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1
00:00:06,030 --> 00:00:09,490
I can't believe I'm missing the most
jumping party of the year to write this
2
00:00:09,490 --> 00:00:10,490
stupid paper.
3
00:00:10,630 --> 00:00:13,230
Oh, well, better a stupid paper than a
stupid camp.
4
00:00:15,270 --> 00:00:18,410
But, hey, if you're happy just getting
by, go right ahead.
5
00:00:18,870 --> 00:00:19,870
Okay, thanks.
6
00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:26,770
Girl, if you don't get back to work, the
professor's going to give you an F.
7
00:00:29,370 --> 00:00:31,970
Dang the professor and his creative
writing class.
8
00:00:32,390 --> 00:00:33,770
Where am I going to get an idea?
9
00:00:37,770 --> 00:00:39,790
we continue with our Dallas Marathon.
10
00:00:40,130 --> 00:00:41,410
Ooh, Dallas.
11
00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:43,610
Cool show.
12
00:00:43,930 --> 00:00:45,570
They needed more flavor.
13
00:00:46,090 --> 00:00:47,630
You should have called it Detroit.
14
00:00:48,230 --> 00:00:50,270
Eh, too plain.
15
00:00:51,150 --> 00:00:52,450
I'll call it Atlanta.
16
00:00:57,270 --> 00:01:00,850
Starring D .C. Washington, Black Hair
Tycoon.
17
00:01:01,310 --> 00:01:03,270
owner of Stay Straighter hair oil
products.
18
00:01:03,830 --> 00:01:09,950
Alizé Washington, ruthless, lousy
businesswoman, former wife of D .C., and
19
00:01:09,950 --> 00:01:11,950
of Stay Curly hair oil products.
20
00:01:12,470 --> 00:01:19,330
Blith Ann Washington, daughter of Alizé
in D .C., nasty temper, spoiled, and
21
00:01:19,330 --> 00:01:20,330
greedy.
22
00:01:21,290 --> 00:01:27,740
Rhinestone Washington, a boozing Atlanta
socialite, wife of D .C., and bitter
23
00:01:27,740 --> 00:01:29,440
arch rival of Alizé.
24
00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:35,260
Armand Washington, jet setter, and
international playboy, son of DC and
25
00:01:35,260 --> 00:01:38,760
Rhinestone. And humble stable girl,
Billie Jean.
26
00:01:39,420 --> 00:01:45,100
Along with faithful servants, Pearl the
feisty maid, and her frisky Jamaican
27
00:01:45,100 --> 00:01:46,540
husband, Rollo the butler.
28
00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:51,220
Well, it tastes like you made it with
your own two feet.
29
00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:55,080
Let me tell you she was looking.
30
00:02:58,100 --> 00:02:59,440
Hey, sis, what's going on?
31
00:02:59,900 --> 00:03:01,400
Pearl tried to poison me.
32
00:03:02,660 --> 00:03:04,160
Remind me to give her a raise.
33
00:03:07,260 --> 00:03:12,060
Please, Miss Blissanne, let me go to Pie
Pie's and pick up your favorite, a two
34
00:03:12,060 --> 00:03:13,060
-piece and biscuit.
35
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:33,740
This before, we can't fire Pearl and
Rollo. They've been with this family,
36
00:03:33,860 --> 00:03:35,660
since before you were born.
37
00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:39,600
And Pearl was your stepbrother's
wedding, Mary?
38
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:41,360
Yes, those were the days.
39
00:03:42,980 --> 00:03:46,720
Well, if you don't fire them, I demand
another oil fee.
40
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:50,120
How about your own private jet instead?
41
00:03:50,780 --> 00:03:52,280
Like I need two of those.
42
00:03:54,140 --> 00:03:56,600
Okay, okay, I'll buy you an oil field.
43
00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:58,680
But the Saudis have to stay.
44
00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:03,720
Here, fetch me my morning martini and my
vitamins, please.
45
00:04:04,900 --> 00:04:08,740
Well, son, aren't you going to introduce
us to your play toys?
46
00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:10,120
Oh, my bad.
47
00:04:10,220 --> 00:04:13,380
This is... Well, I know one of them is
Bunny.
48
00:04:15,740 --> 00:04:17,300
I'm sorry to disturb you, sir.
49
00:04:17,579 --> 00:04:19,320
Oh, what now, stable girl?
50
00:04:20,220 --> 00:04:22,920
Well, I was just wondering if I could
get a raise.
51
00:04:28,970 --> 00:04:31,710
It's just that the horses need shoes,
and so do I.
52
00:04:31,910 --> 00:04:33,970
Oh, you poor thing.
53
00:04:35,010 --> 00:04:36,010
Get the door.
54
00:04:37,590 --> 00:04:41,470
Can you believe her? She's only been
here two years, and she's already asking
55
00:04:41,470 --> 00:04:42,429
for a raise?
56
00:04:42,430 --> 00:04:45,450
I know. We give her a place to stay and
all the oats she can eat.
57
00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:02,120
the underbelly of a whore.
58
00:05:03,500 --> 00:05:08,400
Alizé, here at Pitchfork Ranch, it's
customary to greet someone when you
59
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:09,400
their mansion.
60
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:11,320
My bad.
61
00:05:11,660 --> 00:05:13,720
Good morning, gold -digging heifer.
62
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:18,100
Morning to you too, brazen hussy.
63
00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:22,180
All right, all right. Enough of the
niceties.
64
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:24,340
Why are you here, Alizé?
65
00:05:25,100 --> 00:05:28,040
Don't I have a right to visit my one and
only child?
66
00:05:29,140 --> 00:05:30,320
Okay, enough bonding.
67
00:05:34,860 --> 00:05:35,960
My name is Billie Jean.
68
00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:37,240
Change it.
69
00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:40,840
I'm going to the liquor bar.
70
00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:46,440
Well, could you drop me off at Roscoe's
Giddens and Waffles? I haven't eaten
71
00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:47,440
there in a long time.
72
00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:48,760
We were there this morning.
73
00:05:49,020 --> 00:05:50,780
Well, you know, loose sex makes a girl
hungry.
74
00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:54,740
Go draw me a bath.
75
00:05:55,700 --> 00:05:56,700
Come on, hurry up.
76
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:02,680
What do you want, Alizé?
77
00:06:03,790 --> 00:06:09,970
Now, D .C. darling, is that any way to
speak to your ex -wife and the best
78
00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:10,990
you've ever had?
79
00:06:14,230 --> 00:06:17,350
So, what is this visit going to cost me?
80
00:06:18,290 --> 00:06:20,210
Besides the crushed pelvis?
81
00:06:21,470 --> 00:06:24,810
Not much. Just control and interest in
your company.
82
00:06:29,190 --> 00:06:30,490
That'll never happen.
83
00:06:31,450 --> 00:06:33,050
Don't be so sure of that.
84
00:06:36,490 --> 00:06:38,030
Me and my secretary?
85
00:06:38,690 --> 00:06:39,690
No.
86
00:06:40,450 --> 00:06:41,770
Me and the mayor's wife?
87
00:06:43,670 --> 00:06:44,730
Me and the mayor?
88
00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:46,030
No.
89
00:06:46,310 --> 00:06:47,310
Really?
90
00:06:47,970 --> 00:06:49,590
They're pictures of bald women.
91
00:06:50,530 --> 00:06:51,570
How'd you get these?
92
00:06:52,490 --> 00:06:54,930
Don't you worry your pretty process here
about that.
93
00:06:55,330 --> 00:06:59,830
See, they used your latest product, Perm
Forever, but now they'll be bald
94
00:06:59,830 --> 00:07:04,090
forever. And it'll be a pity if the
newspapers got a hold of this.
95
00:07:04,510 --> 00:07:05,510
What do you want?
96
00:07:05,820 --> 00:07:06,820
A merger.
97
00:07:10,260 --> 00:07:14,920
Between your company and my company.
With me as CEO.
98
00:07:15,420 --> 00:07:19,580
Head honcho, big wig, big baller, shot
caller.
99
00:07:21,340 --> 00:07:25,620
Now look, I want you to make a big
announcement tonight at the party. What
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00:07:25,620 --> 00:07:27,940
party? The party you're throwing for me.
101
00:07:30,860 --> 00:07:31,860
Run out!
102
00:07:31,940 --> 00:07:32,940
Walkman!
103
00:07:33,340 --> 00:07:34,800
Show her the door.
104
00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:37,520
It's over there.
105
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,900
That big wooden thing with a handle.
106
00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:43,860
I'm not done yet.
107
00:07:47,820 --> 00:07:51,120
So, we see everything's going as
planned.
108
00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:53,300
Just like you mapped it out, baby.
109
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:56,840
Once DC signs those papers, this will
all be ours.
110
00:07:57,320 --> 00:07:58,380
Good, good, good.
111
00:07:58,700 --> 00:08:03,560
Then I'll finally be able to get rid of
Pearl and be with you, my one and only
112
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:04,560
love.
113
00:08:04,650 --> 00:08:07,010
Till tonight, my darling. Soon come.
114
00:08:07,850 --> 00:08:09,230
Soon will come.
115
00:08:10,970 --> 00:08:13,690
What do you think you're doing, Rallo?
116
00:08:15,950 --> 00:08:17,190
Securing our future.
117
00:08:21,190 --> 00:08:23,270
Well, our plan is working.
118
00:08:23,550 --> 00:08:24,930
Like clockwork.
119
00:08:25,230 --> 00:08:27,030
I want an ugly love.
120
00:08:27,330 --> 00:08:32,350
As soon as DC signs the company over to
LSA, me marry LSA, don't...
121
00:08:33,039 --> 00:08:34,440
and get rid of you.
122
00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:36,240
No, no, that's wrong.
123
00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:43,620
What me meant was me dump Pearl, marry
and murder Alizé and you and I will be
124
00:08:43,620 --> 00:08:45,620
the richest couple in black America.
125
00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:49,420
And he'll be so broke we'll make him my
butler.
126
00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:08,980
Oh, that's nothing. My daddy promised to
buy me an island with real humans on
127
00:09:08,980 --> 00:09:09,980
it.
128
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:14,700
Stable girl, this champagne is nasty.
129
00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:17,920
Go down to the malt liquor selling, get
me a 40.
130
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:19,880
Okay, shorty.
131
00:09:22,420 --> 00:09:24,660
You ain't gonna let me take you away
from all this.
132
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,420
Boy, what are you talking about? I
nursed you.
133
00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:28,720
I know.
134
00:09:32,260 --> 00:09:33,320
Attention, everyone.
135
00:09:35,150 --> 00:09:36,150
your attention, please.
136
00:09:37,470 --> 00:09:43,150
Tonight, with my signature, you'll
witness the largest merger of black hair
137
00:09:43,150 --> 00:09:44,930
products in American history.
138
00:09:46,870 --> 00:09:52,050
Stay straighter and stay pearly. We'll
become one entity. Stay wavy.
139
00:09:55,270 --> 00:09:57,370
Dang, Daddy, we're gonna be even richer.
140
00:09:58,550 --> 00:10:02,090
Not us, honey. Your mama's gonna run the
business.
141
00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:04,950
signature on these papers, and then I'm
gonna get paid.
142
00:11:05,350 --> 00:11:07,290
Give me back. Money belongs to me.
143
00:11:07,510 --> 00:11:10,250
Beat it, you booze and bimbo. The money
is mine.
144
00:11:19,730 --> 00:11:26,550
Look at
145
00:11:26,550 --> 00:11:29,590
her. She's lucky all I broke was her
neck.
146
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:33,880
She broke my neck, punctured my lung,
and knocked out my teeth.
147
00:11:34,100 --> 00:11:35,800
I'm still getting paid.
148
00:11:36,340 --> 00:11:37,340
Hmm.
149
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:44,480
I'm going to open a chain of drive -thru
male strip clubs.
150
00:11:45,060 --> 00:11:47,320
I'll call it McStrippendales.
151
00:11:49,380 --> 00:11:52,820
Can't believe I have to talk with this
thorny accent.
152
00:11:54,620 --> 00:11:57,980
With that kind of money, I could buy you
half this mansion and all the girls,
153
00:11:58,020 --> 00:11:59,020
too.
154
00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:05,800
I could end world hunger, but I won't.
155
00:12:08,940 --> 00:12:13,860
Good morning. My name is Lonnie Cochran,
and I'll be reading Mr. D .C.
156
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:15,480
Washington's last will and testament.
157
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:20,600
Let's begin.
158
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:30,980
I, District of Columbia, Washington,
being of sound mind and body, do
159
00:12:30,980 --> 00:12:32,080
hereby leave the following.
160
00:12:32,750 --> 00:12:33,750
To Alizé.
161
00:12:33,790 --> 00:12:35,070
Oh, Jesus.
162
00:12:37,510 --> 00:12:42,270
My greedy, self -centered first wife. I
leave one nickel.
163
00:12:42,570 --> 00:12:43,570
What?
164
00:12:45,950 --> 00:12:49,790
Representing one cent for each tortured
year I was married to her.
165
00:12:52,790 --> 00:12:55,090
To my drunken wife, Rhinestone.
166
00:12:57,410 --> 00:12:59,990
Who nearly sped me into destitution.
167
00:13:00,290 --> 00:13:03,820
I leave you the 1 -8. number to the
Betty Ford class.
168
00:13:41,290 --> 00:13:42,290
I'm getting to that.
169
00:13:42,770 --> 00:13:47,790
As for my entire hair oil dynasty, that
is to be divided amongst my three
170
00:13:47,790 --> 00:13:48,790
children.
171
00:13:49,730 --> 00:13:51,330
But there's only two of us.
172
00:13:51,550 --> 00:13:55,470
No, D .C. had a third child, born 19
years ago.
173
00:13:56,610 --> 00:13:57,730
Well, who is it?
174
00:13:58,010 --> 00:13:59,010
No one knows.
175
00:13:59,530 --> 00:14:00,990
Not even D .C.
176
00:14:01,190 --> 00:14:04,250
knew. It doesn't matter. Me and my
sister will take this, sir.
177
00:14:06,090 --> 00:14:10,850
You and your sister are free to do just
that if no one comes forward within 24
178
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:11,850
hours.
179
00:14:14,470 --> 00:14:15,470
One more thing.
180
00:14:15,850 --> 00:14:20,070
Each child must take a DNA test before
they can receive the inheritance.
181
00:14:20,430 --> 00:14:22,010
What? A DNA test?
182
00:14:22,310 --> 00:14:23,990
Oh, I hope there's no Maya.
183
00:14:27,190 --> 00:14:30,670
But why? To verify that these are D
.C.'s children.
184
00:14:31,030 --> 00:14:32,610
He had his doubts.
185
00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:51,330
Lonnie's not coming.
186
00:14:51,570 --> 00:14:55,870
We don't need some stupid test to tell
us who DC's children are. That's right.
187
00:14:56,310 --> 00:15:01,850
Besides, we deserve... I mean, our kids
deserve that money.
188
00:15:02,810 --> 00:15:03,870
I'll drink to that.
189
00:15:07,890 --> 00:15:09,070
Good morning, everyone.
190
00:15:09,730 --> 00:15:11,010
Sorry I was delayed.
191
00:15:11,630 --> 00:15:13,710
Uh, what are you doing here?
192
00:15:13,950 --> 00:15:16,410
Yeah, didn't your brakes go off? Didn't
your steering wheel lock up?
193
00:15:16,770 --> 00:15:18,530
As a matter of fact, all that did
happen.
194
00:15:19,340 --> 00:15:20,340
How did you know?
195
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:21,880
Lucky guess.
196
00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:25,140
Man, you survived all that?
197
00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:26,360
Yes, I did.
198
00:15:26,460 --> 00:15:30,440
But unfortunately, my girlfriend didn't.
We switched cars this morning.
199
00:15:31,580 --> 00:15:32,580
Shall we begin?
200
00:15:32,940 --> 00:15:35,020
I have the results of the DNA test.
201
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:36,420
What does it say?
202
00:15:42,740 --> 00:15:44,500
It says DC is in my pops.
203
00:15:44,780 --> 00:15:47,480
Ha! I always knew you were a little
bastard.
204
00:15:51,050 --> 00:15:54,730
I hate to tell you this, Armand, but
Rollo is your real daddy.
205
00:15:55,030 --> 00:15:58,750
What? You did it with the butler? It
wasn't my fault. I was sober.
206
00:16:00,950 --> 00:16:02,690
You're great, Mom, for me.
207
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:04,730
Getting lost, butler boy.
208
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:10,250
Not so fast, Blithanne.
209
00:16:13,370 --> 00:16:15,090
Daddy wasn't my daddy.
210
00:16:16,830 --> 00:16:19,470
Look, baby, I never thought it would
come to this.
211
00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:21,940
I always imagined I would outlive you.
212
00:16:24,420 --> 00:16:25,980
Now who's the bastard child?
213
00:16:26,340 --> 00:16:28,320
Well, at least I'm not the butler's
child.
214
00:16:28,700 --> 00:16:32,760
Well, actually, baby, you're the butler
and the maid's child.
215
00:16:33,980 --> 00:16:35,600
You did it with the maid?
216
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:38,480
No, baby.
217
00:16:38,860 --> 00:16:39,940
Let me explain.
218
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:45,400
See, it was 20 years ago, and I was
pregnant, and D .C. desperately wanted a
219
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:48,200
child, but I felt ill, and I miscarried.
220
00:16:49,420 --> 00:16:54,640
But Pearl was pregnant, too, so I made a
deal with Pearl and Rollo. You made a
221
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,240
deal? You bought me?
222
00:16:56,600 --> 00:17:00,780
Yeah. It cost me an all -expense -paid
trip to Atlantic City.
223
00:17:01,140 --> 00:17:02,140
Is that out?
224
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:04,700
No, I threw in $100 worth of chips.
225
00:17:07,839 --> 00:17:11,839
So where does that leave us, Mr.
Cochran? Yeah, who gets the money now?
226
00:17:12,119 --> 00:17:13,940
I know who the missing child is.
227
00:17:14,819 --> 00:17:17,380
A year after my darling Blissanne was
born.
228
00:17:19,339 --> 00:17:20,859
I gave birth to another child.
229
00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:22,440
D .C.'s child.
230
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:27,079
But then he threatened me, so I had no
choice but to send her away.
231
00:17:27,859 --> 00:17:28,920
Well, where is she?
232
00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:37,260
Pearl asked me to test Billie Jean.
233
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:43,260
And the results confirm that she is sole
heir to the black hair oil fortune.
234
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:48,180
Billie Jean, I hereby release D .C.'s
entire estate to you.
235
00:17:48,570 --> 00:17:49,570
Congratulations.
236
00:17:50,490 --> 00:17:54,410
Wait one kinky curl minute. She can't be
their daughter.
237
00:17:55,070 --> 00:17:57,230
They're black, and she's white.
238
00:17:58,630 --> 00:18:01,430
She's not white. She's just light
-skinned.
239
00:18:22,670 --> 00:18:23,670
Yes, I am.
240
00:18:23,830 --> 00:18:25,730
Damn! How is that possible?
241
00:18:26,010 --> 00:18:27,490
I faked my own death.
242
00:18:27,870 --> 00:18:28,870
But why?
243
00:18:31,070 --> 00:18:37,350
I wanted to expose you all for the low
-down, backstabbing, lying cheaters you
244
00:18:37,350 --> 00:18:38,349
all are.
245
00:18:38,350 --> 00:18:39,350
Oh, Daddy!
246
00:18:39,810 --> 00:18:42,590
You may not have felt me, but I'm still
your little girl.
247
00:18:42,990 --> 00:18:44,750
Get away, you imposter!
248
00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:00,080
to the money now.
249
00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:05,320
Well, the money will still be mine and
you'll still work in the stable.
250
00:19:07,020 --> 00:19:08,500
Could I at least get some shoes?
251
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,000
Wear the horses.
252
00:19:14,580 --> 00:19:16,040
Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.
253
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:20,080
Oh, no!
254
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:21,520
Who shot DC?
255
00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:24,240
Guess we'll have to wait until next
season.
256
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:28,360
No, you won't. I shot him.
257
00:19:29,130 --> 00:19:33,750
From the best years of my life and all
he left me were some funky mocks? I
258
00:19:33,750 --> 00:19:34,750
think so.
259
00:19:45,250 --> 00:19:48,250
Just before the trial, Billie Jean and
Pearl fled.
260
00:19:48,450 --> 00:19:50,570
I mean, relocated to Peru.
261
00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:55,090
But they lived happily ever after. So
what do you think, Mama? Isn't it good?
262
00:19:55,430 --> 00:19:58,010
Yeah. It was even better on Dallas.
263
00:19:58,330 --> 00:19:59,930
Kim, you're plagiarist.
264
00:20:00,390 --> 00:20:03,590
No, Mama. I like people of all colors.
265
00:20:06,870 --> 00:20:09,330
Plagiarism means you copied someone's
work.
266
00:20:09,590 --> 00:20:10,970
No, that would be Tracy.
267
00:20:14,430 --> 00:20:19,130
Now, I want you to sit here and come up
with something original.
268
00:20:20,150 --> 00:20:21,410
Mama, it's hard.
269
00:20:21,870 --> 00:20:24,950
Just relax and let your mind go blank.
270
00:20:25,580 --> 00:20:26,920
Now I know you can do that.
271
00:20:32,180 --> 00:20:35,340
Leave it to an old person to remember an
old show like Dallas.
272
00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:38,500
Now what am I going to write about?
273
00:20:57,820 --> 00:20:58,820
What do you want?
274
00:20:58,940 --> 00:21:02,480
A merger between your company and my
company.
275
00:21:04,340 --> 00:21:09,740
I see me plan is going as planned. That
didn't make no damn sense.
276
00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:11,760
But I liked it.
20977
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