Original subtitles

Hey, Woody.

Hey, how y 'all doing?

All right.

Okay, Kim, your book's coming to $519 .50.

How'd you like to pay for it?

Visa? MasterCard? No, Mama.

Out of my way, baby. At these prices, you'd think Oprah would come by and read

them to us.

Well, with this card, Stedman wouldn't even read them to you.

Here, try this.

Now the machine's getting angry.

Look, why don't you just try using your library card?

They take that here?

I cannot believe we are sorority sisters.

Well, believe it, Hank.

Never mind, baby. I guess I didn't get my payment.

Well, you need to mail them first.

And you need to stay out of my business, because you don't know nothing about

me.

Okay, Woody.

I'll just write a check. That'll be fine.

Quick, baby, mail this.

a job.

A job? Uh -uh.

Mothers take care of daughters. You had me. I didn't have you.

And I can un -have you.

Get over to that job, boy.

You take one side. I'll take the other.

Oh, listen.

Make good money right in the comfort of your own home.

Oh, all you need is a pleasant voice in your own...

who wants me to do freaky things with my toes.

Unless, of course, it's Wesley Denzella.

Ooh, Professor Ogilvie.

Hey, Professor Ogilvie.

Ladies. And what might you be looking for besides me?

Oh, that's my cue. I'll be back.

Well, I'm leaving tomorrow to be guest professor at San Diego State for two

weeks, and my dog sitter fell through, so I was looking for somebody to watch

Bruno while I was gone.

Well, wow, wow, wow. I know all about dogs.

I used to be married to one.

Oh, good.

So then I guess you wouldn't be interested.

No, I'm very interested.

Really?

Well, I'm only paying $10 a day.

Nonsense. I couldn't take your money. Just take me out for a nice romantic

dinner when you get back.

Okay, $15.

You're so crazy.

Just drop them off at my house tomorrow, and we'll take it from there. I don't

know. Bruno's very important to me. Trust me. He'll be in good hands.

And if you play your cards right, so will you.

I'll see you tomorrow, Miss Parker.

Face it, Mama, that man doesn't want you like my man wants you. It's me.

Hey, T!

What's up, Kim?

Take note, Mama. This is the line you use to get your man.

Hey, T!

Would you like to take me to the movies tonight?

Hell yeah!

because I'm taking it back for a full refund.

Bonjour, little kid.

Hey, Desiree.

Hey, you're looking foxy, Miss Foo Boo Boo.

Foxy? Mama, hip lesson for today.

We say...

I'll bite your little furry butt back.

It's a note.

Dear Miss Parker.

He called me dear.

My baby loves me.

There are some things you need to know. It's very important that you... What?

Stop jocking me? Get off my tip? Leave me the hell alone?

Where's who's got jokes when you're sleeping next to Bruno?

is missing.

Oh, well, if it was that important, he would have told me. Come on, Kim. Let's

go make some bites.

Stu Pappas. How can I help you? Hi, I'm Kim Parker.

And this is my mother, Mama.

Kim?

Nice to meet you.

Mama?

Uh -uh. I ain't your mama. The name's Nikki.

I'm gonna get straight to it, Stu.

Does this job include talking dirty?

No, no. That's two doors down.

This is the karmic connection.

You mean this is the psychic hotline?

How'd you know that? You got a natural -born talent, young lady.

Well, I always felt like I had psychic abilities.

I mean, I knew the Wild Wild West would be a Wild Wild mess.

The force is very strong with this one.

What about you, Nikki? You ever feel you have any special abilities?

Yes.

I'm blessed with the ability to detect bull crap.

Okay. Okay, I hear you.

Let's just take this simple test and see where you're at psychically.

Now, I want you to concentrate.

Can you tell me what word is written on the other side of this card?

No.

Amazing.

You would be surprised how many people get that wrong.

So do we have the job?

Oh, you have your own phone?

Uh -huh. Well, you both do have loud, clear voices.

Sure do.

Congratulations. You just passed our rigorous eligibility test.

Oh, how much money can we make?

Well, let's just say it's all about Benjamin.

You make 25 % on every call you take, and before you know it, you'll be living

on Easy Street.

Ooh, that's always been my favorite address.

Isn't that somewhere near Dumbass Boulevard?

Jill, Mama, I thought you said we needed a job. We don't need just any job. Yes,

we do. Right now, we're living la vida broca.

I'll tell you what, Nicky, maybe this might help ease your mind. I don't

do this, but I'm sensing big dollars for the both of you. Ooh, you got good

sense. So I'm going to post -date this check, and in one week, if I'm wrong,

feel free to cash it. You're going to have to write me a check for a whole lot

more than $2 ,500.

Madam Nubian, no, I don't know if Don King is going to give Mike Tyson his

back. Oh, you did.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mike.

Princess Destiny, you got the dime, I got the time.

When will you die?

Well, how old are you?

Ninety -seven soon.

73rd call today.

I'm starting to believe myself.

If we keep getting calls like this, we won't even need college.

Uh -uh. Speak for yourself.

I'm getting my education, and I'm going to move on up to my deluxe apartment in

the sky.

I got it, Weezy.

Princess Destiny, your future is my commission.

Yeah, hi.

I've never done this before. My name is... T?

Dang, you good.

How may Prince of Destiny help you?

Well, uh, somebody taped your car to a rock and threw it through my window last

night. So, uh, I took it as a silence. I need to call you.

Wise decision.

Speak to me. Well, I met this really fly girl, and I was wondering if you could,

uh, see a future for us.

Let's see. If her name's Chandra.

Right. She ain't no good.

Really? Really. I see you with a lovely creature whose name begins with a K.

and ends with an M.

Begins with a K and ends with an M?

Nope, I don't see it.

And I'm also seeing one eye.

Sony has one eye.

Forget it, I just look for Miss K .I .M. in a baby blue top and some black capri

pants. Miss K .I .M. in a baby blue top and black capri pants?

Okay, peace.

Ooh, he's a full package. Tall, dark, and stupid.

Oh,

hi, Miss Agnes.

Yes, I said that your husband Fred will contact you today.

He didn't?

You went out to get your mail, didn't you?

Darn, that's when he tried.

Oh, hey, Stu.

Hey, Stu, what brings you by?

Hello, ladies.

You didn't happen to cash that check I gave you, did you?

Kim, go get Mama's belt.

No, wait, you don't understand.

I want to take back that check and...

I'll give you this one.

Grab your jacket, baby. The BMW dealership closes in 15 minutes.

That's $314.

So what's it going to be this time, ladies?

MasterCard? Visa?

Blockbuster?

Ha, ha. We come bearing cash.

Bam! That's $100.

That's 200.

Stand back. Mama's got bank.

That's 300.

And a baby.

10, 11, 12, 13, 14.

I think that about covers everything here.

Damn, what'd y 'all do? Rob a bank?

What's up, Kim?

Oh, my bad. You look good, too.

Oh, these old black refants and baby blue blouse.

You know, a psychic told me I was going to meet a girl wearing your exact same

outfit. And?

That's freaky, huh?

I'll see you later.

Come on, sweetheart. Forget that boy. Trust Mama. Your babies would be crazy.

Agnes Douglas is just one of the new poor living on the streets of L .A. Miss

Douglas, how did you come to find yourself in this situation?

Well, after my husband Fred left me, I spent my life savings calling up one of

those psychic hotlines, wondering if I'd ever see him again.

Your whole life savings? Yes. I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God, that's Miss Agnes. Oh, don't be.

Madam Nubian says he's coming back.

Thank you.

Well, there you have it, folks. Another example of the exploitation of the weak

and the elderly.

Shame on you wherever you are, Madam Nubian.

This is Lisa Wong reporting.

Oh, Mama, thank God they don't know you're Madam Nubian. I mean, Madam Mama.

I can't believe my sweet Miss Agnes is broke and homeless because of us.

Us? I never spoke to Miss Agnes. Well, you're about to get your chance. Come

Come in, Miss Adams.

Oh, thank you for letting me stay. And as soon as Fred comes, I'll be on my

Now, now, don't you worry. You don't care a top about that.

Let's get you situated.

You weren't planning on putting her in my room, were you?

Oh, you really are psychic.

Now get that dog off your new bed.

Mama, what does a dog look like when it's dead?

Pretty much like that, except it wouldn't be breathing.

No, you mean exactly like that.

Girl, what are you talking about?

Yep, he's definitely dead.

I've been there.

Right now, he's floating towards that white light.

Oh, and I guess I better go get a hefty bag.

No!

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I'm over her.

She uses up all the hot water. She never gives me my phone message.

And she's starting to dip in my closet.

That's not the half of our problems.

According to my checkbook, baby, we're not going to be here much longer.

Between feeding Miss Agnes and you, I'm almost tapped out.

Oh, like you don't eat.

you can tell me how you plan to pay a $700 phone bill. What you talking about,

Mama?

Don't play me. That was the phone company.

They said over 4976 calls were made from here this past week.

Hold it right there, Auntie.

Well, since I found out that you two are frauds, I had to seek direction from

some...

Lassie, go home.

Be nice.

When I murder the professor, Lassie will be your brother.

Where's Bruno?

I don't know. He was here a minute ago.

Who left the kitchen door open?

Hold it, golden girl.

I was just letting in some fresh air.

It's getting a little close.

I told you I was coming by to pick up Bruno.

Bruno? And I know him from... Two weeks ago when I dropped him off.

Oh, that Bruno.

Come in, Professor.

Well, thank you for taking care of Bruno.

I hope his narcolepsy didn't flare up.

His narco -who?

Narcolepsy. He has a tendency to pass out at the drop of a hat.

It's like he's dead.

It was all in the note. You read it, didn't you?

Yeah, so where is he? Bruno, come here, boy.

He's running around here somewhere.

He's just like you. I can't keep up with him.

out of here. You mean you're really going to put her out on the streets?

Even better.

This is Nana Nubian.

Age is wisdom.

What am I wearing?

Oh, no, no. This is a psychic hotline, not a sex line.

Uh -huh.

No, I don't know when you'll have sex.

It's time for me to do my share.

Oh, baby, I'm so proud of you.

Give me some love.

Now ring Mama up.

That'll be $15 .29.

Is it all right if I write a check?

Sure, Mama.

ID, please.

I'm your mama.

I still need to see something.

How about I show you the stretch marks from when I carried you for 19 months?

You got the dime, I got the dime.

How old are you?

No. How old are you? I don't know.

Madam Nubian, what does your future hold?