Original subtitles

♪ green acres is The place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out, so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

♪ new york is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you, But give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres, we are there ♪

Excuse me, henrietta. Excuse me.

Come, come. Go, little one.

What's the matter With you chickens?

All of your eggs are Coming out with names on.

Eb!

Oliver.

Lisa, is eb back there?

No, he isn't.

Do you know where he is?

Yes, I do.

I wanted to ask if...

Lisa!

Oliver?

Where are you now?

In the kitchen.

I wanted to ask you where eb...

Lisa!

Oliver?

Lisa, do you know where...

Lisa, where the...

Where are you?

In the bedroom.

Don't move. I'll be right there.

Honey, I...

What are you looking for?

Where do you keep the booze?

The booze?

Well, you know, the bottle You keep for municipal porpoises.

Municipal porpoises?

You know, when you get sick.

Medicinal purposes.

Yes, where is it?

What's the matter, Don't you feel well?

I don't think so.

Oh. What is it, honey?

Well, I keep seeing Names on eggs.

What kind of names?

Like the ones you see on

The beginning of television Shows, but on eggs.

If you find the bottle I'll have a belt with you.

Is eb around?

No, he had to leave. But He left a message for you.

He told me to tell you that I sent Him to drucker's to pick up something.

You sent him to drucker's?

Well, that's what The message said.

Oh, but I need him.

He'll be right back.

Unless he can't find Them at drucker's,

Then he has to go to pixley.

Uh, for what?

For what he couldn't Find at drucker's.

Look for the bottle.

I had to send him to Buy some vegetables.

Lisa, that's ridiculous.

Buying vegetables.

How else can you get them?

You grow them.

Where?

Well, right here. What Do you think this place is?

Oh, you're finally Going to tell me.

Lisa, why do you think I bought this farm?

Oh, you're finally going To tell me that, too.

Lisa, I bought... Oh, I... I remember.

You bought the farm to Get away from the rat's race

And to plant the little Seeds in the rich brown earth

And watch them shoosting Up towards the sky,

With their little Green shoosters

And reaching up...

Lisa, lisa, when you have a Farm, you live off the land.

You don't buy the Vegetables, you grow them.

Well, why don't you?

Oh. I haven't got time.

And besides, on a farm, it's the Wife's place to grow the vegetables.

Everyday you make up a new rule.

Yesterday, you wouldn't Let me play in the sandbox.

Oh, come on.

A day before, no Dancing on the table.

Do you want to discuss This intelligently?

If you think you can.

I'll try.

I don't want you To hurt yourself.

You know, it might not be a bad idea For you to have a vegetable garden.

Would that make you happy?

Yes, it would.

That's it.

Always thinking of yourself.

Look, if you don't Wanna have it...

Who said I didn't?

You mean you do?

Who said that?

Oh, for...

I'll do it.

Good girl.

It's kisses like that, that Are keeping me that way.

All right. Give it some gas.

You want me to stick Its head in the oven?

Come on! Step on it.

Hey.

These fell out.

What difference does it make?

It's running better than ever.

How can it run without these?

Maybe that's been Its trouble all along.

Too many parts.

Oh, that's ridiculous. It Can't run without its parts.

You shouldn't have said that.

It was perfectly content

Till you planted all those Superstitious ideas in its head.

Oh, for the...

Now what are we gonna do?

We have 40 acres To plow this week.

Beginnin' to feel the pressure From the competition, huh?

What competition?

Mrs. Douglas told me she's Gonna grow vegetables.

She's gonna try. But Believe me, nothing'll grow.

I hope not.

It wouldn't look good to have Her spoil your perfect record, huh?

Eb, will you see if you can find Out where some of these go?

Hey.

This one came out Of my roller skates.

Eb, I got enough problems.

I've got one myself.

When mrs. Douglas starts farmin' And she wants me to help her,

And you want me to help you,

Who do I help?

Me.

It's not gonna be that easy.

I'm community property.

Eb, will you stop worrying?

I doubt if she'll Ever get started.

So you're gonna raise Your own vegetables?

That's right.

Oliver and I were Talking it over.

Well,

I must say I'm surprised.

Well, I don't have to say it.

I mean, there's nothing in the Department that makes it mandatory.

Of course, there is a rule that Says a county agent should...

That doesn't apply in your case.

Well, is there any other Information I can give you?

You haven't given me any yet.

I-I'd like to know how To grow vegetables.

For what purpose?

Eating.

Well, let's see if We have a bulletin on

How to grow vegetables For eating purposes.

Well, that would be Under "G" for growing,

"V" for vegetables, "E" for eating.

We don't seem to have Anything in those categories.

Oh. We got a good Supply of bulletins

On how to cure Cucumbers of clodworms.

What are clodworms?

Oh.

Those are nasty little...

Well, they're not Nasty to each other.

Just to cucumbers.

Well, we don't like cucumbers.

What other vegetables are there?

Oh, I have a list here As long as my arm.

No, I guess it's shorter.

Can I have that?

Oh, no, I need it to Hold my wristwatch on.

Oh, you mean the list.

Yes, here you are.

That has every known Variety of vegetables on it.

You just pick out the Ones you want and plant 'em.

Oh, what do I do with the Vegetables I don't like?

Oh, we have a pamphlet on that.

Yes, sir, one thing We have around here

Is pamphlets.

Well, here we are.

"What to do with Vegetables you don't like."

Of course, this isn't An official publication.

I mean, it's one the chief tried

To get published Through the department.

Boy, those were Sure exciting days,

With all those Insulting letters flying

Between the chief And washington.

And I must say This for the chief,

He's got a thick skin.

He wouldn't resign no Matter what they called him.

Do I need any other One besides this one?

Oh, yes.

Yes, there are some More here, I think.

Oh, yes, you'll need This, and this, and this.

No, I don't think You'll need that.

It's a list of feed stores Off-limits to county agents.

You'll surely need this.

Oliver, I could use some help.

Already?

Not with the farming, With the figuring.

It says here in this famphlet...

Flamplet.

Flamplits.

No, this is a bulletin.

What do you wanna figure?

Well, it says here that three Fourths of an acre of land

Grows enough Vegetables for a family of 5.

Now, we are only a family of 3.

Now the question is,

Do we get 2 more people

Or do we do the Hard arithmetics?

There's nothing hard about it.

If three fourths of an Acre will feed 5 people,

What fraction of an Acre will feed 3 people?

Wouldn't it be just as Easy to get 2 other people?

Lisa, any school child can Figure that out in his head.

Well, I didn't go To a head school.

The school I went to, all They taught me was to count

How many karats There are in a diamond.

The way you do that, You find a jeweler...

Uh, the answer is nine Twentieths of an acre.

Do you mind if I have that Checked by an accountant?

Lisa, why don't You make it easy?

Let's say, one acre Will feed 5 people.

Therefore, 3 people require Three fifths of an acre.

Do we have one of those?

We'll find one. What's your next step?

Well, you have to find out

What vegetables your Family likes the most.

What do you like?

I like you.

Well, you can't plant that.

Do you like radishes?

Sure.

How many do you eat a year?

I don't know.

Well, would you Say you eat 2 a day?

Yeah, that seems like A fair radish average.

2 radishes day.

Now, let me see, 2 times 3 is 6,

2 times 100 is 200,

2 times 65...

Uh, 2 times 6 is 12,

Which calls for A one shove over,

Which makes the 5, 15.

Now, 2 times 15 is 30.

Now we lump them all together,

730.

That's right.

What made you Think it wouldn't be?

Lisa, if you want to Plant a few radishes, fine.

But why don't you take An acre and divide it up,

And plant some beans, And peas, and lettuce.

Beets, and corn, tomatoes.

What about spaghetti?

Yeah, well...

Spaghetti isn't a vegetable.

What is it?

It's made out of flour.

Well, what is flour made out of?

Wheat.

Good, then I'll plant Some spaghetti wheat.

Yes, you plant a few Rows of spaghetti wheat.

And, uh, look, while You're about it,

Why don't you plant a Couple rows of meat sauce?

And, uh, maybe some Parmesan cheese vines.

Good.

Now, which land is mine?

Well, come on with me.

We'll walk around And I'll find you an acre.

Good morning, neighbors.

Good m...

What are you dressed up for?

This is my vegetable Plowing ensemble.

And what have you Got in here, wine?

No, perfume.

It's going to be a Long hot day in the sun.

I'll be over later, To get squirted.

I have to go to work. Work?

Aren't you gonna get Me some breakfast?

I am too busy farming To do any cooking.

I knew something good Would come out of this.

I'll see you in burbank, luther.

Uh, where do you Think you're going?

I have to do my plowing.

How do you start this thing?

Lisa, I need the tractor.

Well, so do I. Where are the keys?

Lisa, you can't have it.

Well, for a neighbor, You're not very friendly.

I noticed that, too.

You keep out of this.

Boy, imagine how you'd Treat me if I were a wetback.

Now come on, lisa, get off.

I don't see why I Can't borrow it.

Off. Thank you.

I suppose you think you're A big man sitting up there.

Stand aside.

Contact.

Contact.

I am glad I didn't Borrow that mess.

You no-good...

That'll teach you not to Meanmouth a hoyt clagwell.

Oh, howdy, mr. Douglas.

Uh, arnold, shut up.

How did...

Oh, he's been Watching lassie on t.V.

And he keeps immitatin' her.

But that's impossib...

Arnold, in the house.

Ain't that the corniest Thing you ever heard?

Uh...

What can I do for You, mr. Douglas?

Oh, well, I got a problem.

My tractor blew up.

And I was wonderin' if I could Borrow yours, or rent it?

Oh, well, I couldn't Rent it to you.

Oh, that's very nice of you.

I couldn't lend It to you either.

I got some plowin'.

But you can have It as soon as I finish.

When will that be?

In about 2 weeks.

Well, I can't wait 2 weeks.

Well, I am sorry.

Say, how about newt kiley?

Can't get it to run at all, huh?

Oh, it's a complete wreck.

Oh, that's too bad.

Yes, and mr. Ziffel thought That you might lend me yours.

Well, if I had known you needed It, I never would have sold it.

Oh, you sold it.

Yeah, 3 years ago.

3 years ago?

Yeah, needed the money To buy this here barking pig.

A barking pig?

Well, he did do imitations,

But that is, he did 'em for The feller that sold him to me.

But when I got him home he Didn't do nothin' but eat and grunt.

Well, uh...

He made me so mad

I finally gave Him to fred ziffel.

Oh, yeah, I just heard him bark.

Yeah, fred likes to Do imitations of lassie.

No, no, I meant I just heard...

Sorry about the tractor.

Oh, that's all...

Was that one of the...

One of the what?

Uh, forget it. Bye.

Couldn't find one, huh?

No, I've been all Over the valley.

Everybody who has A tractor, needs it.

Well,

I guess that's the End of this farm.

Not that it ever really began.

I am not giving up just Because I don't have a tractor.

How did farmers plow Before they had machinery?

They used indians.

They didn't use indians. They used horses.

Good, sturdy plow horses.

Mr. Haney!

Tallyho, mr. Douglas.

I just happened to be Riding to the hounds,

And thought I'd drop in.

Sure.

You didn't happen to See a frightened fox

Go through here, did you?

No, we didn't.

Well, guess there's no Sense in continuing the chase.

I didn't really expect To find you home.

I thought you Would be out plowin'.

With what?

With that magnificent Tractor that I sold you.

That hunk of junk? That's nothing but a...

May I be excused? It looks Like this is gonna get messy.

Mr. Douglas,

I don't see why you have so Much trouble with that tractor.

I used it for 30 years

And never had To do nothin' to it,

Except have the Horn bulb patched.

The horn works.

Then I don't see Why you're so upset.

I'm upset because I've got 40 acres To plow and nothing to pull the plow.

You don't have nothin' To pull the plow?

You're not going to sell Me that horse, are you?

Sell you this magnificent Animal to pull a plow?

Did you hear that, nellie?

That's what they Call a horse laugh.

All right, how much?

Mr. Douglas,

You are insultin' the steed

That won the irish Sweepstakes, in 1961.

She won the irish...

Yes, sir, she had a ticket On the winnin' horse.

She'd be retired today,

But it turned out To be a counterfeit.

Oh, you sold her The ticket, huh?

He's just joshin', nellie.

All right, mr haney, how much Do you want for the horse?

Well, since you're in trouble, I ain't one to hold you up.

So just name your own price.

As long as it's $300.

$300?

I'll give you $50 for her.

Look, I'm not going to stand Here haggling with a horse.

I'll give you $100 and That's my final offer.

Ok, it's a deal.

But don't tell nellie. She's Got delusions of grandeur.

All right, nellie, We just made a deal.

I hope you'll be happy here.

Did that horse just moo?

If she did, would I sell her To you for a measly $100?

You all set, mr. Douglas?

Yeah, all set.

Giddap!

What's the matter with her?

I guess she's Waiting for the fox.

We haven't got a fox.

Giddap!

Try tallyho.

Tallyho?

Mr. Douglas, come back, You forgot the plow!

I guess he don't need it.

He's doin' all Right with his nose.

Whoa! Help!

Help!

Somebody get...

Well, who have we got here,

Whose polka dot Shorts are showing?

I'm not wearing Polka dot shorts.

These are black and blue marks.

Get me out... Ow!

Get me out of here.

Sorry, neighbor. I Have to do my plowing.

Lisa, get... Where Did you get... Ooh, ow.

Where did you get that tractor?

At the tractor store, it was On sale. It only cost $4,000.

$4,000... Ooh. Ooh.

$4,000? Take it back.

But I have to do my plowing.

Take it back!

No, don't take it ba... Ow!

Look, I need it!

Good evening, sir.

May I take your hat?

Oh, you're not wearing a hat.

What are you doing here?

I'm the new houseboy.

Would you like a Blast before supper?

No!

Hey, cook, the master's home.

Howdy doody, master.

What would you like for supper?

Who hired you?

Mrs. Douglas.

Where is she?

Was she expecting you, sir?

Now, look here...

Madam, the master's home!

Hello there, master.

Now look here, madam...

Your bath is running, sir.

Shall we oil you or bubble you?

Get back in the kitchen.

Watch it.

Help ain't easy To get these days.

Out!

What did you hire them for?

For $150 a week.

I mean, why did you hire them?

Well, I can't grow vegetables and Take care of the house at the same time.

Oh, that stupid Vegetable... $150 a week,

$4,000...

Where did you put the tractor?

I gave it back, like You told me to.

Did you get your money back?

Yes, all except $1,000.

What?

The man said as soon as You drive it off the lot,

It depreciates that much.

$1,000?

Well, it was worth it. I Got all my plowing done.

Oh, lisa, this is The most ridic...

Come in. I'll get it, sir.

Oh, evenin', mr. Douglas.

May I take your hat, sir?

Well, I... I... I guess so.

Would you like a blast?

That'd be fine.

Alf, will you...

Is there going to be another One for supper, master?

No.

Uh, mr. Drucker, did You want something?

Oh, uh, yeah, I... I came To tell mrs. Douglas

That the stuff is outside.

Thank you.

Uh, what stuff?

The stuff I need for My vegetable garden.

Uh, give the bill To mr. Douglas.

Allow me.

$980!

We got a discount, Being professionals.

Look, if you think I'm gonna...

Mr. Dru...

Where did he go?

He'll be back. I've Still got his hat.

This is, without a Doubt, the most...

Dinner is served In the dining saloon.

I don't want any!

What's that?

Your bath.

If you wait a while You can take it in here.

I give up!

Lisa, tomorrow morning, I want you to get eb,

And take all that stuff that you Got from drucker's back to him.

But I need them for My vegetable garden.

The hoes, the rakes...

Anything you need for Your garden, we've got here.

I don't want you to Spend another penny.

Oh, but... Not another penny!

And tomorrow I'll go Down to that tractor place

And I'll straighten that Fellow out about the $1,000.

Now, about the help,

Do you wanna fire Them, or should I?

Wait, you wouldn't Fire them on christmas.

It's not christmas.

When you proposed to me,

You said that every day's Going to be like christmas.

Oh. So I did.

Oh, merry christmas, darling.

You're fired.

That is your Vegetable garden? Yes.

I've been working on It for the past 6 weeks.

Where are the vegetables?

Well, you know, I wouldn't do Anything you didn't want me to.

And when you went On that economy kick,

And you told me not to Spend another penny...

Yes?

I didn't buy the seeds.

You didn't buy the seeds?

Would it make you feel Better if you hit me?

I don't want to hit you.

Do you want to kiss me?

Do I have to?

Well, that'll show That you're good sport.

Did that horse just...

Just what?

Oh, forget it.

this has been a filmways Presentation, darling.