All language subtitles for 2009 - Made for Each Other

So, what do you want to come to?

How about to our incredible sex life?

So,

what room

do you want to do it in now?

Well,

you've already conquered the entire
downstairs.

Let's just be boring and do it in the
bedroom.

Yeah, let's be boring.

I have a surprise for you.

Actually, I'd prefer you in nothing at
all.

It's not for me.

But how'd you know?

Your mom told me.

Now let's get you in uniform.

Now, I know how you've always admired
Gil's gas pumping abilities, so... Hi,

guys.

So I invited him over to watch.

I hope he does more than just watch.

You really are the greatest.

Is that you?

No, it's the alarm clock.

The alarm clock?

Dad, I'm sleeping.

All right.

I'll just be in the shower.

Care to join me?

Brain check.

Just a little sore.

Sure.

Brain check.

I've got to get laid.

Morning, Daniel.

Morning, Mr. Hyatt. Mr. Hyatt, beautiful
day.

Did you have any luck last night?

Don't worry, she'll come around.

The whole neighborhood is pulling for
you. Thanks, Mrs. Hyatt.

Did you bring up the anal yet with the
missus?

Not yet, Mr. Hyatt. Well, because, you
know, Mrs. Hyatt wasn't always this

frisky. No, it took a little bit of
backdoor loving just to get our love

rolling. Oh, Henry.

Oh, come on.

Oh, tell him about the tape.

Oh, yeah, we made this video. Well, I'm
off to work.

Well, we'll pray for you, Daniel.

Baby,

I like your dreadlocks.

Maybe you make my heart stop.

Baby, I'll make your dreams come true.

Baby, you make my heart so maybe I love

you totally. Baby, can I rock with you?

Hey, Dan.

Any good news?

No.

I'm just a freshman and even I'm getting
pussy every night.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

All right, place your bets. Place your
bets. What do we got? It says here Marcy

holds the world's record for most
consecutive headaches.

What do you got? What do you got? What
do you got? February 3rd. She's not in

the mood.

Ah, Marcy, five favorite words.

Marcy, the second night of Passover.

Come on, I'm just kidding.

It's been three months since we got
married. I'm going insane here.

Another headache?

She's still, you know, sore.

Who gets a vaginal piercing the night
before their wedding?

Look, her piercer said she should feel
this comfort for a few months.

It's been a few months.

I'm sure it'll be any day now.

I don't know how you do it, man.

Marcy must give one hell of an H .J.,
huh?

Actually, she has carpal tunnel.

That sucks.

But I'll bet her tongue still knows its
way around your balls, huh?

And lockjaw.

Oh, my God. God, I had no idea it was
that bad.

Morning, Don.

Morning.

Morning, Ms.

Fleckenschecker.

Don, I hate to do this to you, but we're
running a little behind on the floppy

bar line, and I'd really appreciate it
if you could stay a few extra hours.

Sure thing, Ms. Fleckenschecker.

Don, please.

We're family.

I'm your sister -in -law.

Call me Catherine.

Okay. Catherine?

Wow.

It's official.

You have the hottest sister -in -law in
the world.

Oh, you should pull a sister swap.

Come on, Catherine's totally into you.

What? I could never cheat on Marcy.

Well, foreshadowing. F -O -U -R or F -O
-R -E?

F -O -R -E.

Thanks.

Yeah, that's the third time this week
Catherine asked me to stay late.

If I miss another episode of Two and a
Half Men, I'm not going to know what the

F is going on this season.

I better get a promotion out of this.

Of course you'll get a promotion. Your
father -in -law owns the company.

You think he's still pissed about your
bachelor party?

Well, here he comes. Why don't you ask
him?

Hey, Chuck.

What's up?

Good morning, Mr. Fleckenchecker.

Up yours, faggot.

He's coming around.

Yesterday he just set up yours. Now at
least you have a title.

Sometimes I wonder how things would have
turned out if I had stayed with

Catherine.

But then I wouldn't have gotten to get
together with Marcy.

Rhetorical discourse intended to explain
information not otherwise disclosed at

a given moment.

Exposition. Thank you.

So, what do you want for lunch? Chinese?

We had Chinese yesterday.

So I like Chinese.

You can't have Chinese two days in a
row. Of course you can.

Do you think people in China ever get
tired of eating Chinese?

I have lunch plans with my folks anyway.

Well, hey, give your mom my best.

And your dad.

Give your mom and dad equal parts of my
best to both of them.

Equally. The hell are you talking about?

I gotta go.

Damn it. Take my shit.

They installed a mail flop locker.

What?

Well, it's a device designed to keep you
from stuffing your shitty flyers in

their door every day.

Oh, hey.

What do you think about this?

Ooh, kind of stuck.

Oh, thanks.

Did you land Yapowitz versus Yapowitz?

No. As a matter of fact, it did not.

Sorry, Mom.

Hey, you know what?

You should be.

You didn't even make your parents hire
me for their divorce.

I said I was sorry.

You know what?

You can take your story and suck my
dick. And your parents, they can suck my

dick as well.

And that guy over there, I don't even
know that guy. That guy can suck my dick

too.

Your whole family sucks.

You and your retarded haircut.

And your dad with his jean shorts.

I mean, who the fuck wears jean shorts?

You okay?

Yeah.

Sorry about what I said.

That's okay.

Hey, I'm still gonna see you at the game
on Saturday, right?

Yeah, I'll be, uh, early for shoot
-around.

What do you want?

Uh... I'm looking for my parents.

Who?

Hey, Dad, you son of a bitch!

Mom?

Dan!

My baby boy.

Mom, what's going on here?

Oh, that.

I thought you were your father.

Where's Dad?

And who was that woman who came to the
door?

Well, I'd hardly call her a woman.

She's your father's new plaything.

A real tramp, if you ask me. I'm glad,
you bitch!

So, how are things at home?

Uh, you know, fine.

Things are pretty normal, I guess.

Oh.

So you two still haven't... I'd rather
not discuss my sex life with my mother.

I'll take that as a no.

Well, sex ruins marriages anyway.

Because you're no good at it. Dad?

What happened to you?

Your mother shot me.

What? I thought he was an intruder. I
was just protecting myself.

I was coming out of the shower, for
Christ's sake.

Wait a second. Hold on. Where did you
get a gun from? I carry one around now

protection. See?

Jesus, Mom.

Well, you never know when some lowlife
sleaze is going to try and hurt you.

Break your heart and leave you for some
skank who isn't even old enough to vote

yet. I can still hear you. I know you
can!

So, who's ready to eat?

Whoa, dude, dude, dude, dude.

Check out the dick and balls on this
chick.

That's gross.

Well, whatever.

I don't have to get back to her right
away.

Just had a go with the folks.

You know, seeing them always makes me
appreciate how good things are with me

Marcy.

I mean, yeah, we haven't had sex in
three months, but at least she hasn't

me yet.

Whatever you say.

Whoa, hey, what are you doing? Getting
sticky notes.

What the hell?

Why do you have a picture of my mom in
your desk?

Well, you know, your mom's always been
like a mom to me, too.

Cooking dinner for me and... Taking me
to baseball practice and tucking me in

night. Dude, that was when we were
seven.

Yeah, well, it's still really important
to me.

I gotta go.

Mr. Fields needs these by the end of the
day.

Are you all right?

Jamie, how do you do it?

How do you maintain such a great
marriage after all these years?

Honesty.

Without honesty, there can be no hope
for... Wait.

No sex.

Sex is the foundation of every great
marriage. Without good sex, a marriage

hopeless. Thank you.

No problem.

Fields, Baker, and Thomas, how can I
help you? Hey, babe, it's me.

Hey. I just want to let you know I'm
going to be home late tonight.

Your sister needs me here again.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah, but I think that promotion's all
about mine.

Of course it is. Just, you know, do
anything and everything Catherine wants

to do.

Prove to her that you're capable of
mastering all positions.

Okay.

All right, so I'll see you later
tonight.

Hey, listen, I was thinking, you know,
it's been a few months and...

Maybe if your vagina's feeling better
later, we could fool around?

Hello? Hello?

Hey.

Oh, Catherine.

Staples, yeah. Sure thing. I'll bring
them over in a bit.

Okay, I'll bring them over right now.

Catherine? Yeah?

I'll have whatever he's drinking.

Whiskey.

Keep them coming.

What did you do, break the fax machine?

I had an affair.

You had an affair? Like you went to a
gala or a social event?

I slept with Catherine.

Our boss?

No, Catherine Zeta -Jones. Oh my... My
God, I love her. She was so good in

Entrapment. How do you even meet her? I
didn't sleep with Catherine Zeta -Jones.

Dan, you know I'm not good with sarcasm.
Yeah, sorry. I slept with Catherine,

our boss.

Wow.

Are her tits real?

She ambushed me.

Yeah, of course she did. She came out of
the shadows like a ninja.

Like a ninja with boobs.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.

Okay? Tell me everything that happened
in great detail, starting from the

beginning. Well,

I was sitting at my desk. My phone rang.

Hey.

Oh, it's Catherine.

She says she needs to borrow some
staples. Could I come over to her office

drop some off?

So naturally, I thought this would just
be a routine staple exchange.

But what I got instead is far from
routine.

I have a new assignment for you, Dan.

What's that?

Humping the boss.

Your dad's gay?

Come here, goddammit.

I want it.

Done, I want it now.

It became clear to me now that she might
not really want my staples, but use

them only as an excuse to lure me to her
office.

Give it to me. Give it to me.

Oh, it's so medium -sized.

I tried to fight her off, but it was
hopeless.

Figured my best bet was to just sit back
and wait until it was over.

Just sit back and let her ravish me.

Let her have her way with my body,
caressing every square inch with her

Go on.

Get out of here. Go back to your wings.

Yes! Oh, we're fucking... We are fucking
now!

You're so perfectly medium -sized.

Oh, I love that big, hard knee. I love
it.

Yes, yes.

Who's the boss now, huh?

Who is it?

Who's the boss, Dad?

Yes. Oh, you feel so good, Dad.

Do you like this? Can you like this?

Yeah. Yeah.

Give me that floppy ball.

I love those goddamn floppy balls.

It's terrible.

My marriage is over.

Well, only if you tell Marcy.

I have to tell her.

You know I'm not good at keeping secrets
from her.

Heavens me.

Now Marcy's going to divorce me, and
I'll end up like my parents.

Well,

at least your mom makes out pretty good.

I mean, made out pretty good. I don't...
You know what I mean.

Oh, God, I'm such a dick.

Marcy would never do this to me.

You know why?

Because she's a good person.

And good people don't go around banging
their wife hither.

Well, what if she did?

What if Marcy slept with Catherine?

No, what if she had an affair?

That way when you go to confess, she'll
feel so bad that she has to forgive you.

You can forgive each other.

Jesus, man, what is wrong with you?

And in case you haven't noticed, sex
isn't really high on Marcy's list of

to do. Well, whatever. She said it was
gonna take, what, three months tops for

her cooch to heal? It's been three
months.

Even if I wanted to go along with this
plan, Marcy certainly wouldn't. She's

that kind of girl. Well, you gotta make
her that kind of girl. You gotta start

acting coldly towards her.

Come home late, always be in a bad mood,
knock her around a little.

What? All right, don't come home late.
Whatever. All I'm saying is you can't be

that same lovable asshole that she fell
in love with.

Where you going?

Home. To tell my wife everything.

He's a dead man.

Hey, let me get a, uh, gimlet.

Honey. Oh,

sweetheart, you scared me.

Sorry.

Dinner will be ready in a second.

You want to set the table?

Marcy, there's something I need to tell
you.

What is it?

I did something really bad tonight.

Well, whatever it is, you know, I'm sure
we can make it better.

I slept with your sister.

You did what?

I know. It was a horrible thing for me
to do, and I will make it up to you.

All right, I'll do it.

I'll find someone to have sex with my
wife.

Tough day at work today?

Yep.

Captain's writing you pretty hard, isn't
she?

We are fucking now!

Yeah, you could say that.

Whoa, what are you doing?

Giving my husband a massage.

I'm sorry. You just caught me off guard.

We haven't been too intimate since the
wedding, and...

I know that's my fault.

But I also want you to know how much I
love you.

Remember the first time I gave you a
massage?

Wasn't it during my niece's wheelchair
basketball game?

Mm -hmm.

And your bow tie was strangling you.

So you took it off.

We snuck out back to the auditorium and
into the cafeteria.

And then you lied down on the cool kids
table.

And you proceeded to ride me throughout
the entire slam dunk competition.

And then our own bridal lass took over
and... She did me right there.

Bring this floppy to the table.

Huh?

I'm, uh, really tired.

I had a long day with... I love those
goddamn floppy balls!

You know, Catherine riding me and all.

I'll go brush my teeth.

Jay.

Hey.

Thanks for the massage.

Best one yet.

Anytime.

I want this guy in a ponytail.

I wouldn't post them up, you know what I
mean?

That guy's the guy with the crazy
sideburns. He looks like a huge

Yeah, it's amazing.

It's like these guys leave their house
more without looking in the mirror.

Some people have no self -respect.

It's embarrassing.

I'm embarrassed for him.

You're not embarrassed.

I haven't had sex in three months.

I can't go more than five minutes
without the tang. Good luck, man.

Yeah, how's the list of potential stunt
cocks coming?

Oh, yeah, about that.

Just having a little trouble coming up
with the names.

How many you got?

None.

Yeah, we thought that might happen, so
we went ahead and made up a list for

Okay,

all right, all right.

I'll do it.

I'll sleep with Marcy. I will sleep with
Marcy. But I'll tell you right now, I'm

not going to enjoy it.

Well, that'll make two of you.

That is the most horrifying thing I have
ever imagined.

And no offense, but you do tend to screw
everything up.

What are you talking about?

Sophomore year of high school when I
took Anna Marie to the movies. You

that?

Oh,

my God.

Oh, my God!

What about that sausage factory we work
at? I mean, you can't go ten feet in

there without tripping over some dong.

You know, I don't think guys at work
think of Marcy in a sexual way.

Oh, God, I'd like to bone her out. Just
stick it up in that shit.

Let's go, guys.

You got to move faster.

Faster.

Come on. There's got to be someone at
work who's good for Marcy.

Oh, what about Ted in accounting?

We talk.

What about John from research and
development?

Short.

Ooh, how about Paul from the mail room?

Isn't that guy a quadriplegic?

Paraplegic. He's still good from the
waist down.

You should see him dance.

Look, I gotta plan this out right.
Marcy's not just gonna fall for any

off the street.

I think this game is ended.

Let's go, guys.

We had them how we played.

Hey, Marth.

You and your breaded friend need some
privacy? What?

Have you ever seen anybody butter roll
before?

Sorry I'm late. I have the worst yeast
infection.

It is like yogurt and cottage cheese
mixed.

Uh, can I start you off with... Steak,
rare, glass of your finest red.

Thanks, Tiger.

Do you know how to get cum stains out of
wool?

Uh, so?

What?

So, how are things going at work?

Nothing new to report, you know, but I
promise to keep you updated the moment

something arrives.

So, do you think you and Dan are, you
know, gonna be able to work well

Never met a man who didn't work well
below me.

Big hunk of beef.

Yep, that'd be me.

Thanks,

Tiger. And you must be the extra virgin.

Excuse me?

Cobb salad with extra virgin oil and
vinegar?

Oh, yeah.

Sorry. Seriously, do you know how to get
cum out?

It's like club soda or something, right?

Okay, listen, so here's what you do.

You find a guy, you coach him on Marcy's
turn -on, and then he sleeps with her.

It's a piece of cake.

Where the shit have you been?

That's what we've been talking about all
day.

For real?

And you told him about the cake?

Yeah, there's a game we're having.

Parker, come on.

Stretching time.

Same time next week.

Still undefeated.

You like your wife?

Not too bad.

My man.

Are you sure you're alright yet?

Is this your plan now?

gave yourself behind a plate of buffalo
wings?

Actually, I was hoping to swallow one of
these guys whole and choke to death.

Step out of it, man!

What happened to the take -no -prisoners
guy we all fell in love with? The guy

who wouldn't back down from any
challenge?

What happened to the schoolyard bully
who used to give me wedgies every day

until my underwear ripped and sent me
crying home to my mother and father?

I needed a good kick in the ass.

You know, I really appreciate you guys
helping me out on that.

One day when I'm married, I cheat on my
wife, I expect nothing less of any of

you guys.

You know it.

You married?

Mm -hmm.

You like your wife?

Mm -hmm. She getting fat yet?

Mm -hmm.

Give me a call.

Every douchebag in here is happily
married.

Oh, oh, oh, my commercial.

Are you tired of lackadaisical lawyers
sitting behind their cushy desk making

faulty promises?

Well, I don't even have a desk because
I'm too busy to sit. I'm too busy

for you.

Hello? Hello, I'm Morris, the
executioner Rodriguez, divorce lawyer,

rape your spouse.

Financially.

But don't take my word for it. Take this
guy's word.

That's right, I kept it all. The house,
the car, even my wife's clothes.

The executioner really took that slut to
the cleaners. But don't take my word

for it. Take hers.

Why didn't I hire the executioner?

Because you're an idiot.

Don't make the same mistake. Call now.

See, I told you, you can't tell yet a
tummy tuck.

Oh, so, um, you got it narrowed down to?
No one yet.

But I have limited my requirements to
two. What are they?

Well, first,

he can't be better than me.

Oh, come on. Who's better than you?

And he can't be from around here.

I don't want him hanging around once
he's fulfilled his obligation, so to

Could be tough getting in an outsider.

This town's pretty damn small.

Everyone knows each other and all their
intimate details.

Hey, Ed.

How's your herpes?

I'm pretty sure that guy has me confused
with another Ed.

Dude, everyone knows you got the herpes.

God damn it!

I just realized I borrowed your bathing
suit last week.

Where would I find an outsider?

A real wham -bam -thank -you -ma 'am
kind of guy.

Drifter.

to Waterworld the Musical, starring the
traveling actor galore, Mack McKenzie.

He knows of dry land.

I've seen his dirt.

But he's quick with a sword.

I warn you, be alert.

Something about him is off.

He's at least 20 kills.

He's hiding something, I know it.

Wait, stop him!

He's got kills!

Well, if it's a fight that you want,
then a fight you shall get.

But warn you, I must.

It's a fight you'll regret.

Knock, Mackenzie. In town now at the
Huckleberry Playhouse for a very limited

engagement.

I'd like to live in a water world.

I'd like that very much.

You wouldn't last ten minutes in a water
world.

The smokers will eat you alive.

Ooh, I got it!

It just hit me like a bolt of thought
lightning.

That actor, Mack McKenzie, he's the
perfect man for the job.

You think so? No, no, that is an
absolutely terrible idea.

Why?

Actors get so much vagina.

That man probably has moves Dan's never
even heard of.

Yeah, and I bet he's hung like a bear,
too.

Gotta have a huge cock.

Whoa, Dan, Dan.

Take a look around you at the assorted
male population this town has to offer.

This is on a good night. I'm telling
you.

That's the guy.

Oh, not that guy.

I've battled the best I'd fight to step
above, but look into my heart,

it's just a...

Yeah. You know him?

I wish I didn't.

Now, um, I don't want to make any
assumptions here, but if you had to

again, I'm not implying anything by
this, but if you had to guess,

how would you say he is in bed?

Well, if I had to guess...

I'd say he has a two -inch penis, the
stamina of a 70 -year -old with

and he won't be there in the morning
when you wake up.

Oh, and his balls smell like pistachios.

That was a really good guess.

Really good guess.

This is the best thing that's happened
all year.

Let's go!

Mariner does not wish to be disturbed at
the moment.

Is this Mack McKenzie's dressing room?
There is no Mr. McKenzie. There is only

Mariner.

Excuse me?

When Mr. McKenzie takes on a role, he
becomes that role, and he only answers

his character's name.

Get it? Now go.

Yeah, um, I really need to see Mr.

Mc... Mariner.

It's not going to happen, so if you
could please leave and never come back,

really appreciate it. Thanks.

Mariner, I need your help.

Mariner is a loner.

He helps no one save himself.

Please, you're the only one who can help
me.

I need you to sleep with my wife!

She hot?

Very.

Meet me in my domicile after the show.

What do you see over there?

A lot of water.

Water everywhere.

Water over here.

Water over there.

Water everywhere.

Water over here. Water over there. Water
over here. Water everywhere. Water

world. Water world.

No trees, no rocks, or need for stocks.

It's water world.

Water world.

No cows, no sheep, or birds to feed.

It's water world.

Waterworld. Well, it's Waterworld
Partners. Word to Kevin. Coffee, steak,

piss. Something smells real fishy.

No need to brag and no need to vote.
East coast, west coast, we ain't got no

code. Mess with the best and we'll turn
you to trip toast.

Smoke a M3. I'll be the dopest MC in the
world, player. And I'm the Waterworld

mayor. Mayor.

These trees and rocks, they're not meant
for me.

Just look at my feet I was made for the
sea

Don't leave us, Mariner This is your

fate Besides, we're short of men We need
to procreate

Fresh water is

nice It's cool and crisp But on a hot
summer's day I thirst

For a warm cup of tea.

Will we ever see you

again?

Anything's possible here.

In this wonderful...

Mr. McKenzie hear me? That would be
impossible, seeing as how Mr.

McKenzie is not even in this room right
now.

Uh, where is he?

He must first shed the skin of his
character before he can get back into

skin.

Sounds like a real dedicated actor.

Mm -hmm. The man once became an ordained
rabbi for a three -line part in a

student film, went to rabbinical school
and everything.

Hmm.

So, where exactly does he go to do this
skin -switching thing?

Dude, I don't know. What do you want
from me? The guy is clearly a wacko who

thinks he's the greatest actress in
sliced bread, when in reality, he really

sucks my big, sweet cherry. Hey!

Hey there, big guy.

Great job tonight.

Best performance yet.

How could it be the best performance
yet? All of my performances are the

Perfect. You can't perfect perfection,
especially when the object that you're

trying to perfect is already perfect.

Am I making myself perfectly clear? Get
your hands off me.

Of course. I mean, that's what I meant.

We have business to discuss.

Am I talking to Mac right now?

There's nobody else here.

Good.

Now, um, the reason why I'm here is
kinda...

You cheated on your wife, and you think
if your wife cheats on you, you'll both

be even and I'll be forgiven.

Something like that.

Wow.

How'd you know all that? Oh, it's not
important.

However, I gotta tell you, man, this
plan of yours is absolute genius.

There's no way I could backfire.

Good. Good. I'm glad you feel that way.

One problem, though.

What's in it for me?

Um, how about the chance to explore a
character you have yet to play?

I've played numerous characters who have
been involved in adulterous activity.

But have you ever played a character...

Who was so bad in bed that the woman he
was with was completely turned off from

ever having an affair again.

That's interesting.

In real life and on stage, I've always
been known as the world's greatest

Now to play the opposite role, that is
most intriguing.

I will have sex with your wife.

And by God, it will be the worst sex.

Could you please direct me to Marcy
Jacobs' desk?

Excuse me.

Yes? I have a delivery for Marcy Jacobs.

I wasn't expecting.

Yellow roses.

You're beautiful.

The flowers, they're beautiful.

There is a note.

I didn't think a note would do adequate
justice in expressing just how

infatuated with you I am.

These are from you?

You got me.

You can see that my romantic gesture has
come as a very welcome surprise.

Do I know you?

No, but I fully intend on rectifying
that little oversight. Shall we retire

more romantic setting to get better
acquainted?

I'd appreciate it if you'd leave.

Before I leave, first let me adjust my
socks.

Sluggish socks throw my entire
equilibrium off balance.

Orange socks?

Yeah, orange is my favorite sock color.

Mine too.

What?

I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.

Rick. Rick Flair.

Rick Flair?

Rick Flair's the name of my favorite pro
wrestler. Yeah, he's sort of a hero to

me.

What do you say I buy you a drink?

It's 10 .30 in the morning.

I'm an alcoholic.

Me too!

Come on, what do you say?

I don't know who you are, Ric Flair.

You're probably right.

If I were to go on with you now, I'd
probably be late for my job at the

Center.

Wait, you work at the Senior Center?

I wouldn't call it work. I volunteer
there every other day.

Keeps me grounded in what's really
important in life.

Old people.

Do you know what I really love about old
people?

The smell.

I just one drink couldn't hurt.

So?

So, I'm trying not to think about it.

Every time I do, I get nauseated.

Speaking of which, I don't have any
staples. Really?

What's that hard object in your pants?

Maybe I should investigate.

Oh.

Go figure.

Daddy'd like to see you in his office.

Um, I'm a little busy right now.

Can I wait?

I'm afraid it's much too important to
wait.

God damn it.

Okay.

I'll see you there.

Fuck off.

Ever since I've been working here, I
haven't had a single meeting in his

I wonder what it's about.

Well, if Catherine told him about your
affair, it's probably about figuring out

where he's gonna stick his tiny foot.

Dan, you throwed her up, you took her.

You've been with this company for a
short time, Dan.

And in that time, you've proven yourself
to be a real asset.

Do you understand what I'm trying to say
here, Dan?

You lost me at for a short time, Don.

Let me see if I can put it to you in
other words.

Catherine!

Yes, Daddy.

You know, I've never liked you, Dan.

And if it was up to me, I would have had
you murdered a long time ago. Again,

sir, I cannot apologize enough for what
happened at my bachelor party. Shut up.

This is probably the most difficult
thing I've ever had to say to you.

Dan, you've been promoted.

You are now the new executive chief
marketing manager of the Lower Southeast

Coast.

Sir, I... Don't know what to say.

Save it.

You just better take care of my baby
girl.

Got it?

Uh, sure.

I have to run. I have to prepare for the
night.

Oh, yes, your show.

Can't wait to see you in action, sir.

Oh, great.

You're going?

Bye, Daddy.

Congratulations, Don.

Thank you.

I gotta go.

Oh, and Don, you do realize as the new
executive chief marketing manager of the

Lower Southeast Coast, you will have to
stay late most nights.

But don't worry, Don.

I'll be here to help you out whenever
things get too hard.

And by hard, I'm referring to your erect
penis penetrating my vagina.

Oh! Okay.

Maybe you're not the right man for the
job, Dan.

Oh, I am.

I mean, I am the right man for the job,
excluding any and all kinds of sexual

relations.

I'm disappointed to hear that.

I know a couple other people that would
be disappointed to hear that as well.

Catherine, what we shared the other day
was great.

Probably the best death sex I've ever
had, but it was a mistake.

I'm sorry if I misled you.

Don't you remember how good we were in
college, Dan?

Dan!

How many times do I have to tell you?
Put a trash bag in the can so I'm not

standing here with an empty bottle!

I hate it! How many fucking times do I
have to tell you? How fucking hard is

What is your fucking problem?

Stop smothering me.

Oh, yeah, Dan.

Why don't you go turn off the lights and
masturbate to the cure again?

I'd like that, wouldn't you? You never
supported me.

And stop using my fucking makeup.

Uh, those were great times, but college
is over, so...

11 a .m.

My office tomorrow. You don't show. You
needn't come to work on Monday.

Or I'll tell Daddy and Marcy everything.
Now leave this room, Dad.

Okay.

I'm just taking this guy so long.

Could he have got Marcy in the bed
already? I thought you wanted him to get

on.

Yes. I mean, no.

I mean, I want Mac to seduce Marcy, but
expect her not to jump in bed with him

on the first day.

The second day?

He's here.

Medium.

Damn it. Atomic.

Hola, amigo. How goes it? So, what
happened?

Leave us.

But you... First

off, your wife is a babe.

I mean, I've had my fair share of tail,
but I am definitely looking forward to

putting the hurt on that hot tamale of
yours.

You like wings, do you? Yeah, bro.

You pussy.

Mild.

I can't do that.

Ed? Morris?

Strawberry daiquiri.

Lightly chilled.

Okay.

You got a problem, hombre?

First of all, I'm not your hombre,
hombre.

I've seen your commercial.

Reminded me of Juan Carlos Mendoza's
performance in the Spanish soap opera.

El Amor Prohibido.

Season 5.

Everyone knows El Amor Prohibido peaked
in Season 3.

You blinked first.

So?

What happened with Marcy? Your wife
wants my nuts.

Badly. If all goes according to plan,
she will get them very soon. Hey,

kinky. You're supposed to be a horrible
lay.

You know what? I won't do anything to
her that I wouldn't do to my own mother.

I don't really know about that guy.

I don't know. He seemed... respectable.

Ish.

Come

on,

Mike. Open up. I gotta talk to you.

Hey. Whoa, what's up?

Going inside so we can talk. Nah, let's
talk right here.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing is the matter. I just, I'm with
someone.

You sly dog, who is it?

Oh, no, it's not.

Oh, is she really fat?

What? No, she's a dude.

Because?

I'm gay.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, I, um... I screw dudes.

A lot of dudes.

So... What's on your mind?

Huh? Well, you said that you really
wanted to talk about something when you

over. What's up?

Oh, yeah, uh...

You know, Marcy, Mac was talking.

Wings.

You really gay?

Yes.

100%. In the butt.

Very, very gay.

Pretty gay. Uh, look, dude, if the whole
plan thing is really driving you that

crazy, then just, you know, forget about
it, okay? And go home and come clean to

Marcy.

Yeah.

I'm gonna go.

I'll let you get back to whoever you're
doing or whatever it is you're... Bye.

Is he gone?

Yeah.

Oh, I hope everything works out for him.

He deserves to be happy.

What's that in my ass?

My finger.

I love you.

What?

What is it?

Have you ever done something that you
knew was wrong?

And after you did it, all you wanted was
just to take it back?

What are you talking about?

It's just, I, uh... Well, I...

I

caught your father at my bachelor party.

You did what?

I sort of caught your father.

At my bachelor party.

Oh.

That's it?

Yeah.

I mean, it was an honest mistake, you
see.

The boys, they got us these little
people, you know, to toss.

And we'll... Two and I'm three!

Hey,

what the hell is going on in here?

I think it's pretty horrific. This
gentleman takes the cake.

You should all be ashamed of yourself.

That's right. Go on. Lower those heads.

Because you know what you did was wrong.

You never toss a little person.

Feet first.

Now this is how you toss.

It's your turn, buddy.

You're up.

Oh, I don't know.

Plus, the little piece is kind of
offensive, don't you think?

No!

All right, I'm convinced.

What do I do? Okay.

Grab the little guy, like so.

That idiot.

Busting a little person is like a slap
in their little faces.

I know.

I feel awful about it.

So, that's all you wanted to tell me?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's it.

So, Mara, how's work?

Work's great.

That is a shame.

We could use a good executive chief
marketing manager of the Lower Southeast

Coast. That's my job.

If I work for you, everyone would think
I got the job because I'm the father of

the daughter. So Dick's here.

He doesn't mind that he got the job that
way. He does not care that people

snicker and point behind his back.

They do?

Looks like things are about to get
underway.

Excuse me.

I hope Dad still remembers how to play.

I know.

He fits into those pants.

You know, it'd be nice if you at least
pretended like you were having a good

time with me when we're out in public.

Who's pretending?

A great time.

Tiny gets rules.

Are you avoiding me?

What?

What are you talking about?

It just seems like you're going out of
your way to avoid me.

You're either working until all hours of
the night or stuffing your face with

wings.

What do you think? You want to come to
wings with me and the boy?

Well, you can't.

No girls allowed.

I kind of wish we'd go back to the way
things were before our marriage.

Well, maybe if somebody didn't get their
vagina pierced. Oh, God, I'm so sick of

you rubbing my vagina in my face.

I tell you what, if I ever get a
piercing, I'll give you full permission

my dick in my face.

But I would never rub your dick in your
face.

But you just can't get off my vagina.

You're being such a dick right now.

Sorry, I didn't know your vagina was
making me a dick.

Where are you going?

Oh, I thought I'd sleep on the couch
tonight.

Oh Guess I'll see you tomorrow

needs a little advice now and then if
you want her to feel dear put it in her

rear this is a lubrication oh my god
little lotion for the motion

they're not gonna anal it'll change your
life

Fuck me.

Rewind.

Sir Lundgren.

How dare you do it?

Mac McKenzie here.

Hello. I'm sorry. I must have the wrong
number. I was trying to reach Ric Flair.

Oh, hold on for a moment.

Get the fuck out.

Marcy? Oh, it's you.

It's me, all right.

Ric Flair.

Who's Mac McKenzie?

Well, he's an astonishing actor with the
body of a Roman warrior and the soul of

a saint, but that's not important right
now.

What can I do for you?

Or better yet, to you, right?

Well, I was sort of wondering if you
weren't too busy at the moment.

Um, you're not too busy, are you?

I was doing some last -minute packing,
doll. Watching my favorite actor, Dolph

Lundgren, kick butt.

I love Dolph Lundgren!

He's probably the most underrated action
star of our time!

Kind of hard for me to say.

Do you want to meet up for a drink?

Um, well, actually, I was sort of hoping
we could meet somewhere a little more

intimate.

I know just the place.

This

is

it.

Blackwood's town tomorrow.

What if he leaves without seeing Marcy?

I'm clean regardless.

What are you going to do about the
Catherine situation?

I don't care about her or my job. The
only thing I care about right now is

making sure my wife had sex with some
dude.

Ben, I like Marcy.

I think we all do.

Did you ever stop to wonder if she's
really worth all this trouble?

Serious? You guys talked me into this.
You said I had no choice. And we stand

that. If you really want to save your
marriage, this is the only way. But

only if you really want to save your
marriage. That's all Morris is asking

Did I ever tell you guys about the day
Marcy saved my life?

Gentlemen, I'm about to regale you
with... The greatest love story of all

I was a junior in college and Marcy was
just a freshman.

I was dating Catherine at the time.

It was our anniversary and we were
planning a nice romantic picnic.

I was going to bone her after the sun
went down.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hey, Dan.

Something came up.

So I don't think I'm going to be able to
meet you.

What do you mean?

What could be more important than our
four -month anniversary?

Um, I got a test tomorrow in French
class.

But you take Spanish.

I know.

That's why I study really hard.

But I promise to make it up to you,
baby, all right? But... You think he

suspects anything?

No, he's an idiot.

Get back to work.

Looking back, I suspect Catherine was
cheating on me at that very moment.

What? That's crazy.

Why would you think something like that?

And that's when I saw her.

I don't know if it was the way she wore
her hair that day or the lack of oxygen

getting to my brain.

I was mesmerized.

Honey, we're heading into New Year.

I thought today's your anniversary.

Where's my sister?

Catherine couldn't make it.

But I have all this food here.

Would you care to join me?

Sure, we'd love to.

So I wound up spending my entire
anniversary without my girlfriend.

And I couldn't have had a better time.

We talked.

We laughed.

We fed the old woman.

It was fate, really.

Someone upstairs knew that we were
supposed to be together.

And after that glorious day, I never
wanted to spend another moment without

Marcy.

Do you understand now why I have to save
my marriage?

I understand.

The story was fucking beautiful.

Made me believe in true love again.

Really? No, that story was gay. Hey!

Am I not gay bashing?

Some of us find it very offensive.

Why would some of us find that very
offensive?

Ike?

It's time to stop hiding.

Oh! Right. Yeah.

I'm gay. What?

Oh, yeah. Big time fact. Big time. Love,
uh, taking it.

Right in the old stink there.

Yeah, love a good fudge packing.

Yeah, yeah, big time crew.

Hello?

Really, it's totally the same, you know.
I mean, I fucked all my girls from

behind too, so no difference for me.

Mac? Hey, does Marcia like to be on the
top or the bottom? Because she strikes

me as a be in control, I like to be on
top kind of.

What the hell are you talking about?

Talking about your wife, Marcy. On her
way to my motel room right now as we

speak. Room 206 at the Hi -Ho Motel is
gonna be a -rockin'. I'm thinking I

even try my new move, the Mac and Two
Shatter.

Not sure why I divulge so much
information, but whatever.

This can't happen. Just make up an
excuse and send her away.

Hey, man, I thought you were gonna be
happy.

Look! I've been doing a lot of thinking,
and I think we should just call the

whole thing off.

You know what?

I gotta go. I gotta get into character.

Wait, no.

Back. Hello?

Hello?

Can you pull it out and wipe it off?

It's pretty much the same thing, guys.

So?

She's on her way back to Mac's motel
room.

All right.

Guys, you're going to have to find
another small forward.

Where's he going?

To ruin the one chance he had at saving
his marriage.

Hey, dude, are you really gay?

Oh, no, no, no. I just told Dan that so
he wouldn't get suspicious about me and

his mom.

I kind of lost my bag.

Oh. Hey, son. I mean, buddy.

You know, it's not as bad as it sounds.

Well, me and your mom, Mrs. Jacobs,
Nancy,

we're in love.

You're boning my mom?

Yeah, I am.

So you're not gay?

No.

You're just having trouble accepting
your lifestyle.

It'll blow it off my mind.

Well, that went pretty well.

Mac!

Magnum, I guess.

Am I too late?

Too late for what? I'm afraid I don't
know what you're talking about.

Stop messing around.

Look, the reason why I came down here is
because I changed my mind.

Well, that's great.

I'm very excited for you and your new
decision, but, um... I don't know who

are, so I'm going to ask you to leave me
alone. I'm expecting a very important

guest, so if you'll excuse me.

Look, Mac, I don't know what kind of
game you're playing here.

Oh, I see the problem.

Good. You obviously have me confused
with some guy named Mac. No, I get

for other people all the time.

What are you talking about? I'm not
mistaking you for anybody. You are Mac

McKenzie. I asked you to sleep with my
wife.

Oh, you must be Marcy's husband. Look,
man, first of all, my name is Ric Flair.

Stop with the skin -switching thing. You
met me a few days ago backstage at

Waterworld the musical.

Waterworld the musical?

That could actually work.

I'm sorry, but I've never seen you
before.

Mac, can you hear?

Listen, look, look, look. You're upset,
man. Your wife is cheating on you, and

it hurts.

I know.

I've been hurt, too.

Tennis elbow, shin split.

I can imagine that it's similar to an
emotional hurt.

Is your wife on a pill because condoms
just messed up my game?

You son of a bitch.

Oh,

dude.

That's a shame.

You know, a little help over here.

What's that?

Oh, that?

That's just my new pinky ring.

Yeah, I'm a pinky ring guy now.

Why, is that a problem?

No, I mean, it's fine if you want to be
a pinky ring guy.

I guess it's all right.

Well, maybe if I tried it on another
finger,

it would look better.

Are you?

Dear Marcy, your love is like a pile
driver to a senior citizen wearing

socks. Love, Ric Flair.

Marcy? In the living room.

How was your game, babe?

Usual.

Didn't play, huh?

What happened?

It's just a sprain. Nothing serious.

Marcy, honey, we need to talk. I'm going
to get a bandage. Just sit. Sit.

I think it's about time we

had a heart -to -heart.

What are you talking about?

What I'm trying to say is...

I know.

About everything.

You do?

I know you had an affair, and I don't
blame you.

You don't?

No, of course not.

You were set up.

If I hadn't cheated on you to begin
with, you wouldn't have been in that

situation. You cheated on me?

With who?

With Catherine.

And then Mike gave me this crazy idea
that if I could get you to cheat on

My sister?

She was supposed to tell me.

She was supposed to tell you?

See, after I had my affair, I asked
Catherine to sit with you.

I think you're a little confused here.

I'm the one who set you up with Mac.

Who's Mac?

Ric Flair!

I didn't sleep with Ric Flair.

So... You didn't go to Mac or Ric
Flair's motel room earlier today?

Yeah, I did, but I just went for floral
guidance.

I needed to know what kind of
arrangement says, I'm sorry I let

my muffin. Please forgive me.

I was planning on telling you everything
tonight.

I left the second he opened his robe and
started swinging his thing around.

I'm really confused right now. Who
cheated on who? And with whom did said

cheat with?

You slept with Catherine, and I slept
with Dale.

Who the hell, Dale?

Dale. Dale was, um, the stripper at my
bachelorette party.

Your bachelorette party? That was three
months ago.

I know, but I was really drunk, and I
thought he was you.

He had your same cologne, your same
crooked penis. All right, enough. I get

Why didn't you just tell me?

I guess for the same reason that you
didn't tell me.

Catherine gave me this whole thing about
evening the score, so I

faked a few headaches and asked
Catherine to seduce you.

So this whole time, the headaches, the
crabby behavior, the piercing, it was

a charade?

Yes. Except for the piercing, which I'm
actually starting to like. It's kind of

growing on me. I think I'm going to keep
it.

If anything, this just proves that we're
made for each other.

I mean, we both do anything to save our
marriage.

Because we love each other.

You still love me, don't you, Dan?

Yeah, you like that, you dirty little
girl.

Oh, yes!

Oh, yes!

What's that?

My cesarean scar from when I had Dan.

Oh, God, that's so hot. I just want to
lick it.

Oh, I'm going to come. I'm going to
come.

So how are things with you and what's
-her -face?

Sheila?

She left me.

Wanted to settle down, start a family.

Told her I wasn't ready to commit.

Hell, I don't even like kids.

No offense.

Well, none taken.

Look at us.

A couple of bachelors in our primes.

Dan, I want to tell you a story.

It's about a semi -retarded boy with an
odd handicap.

This boy was born with his head up his
ass.

Interesting.

Please, continue.

So this boy, let's call him Razmadula,
was

forced to go through life with his
brains operating from deep inside his

cavity. Your story intrigues me.

So, uh, Rasmadula was lucky enough to
find a wife.

However, one day, Rasmadula's wife made
a teensy tiny mistake

and cheated on her horse's ass of a
husband.

Wow.

What happened next?

Well, Rasmadula was unable to forgive
his wife.

even though he himself did the very same
thing.

In the end, Rasmadula divorced his wife
and spent the remainder of his

years trying to figure out a way to
remove his head from his backside.

This story sounds familiar.

That's because it's your story, you dumb
bastard.

But you said the guy's name was
Rasmadula.

That was just for story purposes.

Look, everyone knows how much you love
Marcy. Now, why don't you go home and

tell her?

I can't.

It's too late.

Too late?

What's too late?

Let me tell you about too late.

That over there. You are seriously as
hot as two 25 -year -olds. That's too

late. I'll never get back with your
mother because it's too late for me to

love you now.

Oh, I see.

That whole story you told me, that's
your story also.

You don't want me to make the same
mistakes you did.

You secretly wish you could get back
together with Mom.

Now I see.

You see dick.

I don't want to get back with your
mother.

You don't?

Hell no. Why would I want to do that?
I'm banging younger, hotter chicks now.

Get back with your mother.

That's a good one.

Get back with your mother.

Did you hear that?

I just can't even wait to get you alone.
I'm going to do horrible things to you

that aren't even legal in those states.

Oh, my goodness. Seriously, we're going
to violate so many laws.

Give me a call when you get tired of
this one.

I need to reevaluate my friendship with
him.

Inside of a different frame.

Life amounts to nothing but a lot of
times.

Would you mind waiting in the car?

What the fuck?

Marcy.

Welcome to my sanctuary.

Please, sit down.

I see you brought the papers.

I kept hoping that you would change your
mind.

I think this is what's bad.

I am so sorry for everything that...
Marcy, the reason I asked you to

come to Wings tonight is because I
realized I never invited you here in the

past.

There are a lot of things I didn't share
with you.

But I was afraid to confide in you.

And as a result, you were afraid to
confide in me.

No, Dan, really, it's all my fault. I...

Marcy, you cheated on me.

And I cheated on you.

I'd say that makes us about even.

I thought maybe we could try this again.

Do it right this time.

Oh, Marcy.

Will you marry me?

Again?

I love you.

I want you to come down to Roscoe's
right now.

Until I love you too.

My brother loves you too.

We gotta go home.

Right now.

No,

we should wait until our wedding night.

Oh, can I? Really?

It'd be so much more special.

Don't you think?

Yeah.

Leave us.

But I... God!

I hate you!

If anyone here sees any reason why these
two should not be joined in holy

matrimony, speak now or...

Mac,

they're just going around.

Who's Mac?

Right. Rabbi Greenberg, please.

Continue. Oh, I can't believe our little
Dan is getting married.

Again.

I can't believe my best friend came out
of the hottest pussy I've ever eaten.

You make us the bride.

Go, go.

I don't think it's physically possible
for me to wait any longer.

You're going to have to.

What are you talking about?

It's sort of my time of the month.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

I can't believe we're not going to have
sex on both our wedding nights.

I mean, what are the odds that you would
be... Dan, I'm just kidding.

Oh, you are going to get it.

You are really going to get it now.

I can do you one better.

Hi, Gil.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Won't let you know before it gets too
late About a man murdered his mother,

blamed it on fate But before Locke left,
there must have been some real good

crime Just let him out in two years'
time Four years of schooling, one

murderer Carry on your birthday, yeah
Feel

sorry to Mr. Walden, now you need a
supporter

All you need is this butter.

Butter.

Butter.

Jamie Loftus killed his mother because
he got jealous of her other

lover. And after that, indeed, in a
murderous fit, he stole the family car

and he drove it into a ditch.

Four years of schooling, one murder.

Carry all your burdens.

Stay outside of Mr. Warden. All you need
is a bottle.

Bottle.

Bottle.

July 22nd, you are the winner.

Shit. I'm just going to use that money
to get a massage and one of those, what

do you call when they flip you over and
they grab your joystick?

It's a happy ending.

Thanks. Yeah.

I like happy endings.