Original subtitles

Kim? What are you doing?

Well, I was trying to memorize the answers to my test, but Spongebob keeps

popping up in my head.

I'm worried about my boo.

We haven't been communicating lately.

Well, maybe if you'd stop reading his mail.

Or sneaking into his apartment.

Hey, professor.

Don't talk to me. Don't touch me. Don't even breathe near me. Okay, but you

didn't say I couldn't hug you.

Let go of me.

Grape nut.

Boo, wait.

Wait, now, we haven't been talking much lately, and you've really been edgy.

Now, first of all, we just needed a break. Break?

Yes, yes, yes.

Forever.

Then I thought what we need is couple therapy.

We are not a couple.

See, you're in serious denial.

No, no, therapy, it would be good for us. Now, I have a friend who just said

saved her marriage.

Now, come on, but we could use a little help. Look, the only one who needs help

is you.

So go for it.

Hurry up and schedule that therapy session, baby. I'll be looking at the

Mama, there's three people in the room. Why do they call it couples therapy?

Well, at least your math is getting better.

And they're horrible.

I told you not to wear that Louis Vuitton outfit. You look like a giant

suitcase.

Well, look here. You can see a white lady and her kids in the background.

Wait a minute. That's no lady. That's Michael Jackson and his kids.

I can't be.

Oh, you're right.

And look, they aren't wearing any masks.

Those are his kids?

At least one of them should have his old nose or a little color.

How can you get Michael Jackson in our picture? Hey.

It was an accident, but a profitable one.

You know how much money we can get if we sell this to the tabloids? T, it is

always about money with you. What about their rights?

Celebrities deserve their privacy, too.

You know what? Sometimes you disgust me.

Well, my friend sold a picture to the National Tattler and made enough money

buy a bin. Okay, come on. I'll drive. You guys go ahead. I'm going to study.

Officer, this woman ran the stop sign and hit my car.

Officer, excuse me, but I have to let my heart slow down. The doctor said it was

just a matter of time. See, I'm 90, you know.

You remind me of my nana.

Oh, thank you.

Well, officer, this gentleman...

I'm Mrs. Stanley Ogilvie, his wife.

Why do you keep saying that, you psycho?

Hey, fella, you talk to your wife like that, you should think about counseling.

Okay, look, officer, I swear, this woman ran the stop sign, and I have a witness

who saw the whole thing. Go ahead, Ms. Parker, tell him what happened.

Um, I'm not sure I remember.

Yes, you promised to go, too.

Couple's therapy.

Hell no!

Officer, I didn't see a thing.

All right. Driver's license, registration.

Baby oil and a Luther CD?

I don't even want to know.

Why? It goes for the professor.

I want to try and loosen him up.

Why?

You got him tied up?

No, silly.

He slipped from a car accident.

I tried to rub him down earlier, but he wasn't in the mood.

So he's in the mood now?

He will be, with a little help from Remy Red.

What you going to do, hit him over the head with him?

I was hoping we could catch that new DeZell movie.

What's the name of it? It don't matter. He in it.

Nah, I can't go, girl. I gotta go see the professor.

See, we going through something.

And I gotta stay close to home.

Kim! I'm gone!

You have company!

Hey, guys.

Hey. I got the money from the picture. Ooh, ooh, ooh. How did we do?

Well, it's not as much as we thought, especially after it's split three ways,

but... Well, as long as I get my hair.

The publisher at the Tattler said we can make some real money if we got a

picture of J -Lo.

Right, like we're just gonna run into Jennifer Lopez.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Shaquan's godmother -baby -daddy -cousin used to be her assistant.

I'll just call her and ask her where she hangs out.

Are you sure she'd know how to find her?

How do you think everybody found out about Kobe and that girl?

Let's go, let's go.

Hey,

girl.

Hi, Professor.

You like my new outfit?

Yeah, well, there's a lot of it.

It's all for you.

And I was just on my way to my appointment.

I'm glad I caught you.

Oh, well, you caught me at how long?

Five years ago.

Yeah, well, look, I need you to call my insurance company. They think the

accident was my fault.

Well, it wasn't. That crazy old woman hit you.

That's what I told them. So I need you to call the insurance company and tell

them what happened so I can clear this thing up.

Are we going to therapy?

No. Okay, well, then I'm not calling.

Come on, Ms. Parker. I can't believe you're not going to call when you know

going to help my case.

And I can't believe you won't go to therapy when you know it's going to help

relationship.

We do not have a relationship.

Love affair, romance engagement, whatever you want to call it.

Ms. Parker, the insurance company is threatening to drop me.

See? I'd never drop you.

You are a part of me for life.

All right.

I'll go to your stupid therapy.

Just make the call.

Thanks, Bull.

Okay, I'll call you as soon as I'm coming from the car. Let's go.

I thought you said you had an appointment.

We do.

Our therapy session starts in 15 minutes.

Welcome to Stacey's Day Spa. May I help you?

Hell yeah.

I like your digits and a private massage.

Yeah. We'll get back to you later.

Are you sure she's here?

Yeah.

Shaquan's godmother, baby daddy, cousin's staying.

J -Lo's here every Thursday around this time.

All right, cool.

Let's check out the walkie -talkie feature on your cell phones.

Check one, check two. Yep, this one works.

Kim, do you hear me?

Of course I...

Check the cameras.

Make sure they're ready to shoot.

It works all right.

All right, split up.

I'll split through the salon area.

Kim, you go to the pedicure room.

Stevie, you go to the choir room. And we'll meet in the lobby in about 30

minutes, all right? All right.

I'm sorry. He was a codec moment.

I want to thank you both for coming. Look, I'm only here because she made me,

and now I'm ready to go.

Uh, remember that little phone call I made?

I can make another one.

Damn.

Well, most couples do have issues they need to work through.

We do not have issues. We're not married.

I know. You're engaged.

Well, we haven't set a date yet, but, girl, the wedding's gonna be big.

There will be no wedding.

Come here, Stanley.

See, that's what I'm talking about, Doctor. He gets in these moods.

I understand, Nikki. You know, sometimes you just have to talk it through.

So, Stanley, tell me, does your lack of feelings have anything to do with your

failing sexual performance?

Failing? We only had sex once.

Bingo. There's your problem.

You know you're right.

Maybe I should initiate more.

Good idea, you know. Take some of the pressure off a lover boy.

All right, all right. This is ridiculous.

I can't even believe you got me here.

Well, now, with a temper like yours, she should have brought you here sooner.

He hasn't hit you, has he?

Oh, girl, hell no. He ain't crazy now.

I just love him, and I want us to make this work.

Well, hang in there, Nikki.

A real man will appreciate a good woman like you.

Okay, now, back to your sexual dysfunction.

Kim should have been here 20 minutes ago. Well, I think we better go find

Wait a minute. Is that J -Lo?

Where? I think that's her over there.

Follow that booty.

Yeah, she want that away.

Well, did you at least take her picture? Hello?

Wet nails?

She gone?

Yeah, girl, I'm back.

Ow!

Nikki Stanley, it's been my experience that role -playing allows couples to

express their innermost feelings.

So I want to start with you, Stanley.

You pretend to be Nikki.

You are the most beautiful, loving, sexiest woman I know.

And without you, I am nothing.

Will you marry me? All right, all right.

I would never say that.

Stanley, please don't break character.

I'm being misrepresented here.

You know, you are harboring a lot of hostility. You need help, maybe even

medication.

I bet you were a bed wetter.

I was not.

What age are we talking about?

It doesn't matter. What does matter is that we get to the root of your

hostilities.

She is the root of my hostilities.

Stanley, why don't we explore the relationship between you and your

Good idea. Come sit down. I thought that was crazy.

So tell me, Stanley, did your parents fight?

Of course they did. They were married.

Were you a latchkey kid?

Yes.

Yes, I was.

And I hated it.

My brothers got to go outside and play when I stayed in the house and cleaned.

So how did that make you feel, Stanley?

Mad.

Depressed.

And what did that lead to?

I ate a lot.

And you became fat.

Yes.

So you stayed in the house and you ate cookie, candy, burgers. Yes, yes.

And as a fat and bothered child, what made you the angriest, Stanley?

They made me.

They made me. Come on, Stanley. Say it. Say it. They made me.

a girdle oh oh oh professor oh suck it up stanley look

your past is affecting your present relationship with nikki and she's the

thing that has ever happened to you excuse me quietly and this is important

stanley what you need is a good woman And this woman has stood by your side

relentlessly. Yes, I have. If anything, you don't deserve it. She's too good for

you. All right.

Now, wait a minute.

I feel like you're taking sides now.

And that's not fair.

Fair?

What's not fair is when you stand by someone's side through thick and thin

you put them through law school while you have to work two jobs and maintain a

home and then come home and have to wash their dirty drawers. Oh, I think our

time's up. Shut up, Eugene.

This is important.

I'd work and then I'd have to come and cook over a stove every single night. I

even ironed his socks.

And then he takes off and he leaves me for some fake...

I want this marriage to work.

I can't believe we paid her masseuse all that money and she gave us the wrong

room.

T, it was a dollar.

That's what I'm saying.

Kim, where have you been?

We called you ten minutes ago. I'm sorry.

My cell phone fell in the hot tub.

Well, J -Lo hasn't left yet. I just saw her Bentley in the parking lot. Thank

you!

Six o 'clock honey body scrub.

Kim, that costs $200.

Oh, let's go.

Wait, wait, wait.

What about the robe? Oh.

Got that picture of Jello?

Now, aren't you glad you went to see Dr. Shepard? Yes, yes, and I'll be even

happier when I see her this weekend.

Oh, will you schedule another therapy session?

No, I scheduled a session of fun in the sun. We're going to Las Vegas.

Thanks, Miss Parker. I really do feel much better.

Can you believe that hussy?

Now, she was supposed to be giving him emotional healing, not sexual healing.

Mama, I need a ride home.

Well, hurry up.

Mr.

Parker, the insurance company is planning to

drop me.

See, I never drop you.