Original subtitles

♪ green acres is The place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

♪ new york is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you, But give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye city life ♪

♪ green acres, we are there ♪

♪

Lisa.

Uh, yes, darling?

Did you take my speech Out of my pocket?

What speech?

The one I'm supposed To deliver tonight

To the hooterville Chamber of commerce.

It's 3 or 4 pages, typewritten.

Oh, that one is in Your other suit.

The one I sent to the cleaners.

With the speech in it?

I didn't know what it was. And you Always send notes to the cleaner, saying:

"No starch, please."

Well, why...

You don't put starch in suits.

Those malletheads might.

Malletheads?

Well, that's what You called them

When they put starch In your underwear.

Are you still sending our Stuff to those malletheads?

What do you have to Make the speech about?

It's an acceptance speech Thanking them for inviting me

To join the hooterville Chamber of commerce.

Oh, I love to hear It. Could I come too?

No wives.

Oh. It's that kind Of a chambers.

No, it's just a meeting of The hooterville businessmen.

Well, have a good time, And make a good speech.

Meetin' of the hooterville chamber Of commerce will come to order.

Tonight we welcome a new Member to our organization:

Mr. Oliver wendell douglas.

Thank you, thank you.

I, uh, I had a speech written,

Telling you how much I Appreciate this honor,

But my wife sent it to the Cleaners in my grey suit, and, uh...

I read it, it wasn't very much.

Who are you?

I'm your mallethead cleaner.

Oh, well...

None of our other customers Mind starch in their underwear.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, we ain't Here to discuss starch in underwear.

We're hereto discuss Ways and means

Of bringin' outside Money into hooterville.

So I now turn this meetin' over

To the chairman of our "Bringin' Outside money in" committee,

Mr. Haney.

Thank you, thank you. Oh, Before I get to my report,

I would like to present to Our new member, mr. Douglas,

This genuine silver-plated Chamber belt buckle.

Oh.

Say, thank you very much.

That'll be $5.

$5?

Now, of course, you'll also Want the matchin' $2 tie clasp

With the chamber seal on it.

No, I don't.

Well, how about the, Uh, chamber nail file

With a 3-color picture of Hooterville on the handle?

Haney, you can sell him the Official paraphernalia later.

Get on with your report.

Well, as you remember, At the last meetin'

Several suggestions was made

For, uh, bringin' new Enterprise into hooterville.

Now, I regret to report, on the First one I struck out completely.

Which one was that?

The hooterville world's fair.

Doggone it. I thought sure The world would go for that.

So did I.

I wrote to 8 different countries

And never got an Answer from one of 'em.

Did you fellows seriously think

You could get a world's fair To come here to hooterville?

Mr. Douglas, you Got a belt buckle?

No. Well then, Would you sit down?

Sorry, no speeches Without a belt buckle.

Now, havin' had no success With the first suggestion

Of the hooterville world's fair,

I proceeded to act

On the 2nd suggestion Of the chamber.

Well, did you have any luck?

No, we ain't gettin' The olympics either.

The olympics?

Look, the... The... The world's Fair was ridiculous enough,

But the olympics?

If you're serious About raising money...

Uh, mr. Douglas, if You want the floor,

Just wave your Official tie clasp

I don't have an Official tie clasp.

Then sit down.

Well,

Guess we'll have to think up Some new money-makin' ideas.

You wavin' your tie clasp, newt?

Yeah, my brother-in-law,

The... The one that Lives in kansas,

He... He wrote and said that they made A hollywood movin' picture in his town,

And they used everybody In town in the picture.

And they sure made An awful lot of money.

Why don't we do that?

Somebody care to put That in the form of a motion?

Well, now, I... I Motion that, uh...

We have a hollywood movin' picture Made right here in hooterville.

I 2nd the motion.

All in favor?

Aye.

It's unanimous.

Oh, now wait a minute. No, it's Not unanim... I didn't vote for it.

You got an official 3-color nail file?

No!

Well then, your Vote don't count.

Milk in a martini glass?

A-all the other glasses Are in the dishwasher.

Oh.

You want an onion Or an olive in it?

Just straight.

I can't understand these people.

They want to bring money Into town, that's fine.

But these wild schemes.

You know what they Voted to do tonight?

To have a hollywood motion picture Company come here to do a movie.

That would be very nice.

Who will be in it?

There's not gonna Be any picture.

Just because haney wrote a letter To hollywood "To whom it may concern."

Oh, is mr. Concern In hollywood now?

What?

Isn't he the fellow You always write to

At the department of Agricultures in washington?

The one who never answers you?

No, that's a Different mr. Concern.

Well, haney's got about as much Chance of hearing from hollywood

As I have of hearing From washington.

Well, maybe if you wouldn't Write those nasty letters

Calling them malletheads...

That's what I call the cleaner.

Oh, that's right, Washington is lumpheads.

I've got to do something To get some action.

Nothing on this Farm grows right.

Maybe you're the lumphead.

I have read the directions in Every one of these pamphlets.

And yet my soybeans Won't grow right,

My corn is small, my Wheat's moth-eaten...

You want a paper and pencil?

What for?

Well, whenever you Start talking like this,

It always ends up with Another lumpheads letter.

"Dear chowderheads,"

"Chowderheads"?

Or meatheads, Lumpheads, beanheads.

He has a very good Command of the language.

But why bring This to me, melvin?

Well, jim, for a long Time you've been talking

About making a department film

Showing the hazards City people encounter

When they buy a farm.

And their chance of Failure due to inexperience.

And I think this mr. Douglas

Would be a perfect Subject for a film study.

You think he'd cooperate?

Well, that should be easy Enough to find out. Call him.

This is jim stewart.

I'd like to make a Long distance call.

Charge it to the Motion picture division.

I'd like to speak to Mr. Oliver wendell douglas

In, uh, hooterville.

Oh. Mr. Douglas doesn't answer?

Is there any other place You might reach him?

Drucker's store? Would you try him there?

Oh. Get that, would you, doris?

Hello, drucker's store. Sam's Playin' checkers. Call back later.

Operator, I... I was cut off.

May I get that Number back, please?

Drucker's store, sam's Playin' checkers. Call back...

hold it!

Look, I'm calling long distance.

Oh, well you'll have to Dial operator for that.

Who is that?

Some fellow doesn't Know how to use the phone.

I know how to use the phone.

Oh. He says he knows How to use the phone.

Hello, this is sam Drucker. Who is this?

My name is stewart.

Jim stewart. I'm with The motion picture...

Well listen, mister...

D-did you say th-the Motion-picture jim stewart?

Well, yes, but I...

It's jimmy stewart, the motion picture Star. He must've got haney's letter.

Ooh, here, let me talk to him.

Hello?

Look, mr. Drucker, I...

No, this is doris ziffel.

Mr. Stewart, I'm one Of your biggest fans.

You sure are.

How would you like A belt in the kisser?

No, not you, mr. Stewart.

Give me that.

Is there anything I Can do for you, jimmy?

Now, what could you Do for jimmy stewart?

Wait till I get you home.

Oh, no, not you, mr. Stewart.

Mrs. Ziffel, I...

No, this is sam drucker.

Here, let me talk to him.

Hello?

Mr. Drucker? No, This is fred ziffel.

are you callin' about Makin' a picture here?

Yes, but I wanted...

He's callin' about Makin' a picture here.

Mr. Ziffel? yeah, hello?

I'm trying to get in Touch with mr. Douglas.

Uh, you want to get In touch with mr. Who?

Jim, what the... Later, melvin.

Douglas.

He's trying to get in Touch with melvin douglas.

Well, he ain't here.

Melvin ain't here.

No. Melvin's here.

Oh. He found melvin.

Mr. Ziffel.

No, this is sam drucker.

Uh... Uh... Uh, when you Gonna make the picture?

If you don't mind, I'd like To talk to mr. Douglas

Go right ahead.

He's talkin' it Over with melvin.

Hello, hello? Mr. Drucker?

No, this is doris ziffel.

What did you and melvin decide?

When you gonna be here?

In a couple of days. Would you tell mr. Douglas?

Oh. I thought Melvin was with you.

He is!

Well then, why don't You tell him? Bye.

Good luck.

Guess what?

I'm gonna be a movie star.

And I'm gonna be In the movies too.

What do you mean, You're gonna be in the...

Watch it!

And so is arnold.

And you said haney wouldn't Get an answer to his letter.

Wait for me, doris. Haney's letter?

Is that the one to Mr. Concern in hollywood?

Well, it couldn't Be. The-the-the...

Uh, mr. Drucker...

Be right with you.

What happened to you?

You like it?

You look very distinguished.

Thank you.

Just dug it out of an old trunk.

Ain't worn it since I Was in high school.

High school?

Yeah. Us druckers Skinned out young.

I think I'll wear It in the picture.

You know, they might Give me a romantic part.

What picture?

Didn't fred tell you?

They-they're gonna make A movin' picture right here.

Oh, come on.

Well, guess who I was just talkin' to, long Distance on the phone, not 5 minutes ago.

Jimmy stewart.

What?

Oh, I like him.

Does he look as handsome on The phone as he does in the movies?

Well, he... I-I-I was, uh...

You talked to jimmy stewart?

Yeah. And they're going to make A movie right here in hooterville.

And everybody in Town's gonna be in it.

You, too, mrs. Douglas.

Oh, I... I have to send to new York for a whole new wardrobe.

I need new dresses, And new sh... Ah... Ah... Ah.

Look, mr. Drucker, I don't understand.

What's going on around here?

Well, you can read all About it in the world guardian.

I'm gonna get out an extra.

Well, see you on the set.

Oh.

I gotta remember to send this Over to the barbershop for a trim.

Mr. Douglas.

Oh, mr...

Mr. Kimball?

I wanna talk to you.

What is that?

What is what?

The chin spinach.

Oh.

It's abraham lincoln.

Abraham lincoln.

Yes, mr. Haney says they May need one for the picture.

What's mr. Haney Got to do with it?

I'm taking acting Lessons from him.

I was rehearsing

When I got a call from The chief to come over here.

Did you write a letter to the Mother organization in washington

Whining about your puny corn?

Well, now, look here, I...

The chief told me to come over here And see what could be done about it.

All right, you got any ideas?

Yeah.

Why don't you shoot it And put it out of its misery?

Are you trying to be sarcastic?

Well, yes, I am.

Frankly, mr. Douglas, I'm a little miffed at you.

By writing to washington you made it Appear that I don't know ny business.

Oh, I didn't mean to Get you any trouble.

You know what the chief did?

Took away my soil testing kit.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, and it had My makeup in it.

Well, all I'm trying to find out

Is what's wrong with my crops.

Well, for one thing, They're not growing.

They would have if you'd Followed the instructions

In the department bulletins You're always sending away for.

I followed the instructions.

And do you know what I think?

I think your department Is full of baloney.

I'm going to faint.

It's just possible that they don't Know what they're talking about.

Mr. Douglas, be careful What you're saying.

Some of your Weeds may be bugged.

Oh, come on.

Yeah. Some of your bugs Might be bugged, too.

Mr. Douglas was Only joking, chief.

Just joking.

Well, I guess you won't have to Worry about this one anymore.

Look, I don't care who hears me,

I just want to find Out some answers.

To what?

To what I was talking about.

I don't remember all of it.

But I'm sure the chief Made a tape recording.

Are you going to help me?

Tomorrow. I've got to get Back to my acting lessons.

Does everything have to stop Because of this stupid movie?

This is a big opportunity For the town.

A lot of us expect To become big stars.

Stars.

Say, why don't you come over

To mr. Haney's school of cinema Acting and take a few lessons?

There may be a part in the Picture for a sorehead farmer.

I am not a sorehead farmer!

Mr. Haney doesn't believe In the shouting technique.

He claims that Underplaying a scene is best.

I don't care what Mr. Haney claims.

You were stupid to take Lessons from him in the first place.

Well, I'll tell mrs. Douglas When I get back to the school.

What?

Yeah, she was the 2nd one to enroll.

No, the 3rd. Eb was 2nd.

Do you mean that Haney hooked them

Into spending good Money for acting lessons?

You're overplaying it again.

Kimball, over and out.

Over and out?

roger.

Quiet on the set! Quiet on the set!

Now, folks, I want You to remember

That genuine Movie-type expression:

"Quiet on the set."

If you want, you can write it Down in your hollywood notebooks.

I ain't got one.

You can purchase them At the cinema school store

Immediately following The first lesson.

Along with other Needy hollywood items,

Like, uh, rod Larocque sunglasses,

Kay francis lipstick,

And lew cody mustache wax.

Now, this...

This is the heart of hollywood.

The motion-picture camera.

I refer you to this tomato can.

Which is playin' The part of a lens.

Everything is Make-believe in hollywood.

Now, the first thing

For the amateur Actor to remember is:

Never look into the tomato can.

What's that?

It looks like a sardines Can on a broomstick.

That is the micrey-phone.

Could I have a volunteer?

Sorry, arnold, you ain't tall Enough to talk into the sardine can.

How about you, mrs. Douglas?

Fine. Now, we're gonna give You your first screen test.

Now just tell us somethin' About yourself, and act natural.

Well, uh, well, my name Is lisa douglas, and I...

Cut.

That means stop Whatever you're doing.

Now, you don't start acting

Until somebody Yells, "Roll 'em."

That means that the film is Rolling around in the camera.

We'll try again.

Quiet on the set.

You've already had that lesson.

Roll 'em.

Well, my name is lisa Douglas and I was born...

Cut.

But I wasn't looking Into the tomato can.

Yes, but you wasn't Talkin' into the sardine can.

Well, if I talk into The sardine can,

Can the tomato can see me?

Yes. Mrs. Douglas, take It from an old trouper:

Just talk into the sardine can

And the tomato can Will always find you.

Let's try it again.

Roll 'em.

Lisa, will you get out Of a place like this...

Mr. Douglas,

Don't you know better than to Come bustin' into a sound stage

When the red porch light is on?

Mr. Haney, I don't...

Darling, don't look Into the tomato can.

I'd like to know... Whatever you have to say,

Say it in the sardines can.

What I have to say I don't Have to say in any can.

Ever since somebody mentioned the word "Movies" around here you've all gone crazy.

Acting like a bunch of nitwits.

Neglecting your land...

You don't know Anything about acting.

What you know is farming.

The richest, most rewarding Heritage a man can have.

Your fortune doesn't lie in a Piece of celluloid, it lies in the land.

In what you can grow, And cultivate, and harvest.

Now, please, take my advice:

Forget this nonsense And go back to your farms.

Cut. Let's print that.

Oh, darling, I'm So proud of you.

That's the first thing Mr. Haney printed today.

Lisa, how can...

How can you fall For a maniac like...

Underplay it, mr. Douglas,

If you wanna get into movies.

How can any of You possibly believe

That jimmy stewart Is gonna come here...

Listen, everybody. Listen.

Charley just called from pixley.

Jimmy stewart is on Board the cannonball.

He'll be pullin' into Hooterville at 2:00.

Anybody see him?

Nope.

Hey, mister, you Mind stepping aside?

We wanna see jimmy stewart.

Uh, I'm jim stewart.

Well, what happened to you?

I beg your pardon?

You don't look Like jimmy stewart.

You don't sound Like him, either.

Well, I...

You lost a lot of weight And you got shorter.

You better start Takin' care of yourself,

Or they'll be givin' you Those short skinny parts.

Oh. No, no, I'm not jimmy Stewart, the actor.

Then who are you?

I'm jim stewart. James d. Stewart.

Look, is... Is... Is Mr. Douglas here?

Well, we thought Melvin was with you.

Not melvin, oliver Wendell douglas.

Oh, he lives 4 Miles out of town.

What do you want with him?

Well, I'm here to make A documentary film

About his farm for the Department of agriculture.

You ain't gonna make A hollywood movie?

No.

Doggone!

Why did you pick Mr. Douglas' farm?

Uh, this film is gonna be about

The pitfalls of farming.

Then you picked the Right place, mr. Stewart.

There ain't a better Pitfall in the whole county

You want to film this Farm as an example?

He said "Horrible example."

I heard what he said.

Oh, darling, I'm So proud of you.

You're going to be famous.

Look, if this farm is A horrible example,

It's the fault of the Department of agriculture.

I followed the Instructions to the letter.

I followed them Carefully. All...

Mr. Douglas, let's get That point straightened out.

Yes, let's get that Point straightened out.

Is this corn your worst crop?

Yes, if you don't look at The soybeans and the wheat.

Lisa.

You'd better don't hit me In front of the government.

I wasn't going to hit you.

Look, mr. Stewart,

I planted this corn according To the bulletins exactly.

I planted the seed the Bulletin recommended.

I irrigated according To the bulletin.

Mr. Douglas, what was growing Here before you planted corn?

I don't know. What Difference does that make?

It makes a great Deal of difference.

Didn't you read the part about The importance of crop rotation?

He didn't read that book.

How about your soybeans?

Soybeans.

Now, yeah, I planted them Exactly as the bulletin directed.

I limed the soil...

Mr. Douglas, how soon After the liming did you plant?

The very next day.

Mr. Douglas, if I remember, The bulletin clearly states

If lime is needed, it should Be worked into the soil

At least 4 months Before you plant.

Oh?

Well, I probably Missed that part.

I think you've been blaming Us for your own negligence.

You obviously don't read Our bulletins carefully.

Look, I may have missed a...

You probably didn't mail 'em.

And you're blaming This chowderheads?

Look, mr. Stewart.

It's quite possible I was very Eager to get things into the ground.

I may have rushed a little bit.

That's why we'd Like to make the film,

To help other people Avoid your stupid mistakes.

Be my guest.

I want to get your opinion

On some of this film I Shot at the douglas farm.

How did it turn out?

You tell me.

What's that?

That's the douglas farmhouse.

Disaster area?

No, it looks like that.

Who's that?

Now, that's mrs. Douglas.

A simple farm wife.

That's mr. Douglas.

What's he made up for?

Plowing.

You're putting me on.

Wait. There's more.

These are some of The townspeople.

Cut.

I can't see their faces.

Well, they've been told not To look into the tomato can.

What?

Well, you see, the...

You wouldn't believe It even if I explained it.

What the...

County agent.

From what country?

I think I've seen enough.

Well?

What do you think I Ought to do with it?

A very good suggestion.

this has been a filmways Presentation, darling.