Original subtitles

♪ green acres is The place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

♪ new york is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you, But give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres, we are there ♪

Good morning, darling.

Good morning.

What are you hitting The toaster for?

The toast won't go down.

5.

5?

Lisa, what...

That's the number you've got to Say if you want to make toast: 5.

Come on, that's impossible.

Just because you say 5...

You'll never get your Toast done that way. 5.

How many eggs do you Want for breakfast? 3?

2.

You got to watch that.

3 and 2 is 5.

I don't believe it.

How do you want your eggs,

Fried or scrabbled?

Uh, scrambled.

I don't know how to do that.

Your toast is burning. 5.

Oh!

What's that?

An egg.

A square egg?

One of the girls must Have a square egg-maker.

Lisa,

I'm having trouble enough believing A toaster that works when you say 5,

Bu-but a square Egg, that's ridiculous.

Well, you're the one who Wanted to live on a farm.

What's that got to do with it?

Morning.

Hey, somebody's Toast is burning.

5.

Ain't that a square egg?

Oh, yeah.

How'd you do it, mr. Douglas?

No, I didn't do it. Somebody's Playing a joke on us.

They planted the egg.

I didn't know you Could plant eggs.

No, I didn't mean that. Uh, n-no, this is a phony.

Yeah. There's nothing Inside of it but, uh...

A yolk!

How'd you do that?

Put a round egg In a square shell?

I didn't do it.

It's real!

Uh, oh, why, it couldn't be.

Why not?

One of the chickens Must have made a mistake.

A mistake?

Well, they're only human.

Somebody's pulling Your leg, newt.

Yeah, newt, there ain't no Such thing as a talking turkey.

Well, perky dillon's got one.

Did you hear him talk?

Yup.

That's impossible.

You heard the Expression "Talk turkey"?

So perky's does.

What did he say?

Who, perky or the turkey?

The turkey.

Clear as anything, he Said, "Good morning."

Good morning.

There, he said it again.

Oh, that was mr. Douglas.

Huh?

Newt thought you Were a talkin' turkey.

A talking...

There's no such thing.

There ain't no such Thing as a square egg,

But you got one.

How did you find out ab...

Oh, you can't keep a thing Like that a secret, mr. Douglas.

How'd you do it?

I didn't do it, one Of my hens did it.

Which one?

I didn't ask her.

Maybe we can get perky's Turkey to question them.

Uh, mr. Drucker, uh, do you Carry electric toasters?

I thought you had one.

Well, I have, but it's not working Right. The bread doesn't go down.

You try saying 3 to it?

Maybe he's got an 8.

No I've got a 5.

Never heard of a 5.

Ah, must be a Discontinued model.

Yeah, yeah, all the Newer models start with 8.

Except 29b, that Works on 7 and a half.

7 and a...

Does the bread go up and Down when you say 5 to it?

Yes, but...

I thought you said it Wasn't working right?

Well, when I first bought It, you... You put the bread in,

It goes down, it gets Toasted, and then it comes up.

Without saying anything?

That's right.

Well, you ought to Have brought it in then.

That's when it Wasn't working right.

If you don't like 5, mr. Douglas, Why don't you bring it in?

Maybe I can tinker it in To some other number.

No, 5 is, uh...

Would...

I'll see you later.

Hi. Hello, darling.

Did you get the new toaster?

No, I didn't get one. Mr. Drucker said That there's nothing wrong with this one.

It's just a discontinued model.

They no longer make a 5.

You can be replaced With a 7 and a half.

What is a 7 and a half?

I don't know, it's Something mr. Drucker...

Does it do anything That you can't do with a 5?

I'm warning you.

I just can't understand it, I...

It must be something They put in the electricity.

Maybe they florigate it.

Fluoridate. Uh, no, that's What they do with water.

Then what do they Do with electrissical?

I don't know, I Can't explain it.

Maybe you can explain this.

Explain what?

Mmm!

Chocolate malted.

I know, I just got It out of eleanor.

What? Not only that.

I got a pail of strawberry From her, one of boysenberry,

And one of pistachio.

Different flavors from each tap.

Had you going, didn't I?

Very funny.

Some practical joke.

Why would eleanor Play a practitioner's joke?

Not eleanor, eb.

Did you put that Square egg out there?

No, sir.

Eb, no hen lays a square egg.

No, they lay 3 of them.

Oh, that's impossible.

Don't tell me, Tell whoever did it.

Do you have any idea Which hen laid these eggs.

It could be anyone of 6.

Oh, you got a new toaster.

No, it's the same old one.

It's gone berserk, it's Clicking on all numbers.

I'm not surprised.

The way you yelled at it, It doesn't know what it is.

Lisa, which hen do you Think laid the eggs?

I don't know.

Well, it shouldn't be Too hard to find out.

All we gotta do is look For a square chicken.

Ok, you guys, line up.

Which one of you Laid the square egg?

Well, you're not going To find out that way.

How are you gonna find out?

Well, uh...

How about giving 'em A lie detector test?

Yeah.

How about putting one Of the square eggs down,

And then see Which hen sits on it.

How do you know that the Hen that laid it is gonna sit on it?

Mother instinct.

Oh?

Well, it's worth a try.

Ah, lisa.

Yes, darling?

Uh, bring out a Square egg, will you?

Uh, which one?

Any one.

Should I tell them What we're gonna do?

Look, you're not... No, I guess not.

It might put 'em on their guard.

Here they are.

I broke them.

Up you go.

Well, what did you Want them for, anyhow?

Well, we thought whoever Laid it might sit on 'em.

Well, they wouldn't sit On it now, it's too messy.

Yeah. She'll lay another one.

Who will?

The one who laid these.

And what if she doesn't?

But she did!

What?

The square-egg Layer has struck again.

Did you see who did it?

No, but I'll bet it's her.

She has a smug look on her beak.

If we could separate them.

We could put them in Those old cages in the barn.

We are not going to Put my girls in any cages.

Oh, come on, it's Not gonna hurt them.

You see anything, eb?

Nothing yet.

What are you doing?

I'm watching the chickens.

What for?

To see which one is Laying the square egg.

Oh, boy.

Mr. Douglas,

You didn't fall off anything Today and hit your head?

How about yesterday?

I haven't fallen off anything And hit my head in weeks.

But you're seeing square eggs?

That's what I said.

Seen any square watermelons?

No.

How about flying saucers?

No.

Just square eggs?

Yes.

When did you start Drinking again?

Mr. Kimball...

Mr. Douglas, emily Just laid an egg.

Excuse me.

Oh, it's round.

That's a shame.

Mr. Kimball,

One of these chickens Is laying square eggs.

Mr. Douglas, that's impossible.

Well, it's not impossible.

Yes, it is impossible.

Would you like to see one?

One what?

A square egg.

So you're still on that kick?

I'll show you one.

Eb.

Keep an eye on things, will you?

Don't worry, I... I...

You stupid...

Mr. Douglas,

How long after eb started Dropping things on your head

Did you start seeing These, uh, square eggs?

This is the first time eb ever Dropped anything on my head.

And you haven't Started drinking?

Mr. Kimball, you come with Me, I'll show you a square egg.

Now do you believe it?

That doesn't prove anything.

What?

That's a round egg In a square shell.

Square shell?

Mr. Douglas, the chicken that laid That egg has a fortune in her hands.

Well, not in her hands.

What do you mean, a fortune?

Well, old ned moody, over at The chicken breeders' association,

Has been trying to breed a chicken That would lay square eggs for years.

And he said it'd, uh, Revolutionize the egg business.

Well, it wouldn't Do easter any good.

Easter?

Well, you couldn't roll a square Egg on the president's lawn.

You'd have an Easter egg schlide.

Lisa...

Uh, what were you saying?

I was saying you'll have An easter egg schlide.

No, not you, you.

An easter egg schlide Is all right with me.

No, no, what were you Saying about mr. Moody?

Oh, that crackpot? Do you Know what he's been trying to do?

Breed a chicken that Would lay a square egg.

And we know there's No such thing as a...

Where'd that come from? Oh, that's What you wanted to see mr. Moody about.

No, I didn't want To see mr. Moody.

Then why do you keep Mentioning his name?

You keep mentioning his name!

Any idea why?

Oh, yeah. He'd be very Interested in this.

Probably offer you a lot of Money for the chicken that laid it.

If it isn't a gag.

No, no, it isn't a gag.

Yeah, I bet it's made Out of nutty putty.

Well, there's nothing Nutty about that putty.

It's all egg.

Well, uh, so long.

Sorry, I...

I'll have mr. Moody drop by.

He broke the egg.

Oh, there, don't worry, You'll get another one.

Nothing, nothing, Nothing, nothing.

Uh, would you mind standing up?

Come on, come on, up On your feet, up, up.

That is no way to Talk to a nice chicken.

Henrietta, would You please stand up?

Thank you.

Nothing.

No eggs, not even a round one.

I'm not surprised.

How can you expect them to lay Eggs when they're all copped up?

Cooped up.

Would you lay an egg Under those circumstances?

I wouldn't lay an egg Under any circumstances.

You only say that because You are not a chicken.

She's got to lay eggs. What Else can she do with them?

Well there's no use Keeping them cooped up.

Copped up.

I'm going to let them out.

Might as well. You Stupid chickens.

Come on, henrietta.

Uh, come on, girls.

Stretch your drumsticks.

Come on, darling. Emily.

There you are. Come On. Out, out, out.

I might as well take These cages out.

Look, another one.

I knew my girls Won't let you down.

Now, which one was in this cage?

The one that laid The square egg.

I know, but which one?

Which one of you, uh...

Oh, you miserable...

Oliver!

This is the most frustrating...

What are you trying To do, keep it a secret?

You know the old saying:

"You can lead a horse over the Water but you can't make him think."

You lead a...

Oh, lisa.

Oh, mr. Haney.

Well, howdy, mr. Douglas.

There you are.

$10? What's that for?

Mr. Douglas, you can say What you want about me.

But I ain't one to Defraud a neighbor.

What?

Now if you'll just help me Get them chickens on my truck...

What chickens?

Them inferiors I sold you.

Oh, when I think of What they've done,

I feel like a pink possum In a dry goods store.

A pink... What does that mean?

It means I'm giving You back your $10.

Now if you'll just give me a Hand in rounding up them hens...

Oh, no, no. No, thanks, And here's your $10...

I can't take it, Mr. Douglas, no, sir.

I sold you them Chickens in good faith,

And if they are Laying distorted eggs,

That ain't good faith.

Oh, you heard about The square egg.

Square egg?

Oh, mr. Douglas, I'm doubly sorry.

You keep the $10, and I'll give you another $5

For the grief and shame That they've caused you.

Any chicken that would Sink to laying a square egg

Ought to be plucked And fricasseed.

Now, if you just Point out the culprit,

Well, I'll be glad to attend To the sordid details.

Uh, you didn't happen to hear that that Chicken might be very valuable, did you?

Now, who told you That, perky's turkey?

Mr. Kimball.

Well, that's just his opinion.

Any square-egg-laying Chicken is worthless.

And I'll give you $20 for it.

I'm, uh, very grateful for your Generosity, but I'm not interested.

You got any idea Which one of the hens

Is putting out the Eccentric eggs?

No, I haven't.

Would you like to find out?

Yes, I would.

Well, then maybe we should Take them all over to my place.

What for?

No charge.

No thanks.

Mr. Douglas, I've got Some wonderful results

From my watching service.

Would you care to hear a Letter from a grateful customer?

Mr. Haney, I'm not...

"Dear mr. Haney,

"I want to thank you for The wonderful service.

"Without your help, I Never would have found out

Which one of my chickens Was laying the duck eggs."

Oh, come on.

Now, I've got another One from his brother,

Whose duck was Laying chicken eggs.

Mr. Haney, goodbye.

Would you like to buy a Slightly used number 3 toaster?

No thanks, I've got a number 5.

Oh, fellow that sold me this Truck said it had a number 2 hood.

Now, why don't you return it To him and get your money back?

I think I will.

7.

Come in.

Morning.

My name is, uh...

Uh, would you like to Have some breakfast? Huh?

Coffee and toast.

Well, I...

5.

Lisa, did you...

Oh, uh, how do you do?

Mr. Douglas? Yes.

My name is moody.

Mr. Moody, yes, you are the gentleman That mr. Kimball told me about.

That's right, from the Chicken breeders' association.

Mr. Kimball tells me that You've got a chicken that...

He's not pulling My leg now, is he?

Pulling your leg.

Wait and see.

There you are.

How do you like your Toast, mr. Moody?

Huh?

5.

It isn't ready yet, I'll 5 it some more.

What's shaking you up, The toaster or the egg?

The egg.

Good.

And the toaster.

Well, which one do You want to talk about?

The egg. Now, is this real?

It certainly is.

It came right from The horse's mouth.

The horse's mouth?

What she means is that One of our chickens laid it.

That's fantastic.

Yeah.

Now, you sure That it... It... It's...

Here. Break it and see.

Well, I'll be.

You want me to Scrabble it for you?

Scrabble?

Yes, you could have It with your toast.

5.

Is that browned enough?

Now, mr. Douglas, uh, Could I see these chickens?

Sure, they're just outside.

Here, put that away. Follow me.

Very nice to meet you, mrs. 5.

Douglas.

Mr. Douglas.

Hold it.

Another one.

Mr. Douglas, mr. Kimball Probably told you

We've been trying to develop Something like this for years.

I don't know that you can Develop something like that.

Maybe it's just a Freak of nature.

There's just a chance that by Hatching some of these eggs

And cross-breeding, we Might be able to produce

A whole strain of Square-egg layers.

Which chicken is it?

That's the hitch, we don't Know, it's one of these.

I'll make a deal with you.

You let me take the whole flock And we'll find out which one it is.

Now I'll give you $1,000 As evidence of good faith.

Plus a quarter of a cent For every chick we hatch,

Providing we're Successful in the breeding.

Have you got a check?

Yup. I got a pen.

You got a deal.

You made a deal.

How could you sell my friends?

Lisa, this is a farm, we Don't have any friends.

I mean, we're in Business to make money.

Spoken like a true Arnold benedict.

Benedict arnold.

What did he do?

He was a traitor.

That's what you are, You arnold benedict.

Lisa, they were only chickens.

To you they are chickens,

To me they were harriet, And henrietta, and alice.

I'll buy you a whole new flock.

Don't bother. If I can't have Them, I don't want any of you.

Lisa.

Lisa.

Go away.

I can't get the toaster to 5.

Oh, you lost another friend.

Now, come on. You've been mooning For days over those stupid chickens.

And I want to keep mooning.

Mr. Douglas.

Mr. Moody just drove up.

Oh, I wonder what he wa...

Alice! Henrietta!

Be careful with alice.

Watch henrietta, She's got a big beak.

Mr. Moody, did you find Out which one laid the, uh...

None of them.

You mean that they...

Not one square egg.

And to think that I could fall for The old "Salting the gold mine" bit.

How did you make Those square eggs?

I didn't.

I should've known something was wrong When I saw that phony 5 toaster you rigged.

It wasn't rigged.

I'd like my money back.

You can have it.

I've got it.

I've already stopped Payment on your check.

Well, of all the...

Oliver. What?

Ooh, who did that?

I don't know.

Oh, now mr. Moody said that...

And here they...

I don't understand it.

Well, that's very simple.

The girls didn't know mr. Moody.

What's that got to do with it?

Well, there are things You would do for friends,

You wouldn't do for strangers.

Oh. Well...

Aren't you glad the Girls are at home?

Yeah, yeah.

What time is dinner?

6.

Well, good morning.

Good morning, darling.

You want some toast?

Yes, I'll make it.

5.

5.

Who are you talking to?

The toaster.

What for?

To make the bread go down.

This is the way it goes down.

But it always went Down when you said...

You remember the expression On mr. Moody's face when you...

Who's mr. Moody?

The man who took our chickens.

Nobody took our chickens.

Darling, do you feel all right?

Oh, I...

You didn't sleep very well, I Thought you had a nightmare.

Nightmare?

Mmm-hmm.

No, I don't remember...

Would you like to Have some eggs?

Eggs? Eggs! Yes, eggs.

Here, I'll get them.

What are you looking for?

A square egg.

We had a whole Bowlful here yesterday.

Boy, that must have Been some dream.

Dream? But it was so real.

5.

Where're you going?

I'm going back to bed.

If that's a dream, I Want to see how it ends.

Yelling numbers to toasters.

Mable!

this has been a filmways Presentation, darling.