Original subtitles

Did you know that at least 60 million Americans can't read?

Shocked? So was I.

That's why I wrote a column about illiteracy. I said by the year 2000, the

Heart New York bumper sticker will be considered classic literature, and the

complete works of Shakespeare will be used as booster seats at Denny's.

Well, I just found out that my editor submitted that column for a press club

award. They call it the Algonquin. It's supposed to be a great honor.

But frankly... I write for the love of it, not for some stupid statuette I'm

going to use as a doorstop.

I won. I won the Algonquin Award. I'm a winner.

Drink's on.

What's going on? It's the moment our lungs have dreamed about, Jack. Meg's

giving up smoking.

You're kidding. Nope.

Ladies and gentlemen, I hold in my hand...

The last cigarette.

Gee,

that's great, Meg. Maybe you didn't hear what I said. I won the Algonquin Award.

And that's wonderful, Jack, and you'll tell us all about it in a minute. But we

just want to help Meg get through this, okay?

Go ahead, Meg.

As you all know, I've been smoking for a pretty long time. I started when I was,

oh, six.

But it never bothered me, no repercussions at all, until yesterday.

Well, obviously it didn't stunt your growth.

I was in the locker room after the Rangers game, sucking on my 97th butt of

day, which was a lot, even for me, but it was a double overtime, and they had a

real close -in bony driver.

And then, all of a sudden, the room started spinning, and like some sissy, I

fainted.

It's all over ESPN, me laid out on the floor, a bunch of idiots with no teeth

standing over me, stacking pucks on my forehead just for the fun of it.

I'm ruined.

Well, Mary Margaret, I had a very similar experience.

Oh, give me a break.

It was January 2nd, my first year as a sanitation worker.

I saw those dead Christmas trees lying there in the gutter.

I fainted.

I mean, sure, they try to prepare you with those training films, but you never

know what it's like until you're out there lifting the lifeless form of

Douglas fir cut down in its prime and the sap still warm on your hands.

Man, I've got to sit down.

We're all here to help you. Meg, you know, Charles decided to quit smoking

he went to prison after someone named Moose sent him a carton of Virginia

with a Robert Browning poem attached.

Can we move on? Other people want to talk.

All right, here goes.

The final smoke.

This is my second to the last drag on a cigarette.

This... It's my last drag.

No, this is my last drag.

Can you believe this?

Nobody's paying any attention to me.

I mean, this is the first award I've ever gotten.

And I want to ask Wally if she'll be there to share it with me.

I mean, it's great to have somebody you care about by your side.

But it's even greater if that somebody has legs up to her neck.

So my friends will be jealous and want to be me.

Hey, hey, hey, a few points for honesty, okay?

I mean, there are still a few things we men have trouble giving up.

One is our defensiveness about the Three Stooges.

The other is the fantasy of walking into a room with the most beautiful woman on

our arm.

Very often, this woman is wearing a tube top and pirate boots.

What can I tell you? We're Neanderthals.

Okay, that's it.

Thank you, everyone, for your support.

So, what's to eat?

Jack, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to ignore you. Come and tell me about your

award. Well, gee, I don't know now.

Come on.

Come on, Jack. Don't be a baby.

This is obviously a very big thing for you.

Oh, not really.

I was just voted the best in my field, and it was a big field, and I was the

best in it.

Hi. Anything to eat in here?

Well, I want you to know I'm very impressed. I've never dated a guy with a

trophy before.

Yeah, good. Keep flirting like that. Maybe it'll kill my appetite.

So, Wally, they give out the awards next Monday night at a bash at the press

club, and I know it's slow here at the restaurant, and I was wondering if you'd

be my date.

Well, of course I'll be your date. Hey, this stuff's good. What is it?

Mustard.

Really? It has a flavor?

I just thought they used it for color.

I'm out of nuts.

What kind of event is this, Jack? Is it a business dress, black tie?

Casual? Do you think vegetables suffer?

We hack them into little pieces and drop them into boiling water. Once, I

thought I heard a little scream.

Wally, whatever you want to wear, you'll look great. But as long as we're on the

subject... They're nuts, Ike. I know, I know.

What is everybody doing in my kitchen?

Out! Out!

Everybody out!

But still not enough.

As you were saying, Jack. Right. As I was saying, anything you want to wear

would be fine with me.

It'd be great if it were something special.

Well, of course I'll wear something special. I'll wear my black dinner suit.

Black dinner suit?

You mean the one with those really wide pants?

What are you saying, Jack? You don't like the way I dress?

No, I never said that.

Exactly.

Oh, this is lovely.

Wally, you're making too big a thing out of this. I do like the way you dress.

It's just that sometimes you seem a little too... tasteful.

Wally, you think you have a fashion dilemma? I'm going to visit Charles next

week. What do you wear to a state penitentiary?

On your first conjugal visit.

Something with Velcro.

It's not clear about the dress code.

What exactly is it that you'd like me to wear?

Wally, just forget that I said anything.

Whatever you wear, you'll look great.

But what?

Nothing. Whatever you wear, you'll look great.

Four, three, two.

But if I were a woman at legs like yours, I'd want to show them off a

Oh, I see where this is going.

It's the Catch -22 of dressing for men.

You want me to look cheap but classy at the same time. You want me to be able to

talk with your friends about the SNL scandal while wearing a skin -tight mini

and spiked heels. All so you can have the satisfaction of thinking that every

man in the room is wishing he were Jack Stein.

Wally, where do you get these ideas?

All I'm saying is you're a beautiful woman. You shouldn't hide it. Here, I'll

show you what I mean.

May I borrow one of these, please?

Let's see.

We'll just flip through here and see what there is that... Ah!

Here we go.

Now, what's wrong with this dress?

It's very flattering, and you can tell the model feels good in it. Look how

she's smiling as she bends over the motorcycle.

Jack, that model is... 6 feet, 100 pounds, and 16 years old. If I put that

on, they'd have to use the jaws of life to get me out of it.

Now, come on. A woman can dress like this today and still be respectable. I

would bet you anything that this girl is a noted anthropologist.

Sort of like Margaret Mead if she worked out more.

I'm going to get an honest male opinion.

Ray, take a look at this picture. Tell me the truth. What do you think?

Gee, it looks like she's smiling right at me, doesn't it?

Let me see. Oh, give me that.

You know, there's a real double standard going on here. Why is it that I haven't

asked you what you're wearing?

I'm wearing a usual. Sport coat, maybe a tie.

You know, Jack, in all the weeks that we've been together, I've never seen you

in a suit.

I love a man in a suit. It looks very powerful.

But I hate suits.

Very uncomfortable, and I don't feel like myself.

Jack, are you saying that you want me to wear this dress to please you, but you

won't wear a suit to please me?

Oh, you better not be saying that.

All right, all right, you've got a good point.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

Just to show you how much I want to please you, I'm going to go out and

buy a new suit.

Really?

If you're willing to do that for me, I guess I could certainly go shop for

something at J .C. Flusy's.

In case you don't recognize me, it's Jack Stein.

I went with the power look. She said she liked that.

But frankly, I feel like a Jewish Ken doll.

Where is she?

Did she say almost ready?

Well, Ollie, how much longer?

Five minutes.

Uh -oh.

Five minutes in women's time.

Now, that's a concept men have never been able to grasp.

Einstein started working in that area and finally set to hell with it and

figured out relativity instead.

I hope he understands the meaning of five minutes.

A woman can't predict how long it will take to get ready. We just keep...

working on our makeup until we hear him yell, I'm leaving without you!

Then we're done.

Come on, I'm leaving without you!

Last time I wore a suit, I was 13.

It was my bar mitzvah.

I think the fabric was a blend of wool and lead.

When I walked, it rubbed the hair off my legs.

And after I danced the horror, I had to be treated for second -degree burns.

Would you look at this?

The party starts in ten minutes. I haven't even heard the hair dryer yet.

least when you hear the hair dryer, you know you're near the finish line.

They should buy me some time.

All right.

This is the moment I've been dreading.

My dress.

I knew it was a mistake when they brought it out in an egg.

There is really nothing more uncomfortable than a suit.

When I bought it, the tailor asked, do you dress left or right?

I said, well, I guess I dress left.

He pinned, I paid, I walked out the door.

I'd gone half a block before I noticed a subtle shift to the right.

This whole dress left or right business is really a talk you should have with

your father when you're a young boy.

I'll be right out.

Okay, here we go.

This is the most important moment.

Because when Wally comes out, she'll be watching to see my reaction to her

appearance. And if I hesitate for one second, bang, it's over. She's back to

closet. I'm waiting out here for another half an hour.

So even if she comes out wearing a barrel and suspenders, I'll say, my...

no one wears a barrel like you.

Very few women can make a barrel all their own.

Holy cow.

Is that good or bad?

It's great.

Really? Are you sure this dress is okay? It's so open. I feel breezes.

Are you kidding?

You look incredible.

I must say, you look extremely handsome in this suit.

All right, all right. What are we standing around talking for? Let's go

stupid award thing over with so we can get back here and take each other's

clothes off.

I don't know, Jack.

I feel a little self -conscious.

My purse is longer than my dress.

You look great.

How do I look?

Great.

Yeah, I do dress left.

All right.

What was that?

He meant the award. The award he meant.

He was drooling.

He always wanted it.

Aren't we confident? Not everything's about you.

Ooh, you look good.

All right, come on. Let's go meet him.

Hey, Dave, all right?

Hi, how are you, Mike? Nice seeing you.

New York Times, Wall Street Journal.

Al!

How you doing?

Frank,

all right, my man. What's happening?

Rolling Stone.

Uh -oh.

Let's avoid these stiffs from business week.

You give them the time of day, next thing you know, you're talking about the

federal deficit and doing that phony laugh they do.

Hello, Jack.

Good to see you. Nice suit.

Nice suit. What's that crack supposed to mean?

Hey, Jack.

Congratulations. You were finally able to buy the award this year, huh?

What's with the suit? You look like a hip dead guy.

Wow.

This is your new lady friend, huh?

Bob Kellogg, Wally Porter.

Bob's my editor at the paper and my mentor. Taught me everything I know.

You are one hot tomato.

And I say that with the full knowledge that women have come a long way, baby,

and I respect that.

It's very nice to meet you, Bob.

It's Bob.

Bob.

B -U -B.

Bob.

Say it with me.

Bub's the last of a dying breed. A hell of a great old reporter.

He's been on the front lines covering three wars, won every award you could

want. I say something that offends you, feel free to slug me. I'm a newspaper

man. I can take a punch.

Would clapping be acceptable?

Oh, she's quick.

Would you two excuse me for a minute? I'm going to get something to drink. Are

you going to be okay? You want me to go with you? Nope, I'm fine.

I told her not to wear that dress.

Excuse me, I'm Jim with GQ Magazine.

You look very familiar. Have we met before?

No, I don't think so. Are you sure?

You must be with Vogue, Glamour?

No, no, I'm not.

Seventeen Magazine, then. Oh, no, no.

You know, I'm not going to stop guessing until I've figured it out.

By the way, may I buy you a drink?

Yeah, thank you. I'd like that. A club soda.

Ah, you must be a model.

There aren't many women who could wear that dress so well.

Oh, go on now.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you all.

So, in my opinion, the shrinking tax base and increased spending

obviously means there'll be no abatement in the federal deficit.

I'd tell that to the boys in Congress, but they're having enough trouble

balancing their own checkbooks.

Jack? Jack, can I see you for a minute, please?

Look at me, Jack. Let me see your pupil. Did they flip you some drug? We can get

through this, Jack. There are programs.

There are people who care.

Meg, something's happened.

I think it's the suit.

I just used the word abatement in a conversation.

It was Wally.

She made you wear this monkey suit, didn't she?

Why, Jack? Why did you do it? What is this woman's power over you? She can't

good in bed.

You have to make compromises in a relationship.

Compromises? What else, Jack? Exactly how bad is it?

Baby talk.

Has there been baby talk?

I hear Wally. I think she needs me.

I'm a mess just because of that dress.

That is a great dress, Molly. Oh, Dave, that's the second time you've told

me that. I can only hear it three or four more.

All right, break it up.

The show's over.

Keep moving.

Nothing to see here.

Molly, what are you doing? You look like a pantyhose ad.

Oh, really? In that dress?

You better wear my jacket.

No, I don't want to wear your jacket.

What? You like every guy's eye prints all over you like that?

Maybe. A little.

Oh, thank you very much, Wally. You've just solved a big problem for me.

Now I don't dress left or right.

think about this dress. I want to make a good impression when I go past the

guard tower.

Yeah, that's nice.

Let's go back and see how it works with the underwear we chose.

Oh, here come the party people. Did everyone have fun? Jack, how'd your

go? In a word, I stunk.

I used to be able to get up in front of people and start talking and in seconds,

everybody in hysterics.

Tonight, I opened my mouth and I started setting up cots.

You're exaggerating, Jack. You weren't that bad. Oh, really?

I can't tell you how much I wanted a cigarette when he started talking about

adverb, our unsung hero.

Gee, Wally, that certainly is a festive outfit there.

Let me ask you, are you getting enough circulation here?

Scott, I am sick of hearing about this dress.

I just want to take a deep breath and let my stomach out. Look out, everybody.

She gonna blow.

Well, there's obviously something to be learned here.

Although I personally don't care to know what it is.

So, what's to eat?

I guess this isn't going to be one of those evenings we reminisce about in our

rocking chairs.

No, it sure won't be.

What, you're mad at me?

I was the one who had the horrible night. You were Cinderella at the ball.

Oh, yes, and the place was crawling with Prince Charmings.

Like the guy from Guns and Ammo.

He wanted to know if I was free this weekend to picnic and maybe blow away a

woodland creatures.

Well, gee, I suppose that dress would have nothing to do with that.

Are you kidding me?

Oh, this is so typical. You asked me to wear this dress so other men would look

at me, and then when they did, you got jealous.

Jealous? I don't have time to be jealous. I was too busy delighting my

with a lengthy explanation of the electoral college.

It's this damn suit.

I think it's from the Michael Dukakis collection.

I'm a little confused here, Jack.

When we met, weren't you attracted to me the way I was?

I mean, why is it that when you start taking your clothes off with somebody,

they eventually try to put different clothes back on you?

I don't know.

It was the first night you were meeting my friends.

I guess I wanted them to think you were as great -looking as I do.

I'm not saying that's right. It's just the way men are.

It probably goes back to the Stone Age when some guy walks into the big dance

the main cave with a hot girl on a tight pelt.

And all the other cave guys look at him and go... Well,

I guess that just proves it, doesn't it? That's what I've been saying all along.

Women are much more evolved.

Oh, really? Is that why I'm standing here looking like Mr. January in the IBM

physical calendar?

Nice work.

You know what we've done?

We've made the classic mistake.

We met, and we were attracted by what we saw, and then we tried to redesign each

other.

You know something? You're right.

I can't believe we fell into that trap.

I expected more from us.

I think you're adorable in your rumpled clothes.

I never should have made you wear the suit.

I tried to change you, and that was wrong.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

Jack, don't you have something you want to say to me now?

Man, you look so hot in that dress.

Does it come in purple?