Original subtitles

Here you go. Here you go.

Don't leave without one. There you go.

This is for you, girl.

See you there.

Hey, y 'all. Hey.

So I'll see y 'all at my garage sale this weekend.

Rain or shine, right?

That wasn't a question.

Oh, yeah, I'm there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I thought. And y 'all bring

cash because I don't trust y 'all.

Would you guys like to join me for dinner at a country club tomorrow night?

Yeah. Good.

I am so glad you guys are coming. Now I won't be stuck with my mom and this

boring old rich guy she's been cruising around the world with.

On second thought, I'm busy.

Yeah, I'll pass.

No, no, no. Come on, you guys.

Look, I don't even want to meet the old geezer, much less have dinner with him.

Don't leave me alone with them, please.

If he's so old, maybe he'll croak before dessert.

Then you can go home early.

You and Al.

Now, I know I can get about $50 for this.

Girl, you can sell that coat 50 times and not get $50.

Well, I have more stuff that I keep in my other place.

What other place?

Back up off me, woman.

Boom. All you have to do is contribute a few things. No, I told you. There's

nothing in here that is garage sale material.

You could...

the family heirloom, you nimrod.

Okay, well, I guess you should keep it. We need to leave an inheritance for Kim

and little Stanley.

Okay, well, how about that? No, no.

This has been in my family for generations.

It belonged to my precious great -great -aunt Mildred.

And it's not for sale.

Oh, well, that's too bad.

because you could probably get 200 bucks for it. 200?

Mm -hmm.

Well, I never really liked her.

Guys, I am so sorry. I don't know where she is.

Punctuality is not my mother's strong suit.

And again, neither is motherhood.

Did you see that guy check you out?

He wasn't checking me out. Maybe he was checking you out.

Okay.

As long as he wasn't checking me out.

He's just trying to be polite, Kim.

Hurry up and talk to him before your mama and Nikita get here.

He is cute.

Ah, what the heck. I'm going to go for it. Yeah.

Now, careful, girl. Don't scare him off like you did me.

Hi. Hi.

Haven't seen you here before.

Oh, yeah? You come here often?

No, first time.

That's a nice outfit. Thank you.

Nice smile. Well, thank you.

Can I buy you a drink?

Oh, darling.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

Oh, that's okay.

Hi.

Stevie, I'm so glad you and William have met.

William! You're Stevie?

Wow, it's very nice to meet you. And please, call me Bill. Only Sophia calls

William.

Okay, great.

Kim, tea.

I'd like you to meet my mother's boyfriend, Bill.

Oh, hey. Hey, how you doing?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Stevie, I can't believe your mom is with Bill.

He's so young and foreign.

Get all that.

I want to know how I can start an Internet company, sell it for a gang of

and retire when I'm 25 like Bill.

You might start by getting a job.

Stevie, I still think you and Bill had chemistry.

That's just nasty, Kim.

Stevie's mama's man.

Yeah, T's right, Kim. Bill is totally into my mother. Oh, really?

Then why is he here?

Oh, my God. Okay, everybody just cool.

Hey, Stevie.

I've been looking for you.

Mm -hmm, mm -hmm.

We were just saying what a great time we had at dinner last night.

Well, me too, and I thought maybe that's why we could get together again.

Oh, goody, where are we going?

I meant Stevie and me.

be like that.

No, I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude. I just figured since Sophia was going to

be out of town this weekend that maybe you and I could get to know each other

better. How about lunch Saturday at the club?

Oh, what am I going to wear?

That's right. It's just you and Steve.

Yeah, lunch would be great.

Great. See you then. Okay. Take care.

Oh, he likes you.

It's just lunch, right?

Yeah, but I think he's more interested in dessert.

Bang, bang.

Hey!

Hey, girl, you look really good. What, nip top?

Mm -mm, lipo suck.

We brought a few little things to contribute to the cause.

Let me go sort through that. Okay.

Kim, what is this? What?

This is scary.

So,

Kim, I was just

telling my mother that she should stay in town. Nikki's garage sale is going to

be a lot of fun, right?

No, it won't. She should go.

Oh, honey, I can't miss the National Botox Convention.

They'll cut off my free injections.

Stevie's just nervous because Bill invited her to lunch tomorrow.

It'll be just the two of them, all alone, together, by themselves.

That would be nice.

Kim, could you and Stevie go get the rest of the stuff from your bedroom?

I'm busy. Kim?

Getting that stuff from my room. Come on.

So, uh, Stevie and Bill are going to lunch.

Yeah, isn't he sweet?

Yeah, you mean that young, handsome, young... man I've been hearing all

What are you saying?

Oh, nothing.

But, uh, did he tell you that we're going to lunch?

No, I'm sure it just slipped his mind.

Oh, okay, well, this is none of my business, but you're my girl, and I just

to warn you. Now, I saw something like this on the Young and the Hopeless.

Something like what?

Okay, girl, now listen.

Asmeralda, she brought home this young hottie, and before you knew it, her

daughter Blair and the young hottie was getting a freak on all...

the French River ever.

Now, you know, Stevie would never do anything like that. She hates the

It's not Stevie I'm worried about.

Now, men are weak.

See, I gotta check my boo all the time.

So, Phil, you need to do a little observing.

How? Well, there are ways, baby.

Tricks are the trade.

Well, what about my Botox convention?

Oh, you can go.

But that wrinkle -free face won't mean much without your man.

I'll be there at noon. Mm -hmm.

What? Wait a minute!

What?

Is this the apartment that promised the garage sale rain or shine?

Fool. Do you know it's four o 'clock in the damn morning?

Yeah, I overslept.

All the good stuff's probably gone by now, huh?

Well, can I come in? No!

It's really pouring outside.

Well, it's not pouring in the hallway before.

Hey, y 'all together?

All right.

Hey, what's up, y 'all? Hey, Nick, I got a couple things I want you to sell for

me. I'll come back in a few and pick up my monies. Peace.

All right, all right, let's do it.

Let's do it.

Hey,

I think you got this mixed up with the other stuff.

Oh, girl, some fool gave me this ugly thing a long time ago.

I probably can't give it away.

Well, I was that fool.

much like it. Merry Christmas, girl.

This would look great on my wife.

How much for it? For you?

A dollar.

What is this, mink?

What is going on here?

Baby,

that's for a woman. What is wrong with you?

How's it going, baby?

Mama, I can't believe you're making me sell all my good stuff.

Okay, well, when you find something good, I'll let you keep it.

Okay.

I see you've returned.

Now, look at the detailed engraving. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is it still $170?

Yeah, well, after re -examining the detailed engraving, it's

$175.

This is your first garage sale, isn't it?

Hey, and I have to go meet Sophia for a couple of hours. You're in charge.

of the agreement?

Girl, I know, so I'll give you 5 % of my earnings instead of 3.

Make it 20, or I'll leave Kim alone with all these strangers in your house.

Deal.

May I help you, lady?

Yes, we'd like a table, please. Are you members of our club?

No. Oh, then I'm sorry. We only serve members.

Well, girl, how much does it cost to join your club?

$100 ,000.

Damn, I don't want to buy your club. I just want to join it.

The membership office is right down that hall.

So then, why don't you just use Bill's name?

Then he'll find out I was here spying on him.

Good afternoon, Roundtree Country Club.

Oh, no, Mrs.

Farnsworth. Buffy and Missy haven't shown up.

Yes, we have.

They're here.

Very well.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry, ladies. I should have asked. Yeah.

Don't let it happen again.

Thank you.

Now, look.

The key to surveying your loved one's comings and goings. You mean stalking?

Girl, you make it sound so wrong.

I don't know about this, Nikki.

I trust Bill.

Well, I trust my boo, too.

But men are men, and you gotta check them every now and then.

Hello, Buffy, Missy.

I'm Delilah Farnsworth, and this is my ex -husband -slash -fiancé, Winston

Farnsworth.

I thought you two were sisters.

Yeah, uh, Dad was surprised, too.

I'm Buffy, and this is Missy.

You were a runway model.

It was a big runway.

We can't wait to hear your ideas.

About what?

The reason we're here.

Oh, Missy?

We think it's important to hear your idea first.

Well, I know that you two are the wedding planners, but I went ahead and

combined our first four weddings to help with the theme for our fifth.

You hate my idea.

I told you it was crap.

I'm due back. I don't know.

Well, I can't stay here all day. Unlike her.

Ready to come down on that vase?

Um, I'll come down $10 to a mere $165.

I'll give you a buck.

Sold.

Man, I made out like a fat cat selling my junk.

At first I thought it was a bad idea, but with the money I made...

I sold my great -aunt's vase. All right!

Well,

let's see. If I take the money that I made from that and subtract the cost of

the imported cheeses, the select crackers, the wine, caviar,

exotic fruit... Well, I'd say I...

I lost $400 on this damn garage sale!

And I'm a...

Third honeymoon.

Winston almost got blowfish poisoning.

Are you two listening?

No. Now shut up.

You know, I have to admit, I was a little hesitant about meeting with you

Why?

Kim's been watching a lot of The Young and the Hopeless.

And you thought that I wanted to run off with you to some exotic island?

How'd you know?

I'm retired.

My days are free.

They're laughing.

Can we get back to planning our wedding, please?

You know, if you put more time into your marriage instead of your wedding, you

wouldn't need to plan a fifth wedding.

She does have a point.

Oh, shut up, you old coot. Hey, you're no tenderoni yourself.

He's moving in. Hold still a second. You have a piece of lint in your hair.

Your hair is really soft.

Oh, thank you. I condition once a month with mayonnaise.

Really? You think that'll work in my hair? It's so dry.

Really? It doesn't look like it? Come here, let me feel.

Look at her.

That hoochie.

It's my daughter.

I don't know how I let you talk me into this wedding.

Then stop proposing.

I was fine with just the alimony.

Are you winking at me?

No, I think I have a lash in my eye.

Here, lean over. I'll get it.

Oh, no.

Nothing. Get her.

And in public?

Stevie?

You go to your room, Mom.

Sophia, what are you doing here? I thought you were out of town.

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Then you can get away with your thick,

twisted fantasy.

Who are you?

The question is, who are you?

Mom, this is not what it looks like. You shut up, you hoochie.

Buffy, Missy, we won't be needing your services after all. We are calling off

the wedding.

I'm sorry.

I'm not.

Thank you.

Who are Buffy and Missy? You don't change the subject.

How could you cheat on me like this?

And hitting on my daughter, no less.

Sophia,

how can you think that? Don't try it.

I thought with my own eye. Yeah.

Her eyes might be a little puffy from her wreath and nip -tuck, but mine are

fine and I feel it.

I don't know what you think you saw, but the real reason I asked Stevie here was

because I wanted to get her opinion on this.

Before I asked you to marry me.

Oh, my God. It's beautiful.

Cut, princess.

Color yellow.

Clarity.

you were strapping.

Bill, the drink is beautiful. Can I touch it?

Okay, seriously?

Who are you?

Look, you guys, it's just been one big misunderstanding.

Mom, don't let this ruin your happiness.

He really loves you.

And Bill, only a woman who truly loved you would make such a fool out of

herself.

Right, Nikki?

How would I know?

I never had to chase a man.

I love you.

Would you please give me another chance?

I love you, too.

Well,

if you're Missy and Buffy Carrington, who are they?

Uh, y 'all enjoy your lunch. We gotta run.

Hey, Kemp. I came to get my platter. I, um, I cleaned and polished it for you,

Lou.

Get away from me.

You owe me $400.

I lost my shirt at that garage sale.

Oh, that kind of talk gets me hot.

Oh, that guy was at our garage sale.

Yeah, that's the guy that bought my Aunt Mildred's vase.

So you bought this vase for $1.

Do you have any idea of what it's worth?

50 bucks?

Are you ready for this?

Try $150 ,000.

I'll go get the smelling salt. That's okay, baby.

I'll do mouth to mouth.

I'm cool.

I'm cool.