Original subtitles

I've always loved restaurants, even as a child. I love the soft lighting of

restaurants, the smell of perfume as the ladies walk by, the way my father

pulled my mother's chair out for her. Even if they'd been arguing since

breakfast and my mother threatened to blind him with the melon baller, they

always nice to each other in the restaurant.

And soon, my new restaurant will open.

It will be a magical place, too, with wonderful food, the perfect atmosphere,

and, yeah, a bit of romance.

Here's your beer.

Here's your beer nut.

Here's a wonderful little plate of salmon and leek croquettes I'd love you

try. We didn't order those.

I know. They're on the house. Our grand opening is next week, and the owner is

interested in getting an honest reaction to the new menu.

I don't like pain.

Sir?

The new owner has been through a lot recently.

A painful divorce, the stress of trying to turn this rat hole into a decent

place. It would mean a lot to her, and it would mean a lot to me, too. I have

life left in Westchester.

My kids are off to college, and my husband's in the slammer for a little

fiduciary hanky -panky. I guess what I mean is we're all in transition here. Do

you understand what I'm saying?

Lady, you coming after me?

Pardon?

Nadine? Could I see you for a second? All righty.

Nadine, I want to say this carefully.

It's good to talk to the customers, but not so much that if they're hit by a

bus, your life passes in front of them. Oh, I see. I overstepped my job

description. I was just trying to work the room, make it happen.

We're getting there.

Believe me, Ray, it's nothing personal. It's just that when I cover a ball game,

I'm working. I don't like to have guests along. I feel I have to entertain.

Well, you take Jack. Jack's different.

Why? Because, Ray, he's just there. He doesn't talk a lot.

Well, so you're saying I talk a lot. I'm just saying you talk. You talk, Ray.

What do you mean I talk?

You tell stories.

One story, actually.

Which story?

The story, Ray. The story you tell over and over. The story everybody hates.

I don't know what you're talking about. Yes, you do. When we walk into the

stadium, we sit down, you see the hot dog vendor, and then you tell it.

Oh, you mean about how archaeologists drilled into a landfill and found a hot

dog 50 years old? Don't tell the story. You're telling it. Well, it's an

important story. It needs to be told. I haven't heard it. Somebody shoot me.

You see, they put this hot dog in the middle of a landfill. It's perfectly

intact. 50 years old and as good as the day was made.

What's the significance of this you make?

Well... It illustrates that if a hot dog doesn't buy it... Oh, no, the hot dog

story.

Hi there, boys and girls.

Hey, Jack. How you doing?

And hello to you, Ms. Porter.

Noticed I took great care to call you Ms.

Oh, I did notice.

I notice everything about you, Mr. Stein.

So how has your day been so far?

Oh, you know, pretty great.

How was yours?

Sort of sensational.

Oh, God, I think they did it.

So, Mr. Stein, I see you have today's paper with you.

Mind if I take a look?

Well, I'd be flattered, Ms. Porter.

My column's on page 12.

It's about the election.

I come out against the four -year term.

I say, give them a month.

Things haven't picked up by then. Tell them what they've won and bring on the

next contestant.

Restaurant review.

Restaurant review.

You'll read it later.

Ah, here it is.

Le Petit Bernard opened last week, and I heard Casper Hirsch was going to review

it in today's three forks.

He gave Shea Wally a fork and a half, and I was happy.

I don't believe this.

I'm going to book a table and see what they're doing that's so great.

So you're going to check out a restaurant, huh?

Is that something you do a lot? Do you usually go alone?

Are you fishing for an invitation, Mr. Stein?

I just might be.

Well, what if I were to ask you to be my date?

And what if I accept it?

And what if I were to blow my lunch?

Hey, hey, hey, a little respect, please. I'm making an arrangement with the

lady. We're going to a fine restaurant and we're... Whoa, that is the estimated

price for dinner for two?

Excuse me, Jack, but didn't I just invite you to this restaurant?

I have to check out the competition.

It's research.

I'm paying.

Excuse me, did I just hear you correctly? Did you, the woman, say you

paying for me, the man?

Yes. Wow.

Well, this is one of the positive legacies of the women's movement.

Not like when you called us pig on a regular basis.

So you can pick me up at 8.

Wear something sexy.

Don't be afraid to show some skin.

So, this is shaping up to be a very big night for us.

Our first date out together.

Not that I had any problem with our previous dates, where we stayed in and

only steps away from a Sealy Posturepedic.

I'm only sorry that we're going to one of these stuffy, overbearing restaurants

where they have one guy who's just in charge of pepper.

But I want to show Wally that I can be comfortable in her world.

So later on, when I take her for the buffet at Maurice's Steak and Waffle,

won't give me any flack.

Queen's knight to king's bishop four.

Whatever.

So, Ray, this whole Jack and Wally thing, how long do you give it? Ten to

says it's over in two weeks.

No.

I think it's going to go at least six months. Probably longer.

Fifty bucks says you're wrong.

I move the castle thing to the horsehead thing.

You're making a mockery of this game, Mary Margaret.

That's rook to knight three.

He's not right to bet against your friends.

He'd be pulling for Jack and Wally to break up just so he could win 50 bucks.

Yeah, so?

Okay, I'll bet you.

You want to know why?

Because I believe in love, Mary Margaret.

Maybe that's not fashionable anymore.

Maybe that's not the hip way to think.

But it's 100 % red, white, and blue Ray Litvak.

I'm pulling for those two cockeyed kids in love.

You are a hopeless romantic, Ray.

And I'm compelled to tell you I find it nauseating.

Did I hear something about a bet? What are you betting on? How long it takes

Jack and Wally to crash and burn. Oh, I'm sure they're going to get married.

Money where your mouth is. Fifty bucks, cash only, no personal check.

You're on.

Although, just to up the ante, if they do get married, you have to sing Holding

You at the reception, you know.

Why?

She's bet before.

Hi, buddy -chan. Did Jack call to say he might be late?

I wouldn't know. I haven't been in a phone -answering mood.

Well, he's cutting it awfully close.

Well, he better learn now. Jack's always late. He was only on time once. That

was when I fixed him up with an East German swimmer.

It was the 70s. He was curious.

lose our reservation.

And then we'll have to sit in the bad section with all the William Morris

agents.

He's got 40 seconds.

Wally, I'm here.

Come on. We're going to be late.

La, la, la, la, la.

Holding you.

There you are.

Right on time.

You look fantastic.

Well, thank you. And you look... Is that what you're wearing?

Yeah, why?

Jack, I think the restaurant has a jacket requirement, and I think I

that to you.

But this is a jacket.

And I bought it because I thought you'd like it.

And I know I look good in it, because the guy who sold it told me he asked me

out.

I do like it, but I don't think a bomber jacket is what they have in mind. We

have time. We can stop at your place and get a blazer.

Come on, we're in a recession.

They're not going to turn away a customer because of some uptight dress

Come on, let's go.

Well, okay.

I'll get my purse.

Come on, this is a good jacket, isn't it?

honest. I mean, don't look at the kind of guy who could have a fancy dinner and

then knock off a few Nazis in the Temple of Doom.

Sure, I could go home and change, but I just want to see how flexible she is.

We're going to be in a relationship. She must learn how to roll with the

punches.

What is it with him? Why won't he just wear a stupid sport coat?

He's like a child I have to cajole into wearing snow pants.

I mean, he does look nice.

But we're not going to brunch at Chuck Yeager's house.

Okay, I'm ready.

Great, let's go.

Now, Jack, are you sure we shouldn't stop and get your sport coat? I just

want you to feel out of place.

Hey, I'm Jack Stein. I don't feel out of place anywhere.

Oh, come on. I thought somebody died in it.

You're actually going to make me wear this?

Yes, sir. Thank you for understanding.

Are you telling me that instead of letting me wear my own brand new

leather jacket, you'd rather look at me in this disgusting piece of polyester

crap? Yes, sir. Thank you for understanding, sir.

This is outrageous.

It's discrimination.

You better have a couple of ugly skirts back there for your female patients.

Yes, sir. May I check your reservation, sir? You certainly may.

It's Stein.

Oh, excuse me. It's under Porter.

Oh. That's because she made the reservation.

But if we come back, it'll be under Stein.

Remember that name.

Oh, yes, sir.

I will.

Better give us a good table. Nothing by the kitchen.

Jack, you may want to pace yourself.

Oh, yes, here it is.

Right this way, please.

Interesting.

They modeled this room after the fleur -de -lis in Paris.

What's this on here, egg?

Enjoy your dinner.

Hello. Can I get you a cocktail this evening?

I'll have a Campari and soda.

Beer for me.

You'll see our specials this evening on the left.

I would recommend the grilled mahi -mahi with onion marmalade and the free

-range chicken in ginger and garlic.

Look at this.

Chicken for $25.

Now, what's the point of that when we all know that it costs 50 cents a pound?

It's free range, sir.

So what does that mean? It's been to Europe?

I'll be right back with your drinks.

Would you like it better if they brought you one of those ladies' menus without

the prices on it?

Don't worry, Jack. I invited you.

You're my guest.

Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

I guess I'm just wondering that...

If you pay, you're going to be expecting sex from me.

Oh, I hope so.

I don't want you to think I'm undressing you with my eyes.

I'm just putting you in another jacket.

These appetizers are complimentary, Miss Porter. The chef saw you come in and he

asked me to say bon appetit.

Thank you.

Is it Filippo good?

Yes.

Would you please send him my best?

Excuse me, waiter. I think mine fell off on the way from the kitchen.

Maybe if you retrace your steps, you can locate it.

This is the chef's style. The portions are very delicate.

See?

There it is.

Now I see.

May I make a suggestion?

When you come back with my entree, could you also bring me the Hubble telescope?

I'll be right back to take your order.

Do I have to shoot you with a tranquilizer dart?

I mean, this is our first time in public together. I'd rather not be tossed down

on the sidewalk.

Now, I will be back in a minute.

I'm just going to go into the kitchen and see how their prep crew operates.

Well, I guess she's won the jacket round.

You see the balance in her step just now?

That look of pure, smug pleasure when Count Crouton over there made me put

on?

Oh, yeah, when women are asked to rank their moments of greatest joy, it's

always, one, the first time I held my baby, and two, the times I was right and

he was wrong.

But she never said, I told you so.

And that's the most important thing.

Because there are no words a man hates to hear more, except maybe, don't worry,

it happens to men once in a while.

May I try your almond torte?

Sure. It's not really what I wanted for dessert anyway.

Well, why don't we both save room then?

Can we go home now? I'd love to.

Here we are, sir.

Oh, I asked for the check while you were over there pumping the pastry chef for

information. Thank you.

You know, Wally, I was thinking, this is our first time out. I'd really like to

pay. Oh, that's very nice, Jack. But I invited you, so give me the check. No, I

really want to pay because I had such a great time.

I had a great time, too.

But we had an agreement.

I know, but I just don't feel right letting you pick this up. You don't feel

right?

What do you mean, exactly?

Well, you know, this is a classy restaurant. There are a lot of people in

who probably all notice that the man is letting the woman pay his tab.

They'll think I'm some gigolo.

A gigolo that doesn't do very well.

That is ridiculous.

No one cares. And I got to tell you, I'm getting a little angry.

Now give me the check.

That's more like it.

We're not teenagers, Jack. You don't have to buy me a mullet to impress me.

Wally, I want you to listen to me.

Give me the check.

Give me the check right now, or I may not be able to perform tonight.

It's highly unlikely, but why take any chances?

Oh, my God, I don't believe this.

All right, if it means this much to you, you can have the lousy check.

Thank you. I hate this.

It'll be over shortly.

My eyes! My eyes!

Okay, that's it. Waiter. Oh, come on, Wally. I was just kidding.

Let go of my hand, Jack. No, you're just being stubborn.

I'm being stubborn?

Yeah, you're trying to prove some stupid point.

What kind of stupid point are you trying to prove? That we had a nice romantic

dinner and I'm paying because that's what men do.

Oh, I see. And then you, the man, can complain about how much you spent on me,

the woman. No way.

I'll take that for you now. Just a minute.

Jack, I can afford this dinner.

Really. What is that supposed to mean?

I can afford it, too, you know. Here.

Don't you touch that.

Do not touch that credit card.

Let go of my hand, Jack.

No.

Let go of the check. Excuse me. Is there a problem, Miss Porter?

No butt out.

This is my check, Jack, and I am never letting go of it.

Never!

Oh, my God.

He's ripped the jacket.

Oh, you look at the time. It's way past dark.

Jack and Wally aren't back yet. I bet that means they're having a good time.

Oh, they got mugged.

Maybe he proposed.

I'm not going home till I hear every scrumptious detail.

Well, I never figured you were the silent door -slamming type.

You're going to have to learn to fight out loud, because I'm going to be honest

with you. I don't think I can be with anyone who can't even say what's on

mind. Go to hell.

Make me.

Well, good night now.

Why don't you show everyone what's in the bag, Jack?

Oh, no, that's a low blow.

Oh, come on. Show them, Jack.

Show them the souvenir you brought back from our lovely evening out.

They made me buy this.

That's the kind of place it was.

175 bucks.

And that wasn't the most expensive thing in the menu.

Now I'm just going to have to throw it away.

Oh, man.

You can't throw that away, Jack. You've got to bury that in a special drum.

That place was such a clip joint.

I could have mailed my entire entree with one stamp.

What difference does it make? I paid.

Oh, great.

Why don't you just put that in the billboard?

Well, that's it for me.

I think we should leave.

Are you kidding?

Finally some action. We've got ringside seats.

Wally, I just want to ask you one question.

What the hell do you women want?

I try to be generous, make a romantic gesture, and suddenly I'm the bad guy.

What do women want?

We want to be treated as equals. And we don't want to be patronized. And we

don't want to have to adjust our behavior to accommodate your fragile

And I told you they wouldn't let you in without a jacket.

Well, gotta go.

I knew it. I knew it. The famous I told you so.

You couldn't help yourself, could you? It's in your DNA.

We've got a very serious problem here, Jack.

We seem to bring out the worst in each other.

That was the first time in my entire life that I have ever created a scene in

public. It's always weird the first time, and then you start to like it.

They walked us out of the restaurant. The maitre d' said maybe we would be

comfortable at Maurice's Steak and Waffle.

to you, Jack, except grow up, pal, or we're finished.

I'm too old for this.

I should get out now where the getting's good.

I've lived my life as a bachelor for 42 years, and I've done just fine.

Women love me.

I have a steady job, a rent -controlled apartment, I know all the words to

subterranean homesick blues, and I've never killed anybody.

I'm a catch.

Well, that went well, didn't it?

Wouldn't you just love to see us try to discuss what religion our kids should be

raised in?

I'm too old for this.

Why do we need men anyway, hmm?

They came up with fire and the wheel and they've been coasting on it ever since.

I don't want to be one of those women that has to go nine -tenths of the way

make the relationship work.

He comes halfway or I'm out of here.

Remember that part of the evening where you were undressing me with your eyes?

Could we go back to that?

See, this is the major breakthrough.

We're sitting in a nice restaurant. We're not fighting.

So far, that was our first fight.

It was a big one, too.

Why don't we seem to be able to do anything in the normal way?

Let me tell you something, Wally.

If we're going to stick this out, that's not the last fight we're ever going to

have.

Or the worst.

Once we get to know each other better, we'll have more ammunition.

Jeez, that's a frightening thought.

You haven't even met my family yet.

You know, when I was married to Kip, we never argued.

I always thought it was one of the better parts of our relationship.

But maybe we just didn't care very much.

So what you're saying is the fact that you wanted to rip my eyebrows off is a

good thing.

Okay, here we are in a restaurant.

The check comes.

I reach for it.

What do you do?

I say, thank you very much.

All right.

That was a very big step.

And then I go out and buy you something very big and expensive the next day.

Now, see, that's wrong. You don't have to buy me something to try and stay

What kind of present?

I don't know.

Think around, and maybe you'll find out.

Hey, you creasing the jacket?