Original subtitles

♪ green acres is The place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

♪ new york is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you, But give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres, we are there ♪

They're not supposed To get credit.

Mr. Douglas.

Oh, eb, what's up?

Mr. Douglas, are you Goin' into drucker's store?

Well, I was...

Would you say that again?

I said, are you going Into drucker's store?

Eb, what's the matter with you?

Your lips move and Then I hear your voice.

Oh, that.

Is that any better, mr. Douglas?

No.

Now I hear what you're Saying and then your lips move.

Oh.

How's that? Am I synchronized?

Yeah, but how...

I don't know.

Must be somethin' in The air around here.

Sometimes I have to Bang for half an hour

To get myself adjusted.

Then I talk all right, but I get terrible headaches.

Yeah.

You didn't answer my question.

What question?

Are you going into Drucker's... Oops.

Are you going into Drucker's store?

Why?

I need a bottle of aspirin.

This is like living In the twilight zone.

Oliver. What?

Where are you going?

Into drucker's.

What for? For one Thing, to get the mail.

What's the other thing?

I'm going in to pick Up some aspirin for eb.

And, uh, to get a present.

For whom?

It's a surprise.

Well, if you want To know any sizes,

Why don't you call me?

My number is hootersville 631.

Yes, I know your number.

I just can't remember your name.

Oliver.

Ok, oliver, I'll call You if I need you.

Here you are, mr. Douglas.

Oh, uh... Uh, special delivery.

Yeah, it came 3 days ago.

Why didn't you send It out to my farm?

Oh, I couldn't find anybody Who was goin' out that way.

That's no reason not to...

Uh, who's it from?

Haney, it's none Of your business.

Is the letter Addressed to you, sam?

No.

Then it's up to mr. Douglas

To tell me it's None of my business.

Well, it isn't.

That's all I wanted To know. Thank you.

Ain't you gonna open it?

Uh, yes...

Sam, ain't we going To finish the game?

In a minute, fred.

Anything else I can do For you, mr. Douglas?

Oh, yes, yes. I want to buy An anniversary present.

Oh, uh, how long You been married?

It's not a wedding anniversary.

Uh, no, it's just a year ago That, uh, mrs. Douglas and I...

Paid off your washing machine?

No.

I know. It's the Anniversary of the day

That your Mother-in-law moved out.

No, no, it's, uh,

We're celebrating our First year here on the farm.

Has it been a year Since I let you talk me

Into sellin' you that beautiful

Junior-executive type estate?

Estate?

Ain't you gonna Open your letter?

Oh, yes, yes.

Uh, what kind of present

Did you have in mind For mrs. Douglas?

Oh, I don't know, I... Something nice.

Oh, well, then you're Wastin' your time in here.

Now if you'd just step Outside to my truck.

I've got the nicest Assortment...

Just a minute, haney.

Mr. Douglas came in Here to buy somethin'.

Well, you ain't got Nothing he likes.

Well, uh, you... How do you know?

He hasn't seen anything yet.

Well, if he don't see nothing On my truck, you can have him.

Haney, will you please...

Will you stop pulling me?

Yeah, let him open his letter.

Oh, the letter.

Uh, uh, how about some Genuine french perfume

From france?

It's called bonnie neweet. That means "Good night."

Oh, say, that's, uh...

Yes, uh, I... I'd like To look at that.

I'll... I'll have to draw Some out of the barrel.

Don' t bother.

Now's your chance To read your letter.

Oh.

Can I have the stamp?

Uh, yes. Yes, of course.

Hey, this letter is From washington, d.C.

What's that d.C. Stand for?

Department of congress.

I... I... I knew it had something To do with the government.

Here you are, mr. Douglas.

Direct from paris.

$2.50 a gallon.

Plus a 10-cent Deposit on the jug.

I've got the same Thing on my truck

For $1.95.

Mine comes in a no-deposit,

No-return jug.

Haney, will you Quit comin' in here

And infringin' on my sales?

Sam, I ain't infringin'.

I'm just tryin' to Keep you out of jail.

Jail?

Yes, if I wasn't around To compete with you,

You could be Considered a monopoly.

Ain't that right, mr. Douglas?

Huh?

Uh, thank you.

Doggone, there must have been

Something important In that letter.

Maybe he was drafted.

Oh, no, no.

He's the type that enlists.

He forgot all about His anniversary present.

Yeah, that letter Must have shook him up.

Let me see that envelope.

"Wingate and wingate, Attorneys at law.

Washington, d.C."

Well, now we know.

We know what?

Mr. Douglas is a tax dodger.

It came special delivery From brad wingate.

How is myrna?

Who's myrna?

Brad's wife.

Brad wingate is Married to carol.

Then who is myrna?

That's toby tyler's sister.

Then why is brad Writing about her?

I don't know. He... He's wri... Brad...

Oh, now I remember.

Brad is married to carol.

That's right.

How is she?

Lisa!

This is a business letter.

Brad wingate wants to know

If I want to come to washington

To become a senior Partner in his law firm.

I don't see why you Are yelling at me.

I've always been Very nice to carol.

I have to discuss this with you.

I've got to make a decision Whether to stay here

Or to go to washington.

I don't see what There is to discuss.

You moved out here to get away From the rat race in new york.

Yes, but this offer Is from washington.

Don't they have Any rat races there?

Only every other sunday.

Oliver, I'm a little confused.

You're a little confused.

Well, that wasn't necessary.

What I don't understand is

That when we lived in new york,

You wanted to Get away to a farm.

Now we are here and You want to move back,

But to another city.

I don't necessarily Want to move back.

But brad's firm tries many cases

Before the supreme court.

And that's the kind of law

I've always wanted to practice.

I thought you Wanted to be a farmer.

I do, but I miss practicing law.

Well, then why don't you?

I'd like to.

But ever since I've been Here I've only had 2 cases.

Oliver, whatever you want to do

Is all right with me.

If you want to go To washington, I go.

Even if it means Leaving all of this.

Lisa.

If you want to stay, I stay.

Because I remember What the minister said

When I married you.

He said it was "For Better or worse,

"In sickness and poorness, In health and happiness.

"And with the power Investigated in me

"By the state of new york,

"I now denounce You man and wife.

And you may kiss the bride."

That will be $2, please.

Put it on my bill.

It's not definite that We're going to move yet.

Gee, I'd sure hate To see you and mr...

That darn t.V. Excuse me.

Arnold, will you please Turn that t.V. Down?

That's better.

That arnold,

If he spent as much Time doing his homework

As he does watching t.V...

Well, all pigs are that way.

You know, mrs. Douglas, I just can't understand

Why you're thinkin' of movin'.

I thought mr. Douglas Loved the farm.

Well, he does, but you see,

He studied for such a Long time to be a lawyer

And... And he misses it.

Well, why don't he hang His shingle out here?

He did, but nobody noticed it.

How do you feel about going?

Well, it's not up To me, it's up to him.

I sure hope you stay.

I love it when you drop Over here of an afternoon

For coffee and girl talk.

Thank you.

Fred likes it, too.

When he gets home After you've been here,

He always says how Nice the place smells.

Sure smells good. Mrs. Douglas been here?

Yeah. And maybe For the last time.

What do you mean?

Well, mr. Douglas is thinking Of moving to washington.

And it's all your fault.

My fault? What did I do?

Nothing. That's the trouble.

All you think about is Yourself and your pigs.

What do you care if he sits Around the house all day,

Brooding about the fact that He hasn't got any law cases?

If I was him, I'd Leave town, too.

Well, I sure wish you was him.

Now, look here, fred ziffel,

They are the nicest Neighbors we ever had.

And I want 'em to stay.

Well, so do I.

Then we got to do Something about it.

Like what?

You want a divorce?

That's right.

Yeah, and we want you To handle the case for us.

Well, mrs. Ziffel, Even if I wanted to,

I couldn't handle the Case for both of you.

Well, then handle it for doris.

I couldn't represent Her against you.

You're my friend.

Oh, ok, then represent Him against me.

Anything that'll make You happy, mr. Douglas.

Make me...

Look, I... I'm not going To be happy either way...

Why do you want a divorce?

Well, that's the only Thing we could think of.

What?

Well, you see, What fred means is,

It's the only thing We could think of

To keep our marriage together.

That doesn't make any sense.

Neither does our marriage.

Fred! You're asking For the real thing.

Folks, uh, divorce is A very serious thing.

Why don't you go home And reason this thing out?

Supposin' we can't?

Well, then you'll have To get another attorney.

I never handle divorce cases.

Don't do anything Rash, mr. Douglas.

We'll be back with somethin'.

Now, you want to keep Mr. Douglas in town,

Don't you?

Yeah, well, sure.

Well, then somebody's Got to find somethin'

To sue somebody about.

Well, doris, this Just ain't a suin' town.

Well, it better be.

Now, come on. Speak up.

Who's going to sue Who about what?

Well, I could sue you and fred.

For what?

You ain't paid Anything on your bill

In the last year and a half.

Now that's a real Nice thing to bring up

When we're trying To help mr. Douglas.

Well, it was the only Thing I could think of.

Fred, can't you Think of somethin'?

No. The divorce suits me fine.

Say, I saw somethin' On t.V. Last night

That just might work.

These 2 ranchers Was suin' each other

Because one feller claimed That the other feller's fence

Was on his property.

That's it.

No, that's not it. That's just the beginnin'.

That's all we need.

Newt, you're going to sue fred

Because his fence Is on your land.

But my fence ain't on his land.

It will be after you move it.

You want to sue mr. Ziffel?

Yeah, h-his fence Is on my property.

Are you sure?

I'm positive.

I helped him move it there.

Why did you do that?

So I could sue him.

Well, if you helped him move it,

How do you expect to sue him?

Well, I thought you'd know.

You're a lawyer, ain't you?

You don't need a Lawyer, all you...

A-all you need to do is Help him move the fence back.

Do you do that Kind of legal work?

No.

Oh.

Well, don't go away, Somebody'll be right back.

Lisa,

Did you mention that Washington offer

I had from brad Wingate to anyone?

From whom?

Carol's husband.

But I thought she Was married to...

Did you mention it to anyone?

Oh, why should I?

Doesn't he know Who he's married to?

Lisa,

Don't you see what these People are trying to do?

They're coming to me with These trumped-up law cases

In order to get me to stay here.

That's the nicest thing That's ever happened to me.

I wouldn't trade That kind of friendship

For any washington offer.

That's nice.

But you're the real surprise.

What did I do?

Well, not once did you Say, "Let's go to washington."

You never tried to Influence my decision.

Lisa,

Is it possible you Prefer to stay here?

Only if you put Something in my coffee.

Well, why didn't you Try to nag me into going?

Well, what would be the use?

We'd go back to washington,

Then pretty soon you'd say:

"Let's get out of the City and buy a farm."

Then you'd buy another place

And it might be Worse than this is.

Darling,

Why don't you write brad

And tell him you're not Going to washington?

You're a wonderful wife.

And while you write to him,

Be sure to tell him to Give my love to myrna.

He's married to carol.

That is another reason We can't go back there.

Nobody can remember Who they're married to.

Gentlemen, I have just written A letter to mr. Brad wingate

Telling him why I am Not going to washington.

Well, we sure are glad To hear that, mr. Douglas.

Thank you.

Yeah, glad to know you're Going to stick around awhile.

Me, too.

Thank you.

Can I read the letter?

No.

Uh, will you be sure this Is sent right out, please?

Yes, sir.

Uh, gentlemen,

Would you like to know

Why I have decided to stay here?

Now, if we say "Why?" Is this going to lead

Into one of them long-winded Speeches of yours?

This is not a speech.

I just wanted to Say that I appreciate

All that you've done to Try to get me to stay here.

I've always said that The american farmer

Is a true human being.

He is a man who works Hard from sunup to sundown.

His hands are calloused, But his heart is soft.

Yeah, but his head ain't.

I thought you said This wasn't gonna be

One of them speeches.

Just wanted to say That your warmth,

Your friendship,

Your neighborliness Has proven to me

Something I've always known.

What's that?

You don't have to Ask him, he'll tell you.

I have always known that This great compassion,

This deep feeling that You have for one another

Is the real reason that The american farmer

Is the backbone of our country.

Are you through?

He must be, his Lips ain't movin'.

Don't pay any attention To them, mr. Douglas.

They're just embarrassed Because of all

The nice things You said about 'em.

Well, anyway, I meant Every word of it.

And I want to thank You again very much.

He sure is a nice fellow.

Yeah, if he just wouldn't make

Them doggone Long-winded speeches.

Well, till he Started makin' 'em,

We never knew we was The backbone of america.

Haney, did you hear About mr. Douglas?

Uh, yeah, he just told me.

We sure are glad.

Yeah, so am I.

But don't it strike you As just a mite suspicious?

What?

Well, don't it seem strange

That he'd give up a big job In washington to stay here?

Yeah, it is strange.

Oh, haney.

Do you know how much money He made in farmin' last year?

$16.42.

Yet you've seen that Big car he drives,

Them jewels his wife has.

Huh, you can't Buy them for $16.42.

No, you can't.

Yeah, I wonder what he's Got goin' for him on that farm?

Oh, here you are, mr. Douglas.

Oh, hello, mr. Kimball.

Mr. Douglas, I'm Here to tell you

That your little game is up.

My game?

If you think you can pull The wool over the eyes

Of the american Farmer's backbone

With those 8-minute speeches, You're badly mistaken.

Mr. Kimball, would You mind telling me...

All the time that we Were thinkin' up law suits

To get you to stay,

You were pretending to be a bad Farmer to cover up your real activities.

Well, you didn't fool me.

I knew you were a bad farmer.

Mr. Kimball, what activities Are you talking about?

Shall we start With counterfeiting?

Counterfeiting?

Where do you keep the presses?

What presses?

Don't try to Brazen it out with me

Because it won't Do you any good.

I don't brazen.

Mr. Kimball...

I've seen some of those Dollar bills you make

And they're not very good.

Have you been drinking Your soil-testing solution?

How many wetbacks You got in the barn?

Wetbacks?

Well, I must say that You almost took us all in.

Well, you couldn't have taken us All in, you don't have enough room.

But it was pretty clever the way you Wrote yourself that letter from washington

Getting us to beg you to stay.

When you had no intentions Of leaving your still.

Now I've got a still, have I?

Yeah, between counterfeiting, Running wetbacks and bootlegging booze,

No wonder you can afford To live in a place like this, huh,

And buy your wife Diamonds and furs,

And $2.50 jugs of perfume.

I didn't buy her the perfume.

Very clever.

What did you hope To accomplish by that?

Mr. Kimball, I'm Going to count to 3,

And if you're not Off of my property...

Mr. Douglas.

Mr. Douglas. What's the matter?

Didn't you hear the phone?

No, I was talking to this...

There was a call for You from washington.

When I said you weren't here,

The woman said for You to call operator 235.

Thank you.

Operator 235?

Oh, mr. Douglas, forgive Me. Now I understand.

You do?

Operator 235 in washington.

So that's it!

You're a c.I.A. Agent.

He is?

Shh.

235. What's your number?

No, don't tell me.

I wasn't going to.

You intelligence Fellows are pretty smart.

I mean, buying a broken-down Farm for a cover.

Well, don't worry, Mr. Douglas...

Or whatever your number is,

Your secret is safe with me.

Even if I'm captured, I won't talk.

They can beat me, They can torture me,

They can even brainwash me.

That wouldn't take any More than a damp towel.

Oh.

It's those fast answers that Keeps the other side guessing.

Yeah, yeah, we're Fast with the cracks.

Well, good luck, mr. Douglas.

Isn't that the Most ridiculous...

So you're a secret agent.

Eb.

Oh, I didn't mean To say it so loud.

Why, that 235 sure Has a sexy voice.

But then I guess you intelligence Guys run into a lot of that.

Not as much as we'd like to.

Well, you go call you-know-who,

And I'll cover you From down here.

Good boy.

I'll mention you in my report.

Who were you talking to?

Oh, brad wingate. Uh, Lydia sends her love.

Lydia?

Yeah, he's split up with carol.

Well, that doesn't surprise me.

The way he was Making eyes at myrna,

I knew it wouldn't last.

You're very observant.

What did brad want?

He wanted my Decision and I told him.

Didn't' he get your letter?

I just mailed it.

Well, maybe you didn't Put enough stamps on it.

Please, lisa. I've had all I can stand for one day.

It all started off Peacefully enough.

I went into drucker's Store to buy you a present.

Where is it? I didn't get it.

Why not?

Well, I didn't have time. I got This letter from brad wingate,

And the next thing I know, they're All trying to convince me to stay.

And finally, when I said I would,

All of a sudden They get suspicious.

And they accuse me of everything from Counterfeiting to smuggling wetbacks.

Well, they're your friends.

Some friends.

They're just trying to Get you to go straight.

I am going to go Straight, to a psychiatrist

And get some therapy.

That would be Good for your back.

It's not my back That hurts. It's my...

Come in.

What's wrong with your come-in?

There's nothing wrong with my...

Hi, mr. Douglas.

Mr. Douglas.

Mr. Douglas, these fellers Have something to say to you.

Go ahead, haney.

Uh, mr. Douglas, I'm sorry.

It's my fault that folks Was suspicious of you.

A-and we're sorry Because we listened to him.

Yes, mr. Douglas, we know You didn't do no counterfeitin',

No whiskey-makin', No wetbackin'.

Yeah, we know you're An american backbone

Just like us.

Well, now that we got That cleared up, mr. Douglas,

Would you like to tell us About some of your cases?

Cases?

How many foreign Agents you killed?

Yeah, you killed 'em With a knife or a gun?

Gentlemen, you've found me out.

My real name is not Oliver wendell douglas.

In washington I'm known as 198.

And hortense kalish here

Is known as 37-29-42.

42? I'm not...

Hortense, these gentlemen Have found us out.

We are at your mercy.

A year ago, I bought this Farmhouse for a cover.

Now if you go Blabbering it all over,

Well, you can imagine What might happen to us.

42.

Gentlemen, in the interest Of national security,

I want you to go back home And forget you ever knew us.

Yes, sir.

Oliver, why did you tell them

I have a size 42?

Oh, it was just a number I picked out of the air.

Well, you could have Picked out a smaller number.

Look, hortense, I don't want To have any trouble with you.

Or I'm going to Have you deported.

Look, number 198,

You may be an undercover agent,

But from now on, You'll be sleeping

Under those covers by yourself.

This is 37-24-21 signing off.

Bang the side of Your head, darling.

this has been a filmways Presentation, darling.