Original subtitles

Kim, you ready for the test tomorrow?

I have a test?

Yeah, political science.

I take political science?

Not for long.

Say, when will Stevie get the flu just when I have to take a test?

I'll help you study.

Oh, no, no, I don't study. I just copy off of her paper.

That's a cute outfit, baby. When did you get it? Same day I got the matching

earrings, belt, bracelet, and purse.

Oh, well, how could you afford all that if you don't have a job?

No, but I do have your Visa card.

And it went through? Yeah.

With Nikki's name on it? I was just as shocked as you were.

You know, Kim, that outfit has to go back.

Why? Don't you think it's cute?

No. It's too tight, and so is my money. The cookie sales are way down.

Come on, Mama. Things will pick up. They better.

I had to use my MasterCard to pay my American Express, my American Express to

pay my Visa, and my Visa to pay my MasterCard.

Why are you tripping? At least your bills got paid.

What'd you say, boy?

That wasn't me.

Kim,

you need to get a job.

Can't we just get another credit card?

Hey, boo.

What you up to?

Suicide. Well, when you're done, remember, you still owe me.

Miss Parker, we already settled that debt.

One measly tow job hardly evens the score for getting you your job back at

You're not really going to make me go on this date from hell, are you? Yeah.

A deal's a deal.

Okay. A few ground rules.

One, no touching.

Two...

Absolutely no touching.

Three absolutely positively no touching.

Got it. Good. Because after this, we're even.

Done. Now, does tongue kissing count as touching?

wouldn't lie to me, would you? Oh, sure I would.

Right now, I'm telling the truth.

See, I knew it.

She sent you, didn't she?

It has nothing to do with my mama, Professor.

All right, come on in.

So, uh, what can I do for you?

Actually, it's what I could do for you.

Okay, now you're starting to sound like your mother.

Wait, I need a job.

Let me run errands for you.

Thanks, Kim, but I don't need a personal assistant.

No, I could... How about... Nope. I can keep my mom away from you. When can you

start?

Thanks,

Lucy. Put it on my tab.

How you feeling, baby?

Miserable. I'm two weeks overdue, and if this baby doesn't come out soon, I

swear I'm going in after it.

Lucy, it's time for me to rub your belly and sing to the baby.

got yourself a good man, you can have him, okay?

This is all his fault.

Poor thing. See, that's why I'm never getting pregnant.

That, and you can't keep a man.

You know, when the professor and I finally have our baby, I hope he dotes

like Earl dotes on Lucy.

And I hope you get the therapy you desperately need.

Lucy, water broke. What do I do?

You better take her to the hospital.

Yeah, good idea.

What was I thinking?

I forgot her coat.

Excuse me.

Have you seen Earl?

How inconsiderate. Doesn't she know the lunch crowd will be here in 20 minutes?

Maybe she'll make it back in time for the dinner crowd.

And now, she's a human being.

I gonna do?

Okay, girl, stop begging.

I'll be your cook.

Uh -uh, no way. Last time you worked here, I almost had to file for

That's because I was bartending and I didn't know what I was doing.

Then why did you take the job?

Because you was dumb enough to hire me.

But when it comes to cooking, you know I can go down.

Besides, no more than five people come in here anyway.

Hell, I cook more than that for myself.

I don't care. Don't get it. Look, look.

You're hired.

You won't be sorry.

Too late.

Professor!

Kim, what are you doing here? I'm the professor's personal executive

Oh, well, that's good, baby.

It'll give you a chance to bond with your future stepdaddy.

Now, may I help you?

Yeah, I want to see the professor.

He's not here. Can I tell him who stopped by?

Me. And you are?

About to whip your butt.

Mama, I'm just doing my job.

That's right.

I'm sorry.

Just tell my boo I stopped by.

Is there a number that he can reach you at? Just forget it.

Mama, can I suggest that next time you phone ahead, he'll save you a trip?

Excuse me.

Are you the owner?

Do you have food poisoning?

On the contrary, the meal was superb.

Oh, in that case, I am the owner.

I'm Meryl Brooks, food critic for the Los Angeles Gazette.

Well, welcome to my cozy little bistro, Mr. Brooks. I must know, who is your

chef?

Nikki? She's no chef. Oh, that's too bad. I was hoping to do a nice write -up

my column.

Ah, you didn't let me finish. She's no chef.

She's a culinary artiste.

How ever did you find her?

Oh, well, it's an interesting story, actually.

I was traveling the globe.

in search of just the right chef to complement my culinary vision. How

exquisite. It was by a stroke of luck, while dining in a cafe off the coast of

Tanzania, that I happened upon Nicole.

I used the promise of political asylum to get her back to the state.

What a fascinating story.

Yeah, it was good, wasn't it?

I'd love to meet her.

Unfortunately, she barely speaks English.

And now, I am sweating like a pig in that kitchen.

Now, either you fix the damn ale, or I'm serving pork rinds and Kool -Aid.

Woo, her English is really coming along.

Madam, your cooking is utterly delightful.

Miss Wilkerson, you can expect another visit from me.

Madame Nicole, c 'est magnifique.

C 'est what? You don't know me.

That was the food critic from the Los Angeles Gazette. He loves your food.

Well, I told you I could throw down in the kitchen.

And in the bedroom.

Did I ask you all that?

Now get back to work.

And wash your hands.

I'm back.

Come in.

Thank you for hiring me to run errands for you.

Extra money's really going to come in handy. Well, I'm glad I could help out.

Oh, good. You pick up my clothes from the cleaners. Uh, Kim, these are

It's none of my business what you wear when you're alone, Professor.

Did you have any trouble finding the truffles at the supermarket?

Truffles? I thought you said ruffles. I even got the salt and vinegar kind.

Kim, I don't eat potato chips.

I guess you won't be needing the dip I got.

What is this?

I didn't ask for any candy.

Oh, that was for me. I got a little hungry in the checkout line.

And a little bored.

Kim, did you get any of the items on my list?

I couldn't. I ran out of money.

Did you at least get my car washed? I sure did, Professor.

Good.

Um, Professor.

What happens to leather interior when it gets really, really wet?

It gets really, really ruined.

Why? Oh, just asking.

Gotta go. Stop right there.

Tim, did you forget to roll up my windows?

Oh, do you think I'm stupid?

in your six -hour hair appointment. She called me a hundred times.

Okay, okay.

Just give me my two -week severance pay and I'll be on my way.

Forget it. You're lucky I'm not suing you. Now, now, now, go.

Can I at least use you as a reference?

Ow!

Ms.

Wilkerson. Ah, Mr. Brooks. I told you I'd be back.

You're always welcome at Endill. Good.

And I've brought some friends and fellow food critics along.

And they all want to eat here?

Well, of course. Based on my recommendation, your eatery has been

restaurant pick of the week.

Oh, lucky me.

You can accommodate us, right?

Uh, let me go check with the chef.

stuffed Cornish hens, scalloped potatoes, wild rice, string beans, mango

chutney, and your best dessert.

Um, about a week.

You're screwed.

Why?

The food critic's back with a lot of hungry people.

Oh, girl, don't worry.

I'll go talk to him. Come on. Okay.

Hey, y 'all. Hey.

How's everybody doing?

Uh, Mr. Brooks. Now, about dinner... This is not a problem, is there?

Well, actually... Because...

I'd hate to write that in my column.

Oh, well, you won't have to.

Now, y 'all just sit down, loosen your belts, and prepare to be dazzled.

Does the colonel deliver?

And 10 pounds of wild rice.

And bring tea with you.

Kim, I don't know what the pay is.

I don't know about vacation days or about a medical plan, but you're going

need one if you don't get your butt over here.

and clean the dishes. Got it?

Wait, hold up. Why do I have to serve the food and clean the dishes?

Because you don't want no broken bones.

Kim, go check on Adele. She's stalling the critics.

April's over, let's get the movie, come on.

for that salad. We ran out of clean dishes.

Don't forget the garnish.

Mama, there's nothing to baste the rest of these little chickens with.

Kim, hand me that aloe vera.

Who's dishes?

Wash dishes? I believe the sign out front says andels.

Well, if you don't want to just say out of business, you better bust some suds.

No time.

Gotta go clean off the mango chutney I dropped on Mr. Brooks.

Nikki, unless you want me to serve soup in my hand, we need clean dishes.

Who you calling?

The professor. We need help.

Who's he gonna call?

Trust me, once he hears the desperation in my voice... My bull come running.

Professor, help!

He's so upset he dropped the phone.

Professor, don't hang up.

I need you here at Endell's.

Okay. If you come, your debt to me is completely paid off.

That's right.

No date Saturday night.

Are you clapping?

Okay.

It's good to be loved.

All right, now, come on. Chop chop.

Goodbye,

Mr. Robertson. Mr. Brooks, leaving so soon?

I've had about as much as I can stand. Tonight's dinner was an utter fiasco.

Well, I can explain. No need. It will all be in my column tomorrow. Good

All right, y 'all, you can

stop. The food critics are gone.

Did they leave a tip?

Yeah, they told me to stay out of show business.

I could have told you that.

Go out front and clean up the tables.

Professor, you can stop.

Raise up off me, woman. I'm not stopping until my debt is paid.

But the food... You heard him. Let the man finish the dishes.

Well, looks like you did it again, Nikki.

You don't have to thank me, girl.

That wasn't a thank you.

What's that supposed to mean?

Thanks to you, I'm ruined.

Thanks to me?

Those food critics didn't have to eat that slop you normally serve. I knew

hiring you was a bad idea.

You lucky I agreed to work in this overpriced, run -down, greasy hot dog

Well, you lucky I'm not suing you. Thank God Earl comes back tomorrow.

That's what I get for helping out a friend.

Correction, ex -friend.

Earl, I don't need you.

I don't need you either. Fine. Well, fine, back.

I'll call you later.

Okay, you need a little food? Yeah, girl, my feet have been bothering me.

The review for my restaurant is in this morning's paper, but I'm too nervous.

Nick, you read it.

Samuel Thomas, 88, died on Sunday.

Oh, my bad. That's still bitch.

Okay.

My dining experience at Endell's.

Blah, blah, blah.

Horrible serving.

Blah, blah, blah.

Three -ring circus.

Wait a minute.

Tell me. I can take it. Well, Mr.

Brooks said that although the service stinks, the food is out of this world.

Girl, he gave you five stars.

Is that all?

Oh, better look next time, Mandela.

And with a review like this, I can go anywhere.

I'm going to start my own catering business.

Well, good for you, girl.

And now, can you spot us up to some seed money?

My debt is finally paid.

Miss Parker, what are you doing here?

I'm here for our date.

No, no, no, no, no.

You said if I do all the dishes that I wouldn't have to go out with you on

Saturday night.

But I didn't say anything about Saturday morning.

You're crazy if you think I'm going to stay here.

about how much it paid.