point of wearing a merry widow over a bustier? You're

you're right.

So you get yourself a garter belt to go with a bustier.

Oh, I see. The garter belt and the bustier are like a merry widow, except

separate pieces. Exactly.

All right, I'm getting the hang of this.

How may I help you, gentlemen?

I'm looking for a gift for a woman.

Definitely a woman.

Did you have anything particular in mind?

It's his anniversary, so he's looking for something romantic and sexy, yet

tasteful. How about a lovely bra?

Yes, a lovely bra.

Excellent suggestion.

Please take us to the lovely bras.

Is there a preference of a front or back clasp?

I generally prefer the front clasp.

It's a much easier maneuver.

I meant, does the lady have a preference?

Maybe we better stay away from the lovely bras.

How about a chemise, a half -slip, bikini briefs, hipsters, camisole, body

stocking?

Excuse me. And don't touch anything.

I'm sweating. Can you believe this? My shirt is actually wet.

Jack, you're working yourself into a state.

Now, come on.

You know what you like.

Just pick something. Trust your instincts.

I like this.

Oh, Jack.

Aqua?

I can't do this.

And you know what's really disturbing?

There are naked women right behind that curtain.

I don't want to know that.

They shouldn't allow men in here. What if I were Kennedy?

Thank you for being so patient. And may I make a wild suggestion?

Why don't we just move this whole situation along quickly so we can all

with our lives?

Perhaps you should go with the black silk teddy.

Your lady friend will appreciate the traditional understated elegance while

get your jollies from the convenient three -snap crotch.

out of our way for rubber vomit and I'm with stupid T -shirts?

I'm running out of time. I'm not going to find anything here. Trust me on this

one. Jack loves practical jokes.

He could spend hours in a place like this.

What an unusual store.

Is this what you would call funky?

Hey, look.

Severed finger.

Slip it on, stagger around the room, and your friends will be packing it nice

and driving you to the hospital before you know it.

Will you work with me, please?

Nadine, put that down. You don't know where it's going.

I'm getting nowhere fast. She has all her Christmas shopping done, and I

found one lousy gift.

Now start looking.

If we don't find something in here in five minutes, we're going back to the

magnet hutch.

This is impossible.

It is too early in the relationship to be giving gifts.

It takes me weeks to find the right thing, not hours.

in such a funky store.

Is there something I can help you with? My friend needs a gift for her

boyfriend.

You seen her I .D. bracelets?

You can engrave them. So, like, what's your name?

Wally.

Okay, so you write Property of Wally. Then the other chicks would know to stay

away.

But this chick is looking for something more adult.

Oh,

you want the 18 and over aisle, huh?

No, that's not what I meant. Hey, don't be embarrassed.

A lot of older women come in here for that stuff.

You know, I've been told that after 30, things become more... enjoyable.

Well, thanks for the update.

I, on the other hand, am just about to hit my peak.

Talk about a design flaw.

I have nothing against all the women.

I think it would be intriguing if you'd like to get together sometime.

Listen, I know you had to dig deep for the word intriguing, and you should be

proud of yourself for using it correctly.

But I'd rather order the house wine in a Chinese restaurant than go out with

you.

Come on, Wally. Let's see what they've got for us big kids.

We appear to be in the naughty video section.

Shame on us.

Meg, do you honestly think for one moment that I would buy Jack a porno

What do you think, that you don't think he'll like it? Oh, he'll like it. They

all like it. These things have no plot, no character development, and even if it

takes place in ancient Egypt, there's always a nurse named Judy who's wearing

uniform two sizes too small.

But do men care? Of course not.

They're just waiting for the part where Nurse Judy gives King Tut a sponge bath.

I have one question.

What must this girl's mother think?

And she can't be comfortable. A gurney isn't meant to hold that many people.

All right, all right. I think we've been in this store long enough.

That clerk's starting to look good to me.

Let's hit cups and touch. I always have very good luck there.

Oh, God, I'm doomed.

Doomed? Maybe I should just break up with him. That would be easier than

him a gift.

Guess who's being called back tomorrow to read for the director of The Kidney.

No, he's here again. I'm not ready.

I loved my interpretation of the role, especially when I added an English

accent.

That always makes it fresh.

So what do you think about that, Ike?

I'd say your house lights are on, but there's no one in the theater.

Tonight, but it's over, so everybody out.

Hey, Wally, I have good news. Tomorrow I'm auditioning for a big network TV

movie. That's great, Kip. I'm just a little busy now.

Well, this looks familiar.

Setting up a private dinner, aren't you?

For you and that other guy.

Actually, it's more than that. It's our two -month dating anniversary.

It's your what?

Wally, this isn't you.

We never did anything like this.

Well, Jack and I feel it's something worth celebrating.

Oh, I see.

Well, that would also be exactly two months from the day that we signed our

divorce papers.

I remember that day because I cried until the sun came up.

And then I went to the Greek place and had a Denver omelet.

Boy, was that good.

Big chunks of ham in it.

Tip! Tip!

You know something, Wally? I'm going to hold on to this pain.

I can use it in my audition.

Congratulations,

Jack.

I see you got her a gift.

You know, she doesn't like much.

And I hope you spent some time picking out a good card.

She saves him.

Oh, man, I forgot the card.

Believe me, I know exactly what you're going through right now because I have

been there, buddy.

Hi.

What is everyone still doing here? Go spend some quality time with your loved

ones. Oh, there's a pleasant thought.

All right, walk me to my car.

Okay, but don't try to trap me in the small talk. I don't do that.

Oh, just get your funky old... All right, now remember,

if he hates the gift, don't panic. He'll love the card.

Are you sure? We were so rushed. Please, I know the man like I know myself.

God, I'm so nervous.

My advice is give her the present right away. No matter how disgusted she is by

it, you can still recover.

Recover? What does that mean, Ray? It's going to be so bad that a guy with

electric paddles will have to run in here and jolt me back to life?

I don't think it'll come to that.

Okay. Ray, time to go. We don't want to be around when these two start playing

tonsil hockey.

So... I hope you're hungry. I have everything all ready. I'll be right

Wow. That looks really great. This is just the appetizer.

Shrimp and scallops with a saffron sauce and a bit of the bubbly.

Oh.

Madame?

Well, how about if I start off by making a toast?

To... Good night.

To our two -month anniversary.

Yes.

Our two -month anniversary.

The first thing I thought about this morning when I woke up was I met Wally

Porter exactly two months ago to the day.

How could I forget this day?

It's the day I got divorced.

It's the day I bought the shamrock.

It's the day I met you.

Two months.

Two months.

Dos montos.

Where has the time gone?

Jack, my arm is getting tired. No, sorry.

Where was I?

Two months.

Only 31 days until three months.

Three months?

That would be another anniversary that we could celebrate.

If you want to.

Well, of course I want to.

But we don't have to, unless you want to.

Well, I was thinking, an anniversary is a year thing.

Celebrating something every month would be a monthiversary.

And who celebrates monthiversaries?

So if we last a year, what you're suggesting is, if I understand you

we celebrate then?

How does that sound?

That sounds perfect.

on the cart there.

I wonder who this could be for.

You got me something?

It's hardly anything.

I mean, just because I got you something.

You did not.

I did.

Uh, don't worry. A bus didn't run over it. I just wrapped it myself.

Hey, where's the cart?

Can't believe this.

It must have fallen off.

And it was a great one, too. You definitely would have saved it.

You open yours first.

Okay.

But, um, just to clarify, other couples, couples a lot less secure than us,

would put an emphasis on these gifts.

You know, they'd use them as some sort of yardstick to measure the relationship

by. These gifts are little nothings.

Trinkets.

Tokens.

The card.

I love cards.

Sweetheart, what we have is strong and true.

But to hell with that, I'm dumping you.

and boxer shorts.

Gee.

You hate them, don't you? I knew it. No.

I needed a pair of these.

I didn't have enough time to shop.

I was under a lot of pressure.

I just thought they were you.

Open yours.

I just thought they were you.

What does this mean, Jack?

I'm not sure.

It could be good, or it could be bad.

I'm scared.

Oh, now, let's get a hold of ourselves. There's probably some rational

explanation for this. You're right, you're right.

What is it?

I have no idea.

All right, look, as long as we have a choice here,

Let's say it's good.

All right.

We're going with the good.

Can I ask one favor, though?

Let's not tell anybody about this.

What, do I look like a fool?

Oh, man.

Wally, can I ask you a question?

How much did you pay for yours?

Oh, Jack.

$32 .50.

Oh man, I got hosed.