Original subtitles

Electric, $125.

Yeah, $82.

Him and her hair, $195.

Kim! Sorry, Mama, but I needed new hair.

Why don't you take handouts?

Hers is falling out anyway.

No, no, I needed good hair.

Well, at least I don't have to put my hair on that way.

I've got to figure out a way to come up with more catering business.

Why don't you advertise on cable like I told you? I'll check into it.

You got $3 ,500?

Yes, and I plan on keeping it.

Don't worry, Mom. I'll help you with the commercial.

Where would you get that kind of money?

Oh, I don't have any money. I mean, I'll star in it. My fee is $1 ,500.

Just enough to pay for your hospital bill.

And, uh, why won't you lend me the money?

It's simple. Unlike the scarecrow, God gave me a brain.

See, I'd ask the professor, but I don't like to mix money and romance.

Then there shouldn't be any problem.

You know, this is my last week wearing one. Next week I'm getting transferred.

The company's sending me undercover.

The mall.

Oh, I love the mall. Maybe we can do lunch sometime.

Yeah, but how will you know me?

I'll be undercover.

It's a good word.

It's a good word.

Call me.

Mm -hmm.

Ms. Parker, I just got a few questions. for you to see if you qualify.

So exactly how much are you looking to borrow?

How much you got?

More than you.

But the bank does have assets totaling over $2 million.

Well, that should do it.

Okay,

this ought to be quick.

Every year, Miss Parkins, what do you make? $25 ,000, $50 ,000, $75 ,000? Ooh,

slow your roll, Mr. Barnes.

You're going the wrong way.

So let me ask you another useless question.

Do you own a home?

No.

Ms. Parker, let me get this straight. You do not own a home. You don't make

money.

Ms. Parker, what do broke people like you... actually use for collateral?

My husband.

Well, two -income family does change things dramatically.

He doesn't look too happy.

He's a little upset with me.

I was tired this morning, so we only made love three times.

Ms. Carr, please.

That is just way, way too much information for what we're trying to do

Now, if you could please get your husband over here. I have a few personal

questions to ask him. Like, for example, his social security. 1 -2 -1 -0 -0 -4

-2 -4 -2. And his annual income.

$52 ,640.

He's eight. Thirty -nine, six foot two, and 180 pounds of all man. His favorite

color is blue, but he's allergic to shrimp. And he likes to rain, but not

getting wet. And he cries doing reruns of different strokes at damn Willis.

Um, he is married?

Well, I fetch personal questions against the law.

Well, I just noticed that you weren't wearing a wedding ring.

Oh.

That's because we're very spiritual people. We don't spend our money on

like wedding rings. We use that money to plant trees in Africa.

Over in Africa?

Yeah.

Well, I just got one more question for you. Do, please, by all means, take your

time. Don't rush it, because this one is rather important.

Do you even know the man?

Of course I do.

Professor!

Professor!

Miss Parker, you call your husband Professor?

Not always.

Sometimes I call him Superman.

Superman.

See, that's another one of the games we play. He likes to play hard to get.

ten miles out of my way to come here.

The parking stinks, the service is terrible, but at least I thought I

have to run into you.

You know you can't get away from me. Leave me alone.

Loon.

Mr.

Barnes, he said go ahead with the loan.

I will teach this bank a lesson it will never forget.

You're going to be sorry.

You're going to be sorry when I take all my money up out of here.

Oh, you're going to put all your money up out of here. That's what I said. Let

me help you pull it out right now.

Here's your 20. Get out and watch it.

Yeah.

Don't mess around and pull it back enough.

You're not funny.

You're not funny. You're Steve Harvey looking like he got more hair right

We're not together.

Hey,

Charlie, I'll be right back. I'm going to run across the street to my bank.

Does this line ever move?

I feel like I've been here forever.

Be thankful. At least you don't have to wait with your face in someone's butt

for 20 minutes.

I like it here. It's very homey. They don't have that thick glass between you

and the tellers.

Next.

Look, I can always go on a break.

I'm right here.

All right, who said that?

He did.

Come on. Put me down. I can do this myself.

I'm just trying to help out.

In that case, this is a holdup.

Okay, good idea. You go first. Okay.

Hey, hey, here, here, here you go.

Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt.

If you give up now, they'll probably go easy on you. It's not over.

Come here.

officer at the bank.

Mr. Barnes, please describe your initial encounter with Ms. Parker.

Well, she was just a big liar.

Tried to fool me at the bank. Tricked me out of some money, but I wasn't going

for it. I'm too smooth for that.

Did you sense that she was dangerous?

Dangerous? No.

Crazy? Yes.

But I wasn't scared of her.

No, no, not me. And I'd go back in there right now, but the police won't let me.

But I will tell you who is scared of her.

Go ahead.

Her husband.

And then she had to call him the professor.

You could just look at him and know he ain't know a damn thing.

footage taken from the bank security camera.

I'm going to teach this bike a lesson they'll never forget.

Yeah,

yeah, we see it.

This is awful.

I know.

I told her not to wear that outfit.

Okay, thanks, Embell. Bye.

Oh, look, there's the bank security guard now.

Excuse me, can you tell us what happened in there?

Uh, sure.

That's my new man.

My first thought was for the safety of the customers.

But that's the way we were trained in part -time security and car wash

cooperating.

So how did you go about protecting them?

I ran out to get help.

That's not training.

That's just good instinct.

My baby's a hero.

We better go down there.

Right. It's our chance to be on TV.

Okay, Professor, pick up the phone.

Hello?

No, I'm not her husband.

Who may I say is calling?

It's for you, Ma.

What? Give me that phone.

Listen, coppers, this is Frank Osgood, and I'm the boss of this operation.

Got it?

Okay. Demands.

I didn't think about demands.

Just tell them you want a chopper to the airport and a jet waiting, and then

you'll set all of us free.

Yeah, yeah.

I want a chopper to the airport with a jet waiting, and then I'll... Wait,

wait.

Don't forget about your $5 million wire to a Swiss bank account.

Can I ask for that? That's an awful lot of money.

I think it's pretty standard for bank robbers. Yeah, go ahead. Oh, okay,

Hey, if I have to start shooting, you go last. Oh, great.

Now, before I free any of the hostages, I want five million wired to a Swiss

bank account.

Did I forget anything?

Well, I would like tickets to the Lion King.

And two tickets to the Lion King?

Orchestra or mezzanine? Orchestra. You're not going.

Then you're not going.

Forget the tickets.

I can't believe it. Now I'm going to have to catch it in Bakersfield.

That's my mom in there. I need to talk to her.

Bring her down here. Give her the bullhorn.

Maybe hearing her daughter, she might give up.

have a few words with you, please?

It's kind of a bad time right now. I don't know if you've heard, but my mom

in there robbing a bank.

The entire city knows.

And that's why we want to ask you a couple of quick questions.

Okay, but I wasn't in on the actual planning. That's okay.

We're here with Ma Parker's daughter, Kim.

Tell us, Kim, what was your mom like growing up?

Was she violent?

No, she never laid a hand on me.

Well, maybe a belt. Or a unicorn.

Or a chair.

Other than that, I don't have a bad word to say about my mom.

Thank you for that insight, Kim.

With us now is a personal friend of the notorious Ma Parker.

Tell us, did you ever think she was capable of something like this?

Uh, well, I knew Nikki... Uh, sorry, Ma, needed money.

But I never thought she'd rob a bank. I mean, it's funny. We come from the same

humble beginnings, you know.

I got this. Some of us turn to a life of crime while others open a slamming

restaurant with some of the best food you've ever had.

That's Ann Dales with two L's. And thank you, Ann Dales with two L's.

Let's get some more reactions, huh? Can you believe my so -called family and

friends? Where do I get out of here?

If they make this into a movie, I hope Winona Ryder plays me.

I think she would be more comfortable playing the robber.

That was the worst gas attack I've ever had.

Spicy foods in the fridge.

Uh, Frankie, let me ask you something.

Why are you doing this?

For the money. Why else do people rob a bank?

You seem like such a nice guy.

Yeah, nice guys always finish last.

When you're my size, nobody takes you seriously.

Can't get a decent job.

Even my wife doesn't respect me.

You're married?

I was.

But then Lana left me.

Oh, I'm sorry, Frankie.

Me too.

My Parker.

I mean, Mickey Parker.

Yes.

Pepperoni will be fine.

Look, Frankie has a wife, Lana.

I think if you get her down here, maybe she can talk him out of this.

Good pizza, Frankie.

One of your better demands.

Frankie, we have your wife out here and she wants to talk to you.

We're going to send her in.

Oh, no.

I don't want my little dumpling to see me like this.

That's your wife?

Yeah. Damn.

You the man.

Frankie, what are you doing?

I just wanted to get some money so I could buy you the nice things you

And then maybe you'd respect me. I told you, it's not things I care about. I

care about you.

And I've always respected you.

Then why did you leave me? Because you're driving me crazy about this whole

height thing.

You don't trust me to love you just as you are.

Frankie, looks like you're the one with the issues.

I just wanted to give her everything.

I think you already have.

I love you, dumpling.

I love you, schnookums.

Frankie, if she's willing to give it another shot, are you willing to change?

I'm willing to change, except for one thing. What's that?

I'm going to jail.

I'll wait for you, Frankie.

Frankie, give me the gun.

Come on.

Let's go.

Here's my number in case you need anything while you're waiting, you know.

So, how much do I get for a reward?

Ten, twenty, fifty thousand?

So are we getting a reward?

No. They're sending me a free keychain.

Ooh, can I have it?

Who's that?

That's my real reward.

Oh.

Uh, Ms. Parker, I just got a call from the bank saying our loan has been

approved.

They work fast.

Stay out of my personal affairs, Fruit Loop.

Don't be mad, boo.

We'll just deduct it from our joint tax return.

You know what?

I would have been better off in jail.

harley wannabe you ain't the original king of nothing