Original subtitles

♪ green acres is The place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

♪ new york is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you, But give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres, we are there ♪

Here you are. Get Your christmas trees.

Christmas...

Hey, hey, pooch.

Get outta here.

Christmas trees!

It ain't christmas Without a tree.

Hello, harry. How are you?

Been expectin' you folks.

What'll it be?

A painted pine, sprayed spruce,

Or how about a Freshly flocked fir?

No, I don't...

I like the frocked fir.

Flocked.

Yes, but I like it. Uh, That one, how much is it?

$42.

Forty...

Come on, lisa.

Oh, come on, oliver. We Have to have a christmas tree.

That's not a christmas tree.

Christmas trees are green.

Oh, you want a green one?

Hold it. I don't want It sprayed green.

I mean natural green.

Natural green?

Yes, that's the way they grow.

You're puttin' me on.

What color do you think they Were before you sprayed them?

I don't know. This is the Way they send them to me.

Lisa.

Wait a second.

Is this what you mean?

Yes.

So that's what it is.

I couldn't figure it out.

I thought it was A lousy spray job.

That's a real tree.

Well, what do you know?

How much is that one?

Well, since mr. Douglas Is a real tree lover,

$28.

Well, forget it. I'm not Paying $28 for a spindly...

What's wrong with The frocked one?

Flocked.

Yes, but what's wrong with it?

Well, I'll tell you.

Yeah, tell us.

You don't use a phonied-up Tree for christmas,

You use a real one.

Well, what difference Does it make?

Lisa, which would You rather have,

An artificial diamond Ring or a real diamond?

A real one.

There you are.

Is that what you're going To give me for christmas?

No, I...

A diamond ring. What a present.

I didn't say I was Giving her a diamond.

Well, what are you Going to give me?

Lisa, I was just trying to make a Comparison that you'd understand

Between an artificial Diamond and an artificial tree.

I understand.

Well, good.

How big is the diamond?

Lisa, I am not giving you...

How about $39 for The frocked tree?

Flocked.

We don't want it.

These trees are a Travesty on christmas.

Do you realize that All over the country,

Farmers are going out into their own Fields, chopping down their own trees,

Carrying them back to Their own farmhouses,

While in the kitchen, the Wives are baking the fruitcakes,

Mulling cider,

Stringing their own popcorn.

These people are having a Real old-fashioned christmas.

He's been hitting the Eggnog a little early, isn't he?

Harry, let me tell You something.

One of these christmases, I'm not gonna show up here,

And you're gonna wonder why.

And it'll be because I'm on my own farm,

Chopping down my Own christmas tree.

Here's our christmas tree, lisa.

It's very pretty.

Pretty?

It's beautiful.

And wait till you See it decorated.

Do we have to come Out here to look at it?

Oh, no, no. I'm Gonna cut it down.

Well, won't that hurt it?

How else are we Gonna get a tree?

I could go back to new York to harry and get one.

Harry.

I guess he thought I was kidding

When I said that one of these Christmases, I'd have my own farm,

And cut down my Own christmas tree.

So did I.

Ah, lisa.

This is gonna be the best Christmas we've ever had.

It doesn't feel like christmas.

The radio said it Was 81 degrees.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

It's snowing in new york.

Look...

They're skiing on park avenue.

Listen, we've got a lot To do. I gotta get my axe,

Gotta cut down the tree, carry it Into the house. Then we'll decorate it.

This is going to be the best, Most wonderful christmas, huh?

You're very happy Here, aren't you, darling?

Happiest I've ever been.

Then I ought to get a Pretty good present.

♪ jingle bells, jingle Bells jingle all the ♪

Howdy, mr. Douglas.

How are you, mr. Haney?

I just fine.

I brought over the, uh, present You ordered from me for eb.

I didn't order Anything from you.

You will when you see it.

What does this look like to you?

A necktie.

To the untrained eye, yes.

But to the untrained ear, That's something else, again.

♪

What is that?

The world's first Transistorized necktie.

It's the atwater Kent of cravats.

Oh, for...

If anybody says Your tie's too loud,

You can just tune it down.

♪

That's the silliest Thing I ever heard of.

If you wanna change the station:

now for the weather. The current temperature

outside beaully's car Wash in downtown pixley

is 81 degrees.

the temperature in Chicago is minus 2 degrees.

in schenectady, It's one above zero,

and in new york city, rescue Operations are underway

for 3 skiers who are lost on 58th street and park avenue.

Turn that thing off.

in the country, people are...

If you don't like this,

It also comes in a 4-transistor bow tie,

That resonates Through the adam's apple,

And you use your Mouth as a loudspeaker.

I'm not interested.

Well, I've been selling An awful lot of them.

Did you lose somethin'?

Yes, my axe.

Oh, if you need some firewood...

No, no, I wanna cut Down a christmas tree.

You're puttin' me on.

No, I'm not.

Doggone, you sure Go out of your way

To make folks Think you're addled.

What do you mean?

Mr. Douglas, nobody around Here would anymore think

Of chopping down Their own christmas tree

Than they would of Baking their own fruitcake.

Well, that's their business.

I want an old-fashioned Christmas.

Maybe the heat's got You. You heard my tie.

It's 81 degrees.

Mr. Haney...

Did you know any of them fellas

That got lost on The park avenue?

No.

Ah, there you are.

There.

Now, will you excuse me?

Mr. Douglas, you got The tree picked out?

Yes. It's a beauty. I found it over By the south fence. It's 6 feet high.

And you're gonna chop it down?

That's what I said.

You ought to have a Wonderful christmas.

Well, I hope so.

Yeah, on christmas, the warden Always treats the prisoners real nice.

What is that?

That's where you'll Be spending christmas.

Unless you wanna Pay the $1,000 fine.

What are you talking about?

The state forest Conservation law

That prohibits Chopping down trees.

Mr. Haney,

That tree is mine. It's on my land.

If I wanna chop it down, I'm gonna chop it down.

Mr. Douglas, you know, you ought to Buy one of these transistorized ties.

It'd be a lot of company For you in solitary.

I don't believe There is such a law.

Well, ask anybody. Ask sam drucker.

I'll do just that.

you're listening to a Recital of christmas music,

coming to you directly from the East wing of the new county jailhouse.

Ain't that timely?

Who is there?

It's eb!

Oh, well, you can come In. It isn't your present.

Mrs. Douglas, Mr. Douglas said...

Would you put your Finger here, please?

Mr. Douglas said to tell you He had to go into drucker's.

Boy, was he mad.

Why?

Mr. Haney told him he couldn't Cut down his own christmas tree

Because of some Law or somethin'.

Oh. Well, that'll do it.

Yeah, it sure threw Him into a swivet.

I've never seen him so mad.

His face was red, His ears were red,

His lips were red.

He looked like a Stuck traffic signal.

Why would he want to Chop it down, anyway?

Well, mr. Douglas wants An old-fashioned christmas,

With a home-made christmas tree,

Home-made popcorns...

Oh! Do you remember Where my cooksbook is?

No. Mr. Douglas hid it.

Well, why would he do that for?

I'd rather not say.

Oh, that reason again.

How can I make an old-fashioned Fruitscake if I don't have a cooksbook?

Maybe mrs. Ziffel Could help you.

Yes, she may.

Wait, what about my finger?

Give it a yank.

♪

Now you turned on Mr. Douglas' necktie.

Well, I...

Now, we've got to Unwrap the whole thing.

You just take the branches

And you stick them In like this. See?

Mmm.

Well, I don't know, sam.

Mr. Drucker. Oh, Hello, mr. Ziffel.

Ah, mr. Douglas,

What do you like better, this kind Of tree, or the old-fashioned kind?

Oh, the old-fashioned.

Fred, I told you I don't carry Those aluminum trees anymore.

Aluminum?

Oh, they was the greatest.

The branches were hinged.

You could fold up the tree From christmas to christmas.

Uh, mr. Drucker...

Fred, why are you so stubborn About this plastic tree?

It's better than any Aluminum tree I ever carried.

It's got more features.

Uh, such as what?

Mr. Drucker...

Just squeeze that Bulb at the bottom.

Uh, my...

I can't bend. My Stooper's a little stiff.

Mr. Douglas, how's your stooper?

Would you mind?

Hey, what's that?

That is genuine spruce spray.

One squirt of that will Pine your room for hours.

You ever see an Aluminum tree do that?

Well, no, but, uh...

Now, look here.

Notice these holes Along the trunk?

These holes are Automatic oozers.

They ooze imitation sap.

They stick you up just As good as the real stuff.

What do you think, mr. Douglas?

Oh, I don't, uh...

With the custom deluxe model,

You get this pound bag Of plastic pine needles.

You just spread 'em on the Carpet around the base of the tree,

And they'll clog up your Vacuum better than the real thing.

Well, ok, sam, I'll take it.

Fine. How about You, mr. Douglas?

You want one? I Got a couple left.

Please, no. No, thank you.

Ain't... Ain't you Gonna have a tree?

Yes, I'm gonna chop down my own.

Oh, you're puttin' us on.

No, I'm not.

Oh, doggone it, mr. Douglas,

Just at the time that I thought You was gettin' to be one of us,

You turn city.

I'm not turning city.

I never chopped a Tree down in new york.

Then, what do you Want to start now for?

Because I want an Old-fashioned christmas,

With a real tree that I can Decorate with strings of popcorn...

Pop... That reminds me. You got any popcorn?

Uh, mr. Drucker, I...

Ain't that beautiful, Mr. Douglas?

How many yards you want?

Give me about 2 yards, sam.

This is made out of wax.

You want artificial Butter for it?

Mr. Ziffel, surely you're Not gonna use wax popcorn.

Why not?

You might just as well Use plastic candy canes.

They're fiberglass.

Fiberglass?

Those stripes are waterproof.

You can suck on 'em from One christmas to the next,

And they'll look Just as good as new.

You suck on them, not me.

Gentlemen, I'm surprised at you.

The american farmer Didn't get where he is today

By celebrating christmas With... With phony trees,

Wax popcorn, Plastic candy canes.

Gentlemen,

To the american Farmer, christmas is real.

He goes out with axe in hand,

Chops down his own tree,

Brings it back, garlands It with strings of popcorn

From his own corn crib.

Makes cider from His own apple trees.

And when the christmas Carols ring out,

In the still of the night

He looks up at The sky and he says:

"I'm proud to be an american Farmer on christmas."

Mr. Douglas,

You didn't have anything to do with sam Not carrying them aluminum trees, did you?

No, I didn't.

Mmm-hmm.

You just come over here to stir up Some general kind of trouble, is that it?

Yes, I...

No.

I came in here to Find out if it's true

That there's a conservation Law that'll prevent me

From chopping down my Own tree on my own land.

I don't know.

Me either.

Well, who would know?

You might ask hank kimball.

Mr. Kimball.

Oh, mr. Douglas, uh, Sit down, sit down.

Thank you.

I was, uh, just giving the Office a holiday feeling.

We decorate for All legal holidays,

Uh, christmas, new Year's, valentine's day,

Abraham clodwell's birthday.

Abe clodwell. Very Interesting man.

He's a sort of a patron Saint of the county agent.

Designed our official uniform.

Well, he didn't design it.

He wrote all those Nasty letters to congress

To get them to put Pockets in our pants.

Well, bully for clodwell.

You know the song?

What song?

bully for clodwell.

We open all our county Agent conventions with it.

♪ bully for clodwell, The man of the people ♪

♪

Mr. Kimball, please, I need your help.

I want to know if I can Cut down a christmas tree.

You're putting me on.

No, I'm not.

Nobody cuts down their Own christmas tree anymore.

They buy plastic ones.

Boy, they're really great.

They, uh, spray spruce juice,

Ooze imitation sap, uh, Shed plastic pine needles.

Boy, you never saw Such an artificial mess!

If I have a mess, I Want a real one.

Now, is there any reason I Can't cut down my own tree?

Yes, there is.

There's a conservation Law against it.

Nobody in this state can cut down A christmas tree without a permit.

You can get one from Your county agent.

I have his address Around here someplace.

Mr. Kimball, you're My county agent.

Oh, I guess I am.

We both have the same address.

Will you stop beating Around the bush

And give me my permit?

Yes, sir.

You want a bush-beating permit.

No, I want a Tree-chopping permit.

Oh.

One tree-chopping Permit, coming up.

There we are.

Thank you very much.

And a happy clodwell's Birthday to you.

Yes, sir.

Clodwell's birthday?

I thought it was christmas.

Ain't that hotcake batter?

Yes.

I thought you were Making a fruitcake.

Mrs. Ziffel's recipe Says to use batter,

And this is the only Kind I know how to make.

You sure get a lot of mileage Out of your hotcake batter.

You make hotcake Goulash out of it,

Hotcake hamburgers,

Hotcake fishcakes.

Last but not the least,

Hotcake sink stoppers.

Is that one of my hotcakes?

Yes, ma'am. Mr. Douglas Glued this handle on it

With some of your coffee.

Well!

He didn't mean no harm.

He was just showing me That they're waterproof.

Would you dry The fruits, please?

Yes, ma'am.

What am I doing this for?

Well, mrs. Ziffel said To use dried fruits,

And how can you Dry it unless it's wet?

This ok?

Ain't you gonna cut that up?

What for? It fits.

Lisa, I've cut the tree.

Oh, I've got to hide this.

I don't want Mr. Douglas to see it.

Kinda wish I hadn't.

Here are the Lights, mr. Douglas.

Do you want this On top of the tree?

No. Untangle the wires.

It sure looks pretty this way.

Untangle the wires.

Yes, sir.

Eb, what are you doing?

Untangling the wires.

What for? That goes On the top of the tree.

No, it doesn't.

Well, you put it There last year.

I did not.

I did?

Those eggnogs really hit You between the eyes, charlie.

Untangle the wires.

What should I do with the Corns I strung for you?

Lisa, you're supposed to take the Kernels off the cob and string them.

Well, don't blame me. I never did it before.

In the old country, we Used to string caviar.

Caviar?

We have caviar on one string And crackers on the other.

Oh, for...

Then we'd play the Hungarian christmas game

Called "Smear the Crackers with caviar."

Lisa,

Just string the corn.

Ha, look at that.

Arnold don't like it.

Well, he will when he gets A whiff of this spruce spray.

Now look what you've done.

I never saw such a chicken pig.

Arnold!

Look, there ain't Nothing to be scared of.

Squeeze some spruce yourself.

See that? It won't hurt you.

Arnold, get your snout Out of those oozers.

You're getting all Imitation-sapped.

Oh, doris.

Fred, it's a shame.

Arnold's almost 3 years old and He's never seen a real christmas tree.

Well, that don't Make no difference.

It does so. I think Mr. Douglas has the right idea,

Having an Old-fashioned christmas.

Fake tree.

Oh, doris, I don't know why You're carrying on like this.

Mrs. Douglas came Over here this afternoon

And wanted to know How to make a fruit cake.

It's been so long since I made One, I had to look up the recipe.

Is she gonna make a Fruitcake for mr. Douglas?

She sure is.

Doris, that could make you An accessory to manslaughter.

Fred, if city folks can put themselves Out to have an old fashioned christmas,

I don't see why we can't.

Oh, doris...

We owe it to arnold.

Arnold. I believe you think More of that pig than you do me.

Remember, you're The one that said it.

Lisa, we're ready To light the tree.

Wait a minute. I've got the corn.

What's that?

You told me to take The kernels off, so I did.

Yeah, you take the kernels off,

And then you pop them And string them together.

You want me to String you some caviar?

No, just light up the Tree. Eb, light up the tree.

Yes, sir.

Now, is that pretty?

Oh, it's beautiful, darling.

It'll look better with My present under it.

Whatever that's gonna be.

Eb!

Now, who's that?

Oh, the ziffels.

Merry christmas! Merry christmas!

Merry christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry christmas.

Mr. Douglas, we just come over

'cause arnold's never seen a real Christmas tree in his whole life.

No!

Go on, arnold. Take a Look at it. That's right.

Arnold, get away from there.

What's he trying to do?

Oh, he thinks all Trees are squirters.

I hope you're proud Of yourself, fred.

Oh, doris.

Gosh, it is beautiful.

You're right, mr. Douglas,

There's something about An old-fashioned christmas.

Ah, mr. Drucker, mr. Kimball.

Merry christmas, everybody

Uh, it's a sort of An official visit.

When you left my Office the other day,

You wished a happy Clodwell's birthday

And I wanted to be sure You knew it was christmas.

I was just kidding.

Oh, I wish I'd known that before I took Down all my christmas decorations.

Oh, tell the truth, hank.

About what?

Well, uh, me and Hank being bachelors,

We always spend Christmas eve together,

And we were sitting There in the store,

Staring at that Plastic christmas tree

Squirting spruce Juice all over the place,

And we got to thinking About what you said

About an old-fashioned Christmas and, uh,

Well, we thought we'd come By and look at your tree.

You can look all you want.

Mr. Ziffel, notice where Your wife's standing?

Under the mistletoe.

Why don't you mind Your own business?

Oh, go ahead, mr. Ziffel, Why don't you kiss her?

Yeah, mr. Ziffel, Go ahead, go ahead.

Pucker up, woman.

Ooh! Doggone it, fred. Ha!

You still got a lot of Valentino left in you yet.

Gee, this is like the Christmas eves I used to have

When I was a little boy.

With all the neighbors Coming over and everything.

Hey, mr. Douglas, how about Singing us a christmas song?

Oh, I, uh...

Oh, come on, mr. Douglas,

Come on. No.

'cause I don't know Where my guitar is.

Here it is.

Now where did you get that?

Right behind the chair Where you stashed it

In case anybody Asked you to sing.

You people don't Want to sit around

Listening to me Sing all evening.

We ain't got nothing else to do.

Yeah, we got all evening.

Go on, mr. Douglas. Nothing can drive us out.

Surprise, surprise!

Old-fashioned Fruitscake, I baked myself.

I just remembered, I've got to go home.

Me, too.

I left my oozers on.

Merry christmas!

Happy new year!

Merry christmas, everybody.

Come on, doris.

I've got to go Wrap a few things.

Goodbye.

Well, that wasn't very Old-fashioned of them.

No, it wasn't.

Well, at least You are still here.

Yeah, but, uh, will I Be here tomorrow?

Oliver, christmas eve is no Time to start an argument.

Shh. I know. I was just teasing.

You know, there's only one thing That would make my christmas complete.

What's that? Snow.

Snow!

What are you yelling about?

There it is.

How could that...

Why, it was 81 degrees today!

Well, isn't christmastime For miracles?

Yeah, but, you...

We're wasting a perfectly Good piece of mistletoe.

Oh, yeah.

Well, merry christmas.

Merry christmas, darling.

City folks sure are peculiar.

Imagine a wife Givin' her husband

A bag of soap flakes For a christmas present.

this has been a filmways Presentation, darling.