Original subtitles

Uh, excuse me, are you Joe Woody? Are you the health inspector?

No. Then I'm your man. What can I do for you?

Hey, my name is Daryl Hughley, and I own all the vending machines here on

campus. You don't have to thank me, but I was the one who put the condo machines

in the sorority house.

Not that you're going to need it.

So you own all these machines, huh?

That explains that nice suit. Men's Warehouse?

You didn't hear me. I said I own all the machines.

This is our money.

Our money? Yeah, that's Italian for arm and a leg.

Look, now, maybe you can help me out. My men keep coming and refilling these

machines, but there's never any money in them.

Now, you run things around here.

What do you see?

What do I see? What do I see?

All I see is an empty palm.

Now, what do you see?

Look, you didn't get this from me, but somebody's been ripping you off.

Got you.

I got you. That's Canadian money.

Don't waste your time putting your money in that old machine.

It's not old. It's vintage.

And is it broken?

No. But why pay for your snacks when you can get them gratis?

Excuse me?

Gratis? That's glad you for free.

This is college.

Read a book.

I don't need a book. I got a job.

How are you getting stuff for free?

Observe the Nicky Snack Samba.

I was trying for some milk duds.

Wait a minute. You've been stealing from this machine all year?

It's only stealing if you get caught.

That only works in baseball and the Clinton administration.

Now, I'm the owner. What is your name?

Uh, Stevie Danlo. Gotta go.

Is your mother around? Well, Professor, you're here, so she'll be here shortly.

Good. Then I'll make this quick.

Listen, I need a favor. I'm having a party tonight, and I need help setting

Oh, I'm sorry, Professor, but I can't. Why not?

Give me a minute, and I'll think of something.

Don't worry, Fred. I got your back. Yeah, count me in, too. Oh, great.

Hey, you guys, come on. You're late for my psych class.

And for late, what does that make you?

Good -looking, but that doesn't help you. Come on.

I think I'm being stalked. Oh, I'm sorry. I'll back off.

Kimberly Ann Parker, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Your grades came in the mail today.

Two D's and three C's. Hold up. You opened up my mail?

Yeah. Then don't change the subject. This is the subject. Mama, you can't be

invading my privacy like that. You could go to jail.

Remember?

Wait a minute. Who do you think you're talking to? One of your little friends?

Honestly, I don't know where you come from sometimes.

Excuse me.

Are you Kim Parker?

Yes. Born October 31st, 1981.

Mother's name is Nikki. You live in Santa Monica.

Look, if it's about those parking tickets my mother... No, girl. I'm a big

of your band, Freestyle Unity.

What, you want an autograph?

No. Actually, I'm a reporter with the L .A. Monthly Magazine, and I'd like to do

a cover story on you.

You mind if I start off with some pictures?

Ma, and I insist.

So you want to ask me any deep personal questions so your readers will have a

real sense of who I am?

Yeah.

Who do you like? And think, oh, Backstreet Boys.

Aren't they the same group?

Yes, Mother.

Uncle Chester's remains arrived safe and sound.

Although he does look a little ashy.

It was a joke.

Yes, I know he was your favorite brother.

And I will make sure that his ashes are spread over the Pacific just like he

wanted.

All right, Mother, I got to go.

All right, bye -bye.

Hey, right on time.

Listen, if you two could just straighten up, I would really appreciate that. You

got it.

Now, I'll be right back after my meeting with the deans. Okay.

There's the key. There's the vacuum.

Thanks again, you guys.

Sure. Bye.

Okay, where do we start?

Right, uh, I'll vacuum and you dust.

Wait, hold up. How come I have to dust and you get to vacuum?

Uh, you vacuum, I dust.

Uh -huh. See, you really wanted to vacuum, so you told me to dust. Knowing

well I'd tell you I'd want to vacuum after you told me to dust because you

really wanted me to dust.

See, you need a man bad.

a cover story on you.

Oh, and did you hear that?

I'm going to be in a magazine.

Well, I have a pretty festive past myself. I remember this one time. Oh,

don't nobody kiss.

But I was there. This is all about me.

So, uh, what's the angle?

Let's see.

Single mom goes back to college at the age of 30, uh, 29.

Or successful saleswoman gets hitched to college professor.

Yeah, yeah, girl, all of that.

You don't mind if I ask a few questions?

Mine? Come on, sis. Sit down, baby.

You know, you're much prettier than I imagine.

Oh, well, wait a minute. What do I suppose to mean?

You know, girl, to have a college -aged daughter.

Oh, well, thank you.

You look to be about the same age as Kim. Are you in school? Yeah, I love

school.

But it's a lot of work, though.

There's barely enough hours in the day for me to do everything and still spend

quality time with my man.

I locked myself out of my apartment and I need your spare key.

Professor, what makes you think I have a key to your apartment?

Because somehow you managed to have a key to my mailbox, my office, my gym

locker, my car. Did I leave anything out?

Your diary.

It's a journal.

Front or back?

The front.

Top like a bottom?

Top. Just give me the damn key.

You can keep that one. I have plenty more.

of a few things, and he ran down to the store.

Yeah, in other words, he ate all your food.

This place looks great, doesn't it? Yeah, it looks great, but what'd you do

my Uncle Chester?

Excuse me?

My Uncle Chester.

He was, I should say, his ashes were in an urn on the coffee table. Urn?

Ashes?

Yeah. Where did you put him?

Uh, is this Uncle you were talking about? Yeah.

Feels like he lost a little weight.

Uncle Chester?

Where's my Uncle Chester?

Don't worry, Professor. He's resting very comfortably.

Where? In a dumpster in the back.

What?

I'm really sorry, Professor, but if it's of any comfort to you, I mean, he's all

wrapped up nice and tidy and a little baggy, you know, all by himself.

Except for a little bird poop from the window sill.

I don't believe this. Look, we've got to find my Uncle Chester before my mother

puts me in an urn.

Come on!

Come on!

And that Kobe, oh, he is too fine.

Not as fine as the professor.

You said you were doing a story on me and that you worked for the L .A.

Well, I... Samantha, what's going on here?

Okay, here goes.

Kim isn't your daughter.

think you're my daughter? The hospital where Kim and I were born recently

admitted to accidentally switching babies 19 years ago.

What does that have to do with that? My mother and I had a blood test and our

DNA doesn't match.

So? So, you and I were born in the same hospital on the same day at the same

time. Wow, we're twins!

No, you and I were switched at birth.

That's crazy.

A DNA test would clear this whole thing right up.

Look, Samantha, I'm sorry about you and your mother, but I know Kim is my flesh

and blood.

I don't want to cause any problem, but I've been looking for months, and I just

want to know who my real mother is.

Here's my cell phone number.

Call me if you change your mind.

All right. Please.

Switched at birth. Isn't that the craziest thing?

Okay, like there could be two babies as cute as me.

Well, I gotta go change.

Oh, where do you think you're going?

To a party.

No, not with those grades.

You're studying tonight.

No, I'm studying tomorrow.

Tonight, I'm gonna meet Stevie. Look, Kim, I'm not in the mood. Don't argue

me. Never mind.

See ya.

Simply Ann Parker.

Now, don't you dare take another step.

You mean like this?

How dare you?

Now, no daughter of mine is gonna disrespect me.

Well, you heard Samantha.

I mean...

I have half a mind to call her.

Oh, well, you got the half a mind part right.

Oh, well, that's it. I'm calling.

Oh, I'll dial for you.

Okay.

All right. All right.

Here we go.

Oh, your chest has got to be here somewhere.

I mean, like you just got up and walked away, you know? Okay, look, this is not

something to joke about. Can we just stick to the task at hand?

It's amazing when people fall away.

Yeah, I'll say.

Hey, look at that. Someone threw away a first off. It's when the first off

moves. Oh, my God.

Got any cheese?

And how can you think about eating at a time like this?

Because I'm hungry.

Besides, Kim's just doing this out of spite. Once that woman gets here, she'll

see how ridiculous this whole thing is.

Hi, Kim. This is my mother, Stephanie McGee.

Come in.

This is my mother, well, Nikki Parker.

My daughter.

This is my friend, Ann Dallin. She was just leaving.

Oh, shoot. I'm always just leaving.

Damn.

Nice to meet you, Stephanie.

Same here. I thought it would be a good idea if you and I had coffee somewhere

so they could spend some time alone.

Well, I'm in this nonsense this far.

I'll be back in one hour.

Tell me about you.

Well, I'm black.

I'm 19 years old, and I have long blonde hair that cost me a fortune, and my

eyes are brown. Wait a minute. What color are my eyes today?

Hazel. Just like the ones I'm wearing.

Yes!

Oh, I love the shoes.

Slammin' do.

Oh, fabulous lipstick.

Coyote outfit.

Made it for sale.

So are you married?

Divorced. Wow, so am I.

Must be genetic.

Tell me about your dad.

Oh, you'd love him. He's a big, fancy lawyer.

We get along great.

Hmm, he sounds terrific.

I wish the hospital had switched husbands instead of babies.

I know it is so weird.

At first I was doing this to get back at my mom, but it's like we're the same

person.

That's because you're my daughter.

Wait a minute.

Before I agree to be your daughter, there are a few questions I want to ask

Shoot.

If there was some mail addressed to me and I wasn't around, would you open it?

What kind of sick monster would do that?

Okay, next question.

If I got a D in one of my classes, would you still let me party?

Sure, you passed, didn't you?

No, no!

Can't believe we just spent the entire night in the city dump.

Sorry we messed up your party, Professor.

Oh, that's okay.

At least we found Uncle Chester.

Now I can go ahead and spread his ashes in the Pacific Ocean.

Man, what's this? Mail?

That would be us.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go wash up.

On second thought, I think I'll take Uncle Chester with me.

Come on, T, you need a bath.

And a breath mint.

Not so many spring fresh yourself, all right?

Uncle Chester!

Well, these ashes will make it to the ocean eventually.

to go out today again?

Oh, yeah. What about you and Samantha?

Oh, we're going to go to the movie.

Oh, that's great.

You know, this whole thing is pretty incredible.

I know. It's like the Twilight Zone except with black people.

So I guess now we just have to wait for the results of the DNA test.

Yeah.

What you doing?

Looking at some old photos.

I remember that day.

That was the county fair.

What's that in my hair?

Cotton candy.

I hate cotton candy. I know, but I love it.

I accidentally dropped it on your head when I was trying to balance it with my

snow cone and popcorn.

That was the scariest day of my life.

Why? Did they run out of cotton candy?

Yes, but that's not the reason.

I turned my head for a second and you were gone.

Baby, I was frantic. I thought I had lost you.

And I know it was only for ten minutes, but it felt like days.

I don't even remember that.

And I'll never forget it.

You know, I want you to know I don't care what happened.

I wouldn't change a thing.

Except for those 89 hours of labor.

And losing my 29 -inch waist.

If it's all the same to you, I don't care what the DNA test says.

I know who my mama is.

And I know who my pudding is.

I love you, baby.

I love you too, mama.

Are you in there?

Oh, that's odd. My key doesn't work.

He done changed the locks on me. Again.

Hi, is this Bob Locksmith?

Oh, hey, Bob.

It's Nikki.

Nikki Ogilvie.

Hi, Marge.

Yeah, you know that... Absent -minded husband of mine. I'm locked out again.

Great. Fifteen minutes?

Okay, I'll meet you out front.

That silly professor, when will he ever learn?

This is my friend Ann Dellen. She was just leaving.

No, I ain't.

Gladys, that's free in Italian for Latin.

So what kind of music do you like?

Baby, give me some punk amalek and fock it down.

I can't work like this.