Original subtitles

Oh, I can't wait for the Valentine's Day groove next week.

Well, Turtle Dove, when it comes to you, every day is Valentine's Day. Oh, that

is so romantic.

And how would you know?

Look, if it weren't for your Playboy subscription, you wouldn't have a woman.

For me?

Thinking of you, your secret admirer.

Oh, that's so sweet.

But why did you sign it, your secret admirer?

Uh, that's a secret.

Oh.

Hey, y 'all.

Oh, your nails are beautiful.

Yeah, my secret admirer sent them to me.

Hey, Professor Ogilvy. Miss Parker, I need to speak with you. Of course I'll

your date on V -Day.

That would make it D -Day.

Now, you've gone too far this time.

I'm driving on Sunset.

and I see a billboard with your face plastered on it, asking me to be your

valentine. Then you humiliate me with that insane singing telegram in front of

my whole class.

Don't worry, boo.

There's more coming.

crazy self to me.

Yeah, I'm just tripping. Gotta be.

Oh, Professor, you are so crazy.

Mama, what are you doing?

Yes, baby.

Now, can't you see Mama's on a date?

Kids.

I'm telling you, she's gone off the deep end.

Please, she lives in the deep end.

No, this is serious. She's dating dolls now.

What?

Time for a good old -fashioned intervention.

Is that anything like a beat down?

No. It's when you confront her with her problem and suggest she gets help.

And then we beat her down.

Kim, just get Nikki out of here.

Now, I need to be prepared for when my boo pops the question.

And it's going to be which psych award should they put you in, A or B?

Mama, you need help.

I don't need any help. Yes, you do.

You know, Nikki, if you did, the Student Union offers an unhealthy love support

group.

Not that your love is unhealthy.

Anyway, it's called the LSL group.

stands for lopsided lovers and they um they meet twice a week at seven trying

find them on the rebound now huh oh is that so wrong why

don't you just go and check it out yeah just go one time and we won't bug you

about it anymore i'll even go with you yeah fine i'll go just once to get y

off my back great but i'm telling you right now it's a waste of my time

i

Now, if you'll excuse me, my boo want to spend some quiet time with me.

I told you, I don't have any problems.

My man loves me. You don't have a man. You have an overgrown kin doll.

Well, I'd like to welcome everyone to Lopsided Lovers.

For those of us who just don't get it.

We all know that Valentine's Day is the hardest time of the year for us. Well,

along with birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Friday nights.

Well, I think you get my point. So let's be extra careful out there.

Yeah. Now, would anyone like to speak?

Hi,

I'm Mia. I'm a lopsided lover.

Hi, Mia.

I've been a lopsided lover for two months now.

Before LSL, I used to stalk my man.

I mean, the man that I wanted to be my man.

I had a relapse a couple weeks ago.

But I returned my man.

I mean, the man that I wanted to be my man.

Unharmed.

Thank you, Mia.

You are an inspiration to us all.

I'd like to welcome our new members.

Oh, oh, she's the one with the problem. I don't have a man.

As a matter of fact, neither does she.

Hi.

I'm Nicky.

Hi, Nicky.

Now,

the only reason I'm here is because my daughter and my friends have lost their

minds.

problems like you all have. I'm not a lopsided loser like y 'all.

Well,

since you don't have a problem, you won't mind answering a few questions.

Sure. Does this person ever call you?

He did the other day. He called on her in his class.

Has he ever asked you out on a date?

Has he ever given you a gift?

That he knew of?

Yes, he did. I think you know the answer to that.

Well, does he treat you like a queen?

Has he ever said that he can't live without you?

Well, what was the last thing he said to you?

Wasn't it, get away from me, you psycho?

Nikki?

My name is Nikki, and I'm a lopsided lover.

Oh, man,

you're really going all out for Kim.

Flowers, gifts, candy.

You're starting to make your brother look bad.

I got a confession.

I haven't been sending Kim all of those gifts.

I mean, not that I wouldn't if I wasn't so short on cash.

Oh, you better come clean. You're going to get caught.

I ain't, T.

How can I get caught?

They're from a secret admirer.

Secret.

All righty then. Play on, player.

Well done yourself, honey bunny.

I love my new bracelet.

I knew silver was your favorite.

Silver? It's gold.

Gotcha.

I've got to be strong.

I've got to be strong.

Man is back.

Sherelle, why are you still in here? I thought you were in Paris.

Well, I'm in town showcasing one of my acts.

But you know I had to come check up on my girl.

Oh, I see you got all the stuff I sent you.

You sent?

My boyfriend Aaron sent me this stuff.

Oh, you got a boyfriend now?

Well, after our divorce, I had to move on.

Then why are you wearing those fly Italian boots that I sent you?

What?

Well, I'm not confused.

My heart still belongs to you.

I've missed you.

I've missed your eye.

Weren't they blue when I left?

Look,

things are different now.

I told you I have a boyfriend.

When you and I had, it's over.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Does your boyfriend hold you like this?

Does he kiss your neck like this?

Does he kiss your lips?

Who's this guy?

What guy? Oh, oh, that's just Jarell, my old ex -husband. You hungry?

Ex -husband?

You never told me anything about an ex -husband.

What, you got any kids I should know about?

I'll let you two work this out.

Aaron, a kiss didn't mean anything.

I guess neither does our relationship.

Oh, no. I haven't seen Jarell in a year. He just showed up and started nibbling

on my neck.

Okay, I guess that makes it okay.

No, I'm not saying that. It just happened.

Unless he tripped and fell on your face.

Stuff like that don't just happen.

Well, neither does taking credit for gifts you didn't send.

Who told you?

Terrell.

Not only is he a homewrecker, he's a tattletale.

Well, you can take back this promise ring that I gave myself to remind me of

you.

Because I don't want to be with anyone who can't keep their promises.

Nikki? I'm at the professor's door and I'm about to go in. Stop.

Take a couple of deep breaths and step away from the door.

Lou, I'm going in.

Nikki, listen to me.

Remember step number three.

Just walk away from the situation.

Walk as long as it takes for you to get over the impulse.

All right.

I can do that

I had to clear my head.

But you've been gone for 12 hours.

Well, I got a big head.

What a long face, buddy.

Jarrell's back in town.

What's that little peanut head boy doing back?

He's not promoting his group.

Oh, and Aaron caught up kissing.

Kim, you didn't. I did.

Mama, I don't know what I was thinking.

It's just when Jarrell kissed me, all these old feelings came rushing back.

I don't know what to do.

Well, baby, there's only one thing to do.

A threesome.

Girl, no.

Just let your heart decide, baby.

But my heart is confused.

True love is never confusing.

You'll know when it's real.

You're right, Mama.

Thank you.

Anytime, Puddin'. Anytime.

Well, I better get ready for my meeting. I'll see you later, baby.

All right.

Hey.

I was wondering if you could come over so we could talk.

Yeah.

Hi. My name is Nikki.

Hi, Nikki.

I had a great talk today with my daughter about love.

Aww.

I told her to follow her heart.

And from now on, I think that's what we should all do.

Stanley Ogilvie is and always will be the man of my dreams.

Even if I don't get him right now, I will never give up.

Preach, Nikki.

Amen.

My grandmother...

She never gave up. And she had two restraining orders against her. But she

got her man.

And I'm gonna get mine.

Nikki's right.

We have been selling ourselves short.

Especially you.

Nia, you should never give up.

I mean, go after that man.

Who wouldn't want to be with somebody as wonderful?

And beautiful as you are. Really?

Yeah, girl.

We're not crazy. Just crazy in love.

Nikki, please. Hush.

Get back.

Nikki, I want all of you to attend the Valentine's Day dance here at the

Union. And if you can't bring the love of your life, then bring the blow -up

doll of your life.

Thanks for inviting me over.

Thank you for coming.

Oh, thank you.

Listen, Jarell, I just want to let you know that I made a mistake by kissing

back.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

You know, I never should have kissed you in the first place.

It's just, I feel like the love that we had will always be the same between us.

You will always have a special place in my heart.

You will always be my first sex husband.

But Aaron's my man now.

Well, I guess that's my cue to bounce, huh?

Bye, snickerdoodle.

You haven't talked to Aaron?

No. I think we're broken up for real.

Men make me sick. I don't know why we bother when we know that every single

time... Hey, don't worry.

You can always get a blow -up doll.

Hey, boo.

I see you didn't bring a date.

No, I figured why put myself or another innocent woman through all the... Pain

and suffering.

Of course I'll save you the last dance.

Want to dance?

Yeah.

Jarrell found me and explained everything that happened.

I'm sorry. I heard you love muffins.

I'm sorry. I took credit for all that stuff.

You know, if I had the money, I'd buy you the whole world.

Then where would everybody else live?

Good boy.

I love you, Snuggle Buck. Oh, I love you, my little cough truck.

Hey, Boo.

I saved this dance for you.

Get away from me, you psycho.

That's music to my ears.

Everyone, grab your sweethearts and enjoy the sounds of Ericta recording

Kenny Lattimore.

This

song goes

out to all the lovers in the house.

Thank you.

Please, she slipped.

Really?

When my boo pops the question.