All language subtitles for Its.Always.Sunny.In.Philadelphia.S12E03.Old.Lady.House.A.Situation.Comedy.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD_2.0.H.264-CtrlHD_track3_[und]

MAC: No, your mom
is the monster, all right?

My mom is the sweet one.

CHARLIE:
Oh, the sweet one?

Are you kidding me?
Uh, look,

if anything, my mom's
aggravatingly sweet,

but we're not having an argument
about who's sweeter, what...

Whoa, whoa,
hang on a second here, guys.

What are you
going on about?

All right, look,

my mom's been calling me,

like, all the time, okay?

She's clearly upset.

Well, how would you know?
You don't even answer.

My mom stopped
calling me altogether.

Your mom stopped
calling you

the day the phone
was invented.

My mom has a great
relationship with me.

She never calls you!
She calls me
all the time!

Yes, she does!
But I have proof, anyway.

I have proof.
Look at this.

I got this in the mail.

Is that, like, a ransom
note from Mac's mom?

Huh? No.
This-- my mom sent this.

Oh. Why would your mom write
a ransom note to herself?

Oh, it's not a...
it's not a ransom note.

This is just how
she writes notes to me.

That-that's like a bunch
of gibberish, Charlie.

I don't know...

Is that a hieroglyph
of a dog?

Yeah, that's the animal
my mom fears the most, right?

She-she feels trapped
inside her own home.

There is no way

you could get
that from this.

Oh-oh, okay, guys,
guys, guys.

I think I have a pretty
simple solution here.

You see, ever since
I moved in

with Mac, and Dee
and Old Black Man,

my surveillance system's
just lying around in storage.

I got about a baker's
dozen of cameras.

They're just sitting there.

I say we set them up
in your mom's home

and find out what's
really going on in there.

That could work.
I mean, yeah.
Great idea.

You don't think
that's creepy?
CHARLIE: What?

He's talking about
spying on your moms.

So what?

You can't spy

on unsuspecting women.

That's horrible.

Uh, they're not women.
They're old.

At a certain point a woman
goes from being a woman

to just being an old person.

True.
Well, what happens
to a man?

A man lives and then dies.
Why are we having this argument?

A man remains a man.
Dennis, it's a great idea.

Okay, and no one's
gonna get hurt.

It's not like they're gonna get
exploited in any way, right?

No, no, no, exactly.
I think once we have a look

at what's going on in there,
we might find the situation

to be, uh, pretty comical.

(laughs)

♪

BONNIE: Oh, it's so nice
of you to bring us

all these lovely
gifts, Charlie.

The plant, the globe,

(cooing): and the
little teddy bear.

Oh, no, no, no, no, Mom.

No, we aren't gonna
touch the gifts, right?

Okay, we don't touch them.
We just, we look at them.

Okay.
And they look back at you
and they... Hands off.

Mom, make sure you
don't water this plant.

Your mom's not gonna
water the plants.
Oh.

She has a very nurturing nature.
She would...

Oh, Mrs. Mac, are you
gonna water the plants?

(groans)

See.
Oh, Charlie.

I'm so glad to see you.

Yeah, okay.
I was worried that

you were dead.
Why?

(groans)

Oh, my mom also
thought I was dead,

and she also
loves me very much.

(grunts)

No, I don't.

Oh, she meant
the first part.

She meant the
first part where I...

because she can't imagine
a life without me, right, Mom?

I don't give a shit.

See.
I'll put you out

of the misery
of this conversation. Mom?

Is there anything
you want to tell me

that's going on
in the house?

Anything that's bothering you?

Anything you want to talk about?
Mom, is there anything

that's going on in the house
What are you doing?

that you want to talk
about that's bothering you

What are you doing?
in the house or I'm asking
my mom a simple question.

You're asking her the exact
same question I just asked,

so what are you...
Do you own all
of the questions?

Do you own that question?

You're gonna
steal my question.
(Bonnie yells)

Ow!

Mom, what happened?

She poured hot soup
on me!

I was adjusting
my undercarriage,

and I accidentally
spilled it.

She poured hot
soup on her, dude.
She was adjusting

her undercar... Wait a second.
What...

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

(gasps) We-we could
also get some soup.

No, the-the video. We can go
back and watch the video and see
Oh, we can watch

what actually happened.
and see... Yes.

♪

(Charlie and Mac
arguing indistinctly)

...complain about the soup.
She's beating the shit out...

Gentleman,
welcome to your moms.

MAC: Wow, man.
This is a serious setup.

Yeah, no, it's no joke.
I like how you moved the desk.

All right, uh, look, there was
an incident with some soup.
Yeah.

And, uh, did you get anything?
'Cause I'd like to see

if-if his mom poured
on my ma on purpose.

Oh, she definitely did pour it.

And she definitely did it
on purpose.

There you go.
She's abusing my mom, man.

It's clear as day,
but what's really interesting

is what seems
to be happening right here

in the live feed.

Oh. You want to sleep.
(snoring softly)

Well, I'll sleep you.

(snorts)

CHARLIE: Huh.
MAC: Uh--

what the hell, man? That's
your mom abusing my mom!
Well... No, it's not!

That's just one of those things,
you know, like where...
What thing?

You know, where you're just
like, you're like, it's like

a "Why, I oughta,"
but, you know, it's no big deal.

Why, I oughta what?
Why, I oughta bludgeon you

with a hammer. But she's not
actually gonna do it, you know?

It's like how Ralph Kramden on
The Honeymooners would always

say, "Why, I oughta." He was
threatening to beat his wife.

Uh, yeah.
Yeah. You know?
I mean, it's-it's funny

'cause he's not actually gonna
do it, even though the threat
That was funny. Yeah.

is always there.
Yeah, he might...
Yeah, he might cave her face in,

but he won't. He won't. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. But he's not gonna,
you know?

That's...
Yeah, b...
Well, that's funny.

But in this circumstance, it's
not funny because it's my mom!

Right, right. Wait,
actually, you know what,

we-we don't really know for sure
whether it's funny or not.

You know, let-let me try
something here. Let me just...
(rewinding)

You want to sleep.
(snoring softly)

Well, I'll sleep you.

(snorts)
(canned laughter)

Hmm. Well, what-what is that?

Well, I don't know, you made me
think of, like, sitcoms,

The Honeymooners. I just
thought, "This isn't very funny.

But if I add a laugh track,
maybe, I don't know.

But it's not a show.
This is their lives.

Yeah, but it-it does kind
of lighten it up for me.

Well, yeah, it did lighten it.
But I'm not saying it...
Can...

can you play it again
without the laugh track?

Yeah, sure.
(rewinding)

Well, I'll sleep you.
(snoring softly)

(snorts)

See, that goes right
back to super dark.
It's a bummer without it,

isn't it?
It's not funny,
it's not funny.
Yeah, no.

Yeah, but let me...
let me just try it again

with the, uh...
(rewinding)

You want to sleep.
(snoring softly)

Well, I'll sleep you.
(snorts)

(canned laughter)
(Dennis, Charlie, and Mac laugh)

That's funny.
That's funny!
I mean... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's weird, because the
situation really isn't funny,

and you add a laugh track...
I know, but the laughing
tells me that it's funny.

They have timing, man. They
have timing, for sure. Yeah.
That's great.

I don't understand. Is this a
dark situation or a comical one?

Well, we-we don't really know
yet, Mac. We don't know. But...

I tell you what, why don't
we stick around back here

for a little while. Let's watch
how this whole thing plays out.

You know? I'll keep sweetening
the situation

as it calls for it,

and you might as well
stick around.

(canned laughter)

Did you just ash in my tapioca?

Mm-hmm.
(canned laughter)

Yeah. All right, yeah.
I like that.
(laughs) This is gold.

They got something, man.
Like... Uh-huh.
It's really working.

I don't know what
this is, but...

What's this?
Oh, check it out. Mrs. Mac

and Mrs. Kelly have
a classic comedic rivalry.

I mean, they're going at it
like the greats.

Like Abbott and Costello,
Tom and Jerry.

It's amazing.
Huh.

Oh, sorry. Fly.
(canned laughter)

Buzz off!

(scoffs)

(laughing)

All right, well, you know,
if you guys are looking

for a comedy troupe that beats
the shit out of each other

for laughs, there's nobody
better than the Three Stooges.

Put me on the show.

Whoa.
What show? It's not...
it's not a show.

Yeah...
We're just watching our moms

to figure out what
the situation is.

Wh... I mean,
it could be a show,

but, I mean, you're right.

It's-it's not a show.

Yeah, well it
certainly looks like

you're trying
to make a show,

and I think it's
a good idea,

and I think you
should put me in.

Why?
Yeah.

'Cause I'm so much
funnier than these two.

Look at them, they're just
smashing each other with stuff.

I could add a whole, like,

physical comedy element,
you know?

Hey, I smell chips.

What are we watching?

We're not really
watching anything, yet.

Until Big Funny shows up.

You'll see.

Ooh.

Mrs. Kelly looks
hot on screen.

CHARLIE:
Come on, man,
knock that off.

FRANK:
There's something
about people on TV.

Catch me up.
W-what did I miss?

Uh, well, the grunty one,

physically abuses
the shrill one.

And the shrill one
psychologically abuses

the grunty one.

And it really plays.

It's really funny,

And, you know what,
uh, actually,

I-I'm gonna try
something here, guys.

(happy sitcom music plays)

You are a horrible woman,

and I can't wait until those
cigarettes kill you.

And I shall dance
on your grave.

(audience laughter)

Yeah.

This is so great!

And having those
other people laugh

tells me when
I should laugh.

Good.
Yeah.

I love that.

And the music
that I added makes you

you know that it's light.
Yeah.

It's also helping me realize
that I think the situation's

okay o-over there, you know?

And-and, honestly, I'm
gonna ignore my mom's note,

like I ignore her phone calls.

I think we're good here.

They have chemistry.

And I really love

how playful and fun
my mom's coming off.

Well.
Uh, no.

Yeah, no, no.
Never.
No, no.

I actually find your mom
very off-putting.

Yeah.
She's hard-hard
on the eyes.

Tough on the eyes.

And you know what else?

Like, super
one-note.
Yeah.

No! No, no, no, no.

My mom's got lots of notes.

She's a symphony.

She's getting so many laughs.

She's pushing the...
I'm concerned about longevity.

I mean, she's getting
laughs from us,

now, sure, but, uh,
I think that we're gonna

have a problem in the long run.

You just don't
understand the nuance

of her performance.
CHARLIE: I don't.

Cut to a close-up.

We need more close-ups.

(hacking and gagging)

Mmm.

(mouthing)

CHARLIE:
And she's constantly
looking directly

into the camera somehow.

She's repulsive.
She is repulsive.

You know what?
I'm gonna go over there

and-and I'm gonna show you.

Sh-she can pop, okay?

She's gonna pop.
You'll see.

(phone rings)
Uh-oh.
(humming)

Hang on.
What's up?

My mom's trying
to call me.

Hmm. Oh, wait, wait, wait,
you know what?

Don't pick up.
Don't pick up.

Oh, no, I never would.
Okay, good.

But let's let that play out.

Camera one.

Oh, Charlie.

Charlie, please pick up.

One, two, three.

Charlie, where are you?

One, two, three.

Oh.

God, it's me, Bonnie.

I'm so worried
about my Charlie boy.

Please don't have him be
in a ditch somewhere,

or squished between two trains,

and his body mangled,

so if they move the trains,

all his guts and bodily fluids

and organs spill out.

Please, God...

don't have him die.

AUDIENCE:
Aw.

I knew it.

She's a star.

Huh.
Charlie.

This-this could be huge.

Yeah?
I mean,

I think this really
could be a show,

with your mom as the star,
I mean,

imagine what that would do
for your mom.

I mean, w-what do you think?

Oh, shit.

Well, now I'm thinking

about my mom starring
in a show, and I like it.

Um, now I'm thinking
about minotaurs.

Now I'm thinking
about a hoagie sandwich.

Now I'm thinking about a glass
of water to go with the chips.

How-how many of my thoughts
do you need?

Do you want me
to go on and on, or...

No, that's...
We're good.

Mom, you know that I think
you are the most captivating

and beautiful woman
in the world, don't you?

No.
Oh!

I got something for you.

Sort of brighten you up
a little bit.

What the hell is that?

Lipstick.

"Heartbreaker."

Just like you.

I ain't wearing no lipstick.

Come on, Mom.

Be-be agreeable,

which makes you
rootable,

which makes you likeable.

(bleep) you!

That's a joke.

That's a joke, we will
beep that, I think.

He will beep that,
and that'll be... funny.

Uh, you know,
let me just, uh,

try and put
some of this...

Buzz off!

That's good--
buzz off.

You know, that's like,
uh, a call back,

which could become
a catchphrase.

You should probably
think of a few more

so you're not just
too one-note.

What about, um,

"I can't even."

Or, "That went well."

I'm gonna take a shit.

That's not a
good catchphrase.

It is healthy, though.

(shouting):
Oh...

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

(laughs)

What are you doing?

Just the wacky neighbor,
swinging by

with the usual hijinks.

Aga-aga-aga-agoo.

(crunching)

I'm sorry.

Do I hear
someone upstairs?

Oh, neighbor!

Just swingin' by
to say, "Hello."

Will you look at that?

I've got my dumb head
stuck in the banister.

Dee's a nightmare,
dude.
It's awful.

CHARLIE: You're not gonna try
and put a laugh in, or...

Uh, nowhere to put it.

Yeah, you can't tell
where the jokes

are supposed to be.
Exactly.

Whoops. (chuckles)
Okay.

It's actually a
little bit stuck-- Mac?

(groaning): Mac, you want
to come pull on me?

Dee, I-I don't know
what you're doing,

because n-none of
this is playing,

and you're not funny
at all and--

Hey, you know what, Dee?

From here, what you're doing

actually is kind of funny.

I wish we could
get Mac out of there.

Oh, I know.
Terrible.

He's making me sick.
Yeah.
Ugly.

♪
(doorbell rings)

Mrs. Kelly, can you please
help me out?

Uh, my head
is really stuck.

Um, I don't do well
with emergencies,

and I have to
answer the door.

(muttering)

Hi, Jack.
Hi, Bonnie.

Just stopping by to
pick up that hard drive

I accidentally left
under the floorboards.

Oh, come on in.
Okay.

Man, what is
Uncle Jack doing there?

He's awful.
Yeah, so creepy.

He's gonna ruin the show.

Yeah, that creepy
pedophile vibe

he's got going on
is going to be a tough sell.

You know, even in Europe.

Uh, let me try something here.

Let me take that jacket.

AUDIENCE:
Ooh!

Thank you.

Mm.

AUDIENCE:
Aw.

Hey! Hey, hey,
hey, hey!

(laughing): That's funny
from over here.

Yeah, yeah, just give me
a good push on...

W-what are you doing?
Hey, w-w-what are you doing?

(loud fart)
(audience laughing)

What the hell was that, man?

Wh-what, that fart?

I'm just trying
some new stuff.

No, n-n-not the fart, no.

The fart's good.
Yeah, no, I'm talking

about the-the sound
effects under my uncle.

What-what... ?
Well, uh...

I'm trying to make him likeable

by turning him
into the romantic lead.

Romantic lead?

They're brother and sister.

Yeah, the audience
doesn't know that.

Well, you know what?
I want to see her

bang somebody,
but not him.

Yeah. All right.

What-what if you
make him like a,

like a spy
or something, right?

And he's looking
for his hard drive, right?

Because spies are always
looking for hard drives.

Or, or, or how about
if you write in

some scumbag stranger
comes in off the street,

and goes to town on Bonnie.

All right, look, I don't
want to over-write this thing.

And-and all of a sudden you want
to turn it into a spy thriller?

Well...
That's... I don't
want to genre jump.

Let-Let's just see how the
romantic lead thing plays out

for a minute here.
All right.

All right.
All right?

♪ Life is hard on your own
Oh!

♪ Life is hard on your own ♪
Ow!

♪ But here's a place
to call home ♪

♪ Old Lady House,
where there are no laws ♪

♪ Old Lady House

♪ They're in menopause
(farts)

♪ Old Lady House

♪ You'll never be alone.

Yeah?

(chuckles)
What... what do you guys think?

I mean, um, obviously,
the audio is temp, you know.

But we could keep my
singing voice if you like it.

I like it.
I like it,
and it feels like a real show,

and I love all the letters
flying around on the screen.

Those are interesting.
Those are names,

uh, 'cause it's a credit
sequence, which is...
Okay.

pretty good, but-but why isn't
my mom in the credit sequence?

'Cause I feel like
she was popping.

You're lucky your mom's
in the credit sequence at all.

Because I'm writing her off.
She's terrible. Let's...

Yeah, the word thing you did
was good.
Yeah, it was good, right?

I mean, we got to get
somebody younger in there,

somebody hipper,
somebody who's more fun.
Yeah.

you know,
preferably somebody of color.
Okay.

What are you talking about?
You can't kick my mom out.

She lives in the
goddamn house.

Well, I'm gonna
cut around her, then.

Yeah, we're gonna...
Until the ethnic comes, and then

we're gonna
need your mom's room.
We're gonna get an ethnic.

You can't get
rid of my mom!
I'm getting rid of her.

I'm going to cut around her.
Mac,

she's out,
she's out.
I'm gonna...

This is...
He thinks she pops.

She's terrible.
Yeah.

♪
Oh, Mrs. Kelly, Mrs. Kelly.

Mrs. Kelly, hold on.
Just give me one second.
Ooh! One, two, three.

One, two three.
What? What?

One, two, three.
Oh, my God, what?

(audience applauds)
Hi, Frank.

What are you doing here?

(whispers):
I came to see you.

Oh!
Frank,
is that you? Hey,

come help me out,
I'm stuck.

Not now, Deandra.

(audience laughs)

Oh, by the way,

none of the stuff
you're doing is playing.

Except for the
fart stuff.

What fart stuff?

See? You should have farted
after you said that.

Just come help me
get out of this thing.

Put a fart in, Dennis.
What?

(farts)

Oh, goddamn it, what's
Frank doing over there?

I... You know what,
I think he's playing the scumbag

who comes in off the street
to bang your mom.

Well, I don't want him
banging my mom, dude. Shit.

(audience laughs)

Oh! Uh, hi, Frank.

I didn't know,
uh, Bonnie was

gonna be having company.
I would have put my hands on.

How embarrassing.

Get lost. I'm gonna
bang your sister.

You got it.

Goddamn it, dude,

This is gross.
I-I don't want this.

Can we turn this into
something else? I mean...

Well, maybe... You know what,
maybe we could turn this into,

like, a love triangle thing

between Jack,
your mom and Frank?

No, I don't want a
love triangle between...

Well...
I don't want any shape
of love between them.

That's just gross.

AUDIENCE:
Ooh!

I'll be in the
upstairs attic

rooting around
if anyone needs me.

Yeah, I do. I need you.
Oh, I'll be up there, Dee.

U-Uncle Jack...
Come on, Bonnie.
This boner

ain't gonna last forever.
Okay.

(audience laughs, applauds)

Yeah. Goddamn it, though,
he's really gonna bang her?
Yeah.

Did Mac put a camera
in my mom's room?

No, I did.

Listen, people...
it does not matter

how you people
try to ruin this thing.

I will make it work,
because I'm a genius.

MAC:
Now look at the... plant!

Look at the plant.

Now look at the globe. Up.
Back to the plant.

Can't cut around her when she's
in every shot, can you, Dennis?

And look at the teddy bear.
And the plant.
Great.

This disgusting bitch
is in every shot?

I don't want
to stand here no more.

I got to take another dump.

Oh, look, Mom, no more
shitting, all right?

Um... and when you go, are you
not having a full elimination?

I mean, why are you
going so much?

(audience laughs, cheers)
Mom?

Mom, where are you?

Don't try and steal
focus, Charlie.

Charlie, can't breathe.
What? What?

Help. Help, Charlie.

Get off me,
you crazy bitch! (grunts)

Mom, look, no more shitting!

Let's go, we got to
go where the action is.
Oh!

Mom! Frank!

Come on, stop banging!

Charlie. What a
pleasant surprise.

Get off me, man.
Gett off!

Mom stays
in the picture.
Let's go, come on!

Charlie! I only got to third!
Come on, get out of here.

Go. You can have any woman you
want-- it's got to be my mom?

Hey, come on,
what are you doing?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, Mom,

we got to go
where the action is. Come on.

FRANK:
God... Goddamn it!

I was sliding into home,
Charlie.

Get out of here, Frank.
Aw, come on.

Son of a bitch. Get lost!
Charlie!
Aw...

I can't breathe.
You guys, I'm pretty sure

I'm gonna die in this banister.

Charlie, what's going on?

Look, I'm coming clean. We've
been watching you guys, right?

The presents that we brought
over-- they're hidden cameras.

The teddy bear, the
globe-- all that shit.

I don't know how you didn't
see it. And then we

turned it into a show.
The show was pretty good.

We had chips. But look--
this all started 'cause you

sent me this in the mail.
I got freaked out.

Well, I sent it to you
because I missed you,

I wanted to see more of you.

♪
That's all that is? It's not
because you feel trapped

in your own home and you
guys are fighting too much

or whatever it is?

No. We get along great.

(grumbles)

Oh, but this makes me feel
so much better.

Now that I know
that you're watching me.

(grumbles)

My mom feels the same way.

And she also says
that she loves me

and misses me.
Well, shoot,

all right, well, why
don't we bring it on in

for a hug, huh?
Okay!

This was all just
one big misunderstanding.

Get off me, dude. Get off.
What are you doing? Get off.

(farts)

(laughter)

DENNIS:
♪ Old Lady House

♪ You'll never be alone.

I got to say it: that's
the best episode yet. That is!

It's a classic!
Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
I love the button

at the ending.
Yeah?
Oh, that was the biggest joke

in the show. The biggest moment.
It was, it was.
DEE: Was it?

I mean it, really.
Oh, well, guys,
look, I told you--

I know my physical comedy.
Yeah.

Right?
Okay, yeah.

Oh!
Oh!
What are you doing?

What's wrong?
Hey.

Show's been cancelled, guys.

What?!
Wha...

I got a four-episode sex arc.

Nah, nah. You know,
now-now that everybody knows

they're being filmed, it's more
like a reality TV show,

and I just can't enjoy it when
the people who are being filmed

know they're being filmed.
Yeah, but what about

our show, man?
What about making my mom famous?

It's just not funny anymore.
Oh, oh,

oh, oh-- I know how
to make it funny. (grunts)

(farts)
Oh!

What?
Oh, I...

I just shit my pants.

Oh, God!
Oh!
Oh, God.

Oh!
Oh, God.

Oh, Dee.
That's not funny.

I just meant to fart.
I didn't...

I didn't...
Oh, my God!
Without the laugh track

that's, like, really horrible.
Yeah, you're just

a grown woman who
shit her pants.

(audience laughs)
♪

Now it's funny again.

DENNIS:
♪ Life is hard on your own

♪ Life is hard on your own ♪

♪ But here's a place
to call home ♪

♪ Old Lady House,
where there are no laws ♪

♪ Old Lady House,
they're in menopause ♪

♪ Old Lady House,
you'll never be alone. ♪

(trio chanting backwards)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH