Original subtitles

Hey, y 'all. Hey.

Guess who's going to be catering the hot new sitcom, We Ain't Friends.

Can you give us a hint?

Me, Kim.

Can you give us another?

You know, I love that show, but it's so hard to believe it's New York City, and

yet you never see one white person.

Who cares? That show has a flyer on TV.

How'd you hook that up?

That food critic who reviewed my cooking at Endell's recommended me.

Oh, you know what that means?

Yeah, it means if all goes well, I'll have a steady job and pay off our credit

card debt.

Who cares about all that? You can get me an acting job.

You're hired.

You can act like my assistant and help me serve the food.

Uh -uh, I do that at home.

Hey, boo.

I got a job catering. We ain't friends.

Aren't you happy for me? Well, if it means you'll be working long days and

longer nights, I'll be...

at it don't worry boo you can come visit me on the set on that show please

sitcoms are a mindless lowbrow drivel that insults my intelligence drivel

what makes it funny yeah and that lamar short is sexy oh whatever i just wish

he'd give that sleazy dalala the boot

What? Are you crazy? What man in his right mind would give up a woman like

Delilah? You know, the one who makes me sick is that psycho Vanika. Never

watched it, huh?

That spinach and lamb was divine.

Oh, thank you, Basil, but it was collard greens and oxtails.

Basil, I hate to ask a favor on my first day, but my daughter Kim, she would

love to be an extra on the show.

And since you're the director, I was wondering... You know what? As long as

keep these tasty meals coming, your daughter's got a job.

Oh,

they're going to have fun no more.

Girl, let's go watch a scene.

How do I look?

Desperate, lonely, and horny. Good. Let's roll.

Okay. Ready?

And... Action!

Lamar, baby, you've been gone so long. I missed you.

All I did was take out the trash.

you scuzzy psycho.

Was that Vanika?

No, your mama.

That'll teach you not to RSVP at the last minute. Okay.

Okay.

You're the greatest, baby.

And cut.

Makeout.

She sucked off all my lip gloss.

So, you stole my eyelashes yesterday.

I told you I had a date.

Make sure it is MAC lip gloss number 11. It gives me those pouty dewy lips.

Believe you got me an acting job on We Ain't Friends.

I'm going to be a star.

Now, slow your roll, baby.

Now, you were hired to be in the background.

So do just what the director says.

Understood? Understood.

All right. Now go break a leg.

I said I understood. You don't have to be so mean.

All actors on the set, please.

Actors.

supposed to look into the camera but how will the people know it's me they're

not supposed to know it's you you're playing a waitress now please take your

mark and don't look into the camera again and background

and action lamar where are you the guests are already here

i can't talk to these people

to make sure the star was served.

Did I tell you to serve the star?

No, I'm acting.

Look, the only reason I'm putting up with you is because of your mama's pig's

feet. Mama may have a couple of hammer toes, but I wouldn't exactly call them

pig's feet.

You know what, everybody, let's decide. Let's take five.

Is Monika ready yet? We can't find her.

Check the bar on the corner.

Well, I just wanted to support you in your professional endeavors.

Oh, boo, I knew you'd come around.

I know in my heart we're soulmates, and if you just... There's Delilah. See you

later. Okay, boo, I'll fix you a plate.

Girl, I'm famished. Is it soup yet?

It sure is.

Can I just say, you put your foot in those pig's feet, girlfriend.

Do you know how to make... pork chops smothered in gravy?

Don't I look like I know how to make pork chops smothered in gravy?

You sure do, beautiful. If I was into women, I'd be all over you. Because a

skinny woman couldn't do a thing for me.

Personally, I think skinny women are evil.

Okay.

All right, sister.

Excuse me, Mrs. Johnson.

Yes?

I'm Stanley Ogilvie, Professor Stanley Ogilvie, and I just wanted to say that

you are an incredible actress.

Yes, I am, aren't I?

Now tell me how pretty I am.

Well,

you do have the most mesmerizing eyes I've ever seen.

And don't they go great with my new cheekbones?

Oh, yes.

They're very angular.

Thank you.

Why don't we chat over juice, and you can tell me what else you like about me.

Okay.

You know, Basil, I wasn't feeling that last scene. The jokes weren't funny, and

the ending wasn't working for me. How about you?

Who are you?

Adele Wilkerson, restaurant owner slash comedy writer.

to get me fired.

Now, why don't you make yourself useful and help me find my boo? The professor's

here? Yes. He came by to visit me.

Was he drunk?

He said it was time he supported me in my work.

Are you drunk?

Forget you, Wendell.

Wait a minute.

I hear my boo.

We have actors on set, please.

Vanika, are you ready?

I am, no?

Well, enough about me.

Who am I kidding?

It's never enough about me.

Let's go, Delilah.

Okay. How about a good luck kiss?

All righty.

Put your crusty lip on my man again.

Baby, trust me. I will snap you in half.

Do you understand?

Who do you think you're talking to?

I'm the star.

You ain't nothing but a greasy fry cook.

Oh, I got you, fry cook.

I love it. You do?

Oh, yeah, Nikki. You're exactly what this show needs. Now the scene has

You like her?

playing Vanika, America's favorite stalker.

Me either. But, you know, for some reason, I can relate to that character.

Thanks. Thanks, guys, for helping me out.

You know, Nikki, the only thing I know about catering is... nothing. No, I know

absolutely nothing about catering.

Don't worry, Stevie. Now, I cooked enough food to last all day long.

Now I have to go practice my lines with Adele. I'll check on y 'all later.

Hey, sweet thing.

Loved you on last week's show.

Listen, I have some new ideas for your character soon. Why don't you let me

you out to dinner with me?

Okay, I'll call you.

Yeah, way to go, mister. My Mac is whack. I got you, didn't I?

And now, thanks for running lines with me.

Okay, but just remember me when you get your Soul Train Award.

Okay, here goes.

Can't you see he doesn't want you?

I

50 bucks a day.

What'd you get me?

Well, it's big.

Hello?

Hey, Jacqueline.

Guess what?

I'm back to no we ain't friends.

Did you know Lamar is...

The food is all gone.

What did you find in the back?

Some dusty cans of famine from marshmallows.

Spam and marshmallow sandwiches coming up.

Hey, how you doing?

Fine, thank you.

Yeah, I can see that.

You ever think about acting? I'm the producer here.

Really? So am I.

You must be the daytime producer because I'm the night shift producer.

I'm Dawn Stewart, executive producer.

Now tell me, what do you really do?

Uh, well, I help out with the food, ma 'am.

Can I get you a plate?

And action!

I want you out of my house.

Now!

Now, don't think about the words. Just feel them.

Okay, got it.

Okay. And... Action!

I want you out of my house now.

Aye.

Aye.

Aye. Aye.

Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.

Sorry, Basil, but you told me not to think about the words.

But you still have to remember them.

Can I make a suggestion?

You again?

Yeah, if you want the same kind of passion you saw yesterday, there's only

way you can get it.

Okay, I'll sleep with you.

All right, but first... So,

Delilah really wants to see me again?

Yeah, she says she can't go on without you. What do you do to these women?

you know, I just kind of... I don't want to know.

When Adele brings him over, just start flirting and kissing.

Are you sure I'm going to be safe? Because I don't think she likes me.

Don't worry about that. No, no, I'll yell cut before it goes too far. And

to be on the safe side, I've got armed security here.

Okay, here he is.

Thank you so much for coming.

I couldn't stop thinking about you, Sam.

I mean, Sam.

I dreamt about you all night.

I couldn't get you off my mind.

Kiss me, Stanley.

Kiss me hard.

All righty.

Action.

Now, I told you to stay away from my man. Now, you brought this beat down on

yourself. He doesn't want you, okay?

Oh, this is great.

It's going to win me my Emmy.

Better yet, your image award.

By what? The Pittsburgh Steelers?

Did I do that? Yeah.

Oh, that too?

Yep.

Basil, it'll never happen again.

Oh, you got that right.

Because you're fired.

You can't fire my mama. She's the thoth.

You. What are you doing back here?

I thought you might need someone to play Delilah.

Delilah? I wouldn't have you play Lassie. Oh.

you do this to me? I could have been Mr.

Delilah Johnson.

happy, Miss Parker?

It says here that the show had to shut down while Delilah recovers.

Uh -huh.

It... It doesn't say anything about a lawsuit, does it?

No.

But the authorities haven't returned my call.

You're so crazy.

No!

You're the crazy one. And if you come within three feet of me,

have you arrested.

Oh, role play.

Okay, you can be the cop.