Original subtitles

Kim, Alan called right after you left. What did he say when he'd be coming

Does he miss me?

He said he'll be home in a couple of days.

So how's everything going with Alan at the fat farm?

Yeah, did he say how much weight he's lost?

No, but he's down to dinner.

Hey, guys.

Hey. I need an update on the mentoring fundraiser.

Well, my daddy, your father -in -law, definitely agreed to perform, and

mom is going to do her stand -up comedy routine.

Oh, great.

And Freestyle Unity is definitely going to rock the house. Great, great. And I'm

going to dazzle the crowd with my magic act.

Professor, how long have you been doing magic?

Well, I've been taking this Internet course for two weeks, and they just sent

my certificate of completion. I'm ready.

Boo -ah!

I didn't know you were a magician.

Let me see your wand.

It gets lonely out there on the road. You sound just like my mom.

She's on the road a lot, too. She's a comedian.

Is that my grandpa?

I love that new hairstyle.

But I'm not finished.

Good, because I just lied to you.

I'm going to take a nap, so I won't begrouch you later.

I'll get that.

Mama, maybe you should take a nap, too. Yeah.

I'll help you fix the road.

thinking what I'm thinking? Mm -hmm. Your daddy's luggage sure is raggedy.

No, not that.

My daddy, your mama, he's lonely, she's lonely.

Hey, good idea.

Hey,

Nikki, is Kim home?

Yeah. May I tell her who's there?

Nikki, it's me, Alan.

Big Alan?

Let me see some IDs.

Where's the rest of you?

It's at the platform.

It works wonders. You guys should try it.

No, thanks.

My boo likes a little meat on my bones.

Yeah, because it slows you down when you're chasing him.

Good, because I love you too, Kim.

Alan?

Oh, you look like a different person.

So glad to see you. Oh, I can actually get my arms around you.

Alan, can I get you something to drink, baby?

Uh, sure. You got any wheatgrass, soy milk, or unfiltered apple juice?

Uh, no.

How about a Yoo -Hoo?

Oh, no way. You know what's in a Yoo -Hoo? High -fructose corn syrup and lots

calories. Ooh, I'll take these.

There's a place at the mall where we can get a much healthier drink. And then we

can get some donuts.

And I was thinking, it's such a nice day, I thought maybe we could walk

of drive.

You didn't bring your car?

No, I drove.

With your feet?

Come on, Kim, it'll be fun. Get them knees up.

I said get them up, Kim.

But they don't go any higher.

Uh, why are there four plates?

And Del's mama's in town, and I thought it might be nice if... No, no.

Don't tell me this is some kind of setup.

Okay, I won't tell you. But that's what it is.

Come on, Mama.

And Del, this is silly.

Nicky's father's a really nice guy.

Then why isn't he married?

Why aren't you married?

Hey, Nicky. Hey, Carl.

you doing, sweetie?

Hey, Anna.

Carmen, this is my father, Quincy.

Daddy, this is Carmen.

Nick, everything smells so good.

That's because it is good.

Come on, y 'all, let's eat.

Come on.

Oh, thanks,

Mom.

Quincy, why don't you tell Carmen what you do for a living?

Now pass the bread.

Yeah, what instrument do you play again?

I play the saxophone. I'm still waiting for my bread.

Carmen, I saw your routine on Showtime at the Apollo.

I laughed so hard I cried.

She is good, isn't she?

Mama,

why don't you tell Quincy about the time you performed in Jamaica?

You just did.

in the kitchen.

Look, girl, I don't even do dishes at my own house.

Get in here.

This is not working.

Yeah, your dad's really boring.

Is he on medication?

After dealing with your mama, he's gonna need some.

Maybe if we leave them alone, they'll loosen up.

Yeah, good idea.

All right.

Um,

Mom, I'll be right back.

Oh, where you going? She's going with me.

See, we were having a cheesecake for dessert, and Adele has to help me get

um, cheese.

All over. No, no, no, no, Daddy.

You stay here and keep Carmen company.

Here's a bottle of Alizé for you, too.

Good, because I'm going to need it.

You two relax, and we'll be back soon.

Just trying to conserve energy.

Oh, maybe they got into a fight and left.

Or maybe they got drunk.

Then they got naked and got into a fight.

Daddy!

Are you here?

Did you get the cheesecake?

like each other. Yeah, and exactly how did you end up buck naked doing the

on my kitchen floor?

Would you believe Quincy slipped and fell on top of me?

No. Okay, fine.

Here's what happened.

After a few glasses of that Alizé, we started talking.

I loosen up, she loosen up.

My pants loosened up and her bra loosened up. And it got loose up in

Mama, let's go.

I thought I raised you better than that.

Oh, it's okay, comrade. I'll take you home.

Oh, okay, cool.

Take your time coming home, sugar.

on your kitchen floor.

And, uh, you get the bleach, I get the mop.

Well, uh -uh, parents.

Rehearsal's almost over.

Oh, my mom called. They're running late.

Dang it.

I'm gonna have to burn my bed.

So where do you think this is going?

Obviously marriage.

Just think.

We'll be sisters.

Oh, good. I always wanted an older sister.

I'm sorry, baby. Just trying to build up these biceps.

So, you want to rent a movie later?

Yeah. Let's rent Buns of Steel.

Oh, is that that new Vin Diesel movie?

No, it's a workout tape.

Workout? Yeah, it's great.

But, Alan, I'm still sore from jogging to the mall yesterday.

Oh, no problem. We can stop off and get you some wheatgrass. It'll give you

energy.

Actually, that stuff gives me the munchies.

Look, I'm going to help Steve and T set up for rehearsal.

Okay, I'll be over here doing some one -arm push -ups.

Do that.

This is Carmelita, my assistant.

Nice to meet you.

I'm the professor's fiance.

No, she's not.

She's a stalker.

Hey, y 'all slow down.

Ain't nobody moving nowhere.

You're right. We should take care of the wedding first.

Yeah, we'll see you guys down at the club.

Those two are something else, aren't they? Yes, they are.

No offense, Quincy, but I was married once, and I'm not trying to go through

that again.

Oh, I understand.

That should be sale for me, too. Sale, sunk, toppled, and buried below sea

level.

Let's face it.

This is all about luck.

Can you blame me?

Sure can.

But how are we going to explain this to Nikki and Andale? You know they will

never understand.

I know.

Let's tell them we got in a fight and broke up.

Yeah, that might work, but then we'd have to stop seeing each other.

But I don't see any other way to get them off our backs.

You're right.

I guess that's it.

I guess so.

So what time does the show start?

That's a couple of hours.

Couple hours.

Two hours.

Two whole hours.

This time, let's go to Nicky's room.

Okay. But that black velvet painting of Ogilvy gives me the creeps. Don't worry

about it. You ain't gonna see it anyway.

After a short break, get ready to make some real noise for the amazing

Hey, Dad.

Where's Tommy? Don't mention that woman's name to me.

I guess you heard what your father did to my mom. I haven't heard anything.

But your mom has done something to tick off my dad. Oh, no, it had to be your

dad's fault because my mother referred...

That man.

Don't blame my daddy. He probably found out your mama is a floozy. A floozy? I

know you didn't say that about my mama. Hey, hey, hey.

Have you seen my assistant?

Oh, she tied up right now. But she called and said to stop without her.

But I can help you, boo. See?

I'm already in costume.

Look, Miss Parker, I'm trying to amaze the audience, not punish them.

Listen, since you're on break, could you help me out on stage?

Yeah, sure.

All right,

people. Give it up for the amazing Ogilvini.

Thank you.

For my first trick, I'm going to link and unlink two rings.

Stevie?

Now I will unlink them.

This is really bad for your body.

The only thing that's bad for my body is you.

I can't eat what I want. I have to jog everywhere we go. And instead of making

out, all you want to do is work out.

I thought you were on board with my new lifestyle.

I am, Alan.

But you've gone overboard.

You're no fun anymore.

So what do you want me to do? Gain the weight back?

Could you?

I love you, Kim.

I love myself more.

I only wanted to lose the weight. I didn't want to lose you, too.

I don't want to lose you, but, Alan, you're not the same anymore.

And I don't want to be.

I guess this is it.

We can still be friends.

I can live with that.

Well, I guess I'll be heading out. I want to go catch Gary's spinning class.

Take care of yourself, kid.

You too, Alan.

And for my final trick of the evening, I will make my assistant disappear.

You are aware that none of your tricks have worked, right?

This will be a piece of cake. Just follow the instructions in the box.

Coming to the stage right now is one of the hottest jazz musicians.

Holding it down for the West Coast. Give it up for Quincy Dazon.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

about as much noise as I can take.

Now, let's bring up some real talent.

You've seen her on Showtime at the Apollo, Deaf Comedy Jam, Give It Up.

Lord knows she did.

For my mother, Carmen Wilkerson.

Thank you, thank you.

You know, I heard there are a lot of good men in L .A. Yeah, you probably had

all of them.

Uh -uh, don't hate because I... I can pull a man.

Oh, I got a man, too.

My boo's sitting right over there.

No, no, no.

Yeah, I'm not her boo.

I am the amazing Uncle Vinny.

Maybe my mama don't want your daddy because he an old geezer with a crazy

daughter. Hey, wait a minute now.

Hey, your mama didn't call me no old geezer last night. I don't want to hear

about that. I'm going to tell you what she did. You ain't got to recognize me.

I ain't the amazing.

Or go be me.

Command it.

What is wrong with you two?

Nikki's just upset because my mother broke up with you. Now, just wait a

now. Your mama didn't break up with me. I broke up with her.

She's right.

We kind of came up with this lie so y 'all could kind of stay out of our

business. Neither one of us wants to get married.

Yeah, she's right, you know. We know our lives are not perfect, but we're

comfortable with the way things are.

We just want to be friends.

And if our schedules permit, we want to be booty buddies.

Nobody want to hear all that.

And don't. Now we're hoping that you two will get married so we will be sisters.

And now you've always wanted an older sister.

Whether they get married or not, Nick, we are sisters.

Mom, we better go. You have a plane to catch.

Oh, no, don't bother.

I'll take it. Nicky, let me have your keys.

No way.

I just got my car washed.

I can't believe my assistant never showed up after I paid her to be here.

Excuse me. I'll be right back.

You are really good.

Look, I'm going to untie you.

And just in case you call the police, I will hurt you.

Just as sure as my name.

Watch your mouth.

Yeah, you might get slapped up in here.

Well, I don't remember what I was supposed to say.

No, thank you.

My boo liked a little meat on my bone.

Yeah. Can we do it again?