Original subtitles

The city of New York, the center of culture and commerce, immortalized in

and song. It's the most fabulous place in the world.

But if I'm not in a four -poster bed in the country in the next two hours, I'm

going to have to take hostages.

Which is why Jack and I are taking our first trip together to New England to

the autumn leaves.

It's not that I don't love the sound of jackhammers and random gunfire.

But sometimes you just need a little change of faith.

I can't believe you talked Jack into leaving New York. He hates the country.

He has an irrational fear of squirrels. Has he let you in on that?

He goes back to his childhood when his parents couldn't afford to buy him a

so he trapped a squirrel in a shoebox and snuck it into his room. That night

opened the box, it jumped out, and it cornered him.

He was there for hours, until his mother came in and killed him with a squeegee

muff.

Man.

When you see something like that, I guess you don't forget it.

Sorry I'm late.

I was in the office finishing my column.

It's a nostalgic piece on communism.

We've got to find new people to distrust.

I'm thinking Canadians. What do you say?

Boy,

it sounds like we both need a little vacation.

You know what the great thing about this is?

You made all the arrangements.

I feel totally pampered.

Oh, Jack, wait till you see how brilliant the foliage is this year.

Charles always loved the fall, but he says it's not the same when you're

incarcerated. You know, watching the leaves fry as they hit the electrified

fence.

Wally, can we leave now?

I'll get going.

So am I a nice guy or what?

I mean, I'm the last person in the world who has any desire to drive to a place

where there's so many squirrels they control the state legislature.

I would much rather be in Vegas watching nude high lie while enjoying a

complimentary shrimp cocktail.

But this is our first trip together.

Maybe we should save that for a real special occasion.

They say you really don't know somebody until you've traveled with them.

I've been with Jack for two months now.

I think we're ready for this.

Of course, now comes the suitcase interrogation.

Why did you pack so much? What do you have in there? And then he makes up some

stupid heavy thing.

I'm set.

Okay, let me take this for you.

What the hell do you have in here? A gross of lead ingots?

Let's go.

We gotta stop by the rental car place and pick up the car. Did you get a big

car? I like big cars. I hope it has a sunroof. And a good tip.

Explain to me again why you didn't reserve a car. I didn't think it was

necessary. I went to camp with the guy who owns the rental place.

And he always rolled out the red carpet for his old bunkmate.

And that camp friend would be... Art of Art's

Dollarama Leasing and Car Rental?

No, my friend was Dave. It was always Dave's Dollarama Car Leasing and Rental.

But apparently Dave...

Sold the business to Art.

And how do you know Art? I don't know Art.

Well, I didn't like Art.

I think he had eyeshadow on.

Okay, so it's not what we planned. But we got the last vehicle there, and this

van is fine.

We can sit up high.

We'll be that much closer to the leaves.

You're right.

It's going to be a great trip because we're together.

Want some music?

Sure.

Well, then just turn it off.

Like that hadn't occurred to me?

Oh.

Okay, well, let's just see if we can try to learn to appreciate it.

You know, we really shouldn't close ourselves off, Mother Culture.

Where do you think this music comes from, Wally?

My guess?

It's a charming little melody about a young girl who, because of a forbidden

romance, is publicly flogged.

Sort of a Middle Eastern version of Town Without Pity.

Good God, get it off.

How?

Just reach under there and yank wires.

What kind of wires am I looking for?

Radio wires.

Hey, we're passing the George Washington Bridge.

Goodbye, civilization.

I have a confession to make.

I was a little anxious about this trip. I mean, everybody has their own

traveling style.

I like to know exactly where I'm going, have double reservations.

I think that's a good way to do it.

Don't you think that's a good way to do it, Jack?

Oh, absolutely.

Except if you plan too much, then you don't get to have adventures.

You know, let the wind blow you where it may.

Stumble onto that great out -of -the -way place to eat.

Find the perfect small hotel off the road not taken.

Jack, did you make any reservations at all?

Nope. I wanted you to experience travel the Jack Stein way.

We haven't said a word to one another in 15 minutes.

No reason.

Just sitting here.

This could be bad.

How about that? We don't feel the need to talk.

We're comfortable together.

This is really great.

Still not talking.

I'll bet she's mad at me.

Okay, the car rental thing was a screw -up, but that was art.

I am not going to take the rap for that.

Mr. Paranoid, I'm starting to sound like Humphrey Bogart in that Kane Mutiny

movie.

About the strawberries.

That's where I had them. They laughed and they jumped, but I proved.

What's the matter with Jack's lip?

What if he's having a drunk?

Oh, God, is he talking to himself? I've never seen him do that before.

Stop it, Jack.

I'm sending you thought waves to make you stop it.

Beyond the shadow of a doubt, with geometric logic, I proved.

What the hell am I doing?

I don't think she saw me.

Yeah, I'm still cool.

He stopped.

Thank God.

I've got to say something. I can't stand it anymore.

But I have to be very careful.

I don't want her to think I'm uncomfortable with this silence.

I have to say the perfect thing.

And the longer I wait, the worse it gets.

I think it should be something nonchalant, but smart.

Do you smell something?

No.

Are you sure? Check the bottom of your shoes.

Jack, there's nothing on the bottom of my shoes.

Oh.

All right.

We talked.

We're okay.

Jack, what are you doing?

You're getting off the highway.

I know that.

I just want to take the back roads for a while. You don't get to see anything

from the highway.

But do you know where you're going?

We could get lost.

There's nothing wrong with not knowing where you're going.

Jack Kerouac didn't know where he was going.

Those guys from Route 66 drove around aimlessly for years.

The fugitive. No plans whatsoever.

Except to find that man with the one arm.

Which, by the way, was probably gnawed off by a squirrel.

I think we should pick a town and head for it. You can get there any way you

want. Let's just target a location.

All right.

How about Ridgefield?

Ridgefield, yes!

We have a purpose. To get to Ridgefield.

Wait a minute.

Isn't Ridgefield a little more east than the way we're headed? Where's a map?

I'll bet there's one in the glove compartment.

If I can get the glove compartment open.

Let's see.

Shut it. Shut it. Shut it.

All right.

We'll stop at the next gas station and we'll get a map.

The enemy of spontaneous experience.

This road gives me the creeps.

It's exactly the kind of place where people get abducted by UFOs.

What are you talking about?

I'm not saying I believe in UFOs.

But, you know, you always read about these people who are just driving along

country lane.

And then they're blinded by this light, and then they can't remember anything.

But they have these recurring nightmares about these creatures who run scanners

over their naked bodies.

And then on, they can only have sex if they're wearing these aluminum foil

Or something like that.

What's that?

That light up ahead.

Don't try to scare me, Jack. They're just headlights.

Yeah, but they're really bright.

And oddly shaped.

Doc, watch out for that squirrel!

Doc!

Did you see that?

Oh, my God, it just ran right in front of us!

This smells like a trap.

Come on, let's get out of here.

No way.

I have had it with this meandering.

I am driving.

Do you know how to drive?

No, but I've always wanted to learn. Of course I know how to drive.

And at least with me behind the wheel, we wouldn't be off in God knows where.

Wally, we are not lost.

Oh, right. How can we be lost? We have no destination.

We're just one big piece of driftwood on wheels.

Now get out.

I'll slide over.

Get out?

Are you kidding?

and all of his little friends out there can run out of their holes and pick me

apart.

I'm not getting out.

You slide over.

Fine.

C.

What you do is not even locked.

You're going kind of fast, aren't you? I don't think so.

You know, this is not in any way a criticism of your driving.

But you have a tendency to drift to the left into oncoming traffic.

Like now, the truck.

All right.

All right, that's good.

We're almost out of gas, Jack.

We passed two stations. They were both closed.

Let's get back to the highway.

The needle isn't even touching the outside part of the E yet.

Personally, I wait until it's all the way off the E, and I'm able to coast on

the fumes right into the gas station. Now, that's a highly satisfying driving

experience. What's the point of that?

Is there a man anywhere who will allow himself to fill up at a quarter of a

tank? Oh, please, that's no man.

Look, over there.

What? It's a person by the side of the road.

We're saved.

I'm going to ask directions.

From that guy? Forget it. Why?

He's an idiot. Think about it.

He's wandering around on a dark road in the middle of the night. Well, what are

we doing?

Don't stop. Don't stop. Keep going.

I'd rather not wind up in a bunch of baggies in that guy's freezer.

What's that up there? A farmhouse?

Ah, I'm stopping.

And you're going to knock on the door and ask how to get to Ridgefield.

I'm serious, Jack.

All right, all right, you're serious.

Oh, would you look at that place?

All my life I've dreamed of living in a place like this. A crisp, white,

clappered house for the weather vane. A gazebo with morning glories climbing up

the side there. And a pumpkin on the porch.

Well... You see, you wouldn't have seen a place like this if we'd have had a map

or reservations or anything.

And who knows, maybe they have a little guest house.

Nice brass bed.

I can't believe every motel is filled with people who came up here to watch

leaves die.

I'm nodding off.

Can you drive?

Wally.

Wally, wake up.

Leave me alone. I'm dreaming about bed and breakfast.

Mostly bed.

All right, that's it.

We're pulling into this parking lot.

What? Parking lot?

Yeah.

This one.

Unless you want to...

Drive around and find a more picturesque one.

Otherwise, I am going to cut off this engine and we're going to crawl to the

back of the van and we're going to wait until daylight so we can see the damn

leaves and then get the hell out of here.

Jack, this is a Kmart parking lot.

Correct.

Which means we have the added bonus of being able to go in and buy some rope

tomorrow in case we want to hang ourselves.

I just want this night to be over fine.

I can add this to my list of life's most memorable experiences.

Right up there with the time I walked in on my grandparents while they were

having sex.

This is a joke, right?

Who's that?

Security. Now open the door instantly.

Yeah, what's the problem?

Didn't you see the sign?

There is no trespassing on the grounds after midnight.

Were you folks being, uh, intimate?

Is that it?

Not quite, but thanks for asking.

Were you brought here against your will, ma 'am?

Wally. Not really.

We're sorry, officer.

This guy is no officer.

He's just a rent -a -cop. Look at him. He's probably still in high school. Hey,

for your information, I dropped out of high school. And I am currently pursuing

a career in law enforcement.

Now, I would advise you to vacate the premises before I contact authorities

they adjudicate you for vagrancy, trespassing, and lewd and lascivious

Or, if you feel lucky, you can stay.

and I will effect a custodial arrest. Now keep in mind that I am licensed to

carry a firearm, and you are in my free -fire zone.

Is it my imagination, or is there suddenly the intense smell of clearasil

here?

Please, provoke him. Would you let me handle this, please?

We didn't mean to trespass, officer. Sir, we're sorry.

We'll leave right away.

All right.

Good night.

Uh, ma 'am, did anyone ever tell you that you look just like Michelle

I've seen Batman Returns like seven times.

I love her.

Well, that's great.

You know, we need more men like you out there to protect us from ourselves.

Damn straight.

A perfect ending to a perfect evening.

Take me home, Jack.

What about the leaves and the autumnal feeling of the thing? I mean, I suddenly

figured it out.

This wasn't about a trip, was it? This was all about seeing how much the new

girlfriend could take, whether I was a good sport.

Well, as it turned out, I am not a good sport.

And you're not a very caring person.

You didn't consider my feelings, Jack.

And I really don't know what you can do to make it up to me.

I'm sorry.

So am I.

Is it over yet?

What over?

Fall.

It's really getting on my nerves.

Have you noticed? People are starting to get that rosy -cheeked look.

And there's way too much plaid out there.

Oh, Meg, you don't know what you're missing.

Autumn is such a rhapsody of color.

Maybe you and I should take our own little car trip up north, just the two

us. Wouldn't that be so much fun?

Yep. We'll be doing that real soon.

Right after we get our matching tattoos.

Oh, you.

I don't know what the hell happened to Romeo and Juliet, but she better get

soon, because the only thing I know how to do in the kitchen is to look in the

pot and say, when's this going to be ready?

I wouldn't want to be a passenger in that car.

It's way too soon in the relationship to take a car trip.

We should have stopped them. What were we thinking about?

I'll always blame myself.

You see what happens to people when they go on these country jaunts together?

That's another reason why I'm not taking a trip with you.

Hi, everybody. We're back.

So, Leaf Man.

This can't be possible.

Jack Dine went to the country and had a good time.

I know you don't want to hear it, but we had a fantastic time.

One of the best getaways I've ever had.

How about you, Wal? How would you describe it?

It was sheer heaven.

I feel like I've been away for a week.

Well, I'd better get started.

Only two hours before dinner.

Nadine, did you get to start the stock?

Whoops. I'll get it. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Not so fast.

What have we here? It looks like a key. It is a key.

From the Plaza Hotel.

Would either one of you care to explain this, please?

We're waiting.

All right, all right. The trip to the country was a disaster.

Let the gloating begin.

It was absolutely the worst trip I had ever been on. Until we got back to the

city at about 3 a .m.

And Jack checked us into the plaza.

It was a stroke of genius.

We had a king -size bed.

Those little chocolates they put in the pillows.

And there was a Siegfried and Roy special on cable. I mean, what more

ask for?

But you missed the leaves.

Nope. We had a great view of Central Park.

There are a lot of leaves in Central Park.

And you want to hear the best part?

Wally saw the worst possible side of me. And look.

She's still crazy about me.

Right, Wally?

I'm definitely crazy.

Let's just leave it at that.

Come on, Nadine.

Hey, Jack.

I mean, you really think Wally saw the worst side of you? I mean, you didn't do

that thing where you put the cigarette in your navel and painted a face on your

stomach, did you?

I'm saving that for Vegas.