Original subtitles

Hey, guys.

Hey. The House of Dare is sending me on my very first job assignment.

Oh, that's great, Kim. And with the money they're paying me, I can finally

up for my own place.

I thought you liked living with your mama.

Would you like living with my mama?

I'll kick in a hundred.

So what's your assignment, Kim?

Assistant to the head stylist for the supermodel, Tracee.

Wow. Are you serious? Mm -hmm. I mean, she's like the finest woman in the

Yeah, it's a lot of my digits.

Oh, let me see that.

Thaddeus Radcliffe.

Musician. Entrepreneur.

Escort.

See, honey, the closest thing you've ever come to an escort is driving the

little green one in your mom's garage.

Hey. Hey. Well, I hope you three are ready for today's exam.

No, we're planning on getting an A.

Kim? Two out of three ain't bad.

Kim. You had two weeks to study for this. I know, but I was busy color

coordinating my nail polish to match my hair. I barely had time to read this

month. Bye.

Can I take the test another time?

Oh, certainly, certainly. And what time would be convenient for you?

Oh, yeah, let me see.

No, I can't do it then.

Oh, how about May 2005?

Why not?

I'm sure you'll still be here.

Hi, bye. Sorry, I can't say it'll brighten your day, but I gotta get to my

meeting with Terry Angela.

Oh, that writer you met last year? That's the one. Try not to miss me.

Uh, that was strange.

She didn't try to assault me.

Her eyes must be going.

Well, maybe they're getting better.

My big break.

You right, Puddin'. Could help launch your clothing line.

Girl, I know how exciting that is.

Are you sure you want to work with this woman? I hear she crazy.

Mama, I'm used to crazy.

I live with you.

Get over here.

Hi, Missy. Hey, Terry.

Hey, girl. It's been so long.

Come on in, girl. I cannot wait for you to see the menu I prepared for you.

All right. Here you go.

Nikki, I'm so glad you're catering my party. Girl, I'm not as glad as my

landlord, the gas company, or my cable service.

I really liked your last book, PMS, Pathetic Male Syndrome.

And I especially liked the part where Michelle tied Andrew to the hood of her

car and drove him through the car wash.

And he was still a filthy bum.

Girl,

you a cold piece of work. You know, I know this last book was a little bitter,

but you know what they say, when life... gives you lemons, throw them at the

bathroom.

Ain't that the truth. You know, I am so glad my boo and I have the picture

-perfect relationship.

Really?

Yes, absolutely. I mean, we are completely devoted to each other. Oh,

be fabulous.

It is.

Oh, and I got the stories to prove it.

Well, we should talk about them over lunch sometime. I remember this time we

stranded in the desert.

So now we share the same blood.

Nikki, you should consider writing a book.

Your stories are unbelievable.

I wouldn't know where to begin.

With page one.

Set a schedule for yourself and try to write one page a day. And before you

it, in a couple of years, you'll have yourself a novel.

You really think I can do it? Sure.

I'll even come back tomorrow to help you get started.

you finish this overnight.

Overnight? Girl, I'll finish before the 11 o 'clock news.

Well, I'll try to read it as soon as I can.

Thank you so much, Terry.

Girl, I am so excited.

When do you think you'll be done?

Well, hopefully before the end of the year.

Wow.

You know what, Stevie? Thank you for driving me down here and staying for

support. You're a great friend.

Kim, are you sure it's okay for me to be here? You are at work.

With all these people here, one more person's not gonna matter.

Get out!

And if one more person steps foot inside this house, I'm gonna shoot them!

Okay, if you need additional support, the cell phone's on. See ya.

Are you Kim Parker?

Maybe.

My name is Lily Brown.

I'm Tracee's head stylist.

Why are we whispering?

If she hears us talking, she will think that we are plotting against her.

Is she always like this? No. Then it's a good day.

Who is salting?

No one.

Who asked you, Daisy?

I thought you said your name was Lily.

Yeah, well, Lily, Daisy, they're both flowers.

you want to throw at my apple slice.

You, short girl, bring me that blue fabric.

Yes, yes.

That is much better.

What in the hell are you all staring at?

I'm not here to entertain you.

Nobody look at me.

How are we supposed to pin the fabric if we can't look at it?

My ashes are falling.

You did that on purpose. I'm so sorry. No, you're not. You were trying to

me with poison. You're fired.

Get out.

No.

Oh, damn.

Yo, leprechaun.

Can you sew? Yes.

Then you're my new dressmaker.

Me? Are you looking at me? Yes.

until he can no longer contain his manhood.

I don't think I can contain my lust.

Bet you, Andal, you don't know the meaning of love.

But I do know the meaning of corny.

Hey, baby.

Hey, Mama. Hey, Andal.

I'm going to bed.

Good night.

Kim, it's only four in the afternoon.

I know, but I got to be sitting at Trishay's bedside before she gets up in

morning. Why?

She says looking at my face makes her think about the less fortunate.

I'm glad I can make a difference.

Does she know that that girl is... I don't.

Okay.

Hello?

sitting here with the author of Detention and Desire, Nicky Parker.

It's been on the shelves a month, and already the buzz is terrific.

It's so romantic.

Is it based on a true story?

Well, the truth is, I was never a triage nurse in Vietnam.

But the hero of the story is based on an actual person.

My fiancé, Professor Stanley Ogilvie.

Really? And he's a professor at Harvard?

No, Santa Monica College.

The Harvard of the West.

And what does he think of his portrayal? Girl, he loved it.

My boo supports everything I do.

How dare you write a book about me without my permission?

It's not about you, boo.

Oh, really?

Then why is this character's name Ogilvy?

You think you're the only one in the world with that name?

Besides, his name is not Stanley.

It's Stanford.

Listen to me and listen good.

If you do not remove these books from the shelves immediately, I will get an

injunction to have them removed. After that, I will sue you for libel. Then I

will place you in front of a firing squad. They're planning to make an

figure out of you.

An action figure?

With a kung fu grip?

And you didn't hear this from me.

There's talk of a movie deal.

Really?

What do you think about Denzel playing you?

Don't you think he's a little old?

Here to see the professor.

My book?

Yes, it seems as though your book has made Boo a star.

And these are his groupies.

Over my dead body.

Uncle Andal, if the books aren't on the shelves, the women can't read them.

Then they won't know how wonderful my boo is.

Then they won't want to have sex with him.

Well, I read the book. I don't want to have sex with him.

Oh, hey, Shaq.

Andal, look who's here.

Hey, Shaq, what brings you by? You having trouble with the free throws

No, just with you.

Look, Nikki, we got a problem.

What'd Colby do this time?

Who told him about death?

It's not Colby. It's you.

Wait a minute. What'd I do?

My wife read your book. She's all on my back. She want me to be like this Ogilvy

guy.

What can I do?

You need to call and explain to her that Ogilvy is not real.

Oh, but he is real.

That's impossible.

I'm the only man that can go nine hours in the bedroom.

Yeah, you right, Shaq.

But he can go ten.

I just didn't want to brag.

I swear I got a hell of a list myself.

Yeah, well, do what you need to do. You don't put your hands up.

Don't do it. That's right.

Yeah. Yeah, we thought so. No, no, no, no, no.

Mama, what's wrong with Shaq? He almost stepped on me.

And he probably couldn't see you.

Baby, the question is, what's wrong with you? You look terrible.

Just say, she's wearing me down.

Try sad to see Kimberly. Oh, hi.

I'm Kim's mom. Nice to finally meet you.

It is, isn't it?

No, wait a minute.

We've heard so much about you.

Lies. All lies.

All right.

Oh,

there you are.

I have an emergency.

It's a hangnail.

Oh, is that all? I have a nail clipper in my purse.

No, no, no. I prefer to do it at my house.

Why?

Because your house makes me itch.

I'll be waiting in the limo.

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Kim, where are you going?

To work.

No, you're not.

Now, I didn't raise you to take that kind of abuse from anyone.

Now, didn't I tell you skinny bitches are evil?

Now, you pull yourself together.

You hear me?

And you go tell that overpaid mannequin where she can stick her hangnail. Mama,

this is an opportunity of a lifetime. I could be the next Donatella Versace.

Baby,

but what about your self -respect?

You're right, Mama.

Losing my self -respect is not worth a thousand a week.

A thousand?

A week?

Yeah. Go on, go read it.

I look amazing.

Oh, Kim, let me help you with that.

Oh, Kimberly, I have an itch. I'm busy.

Not anymore.

Right on the bridge.

I think the cook is trying to poison me.

If one of us has to die, shouldn't it be you?

That's it.

That's it. What makes you think you can treat me like your slave?

Hello. My signature at the bottom of your paycheck.

Oh, sweetie, I'd rather be broke.

You see, my mama taught me the meaning of dignity and self -respect.

So you can keep your funky paycheck.

Oh, and by the way, your name is not Tracee. It's Tracy, girl.

You're the first person to ever talk to me like that.

Are you sure? Because I got more.

Well, you know, I really do respect you for standing up to me that way.

Really? Because I thought you was going to fire me.

Oh, I am.

I mean, I can't have anyone I respect working for me.

But we can still be friends.

Okay. How much does that pay?

T -shirts.

T -cups. Yeah.

T -cups?

They were out of mud.

Hi,

if everyone could please quiet down. We'd like to get the book signing

Good afternoon. I know you are all anxious to meet the woman of the hour,

Without further delay, I would like to introduce you a very close friend of

mine.

Although you would never know... since she failed to mention me in her book.

you know, like everybody else I've ever known, she failed to mention me. Sorry,

everyone. This woman just wandered in.

Please welcome the author of Detention and Desire, Nikki Parker.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

I'd like to begin by reading an excerpt from my book.

From the moment we met, our eyes locked.

And the flames of desire rose in our loins like... Who cares?

Where's Uncle E?

Unfortunately, he couldn't be here today because of other obligations that he

had to fulfill.

Santa Bar.

But I know your tricks.

Nicky, your fans are dying to know. When's the wedding?

Wait!

Shaq, please stop following me. You're married.

This guy's a fraud.

He's a player. And I've got proof.

He's talking Nicky out.

Easy,

easy. Leather, leather.

Let's face it. You know, why would I settle for her when I can have any woman

want? I mean, I'm hot.

Right, ladies?

You don't mean that, boo.

Don't I?

I mean, why would I want to be with one woman when I can be with a different

woman every night?

I mean, that wouldn't be fair to all of you.

Don't you agree, ladies?

You suck.

I say let's turn these books into a bonfire.

They don't believe you, boo.

And perhaps you should kiss me to prove it.

I'll let them go.

Hey, Ms. Parker.

How's the new book coming?

Do I have a big part?

That's why I'm here, boo.

I seem to be on the little writer's block.

Oh, I am just like you.

What?

Oh. Huh?

How's that?

Oh, good for starting.

Is there anything else I can do to unblock you?

Well, I work better in the bedroom.

How about the balcony?

It's closer.

Oh.

Oh, that's so kinky. Do you think there's going to be enough room?

There will be.

Once I throw you off of it.

After that, I will sue you for

libel. And then I will place you in front of a firing range so that...