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1
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♪ green acres is
The place to be ♪
2
00:00:28,062 --> 00:00:31,863
♪ farm livin' is
The life for me ♪
3
00:00:31,932 --> 00:00:35,934
♪ land spreadin'
Out so far and wide ♪
4
00:00:36,003 --> 00:00:39,938
♪ keep manhattan, just
Give me that countryside ♪
5
00:00:40,007 --> 00:00:43,742
♪ new york is where
I'd rather stay ♪
6
00:00:43,810 --> 00:00:48,047
♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪
7
00:00:48,115 --> 00:00:52,051
♪ I just adore a
Penthouse view ♪
8
00:00:52,119 --> 00:00:54,786
♪ darling, I love you,
But give me park avenue ♪
9
00:00:57,291 --> 00:00:58,590
♪ the chores ♪
10
00:00:59,427 --> 00:01:00,759
♪ the stores ♪
11
00:01:01,429 --> 00:01:03,128
♪ fresh air ♪
12
00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:04,263
♪ times square ♪
13
00:01:04,331 --> 00:01:05,897
♪ you are my wife ♪
14
00:01:05,966 --> 00:01:07,632
♪ goodbye, city life ♪
15
00:01:07,701 --> 00:01:11,370
♪ green acres, we are there ♪
16
00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:18,210
You dirty no-good...
17
00:01:22,049 --> 00:01:23,648
Oliver.
18
00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:27,519
Whose names were those?
19
00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:29,732
Oliver.
20
00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:31,490
Over here, by the barn.
21
00:01:33,961 --> 00:01:36,395
Oliver, when I came
Out of the house,
22
00:01:36,464 --> 00:01:38,442
There were lots of
Names in front of me.
23
00:01:38,466 --> 00:01:40,599
Yeah. There were
Some in front of me, too.
24
00:01:40,667 --> 00:01:41,744
Who were they?
25
00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:42,867
I don't know.
26
00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,903
I got enough trouble
With this darn tractor
27
00:01:44,972 --> 00:01:46,472
And I hit my thumb
With a hammer.
28
00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:48,940
You want me to kiss it
And make it feel better?
29
00:01:49,009 --> 00:01:50,175
Please.
30
00:01:50,244 --> 00:01:51,921
That isn't very nice.
31
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:53,912
I'm sorry. Here.
32
00:01:53,981 --> 00:01:55,314
It's too dirty.
33
00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:58,361
What's wrong with the tractor?
34
00:01:58,385 --> 00:02:00,486
Well, the wheel came off again.
35
00:02:00,554 --> 00:02:03,233
Oh, I thought that it was
That one that always fell off.
36
00:02:03,257 --> 00:02:05,097
Which one? That one.
37
00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:10,195
Oh, how many
Times have I told you
38
00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:11,730
Not to point at my wheel?
39
00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:13,910
It wouldn't have been
Very good stuck on.
40
00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:16,535
It wasn't stuck on,
It was bolted on.
41
00:02:16,604 --> 00:02:18,381
You want me to
Help you to fix it?
42
00:02:18,405 --> 00:02:19,605
You don't know how.
43
00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:21,993
Well, I helped
You with that one.
44
00:02:24,245 --> 00:02:26,945
Lisa, you're trying me.
45
00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:28,947
I'm sorry, darling.
46
00:02:29,016 --> 00:02:30,749
Did you want something
Or did you just
47
00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:32,984
Come out here to
Point at my wheels?
48
00:02:33,053 --> 00:02:35,420
I came out to ask you something.
49
00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:36,588
What?
50
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:37,956
I forgot.
51
00:02:38,025 --> 00:02:39,424
Give me a hint.
52
00:02:40,161 --> 00:02:41,793
Oh, oh, I remember.
53
00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:44,262
Is arnold ziffel a
Friend of yours?
54
00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:45,565
Arnold?
55
00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:48,333
Oh, the ziffel's pig.
56
00:02:48,402 --> 00:02:49,635
Yes.
57
00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:51,637
Well, I wouldn't
Say he was a friend.
58
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:54,105
We say hello when we meet.
59
00:02:54,175 --> 00:02:55,974
I wouldn't wanna
Play bridge with him.
60
00:02:56,043 --> 00:02:57,276
Why?
61
00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:58,584
But you like him?
62
00:02:58,646 --> 00:03:00,979
Hmm, he's all right.
Why do you ask?
63
00:03:01,048 --> 00:03:03,826
Well, the ziffels want to go
Away for a couple of weeks,
64
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,429
And they would like
To leave arnold with us.
65
00:03:06,453 --> 00:03:08,119
They usually take
Arnold with them.
66
00:03:08,189 --> 00:03:09,499
Yes, but not this time.
67
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,934
They are going to niagara
Falls on a 2nd honeymoon,
68
00:03:11,958 --> 00:03:15,160
And, well, you just don't take
Anybody along on your honeymoon.
69
00:03:15,229 --> 00:03:17,329
We did. Your mother.
70
00:03:18,199 --> 00:03:20,043
We didn't take her along.
71
00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:21,978
We just happened to
Run into her in europe.
72
00:03:22,002 --> 00:03:23,335
It was a coincidinkle.
73
00:03:23,404 --> 00:03:26,371
Yeah, yeah, some coincidinkle.
74
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:28,106
We were riding on
The orient express,
75
00:03:28,175 --> 00:03:32,244
And she came through selling
Chopped chicken-liver sandwiches.
76
00:03:32,313 --> 00:03:35,325
Oliver, I think we'd better
Go on a 2nd honeymoon
77
00:03:35,349 --> 00:03:38,317
Because the first
One just about had it.
78
00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:40,586
I was just teasing you
About your mother.
79
00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:43,288
Are you sure? Of course.
80
00:03:43,357 --> 00:03:45,424
Did she chop that liver herself?
81
00:03:46,293 --> 00:03:47,659
Oliver!
82
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:49,639
Oh, it's all right. You
Tell... You tell the ziffels
83
00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:50,962
That arnold can stay with us.
84
00:03:54,201 --> 00:03:56,779
Mrs. Ziffel, what's the
Matter with arnold?
85
00:03:56,803 --> 00:03:59,404
Oh, he's upset because
We're goin' away.
86
00:03:59,473 --> 00:04:01,551
It's the first time
We ever left him.
87
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,208
Oh, he's old enough to be...
88
00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:04,854
You know, maybe fred
And me shouldn't go.
89
00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:06,278
Oh, now don't be silly.
90
00:04:06,347 --> 00:04:07,846
We'll take care of him.
91
00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:10,415
After all, what is there
To taking care of a pig?
92
00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:12,917
What do you wanna do
With arnold's bathtub?
93
00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:14,953
His bathtub?
94
00:04:15,021 --> 00:04:16,999
Just put it
Anywhere, mr. Ziffel.
95
00:04:17,023 --> 00:04:19,224
Now, mr. Douglas, when
You give him his bath,
96
00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:21,170
Make sure the
Water isn't too hot.
97
00:04:21,194 --> 00:04:22,972
What you gotta do
Is stick your elbow...
98
00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:25,397
I have no intention
Of sticking my elbow...
99
00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:29,268
Mr. Douglas, would you mind
Helping me with arnold's t.V. Set?
100
00:04:29,336 --> 00:04:30,902
His t.V. Set?
101
00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:32,771
He likes his own set.
102
00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:34,573
It's easier for him to adjust.
103
00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:38,443
Mr. Ziffel, uh, wait, wait.
104
00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:39,778
Now, here's his diet.
105
00:04:39,846 --> 00:04:41,747
He's got a very
Sensitive stomach.
106
00:04:43,751 --> 00:04:47,319
Nothing fried, no fatty
Foods, no strawberries.
107
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:49,888
He's allergic to 'em,
Breaks out in a rash.
108
00:04:51,525 --> 00:04:52,824
Here's his crib.
109
00:04:52,893 --> 00:04:55,193
I couldn't find his
Electric blanket.
110
00:04:55,262 --> 00:04:57,296
What a shame!
111
00:04:57,364 --> 00:04:59,097
Mr. And mrs. Douglas,
112
00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:02,467
You don't know how much we've been
Lookin' forward to this 2nd honeymoon.
113
00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:04,836
We couldn't go if we didn't
Have neighbors like you.
114
00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:07,906
Yeah, just my luck
You had to move in.
115
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:10,052
Fred, if you don't
Want to go, just say so.
116
00:05:10,076 --> 00:05:11,976
I don't want to go.
117
00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:14,346
He said that about
Our first honeymoon.
118
00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:17,516
Where did you go on your
First honeymoon, mr. Ziffel?
119
00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:18,983
Oh, I forget.
120
00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:21,853
We went to chicago, to the
Stockbreeders convention.
121
00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:22,999
Oh, yeah.
122
00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:24,389
Fred won a blue ribbon.
123
00:05:24,458 --> 00:05:25,458
For what?
124
00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:27,058
Her.
125
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:30,128
Fred, you're askin' for it!
126
00:05:30,197 --> 00:05:31,896
Look, doris,
127
00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:35,600
Why don't we get goin' and
Get this stupid thing over with?
128
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:38,837
Men! Well, goodbye,
Mrs. Douglas.
129
00:05:38,905 --> 00:05:41,606
Goodbye, mrs. Ziffel,
Have a good time.
130
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:42,675
Thank you.
131
00:05:43,544 --> 00:05:44,544
Bye, arnold.
132
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,913
Take care of him, won't you?
133
00:05:48,982 --> 00:05:51,249
Don't worry. We
Take good care of him.
134
00:05:51,318 --> 00:05:52,384
Bye, mr. Douglas.
135
00:05:52,453 --> 00:05:53,933
Have a good time.
136
00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:57,929
Well, they're on their way.
137
00:05:57,958 --> 00:05:59,598
They are? Yes.
138
00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:01,893
All right, off the chair.
139
00:06:04,164 --> 00:06:05,530
Off the chair.
140
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:09,735
All right, now, outside.
141
00:06:12,406 --> 00:06:14,706
Outside! You're not
Gonna live in this house!
142
00:06:16,477 --> 00:06:18,009
Oliver!
143
00:06:18,078 --> 00:06:20,457
Lisa, if the ziffels want to
Treat him like a spoiled child,
144
00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:21,481
That's their business.
145
00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:23,081
But while I'm his father...
146
00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:25,884
While I'm taking care of him.
147
00:06:25,952 --> 00:06:27,952
He's a pig, he's
Gonna live like one.
148
00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:34,459
Oliver, turn on the light.
149
00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:36,961
What? What? Oh.
150
00:06:37,030 --> 00:06:38,563
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
151
00:06:38,632 --> 00:06:40,164
Arnold is crying.
152
00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:41,266
Arnold?
153
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:42,574
Perhaps he's lonesome,
154
00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:44,280
Isn't used to
Sleeping in a barn.
155
00:06:44,304 --> 00:06:46,215
Perhaps you better bring him in.
156
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,940
I'm not gonna bring that
Pig into this bedroom.
157
00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:50,442
Go to sleep.
158
00:06:52,212 --> 00:06:54,045
Perhaps he's cold.
159
00:06:54,114 --> 00:06:57,048
Why should he be cold?
He's got our electric blanket.
160
00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:59,885
Wait till he tells the ziffels
The way you treated him.
161
00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:03,121
Let him tell 'em. Now,
Please, will you go to sleep?
162
00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:06,826
Who's that?
163
00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:11,296
All right, I'm coming!
164
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:17,502
How could you...
165
00:07:17,571 --> 00:07:19,148
How could... Who let you...
166
00:07:19,172 --> 00:07:20,939
Wait... That was me.
167
00:07:21,007 --> 00:07:22,808
Eb.
168
00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:25,722
Mr. Douglas, I can't sleep with arnold
Squealing his lungs out under my room.
169
00:07:25,746 --> 00:07:27,278
I can't sleep either.
170
00:07:27,347 --> 00:07:28,613
Yeah, but you're the boss.
171
00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:31,115
You don't have
To get up till 11:00.
172
00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:32,995
What do you mean? I get...
173
00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:35,498
Now, you go on back to your
Room and you take arnold with you.
174
00:07:35,522 --> 00:07:36,762
Where's arnold?
175
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:39,257
Where all good pigs
Are this time of the night,
176
00:07:39,326 --> 00:07:40,926
Asleep in their cribs.
177
00:07:43,831 --> 00:07:44,863
Nighty night.
178
00:07:46,934 --> 00:07:48,333
Oh, good night.
179
00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:53,438
Shh.
180
00:07:55,776 --> 00:07:58,154
Are you going to leave
The door open like that?
181
00:07:58,178 --> 00:08:00,679
The monroe brothers will
Be here early in the morning.
182
00:08:00,747 --> 00:08:02,447
Let them fix it.
183
00:08:07,788 --> 00:08:11,356
Honey, I forgot to tell you that
Arnold can't sleep with the lights off.
184
00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:16,361
Oh!
185
00:08:34,615 --> 00:08:37,482
Boy, ralph, they must have
Had some wind in here last night.
186
00:08:37,551 --> 00:08:39,562
Knocked the door
Right off the track.
187
00:08:39,586 --> 00:08:41,506
He's still sleepin' it off.
188
00:08:42,088 --> 00:08:43,454
He left the light on.
189
00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:46,636
Well, a lot of guys are
Afraid to sleep in the dark.
190
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:48,092
Well, what do we do, alf?
191
00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:51,107
What are you askin' me for? It's
Your turn to be foreman this week.
192
00:08:51,131 --> 00:08:53,598
Oh, yeah, I forgot. How
About fixin' the door?
193
00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:54,667
Ok.
194
00:08:57,437 --> 00:08:58,437
What... What?
195
00:08:58,471 --> 00:08:59,871
Morning, sleepyhead.
196
00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:01,172
What time is it?
197
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:03,321
How do we know? We're
Not clock-watchers.
198
00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:06,072
Hold it.
199
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:09,125
What's the matter?
200
00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:11,469
There happens to
Be a lady present.
201
00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:14,920
Where?
202
00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:17,356
Oh.
203
00:09:19,325 --> 00:09:21,485
Ralph, would you
Please turn your back?
204
00:09:21,528 --> 00:09:22,661
Oh, certainly.
205
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:23,929
Hold it.
206
00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:27,912
Out of respect for my sister.
207
00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:32,037
All right. You can
Get to work now.
208
00:09:32,105 --> 00:09:33,304
I want you to fix...
209
00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:34,906
Breakfast is ready.
210
00:09:34,975 --> 00:09:36,118
We'll be right there.
211
00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:38,276
My wife is calling me.
212
00:09:38,344 --> 00:09:41,664
How can we tell? She
Didn't mention any names.
213
00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:43,815
Just get to work.
214
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:49,888
Alf, there goes the greatest
Argument against drinking I know of.
215
00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:03,780
Good morning,
Darling. Good morning.
216
00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:04,948
How did you sleep?
217
00:10:04,972 --> 00:10:06,537
I didn't close an eye.
218
00:10:06,607 --> 00:10:08,206
That pig grunts in his sleep.
219
00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:09,407
It's the last time...
220
00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:11,721
Would you like to have
Your coffee now or later?
221
00:10:11,745 --> 00:10:12,944
Now.
222
00:10:13,013 --> 00:10:15,379
Couldn't you wait? It
Won't be ready until later.
223
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:16,915
Then why did you ask?
224
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,117
What's for breakfast?
225
00:10:19,185 --> 00:10:20,663
Chopped chicken-liver
Sandwiches.
226
00:10:20,687 --> 00:10:22,087
What?
227
00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:24,801
The orient express came through
And I bought some from my mother.
228
00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:26,424
All right.
229
00:10:27,327 --> 00:10:28,437
Good morning.
230
00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:29,527
Good morning, eb.
231
00:10:29,596 --> 00:10:31,262
Mr. Douglas, I went
Over to the ziffels.
232
00:10:31,331 --> 00:10:33,242
I promised to pick up
Their mail every day.
233
00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:35,000
Where's arnold?
There's a letter for him,
234
00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:36,200
From the government.
235
00:10:36,269 --> 00:10:37,936
From the government?
236
00:10:38,005 --> 00:10:40,639
Selective s-service?
237
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,343
"You are hereby
238
00:10:46,113 --> 00:10:47,612
Ordered to report..."
239
00:10:48,915 --> 00:10:50,348
What's so funny?
240
00:10:50,416 --> 00:10:52,183
Arnold's been drafted.
241
00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:53,551
You turned him in.
242
00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:55,286
I did not.
243
00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:56,688
When does he have to report?
244
00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:57,834
Tomorrow.
245
00:10:57,858 --> 00:10:59,702
I'd better help
Him pack. Oh, eb.
246
00:10:59,726 --> 00:11:01,793
They're not really going
To take him, are they?
247
00:11:01,862 --> 00:11:03,673
Well, they sent him
His induction papers.
248
00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:04,841
If he passes the physical...
249
00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:06,631
I better get in touch
With the ziffels.
250
00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:09,067
Now, don't be silly. The
Whole thing's a mistake.
251
00:11:09,136 --> 00:11:10,376
Just forget about it.
252
00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:15,339
Simpkins, lem. Check.
253
00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:17,575
Tadwell, john. Check.
254
00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:18,884
Wilson, carl.
255
00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:19,912
Check.
256
00:11:19,980 --> 00:11:21,612
Ziffel, arnold.
257
00:11:21,682 --> 00:11:22,947
No check.
258
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,515
What?
259
00:11:24,584 --> 00:11:26,517
Never showed up
For his physical.
260
00:11:27,921 --> 00:11:29,161
Where does he live?
261
00:11:29,656 --> 00:11:30,989
Over in hooterville.
262
00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:32,356
You know him?
263
00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:33,425
No.
264
00:11:36,730 --> 00:11:38,196
We finally got one.
265
00:11:39,299 --> 00:11:41,666
Spoiled our perfect record.
266
00:11:41,735 --> 00:11:43,367
First one in the county.
267
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:46,938
Should I send him
Another notice?
268
00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:48,151
Oh, no, no.
269
00:11:48,175 --> 00:11:50,541
We've... We've got to go
Over and talk to this...
270
00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:51,850
Zuffel person.
271
00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:53,511
Ziffel.
272
00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:55,446
Zuffel? Ziffel.
273
00:11:55,515 --> 00:11:56,659
We were just over there.
274
00:11:56,683 --> 00:11:58,527
Don't seem to be
Nobody down there.
275
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:00,284
Oh, no, they're away.
276
00:12:00,353 --> 00:12:01,720
They have a boy named arnold?
277
00:12:01,788 --> 00:12:02,854
Yes.
278
00:12:02,923 --> 00:12:04,455
Did he go with them?
279
00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:07,092
No, we're taking care of
Him till his parents return.
280
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:08,160
Oh.
281
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:11,273
We would like to talk to him.
282
00:12:11,297 --> 00:12:12,463
What about?
283
00:12:12,532 --> 00:12:14,999
We're from the county
Selective service board.
284
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:17,001
Oh, he got a letter from you.
285
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,637
Then why didn't he show
Up like he was supposed to?
286
00:12:19,706 --> 00:12:21,826
Well, my husband
Said he didn't have to.
287
00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:24,542
He laughed at your letter.
288
00:12:25,178 --> 00:12:26,745
Oh, he did?
289
00:12:26,813 --> 00:12:28,213
Thought it was funny.
290
00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:30,414
Yes, he said the whole
Thing was ridiculous
291
00:12:30,483 --> 00:12:32,428
And that arnold
Didn't have to go.
292
00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:34,919
Look, lady. Arnold's
In big trouble.
293
00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:37,200
He has to report for induction.
294
00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:39,357
Why would the army want arnold?
295
00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:40,691
He is a pig.
296
00:12:40,761 --> 00:12:43,561
We just let the army worry
About his table manners.
297
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,965
You see that he gets down there
298
00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:49,033
For his physical tomorrow
Morning, now, you hear?
299
00:12:49,770 --> 00:12:52,570
Report for his physical?
300
00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:54,405
Didn't you tell
Them what arnold is?
301
00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:57,686
Yes, but they said they
Don't care how arnold eats.
302
00:12:57,710 --> 00:13:00,110
They want him there
Tomorrow morning.
303
00:13:00,147 --> 00:13:02,713
All right, I'll have him
There tomorrow morning.
304
00:13:06,253 --> 00:13:07,696
Sergeant. Yeah?
305
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,054
This induction notice
Came yesterday.
306
00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:13,258
And I...
307
00:13:13,326 --> 00:13:15,927
Oh, ziffel, you
Finally showed up.
308
00:13:15,996 --> 00:13:17,328
Oh, no.
309
00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:19,075
Take your clothes
Off and sit down.
310
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,901
And take the pig outside.
311
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:25,136
No, sergeant, I'm
Not arnold ziffel.
312
00:13:25,205 --> 00:13:26,537
Oh, I suppose he is.
313
00:13:27,774 --> 00:13:29,874
Yes, that's right, he's him.
314
00:13:29,943 --> 00:13:31,854
Take your clothes
Off and sit down.
315
00:13:31,878 --> 00:13:32,977
Uh, but, sergeant...
316
00:13:33,046 --> 00:13:35,213
And take the pig outside.
317
00:13:35,282 --> 00:13:37,315
Look, is there anybody
Here in authority?
318
00:13:37,383 --> 00:13:38,543
You kiddin', mac?
319
00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:41,119
Look, somebody made a mistake.
320
00:13:41,188 --> 00:13:43,754
Well, I suppose you're gonna
Write to your congressman
321
00:13:43,824 --> 00:13:45,256
And get me court-martialed.
322
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,736
Now, why don't you take
Your clothes off and sit down?
323
00:13:48,862 --> 00:13:50,328
And take the pig outside.
324
00:13:51,397 --> 00:13:52,663
But, sergeant, I...
325
00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:54,132
The army ain't bad,
326
00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:56,734
Once you get used to the food.
327
00:13:56,803 --> 00:13:59,337
I know all about the
Army. I was in the last war.
328
00:13:59,405 --> 00:14:00,405
On whose side?
329
00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:02,841
Now, listen, ziffel...
330
00:14:02,909 --> 00:14:05,087
No, no, douglas is my...
Oliver wendell douglas...
331
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:08,546
Arnold, please.
332
00:14:08,614 --> 00:14:11,182
Ahem, here's my
Identification, sergeant.
333
00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:15,987
My credit cards. Airline credit
Card, telephone credit card,
334
00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:18,096
Hotel credit card,
Gasoline credit card.
335
00:14:18,158 --> 00:14:20,158
Don't you pay cash for nothin'?
336
00:14:20,894 --> 00:14:22,060
I'm an attorney.
337
00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:25,796
Oh, you're arnold's lawyer.
338
00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:28,366
Uh, no. This is arnold ziffel.
339
00:14:29,635 --> 00:14:32,003
You know, nobody's tried
To pull a thing like this
340
00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:35,673
Since the guy tried to palm
Off a kangaroo as his brother.
341
00:14:35,742 --> 00:14:38,076
Sergeant, I'm telling
You this is arnold ziffel.
342
00:14:38,144 --> 00:14:40,211
You can ask anybody
In hooterville.
343
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:43,447
Hooterville? I think that's where
The guy with the kangaroo came from.
344
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:45,716
Sergeant!
345
00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:48,152
Look, now you tell
Your client, arnie ziffel,
346
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,388
That if he isn't in here
By tomorrow morning,
347
00:14:50,456 --> 00:14:53,536
We're gonna send a couple
Of guys out to get him.
348
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:55,960
Well, hello, there.
349
00:14:56,029 --> 00:14:57,128
F.B.I.
350
00:14:57,197 --> 00:14:58,629
F.B.I.?
351
00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:01,410
We have a warrant for the
Arrest of, uh, arnold ziffel.
352
00:15:01,434 --> 00:15:03,968
I told the draft board,
And I told the sergeant,
353
00:15:04,037 --> 00:15:07,405
And I'm telling you,
Arnold ziffel's a pig.
354
00:15:08,674 --> 00:15:09,818
A pig?
355
00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:12,610
Yes. His parents
Left him with us.
356
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:17,282
Well, um, they're...
They're not his parents.
357
00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:21,519
The ziffels, they're
An old couple that...
358
00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:24,022
They're away on their honeymoon.
359
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:26,657
Well, it's not their
Honeymoon, really, it's their...
360
00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:30,128
All right, mr. Douglas, uh,
361
00:15:30,196 --> 00:15:31,896
You say arnold is a pig?
362
00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:32,965
Yes.
363
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:34,076
May we see him?
364
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:35,233
Of course.
365
00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:36,500
Where is he?
366
00:15:36,569 --> 00:15:38,436
He's in the bedroom
Watching television.
367
00:15:40,473 --> 00:15:42,340
He likes to watch television.
368
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:46,277
He's always turning the set on.
369
00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:48,079
Well, come on, I'll show ya.
370
00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:54,096
Gentlemen, there is your pig.
371
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:55,120
Hello, there.
372
00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:57,555
How do you do?
373
00:15:57,623 --> 00:15:59,824
You call a beautiful
Woman like that a...
374
00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:01,459
This is my wife.
375
00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:04,395
Lisa, these men
Are from the f.B.I.
376
00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:05,796
Oh.
377
00:16:05,865 --> 00:16:08,065
I watch your
Program all the time.
378
00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:09,500
Uh, yes?
379
00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:11,080
Did you ever shoost anybody?
380
00:16:11,104 --> 00:16:12,337
Huh?
381
00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:14,572
Oh, you know,
With a gun, shoost.
382
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:17,141
Uh, no, we haven't
Shoosted anybody.
383
00:16:17,210 --> 00:16:18,787
They're looking for arnold.
384
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:19,888
Now, where is he?
385
00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:22,413
Oh, he went out in the
Barn to see eleanor.
386
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:23,681
Eleanor?
387
00:16:23,749 --> 00:16:24,989
She's a cow.
388
00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:29,553
You don't have any
Respect for women, do you?
389
00:16:29,622 --> 00:16:30,862
That's her name.
390
00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:32,491
Oh, sorry.
391
00:16:32,558 --> 00:16:33,558
Just a second.
392
00:16:34,194 --> 00:16:35,393
Who are you?
393
00:16:35,462 --> 00:16:36,638
Who are you?
394
00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:38,363
We're with the f.B.I.
395
00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:40,198
Oh, finally caught you.
396
00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:44,668
He's a hot-head, but he'd
Never shoost anybody.
397
00:16:44,737 --> 00:16:46,971
They don't want my
Husband, they want arnold.
398
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,272
Have you seen him anywhere?
399
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:50,541
Yeah, he was out in
The back with alice.
400
00:16:50,910 --> 00:16:51,910
Alice?
401
00:16:52,979 --> 00:16:54,219
Chicken.
402
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,293
Come on, we'll find arnold.
403
00:16:57,317 --> 00:16:59,950
And then maybe
You'll be convinced.
404
00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:01,486
Why don't we arrest him?
405
00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:03,121
On what charges?
406
00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:04,889
Oh, he must have done something.
407
00:17:11,264 --> 00:17:14,098
Gentlemen, this
Is arnold ziffel.
408
00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:16,800
Uh-huh?
409
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:20,004
I, uh, don't suppose he
Has any identification.
410
00:17:20,773 --> 00:17:22,140
Of course not.
411
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:23,774
Then we just have
Your word for it.
412
00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:25,654
No, anybody around
Here will tell you...
413
00:17:25,678 --> 00:17:26,710
Mr. Douglas.
414
00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:28,757
Oh, mr. Kimball, hello there.
415
00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:30,981
I didn't know you were
Busy. I'll come back later.
416
00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:32,561
Well, not later, because...
417
00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:34,985
Now, these gentlemen
Are from the f.B.I.
418
00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:36,755
Oh.
419
00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:40,824
I'm with the department
Of agriculture.
420
00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:43,061
Guess that sort of makes
Us sister officers, huh?
421
00:17:44,764 --> 00:17:46,597
Well, not sisters, but brothers.
422
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:48,299
Although we're
Not really related.
423
00:17:48,368 --> 00:17:49,600
Maybe we are.
424
00:17:49,669 --> 00:17:52,248
Mr. Kimball, I wonder
If you could help us.
425
00:17:52,272 --> 00:17:53,371
Certainly.
426
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,473
Always glad to help
Out a brother sister.
427
00:17:55,542 --> 00:17:57,641
Uh, sister fellow.
428
00:17:57,710 --> 00:17:59,310
May I see your
Credentials, please?
429
00:18:03,349 --> 00:18:05,983
Say, that's a pretty
Good picture of you.
430
00:18:06,052 --> 00:18:07,485
Much better than mine.
431
00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:11,722
Who does your photography?
432
00:18:11,791 --> 00:18:15,293
Mr. Kimball, uh, these gentlemen
Would like to ask you a question.
433
00:18:15,361 --> 00:18:16,427
About what?
434
00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:18,329
Do you know arnold ziffel?
435
00:18:18,398 --> 00:18:19,730
Arnold ziffel.
436
00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:22,967
Oh, hello, there.
437
00:18:23,035 --> 00:18:24,035
Nice pig.
438
00:18:25,138 --> 00:18:26,437
Arnold ziffel.
439
00:18:27,373 --> 00:18:28,706
Is the name familiar?
440
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:31,642
No, the name is
Kimball, hank kimball.
441
00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:33,111
Yeah. That's my thumbprint.
442
00:18:33,179 --> 00:18:34,712
If you got an ink
Pad, I'd be glad...
443
00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:36,147
We know who you are.
444
00:18:36,216 --> 00:18:39,049
It's arnold ziffel we're
Trying to find out about.
445
00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:40,418
You're from the f.B.I.
446
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:42,131
Um, we've already told you that.
447
00:18:42,155 --> 00:18:43,854
Must be something
Pretty serious, huh?
448
00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:45,556
It is.
449
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:48,305
It just shows you how wrong you
Can be about a person's character.
450
00:18:51,030 --> 00:18:52,763
Mr. Kimball...
451
00:18:52,832 --> 00:18:55,666
Mr. Douglas, it's pretty obvious
What's going on around here.
452
00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:58,769
It's a conspiracy to help
Arnold ziffel evade the draft.
453
00:18:58,838 --> 00:19:00,949
There's no conspiracy.
I'm telling you.
454
00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:03,741
If you tell us once more,
That that's arnold ziffel,
455
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:05,409
You're going to end up in jail.
456
00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:09,213
That is arnold ziffel!
457
00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:13,484
If the man from the I.B.M.
Said you shouldn't say it,
458
00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:15,364
Well, then you
Shouldn't have said it.
459
00:19:15,388 --> 00:19:19,023
It's not the I.B.M. And this is a free
Country. I can say what I want to.
460
00:19:19,091 --> 00:19:20,891
Then why are you in jail?
461
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:22,793
Did you call bill
Wingate in new york?
462
00:19:22,862 --> 00:19:24,428
Yes, he remembered you.
463
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:26,364
Oh, he... Well that's
Very nice of him.
464
00:19:26,432 --> 00:19:28,866
We were only law
Partners for 15 years.
465
00:19:28,934 --> 00:19:30,801
I gave him your message.
466
00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:33,815
I told him you're in jail for
Helping to keep a pig out of the army.
467
00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:35,072
What did he say?
468
00:19:35,141 --> 00:19:37,261
He said I should call
Him when I am sober.
469
00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:40,411
Oh, no. Well, I gotta
Get out of here.
470
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:42,458
Look, call the ziffels
In niagara falls.
471
00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:44,882
Tell them to come back and
Straighten this thing out.
472
00:19:48,454 --> 00:19:49,574
Doris.
473
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:50,732
Yes?
474
00:19:50,756 --> 00:19:52,423
Did you turn on the shower?
475
00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:53,624
It's the falls.
476
00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:56,860
Fred.
477
00:19:56,929 --> 00:19:58,529
Wait till you see this.
478
00:19:59,165 --> 00:20:00,376
What is it?
479
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,032
It's a negligee.
480
00:20:02,101 --> 00:20:04,602
Mrs. Douglas gave it to me.
481
00:20:04,671 --> 00:20:06,791
No wonder. It's full of holes.
482
00:20:07,507 --> 00:20:09,640
It's supposed to be.
483
00:20:11,844 --> 00:20:15,145
Doris, why don't we go home?
484
00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:18,015
Aw, fred, we just got here.
485
00:20:22,455 --> 00:20:24,388
Hello? Hello?
486
00:20:24,457 --> 00:20:25,523
Yes.
487
00:20:25,592 --> 00:20:27,969
Yes, this is mr. Ziffel.
488
00:20:27,993 --> 00:20:29,793
Long distance? Who is it?
489
00:20:30,096 --> 00:20:31,336
Oh, hello?
490
00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:33,842
Arnold?
491
00:20:33,866 --> 00:20:35,399
That arnold? Let me talk to him.
492
00:20:36,536 --> 00:20:38,869
Hello? Yes, mrs. Douglas.
493
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:43,407
Well, I'll be doggoned.
494
00:20:43,476 --> 00:20:45,120
Yes, I will, mrs. Douglas.
495
00:20:45,144 --> 00:20:46,255
Right away.
496
00:20:46,279 --> 00:20:47,519
Pack your duds.
497
00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:50,248
What on earth for?
498
00:20:50,316 --> 00:20:51,493
We're goin' home.
499
00:20:51,517 --> 00:20:53,150
What's wrong?
500
00:20:53,219 --> 00:20:55,431
Arnold's in some kind of
Trouble with the draft board.
501
00:20:55,455 --> 00:20:56,387
What?
502
00:20:56,456 --> 00:20:57,888
Pack your things.
503
00:20:59,425 --> 00:21:00,824
Fred.
504
00:21:01,961 --> 00:21:03,728
Did you arrange this?
505
00:21:08,901 --> 00:21:10,868
Gosh, mr. Douglas,
You're famous.
506
00:21:10,936 --> 00:21:12,270
Listen to this.
507
00:21:12,338 --> 00:21:15,740
"Oliver wendell douglas,
Noted hooterville pig lawyer,
508
00:21:15,808 --> 00:21:18,376
Was successful in his
Efforts to have arnold ziffel..."
509
00:21:18,444 --> 00:21:19,710
Pig lawyer?
510
00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:21,445
You gonna send arnold a bill?
511
00:21:21,514 --> 00:21:24,360
Mrs. Ziffel said she was so
Glad she left arnold with us,
512
00:21:24,384 --> 00:21:26,784
Because nobody would
Have gone to jail for arnold
513
00:21:26,852 --> 00:21:28,352
Except you.
514
00:21:28,421 --> 00:21:31,661
Lisa, this is the last time I'll do any
Favors for anybody around here.
515
00:21:31,724 --> 00:21:34,035
I'm not getting mixed
Up in any more nonsense.
516
00:21:34,059 --> 00:21:35,237
Mr. Douglas. Yes.
517
00:21:35,261 --> 00:21:36,427
I've got a problem.
518
00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:39,040
Oh, it's you again.
519
00:21:39,064 --> 00:21:41,184
What have you got this time?
520
00:21:41,534 --> 00:21:43,701
Another draft notice.
521
00:21:43,770 --> 00:21:46,870
Take off your clothes, sit
Down, and take the girl outside.
522
00:21:48,174 --> 00:21:50,974
Sergeant, would you
Please read the draft notice?
523
00:21:51,043 --> 00:21:53,243
Ralph monroe. Where is he?
524
00:21:53,313 --> 00:21:55,045
This is him, uh, her.
525
00:21:56,816 --> 00:21:58,182
Run out of pigs, eh?
526
00:21:59,319 --> 00:22:00,396
Sergeant.
527
00:22:00,420 --> 00:22:02,920
I'll say one thing for
You. You never give up.
528
00:22:04,056 --> 00:22:05,989
Now, where's ralph monroe?
529
00:22:06,058 --> 00:22:07,558
I'm ralph monroe.
530
00:22:07,627 --> 00:22:10,994
Well, at least this one
Can speak for himself.
531
00:22:11,063 --> 00:22:13,798
Sergeant, it's not a
Himself, it's a herself.
532
00:22:13,866 --> 00:22:15,366
You stay out of this.
533
00:22:15,435 --> 00:22:18,869
Ok, mac, take off your
Dress and sit down.
534
00:22:18,938 --> 00:22:20,178
No, don't do it.
535
00:22:20,906 --> 00:22:22,139
I'm warnin' you.
536
00:22:22,208 --> 00:22:23,952
Sergeant, they've
Made another mistake.
537
00:22:23,976 --> 00:22:27,110
Miss monroe happens
To have a boy's name.
538
00:22:27,179 --> 00:22:29,480
Mr. Douglas, if
They want me, I'll go.
539
00:22:30,249 --> 00:22:32,483
See, he wants to go.
540
00:22:32,552 --> 00:22:35,285
Do you think I could get the
Same outfit with my cousin?
541
00:22:35,355 --> 00:22:36,487
What's his name?
542
00:22:36,556 --> 00:22:38,222
Louise.
543
00:22:38,290 --> 00:22:40,825
I better get the psychiatrist.
544
00:22:40,893 --> 00:22:43,271
She doesn't need a psychiatrist.
545
00:22:43,295 --> 00:22:44,295
No, but I do.
546
00:22:49,869 --> 00:22:53,270
This is a shame that mrs. Ziffel
Never got a chance to wear this.
547
00:22:53,339 --> 00:22:55,138
Well, maybe it's just as well.
548
00:22:55,207 --> 00:22:56,574
Why do you say that?
549
00:22:56,642 --> 00:22:57,875
It's full of holes.
550
00:22:59,144 --> 00:23:01,579
All I want is a
Good night's sleep.
551
00:23:01,647 --> 00:23:03,113
No pigs.
552
00:23:03,182 --> 00:23:05,015
A little peace and quiet.
553
00:23:05,084 --> 00:23:06,350
Good night.
554
00:23:06,419 --> 00:23:07,419
Good night.
555
00:23:09,655 --> 00:23:10,688
Oliver.
556
00:23:10,757 --> 00:23:12,523
Hmm?
557
00:23:12,592 --> 00:23:15,659
I think ralph was a little sad because
They wouldn't take her in the army.
558
00:23:15,728 --> 00:23:18,796
She's still got the navy
And the marines. Good night.
559
00:23:19,499 --> 00:23:20,499
Good night.
560
00:23:22,334 --> 00:23:23,334
Oliver.
561
00:23:23,736 --> 00:23:25,202
What?
562
00:23:25,271 --> 00:23:28,551
Would you like to go to niagara
Falls on a 2nd honeymoon?
563
00:23:28,808 --> 00:23:30,173
With whom?
564
00:23:30,242 --> 00:23:32,576
For a fellow who wanted
To get a good nights sleep,
565
00:23:32,645 --> 00:23:35,946
That wasn't a very
Smart thing to say, jack.
566
00:23:36,015 --> 00:23:37,959
You're right. I apologize.
567
00:23:37,983 --> 00:23:41,383
If I ever go on another honeymoon,
I want to go with you. Good night.
568
00:23:41,554 --> 00:23:42,787
You're sweet.
569
00:23:45,458 --> 00:23:48,659
Would you like me to
Sing you a gypsy lullaby?
570
00:23:48,728 --> 00:23:50,795
Turn out the light.
571
00:23:50,863 --> 00:23:52,823
Then you can't see my dance.
572
00:23:53,065 --> 00:23:54,298
What dance?
573
00:23:54,366 --> 00:23:56,486
The one which goes
With the gypsy lullaby.
574
00:23:59,405 --> 00:24:00,704
Where are you going?
575
00:24:00,773 --> 00:24:02,272
To get this!
576
00:24:02,341 --> 00:24:04,374
As long as we're gonna
Have a musical evening,
577
00:24:04,444 --> 00:24:06,121
We might as well do it right.
578
00:24:06,145 --> 00:24:07,344
Hey, hey, hey.
579
00:24:11,050 --> 00:24:13,818
I wouldn't go on a 2nd
Honeymoon with him.
580
00:24:13,886 --> 00:24:15,453
He's no fun.
37481
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