All language subtitles for Green Acres - S02E21 - The Computer Age.eng

♪ green acres is
The place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is
The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin'
Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just
Give me that countryside ♪

♪ new york is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a
Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you,
But give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres, we are there ♪

It will work. Oh, no, it won't.

It will. Hank ought to know.

Yes, we've had... Hold it!

Ain't nobody gonna pay no
Attention to what's goin' on

As long as they got
Their names up there.

They finished?

Yeah.

Ok. Well, what were
You sayin', hank?

I was saying it will not work.

You were saying it will work.

When did I say that?

Well, just before the names.

Oh. Well, if that's what I said,

I'll stick with it.

Well, do whatever
You want to with it,

But I still say the whole idea

Ain't worth the powder
It'd take to blow it to...

Morning.
Mornin', mr. Douglas.

Good morning. To
Blow it to what?

To blow it to...
Hi, mr. Douglas.

Hi.

Why don't we ask mr. Douglas?

Why?

Well, he went to college.

That don't mean nothin'. A lot
Of dummies come out of college,

Don't they, mr. Douglas?

Well, I suppose there are...

Even if mr. Douglas
Is a dummy, he'd know,

Wouldn't you, mr. Douglas?

I don't know what
You're talking about.

That's never kept you
From answerin' before.

Fred.

I was telling fred that, uh,

In a few years, it's very likely that
All farming will be run that way.

Don't you agree?

Agree to what?

You see? And he's one of those
Dummies that went to college.

Mr. Douglas, uh, do you know
What this argument's about?

I haven't the faintest idea.

It's about computers.

You know what they are?

Of course he does. The dummy
Went to college, didn't he?

Now, mr. Ziffel, I'm
Getting a little tired of...

You see, according
To the department,

In a few years, all farming
Will be done by computers.

Yes, I've read about that.

About what?

About farming being
Done by computers.

That's just what I was
Saying to mr. Douglas.

Oh. You're mr. Douglas.

Well, anyway,

In the future, all farmers will not
Have to depend upon people like myself

To get information
About farming.

I will be replaced
By a computer.

I'll drink to that.

No longer will you come to
Me and ask: "What shall I plant?"

You'll go to a
Computer and ask him.

Well, it's not a "Him," it's...

It's not a "Her" either.

Well, it could be.

Well, I guess a machine doesn't care
What it is as long as it's well oiled.

I wish I were.

Mr. Douglas, I ask you,

Do you believe it's possible
For one of them computers

To tell us farmers
What to plant?

Yes, it is.

Well, if you believe that,

You're a bigger
Fruitcake than he is.

Mr. Ziffel...

You're sufferin'
From shriveled raisins.

There is nothing
Wrong with my raisins.

I'll drink to that.

The day is coming when
The farmer will depend

On the computer for all sorts
Of answers to his farm questions.

Well, I don't need no
Computer to tell me what to do.

I've got doris.

She, too, can be
Replaced by a computer.

Well, I'll drink to that.

But not to the rest of it.

So fred ziffel and mr. Kimball

Got into this big
Argument about computers.

What's that?

Computers, electronic brains.

Oh, like the kids
Ask santy claus

For christmas?

What?

You know, the choo-choo
With the tracks.

Oh, no, no, you're thinking
Of an electronic train.

Uh, I mean, an electric brain.

Uh, train... Brain...

A computer.

See what I mean?

No, I don't see what you mean?

What about?

A-a-about, uh...

What were we talking about?

I don't know.

Computers, they're
Great big machines

That give you information
On any subject that you...

Where did that come from?

You stupid...

Oh, poor darling.

Well, don't blame me,

You've been asking for it.

I didn't know you were in there.

You got my nail in your head?

Here it is.

Oh, thanks.

You can stop looking.

We fixed the door.

Yeah, it doesn't come
Off the track anymore.

I'll believe that when I see it.

You ready for the test, alf?

Ready.

10, 9, 8, 7...

You don't have to count down,

You're not sending up a rocket.

Now you made us
Forget where we were.

7.

Thank you.

7, 6, 5, 4,

3, 2, 1, blastoff.

How's that?

Wonderful. It didn't
Come off the track.

How could it? The
Whole closet moved.

You don't like it that way?

No, I don't.

I guess there's just no
Pleasing some people.

Come on, let's move it back.

I'll explain it to
You once more.

A computer is like a brain,

Except that it works
Electronically.

You mean not the
Way my brain works.

No, I don't think
There's anything

That works quite like that.

Thank you.

Uh, now, a computer can solve

Complicated
Equations in seconds.

Excuse us.

We're not interrupting
A summit meeting, are we?

No.

Closet door is working.

Good.

Yeah, it falls off
Just like it used to.

What good is that?

Well, you didn't want
The closet to move.

No, I didn't.

Well, you can't have both.

Look, all I want is a closet

That doesn't move and a
Door that doesn't fall off

When you open it.

That's all, he says.

Mr. Douglas,

When I was in the
Closet working,

Just before I bopped
You with the hammer,

You were talking
About computers.

Well, what about them?

Do they really work?

Of course.

Would you lend me $18?

What has that got to do with it?

Lend it to her.

I'm not gonna lend her anything.

Well, then I can't get married.

Is that what you want
The $18 for, a big wedding?

No, it's to find a husband.

In my experience
There are very few

Good $18 husbands.

Mr. Douglas was a $600 job.

What do you mean, I was a $6...

That's how much the dress
Cost that I hooked you with.

You paid $600 for...

Well, there was nothing
To it. It was just a little...

Oh.

I don't want the
Money for a dress.

$18 is what they charge
For cupid's computer.

Cupid's computer?

What is that?

It's kind of a lonely hearts
Club with transistors.

Oh, you mean one of those places

Where they use a
Computer to find you a mate.

Their motto is, "We're
Programmed for love."

Well, who isn't?

But how do they do it?

Well, you see, they give you
This card and you punch out

All the things you know about
Yourself, like your height,

Your weight, your age,
Your likes, your dislikes,

What you're
Looking for in a man,

And then they put it in the computer
With cards of the opposite sex.

Then what happens?

Well, they put all your
Information in the computer

And then when a boy's
Card matches a girl's card,

They get married.

Well, that's all
Right for the cards,

But what about the people?

That's what I meant.
"They" get married.

Just from the cards?

You... You don't have
To drop a handkerchief

Or use special
Perfume or anything?

No.

Well, that isn't
Very romantical.

Lisa, the idea is
To use a computer

To bring 2 compatible
People together.

Sure. And all I need for my
Half of the compatible is $18.

You got it.

Here's $20.

Use the other $2 to
Buy a marriage license.

Mr. Douglas, you're a dreamboat.

Alf, the cheapskate
Lent me the money!

Oh, the...

Oliver, I am surprised at you.

You should have never
Given her the money.

That's no way to
Catch a husband.

Lisa, I did her a favor.

How else is a girl like
That gonna get a husband,

Unless he comes
Out of a machine?

But before there were machines,
There were man and women,

And it worked pretty good
Without punching holes.

Lisa.

There's nothing wrong
With finding a husband or wife

With a computer. It's
All done scientifically.

Love isn't scientifical.

Well, maybe it should be.

Then all a fellow would
Have to do is find some girl

Whose card matched his own
And they could get married.

Wouldn't have to go
Through that nonsense.

What nonsense?

Oh, you know,

Bringing her flowers,
Getting his shoes shined,

Shaving every time
They had a date.

Lying to her father about
How much money he made.

Did you lie to my
Father about that?

How could I? He had
A c.P.A. Audit my books.

My father believed in the
Old-fashioned courtship,

Is all the little things
That made a girl happy.

Like, checking up the
Fellow's bank balance,

And sending out
The engagement ring

To be appraised.

Did he do that with
That ring I gave you?

Yes, you just passed by $3.

$3?

And that was a close
Shave you had there, rodney.

The black 10 on the red jack.

Thank you.

Lisa, you...

What are you doing?

He's playing solitaire.

I know what he's doing.

Why did you ask?

Why aren't you
Working? Ralph left.

Where'd she go?

Where would you
Go if you had $18?

I didn't think she'd go today.

What do you expect from
A love-sick carpenter?

Well, I...

That machine better
Work out for her.

If she punches in
With some creep,

You're going to have
To answer to mom.

It will work. Why won't it work?

Nothing's more
Accurate than a computer.

Banks use them,
Industries uses them,

They even send up
Rockets with them.

Yeah, but finding a husband for
Ralph isn't as easy as any of those.

Oliver, it's not going to work.

It will work.

Would you like to
Make a small bet?

If you and I went through
The same computer together,

We wouldn't come out together.

Would you like to test that?

Yes, I would.

All right.

Here is my $9, where is yours?

Ah, all right, here we are.

Oh, darling, let's not go
In. The whole thing is silly.

It's not silly. Now if I make
My point, you can't back out.

Ooh!

Oh, darling.

You got some kind
Of thing about doors?

Look, ralph... No names,
Please, I'm number 924.

Where's your husband?

He hasn't come out
Of the computer yet.

They have to wait till they
Find a card that matches mine.

Well, while you're waiting,

Would you mind going home
And finishing our bedroom?

Just because I'm into you for
$20 doesn't mean I'm your slave.

Yes, may I help you?

Uh, we would like to be punched.

Punched?

Well, you know, with the cards.

Oh. Well, mr. Blisswell will
Be with you in a few moments.

Uh, while you're waiting,

Why don't you look at some of
The pictures of the happy couples

Who were brought
Together by cupid's computer?

Thank you.

Ah. Well, is that
Your mother there

With the bullfighter?

No. That is not my mother.

Did you want to see me?

Oh. Are you the gentleman
With the computer?

Yes, I'm mr. Blisswell.

I'm oliver douglas.

How do you do? I'm lisa douglas.

I'm pleased to
Meet you. Thank you.

Won't you come in?

Uh, please sit there,
Young lady. Thank you.

And your father
Can sit over there.

I am not her father,
I'm her husband.

I'm afraid, I don't understand.

This is a service
For single people.

I'll try to explain it to you.

My wife doesn't
Think it's possible

For a computer to bring 2
People together, and I do.

Mrs. Douglas, did you notice the
Young lady at the desk when you came in?

Yes, uh, but my husband
Noticed her more.

Well, she happens
To be mrs. Blisswell.

Oh, she's your wife?

Yes, we were brought
Together by a computer.

Well, I don't believe that you can
Find love through electric trains.

Brains. Electronic brai...
Well, electronic bra...

Electronic train...

Well, whatever they
Are, we are here to test it.

I see.

You're from the
Police department?

No.

Better business bureau?

No.

Well, it doesn't
Make any difference.

We're running a highly
Legitimate enterprise here.

And through the
Wonders of science,

We've brought together
Thousands of happy couples.

Couples who otherwise
Would have gone out in life...

Uh, you don't have to
Give us the sales talk.

We're already married.

Uh, all I want to do is run
Through the computer with my wife

To show her that we'll
Come out together.

Now, uh, what do we do first?

You give me $36.

I thought it was $18.

There are 2 of you.

Yes, but we're already married.

Wouldn't we get a
Pre-marital discount?

I mean, a... A... A
Discount for being pre...

I'll write you a check.

Very well. Now, will each of
You fill out one of these forms?

They give us the information
We need for the computer.

We call them
"Cupid's poop sheet."

What is a poop?

A poop is...

Facts about yourself,

Name, age,

Habits, likes,
Dislikes, education...

Oh, could you
Back up to the age?

Do I have to put that down?

Put down whatever
You think is fair.

And the computer is
Programmed to compensate for it.

Oh. Mmm.

Now, uh, please be honest
With all the other answers

So that we can get an accurate
Picture of you for the computer.

Now you see mrs. Blisswell
Is feeding the information

To the computer from the
Forms that you filled out.

You mean she's pooping
Us through the machine?

Yes, that's what she's doing.

And all the data
That you have supplied

Is being digested
By the machine.

And in a matter of seconds, we will
Have an electronic profile of you.

There you are, mrs. Douglas.

That's you.

How do you know it's
Me and not my husband?

Pink, for a girl.

Blue, for a boy.

It doesn't have my name on it.

No, this is a code
Number up here.

Your number is 722,

And yours is 723.

Then it does work.

We came out right
Next to each other.

No, no, those are
Just for our files,

No names, all numbers.

Uh, now then, if you'll,
Uh, just follow me, please?

Now, this is our
Match-and-mate machine.

Now, your card goes in here,

722, along with mr. 723.

Now what happens?

Now we turn on the machine.

Would you care to
Try for 2 out of 3?

Lisa.

We are slots apart.

You must have put
Them in upside down.

Try that again.

Why certainly. I'll make sure that
This thing is operating correctly.

There you are.

You said this machine
Never makes a mistake.

It doesn't.

Well, if it doesn't,
Then we must have.

It was nice knowing you. Bye.

Lisa.

Uh, just a moment, sir.

You owe me $36.

For what? Breaking
Up my marriage?

Lisa.

Lisa. Lisa, lisa, open the door.

I am sorry, 723,

But I can't allow any
Strangers in my bedroom.

I'm not a stranger,
I'm your husband.

Then why didn't we fall
In the same slot together?

I don't know. Will you
Forget that machine?

I thought you believed in them.

Well, I changed my mind.

Well, I changed mine.

According to the
Machines, we're incomputible,

And we pooped out on different
Electronicals. Good night.

Lisa! Lisa!

Well, that's a nice thing.

I come out here to make up with
You and you're trying to hit me.

Oh, no, no, no, lisa, I wasn't
Going to try to hit you.

Good night!

No, lisa. Ooh!

♪

Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas?

Ooh.

Oh, good morning, mr. Haney.

Pepperdink.

What?

Pepperdink.

What are you talking about?

How come you know
The secret sign,

But you don't know the password?

Oh, oh, my nose. I...

Ah! The little
Woman belt you one?

No. I bumped into a door.

Well, that ain't
Original, but I'll accept it.

Mr. Haney, I'm in...

I was drawing
Past here last night

And I heard somebody poundin'
On the bedroom door, yellin',

"Lisa, lisa."

Was that you?

Of course it was me.

Had a little spat, huh?

Well, we...

Come with me, I'm the
Answer to your problems.

Mr. Haney, I haven't
Slept all night.

You will tonight.

We guarantee it.

Haney's apologizing service?

"We make up with your wife."

Mr. Haney, I don't need...

Mr. Douglas, most men are too
Proud to apologize to their wives,

But not me. I do the
Apologizin' for you.

And my fee depends on how
Oily a job the husband requires.

Mr. Haney, I don't...

Now let's take a simple

You-spent-all-evening-looking-at-lottie-haskins-and-

You-didn't-look-at-me-once

Type of husband-wife spat.

Now, for $3, I show up

With this bouquet, which I
Present to the aggrieved wife,

With the following apology:

"Honey, the reason that I was
Looking at lottie instead of you is,

I just couldn't believe that
She's that much uglier than you."

Oh, I can see how that
Would get you off the hook.

'course, that's just
A simple $3 argument.

Now, suppose your wife

Accuses you of
Committin' a $7 offense.

A $7?

A red hair on your lapel.

I show up with flowers,

With candy,

And an irish setter
Which is sheddin'.

And a humble apology for stayin'
Out all night huntin' jackrabbits.

I must remember that one.

Oliver, where
Were you last night?

Care to have me
Answer that for you?

No, I don't.

If it's a blonde hair,

I've got a golden retriever

And a story about havin'
Trouble with a game warden.

You locked the door.
I slept on the sofa.

I unlocked it.

You did?

I was just teasing you.

I am sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

Excuse me, uh, that'll be $6.

For what?

Reconciliation.

Another fightin' couple
Brought together

By the "Haney
Apologizin' company."

Mr. Haney...

Pepperdink.

Huh?

You wouldn't charge a fellow
Lodge member, would you?

Pepperdink.

Darling, hmm.

I like to fight with you,
It's such fun to make up.

Yeah, I guess it is.

You like to kiss me?

Hmm, sure.

Wait a minute.
What's your number?

Will you forget those numbers?

Oh, boy, we're on the road
To another good make-up.

Lisa,

I don't care what
Any computer says.

You and I are made
For each other.

You're the only man for me.

You're sure?

Positive.

Will you excuse me?

I'll mind your seat for you.

Yes? I'm 468.

You're what?

I'm looking for 722.

Oh! That's me.

We slotted out together.

I'm pleased to meet you.

Likewise.

Oh, I... I ho-hope you
Don't like big weddings.

Uh, if you don't mind, 722
Is already married to me.

You mean, you married my number?

Look, mac, I had her
Number long before you did.

Now, if you don't mind...

Just a second. You owe me $18.

What for?

Well, that's what it cost me to go
Through the computer with this false alarm.

Please.

Don't shove. Beat it!

Oh, darling.

Oh.

Goodbye!

Now that shows how
Wrong that machine is.

I would have never married
A fellow who goes around

Punching my husband in the nose.

Thanks.

Now, where were we?

I was about to kiss you.

That's right.

Come in.

Howdy doody. I just came
By to tell you the good news.

I heard from the computer
And I'm getting married.

That's wonderful. Who is he?

They didn't tell me his
Name, just his number.

723.

723? That's my number.

How did you get in the machine?

Well, I... You ought to
Be ashamed of yourself.

A married man slotting
Out with other women.

Look...

Fine thing. I get my
Transistors all charged up

And it turns out to be you.

I'm sorry I disappointed you.

Wait a minute.

Would you ike to meet a nice tall,
Strong fellow with a high number?

Well...

What else do you know about him?

Well, he's got a
Beautiful right cross,

And if you hurry
You can catch him.

Now, where were we?

Oh, yes.

Ooh!

Darling, I'm sorry.

this has been a filmways
Presentation, darling.