Original subtitles

Hey, T.

T, what you reading? Oh, I just picked up this book about black cowboys. Now,

they were the real OGs. Check this out.

Doesn't this outlaw look just like Professor Ogilvie?

That me, T.

Wow, it really does look like the professor.

Maybe it's an old picture of him.

T, you mind if I borrow your book sometime?

No, I'll take it now. We've got rehearsal.

Okay, y 'all.

All right, Puddin', see you later. Bye.

And I always thought it was the wild, wild white wet.

Howdy, stranger.

Welcome to Blacktown.

Give me a whiskey.

Read the sign. No drinking, no gambling, no spitting, no guns, no nothing.

Says who?

The sheriff.

Well, then, uh, give me a nine -fat mocha frappuccino, no phone.

You got a six, hombre? No way.

Go fish.

Read them and weep. I'm out.

I think that card was marked.

You calling me a cheater?

Here comes the sheen.

Look!

See? That's exactly why I don't allow guns in town.

Now, come on. I'm going to vote for you in jail.

I ain't going nowhere.

Me neither.

Oh, okay.

Okay. No problemo.

Yeah, this town used to be a real hellhole before Sheriff Parker got here.

Killing, thieving, nose -picking.

Yep, those were the good old days.

Yeah, yeah.

Girl,

we gotta do something.

Well, those days are behind us now.

Maybe not, my crestfallen harlot.

Let's see how the sheriff deals with the professor.

The professor? Why, he's the smartest, fastest guy.

If anybody can get this town back to the godforsaken place it used to be, it's

him.

All right, buckaroos, who can tell me what three plus three is?

Junie? What's three plus three?

Six.

Junie, Junie, Junie. Class, what's three plus three?

Nine. Oh, that's right.

Junie, you're going to need some tutoring. Well, that's all for today.

trails.

Uh, well, I'm not the Marion type. See, I'm more of the heroic loner kind.

What about Miss Sandell?

You already said no.

Well, uh, what about Stevie?

She's not exactly unexplored territory.

Well, there's always the next town.

Crackerville?

I'm going to go strap on my guns.

Where's the pocket? You're looking at it.

I can't believe it. After all I've done for this town?

Well, they're nothing but a bunch of spineless prairie dogs.

The professor just shot J .R.

Now they're headed this way.

Well, Woody, it looks like it's just you and me.

It's just me to fight against the professor and his gang all by myself.

You must be the professor.

And you must be the little lady who hired me to kill the... Oh, it's Naomi

Ilkay.

For shizzle my nizzle.

Where's your gang?

Right here.

That's it?

He's only paying minimum wage.

Well, that's the sheriff over there. She doesn't allow any guns in town.

No one takes my gun as long as I'm alive.

Tell you what.

You look like a strong, steadily law -abiding cowboy.

If you promise not to use them, I'll let you keep your guns.

Sure. We promise.

Right?

Cross my heart and hope you die.

Good. I know you're going to need a place to stay. There's a hotel down the

street. I recommend room 227.

Why?

Because that's my room.

I'll just clean up a gun.

I knew he was the one.

From his hat to his boots, it's one for me.

And I'm ready to give him my all.

I'm Kid T.

Kitty? Isn't that a girl's name?

No, not Kitty.

Kid T.

You don't hear too good, do you?

Just call me Kid. Now, I was wondering if maybe you could teach me to read and

write.

I can try, but I barely know how myself.

But you're a teacher.

Oh, they're kids. They don't know any better.

back and close up the bank. See you at dinner?

Yeah, okay,

my little pork and beans.

Not in public.

Yes, sir.

I got that big filly wrapped around my finger.

Oh, well, let's count our money. Yeah, let's split it up.

Okay, I'll just go sit at the piano.

Not so fast, Miss Sandell.

I've changed the arrangement.

You're out, and I'm in. From now on, Blacktown and everything in it belongs

to me.

The land of the real.

Just washing your horse.

And doing it.

Do you have any dirty laundry?

I'm wearing it.

Okay, well, I guess I'll see you back at the hotel.

Not while I'm working.

Looks like you had a good night.

Yeah. I came up with this idea where I sit on guys' laps and sort of dance

around a little. And they give me tips. Crazy, isn't it?

for a job.

I'll give you what you really want.

Another hired head to take care of that double -crossing professor.

He's about to meet his match.

You sent for a woman? Not just any woman. That's Jean

Taltry. Jean Taltry? She's the hottest woman in the West.

My plan is to get her to seduce the professor and get him to leave town.

And that'll break Nikki in two, and all this'll be mine.

You really think that'll work?

Well, is anybody in here gonna buy me a drink?

What's a fair -skinned filly like you doing in Blacktown?

Affirmative action.

I got a few things that I want to do. Oh, this is a rant to let you down. A

of my tricks that make you think. Oh, I'm all you want.

I'm all you need. I'll make it sweet for you and me.

Oh, oh.

Now, what I'm going to do is put you under the spell and seduce you.

Saddle up on three, one, two, three.

Here,

my bad seat.

them myself.

Listen, my darling, I packed our bags and I got us tickets for tomorrow's

stagecoach.

Now go back to the room and wait for me.

But first, go buy me something nice.

Mind if I steal it?

Rocks and stones may break my bones.

Well, let's see what lead does to you.

Now meet me back here at sundown, and you better be strapped. Ask him about

Go ahead.

Draw. No.

You draw first.

I'm the good guy.

But I'm fast.

Only with the booty.

Let's settle this like a real cowgirl.

What you mean? Hold down?

Who you calling a hoe?

Give us some room.

Put your hands in the sky. Moving around.

Bounce. Shake it. Turn the ground.

Feet to the floor. You're doing it now. What's on your head? You can break it

there. Work that booty.

But don't break that booty.

Work that booty.

But don't break that booty.

Put your hands in the sky. Moving around. Bounce. Shake it. Turn the

You need a float? You don't? Now?

What's on your now? You can break the damn something.

Time for me to clean up this town. You're under arrest.

I can't go to jail.

Do you know what they do to pretty looking cowboys like me?

Can't we work something out?

I now pronounce you man.

having this dream.

What did I do?

You woke me up too damn soon. That's what you did.

Hey, T.

Thanks for the book, baby.

Hey, glad I can help school you.