Original subtitles

Oh, God, this thing never works. I'm gonna miss my favorite trophy.

Hi, Pop.

Who's that?

I'm Johnny Cash. I sing and play a little guitar.

How about that Johnny Cash is on the radio?

I'm not on the radio.

What? I can't hear you.

Why don't you turn the volume up?

Oh, okay.

show with our very special guest, our Johnny Cash.

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to make the market on the market show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise a curtain on the Muppet Show tonight.

Why do we always come here? I guess we'll never know.

It's like a kind of torture to have to watch the show.

It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, motivational, do -sing -what -we -call -a -Muppet Show!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, and howdy!

Tonight, the Muppet Show goes country -western, and our guest star is the king

of country -western music, Mr. Johnny Cash!

And as an added surprise, the show is going to be broadcast live over radio

station WHOG.

Why

are

you guys doing that? We're not even broadcasting yet.

Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out. Uh, excuse me? What? Just fixing to

check the sound.

Huh? Test in one, two, a boy named Sue, three, four, there ain't no more.

Yeah, terrific.

Now can I start the show? Oh, you can't start. We ain't broadcasting yet.

Well, I can't help that. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, before our radio broadcast

actually begins, here's a great country group. They used to be enemies, but, uh,

well, I'll let them tell their own stories. Here they are, the Martins and

Coys. Yay!

Get around me, children, and I'll tell a story of the mountains in the days when

guns were law.

When two families got to shooting, they always bouncing and shouting.

So just listen, folks, I'll tell you what I saw.

Oh, the Martins and the Coys, they were reckless mountain boys, and they took

the family shooting when they beat.

They would shoot each other quicker.

I'm going to bushwhack them from up here.

Neither one, I'm a music lover.

No shooting in the theater.

No fighting in the theater either.

Hey, that opening number bombed. Well, no bombing in the theater.

Now listen, what's all this stuff doing on my desk?

Mr. Frog, you said we could broadcast from y 'all's theater.

I said you could put a microphone on that stage.

Now, Fuzzy Bear, our next Fuzzy Bear.

Well, you see, your microphone, it feeds into your preamp here. Then you got

your mixing board and your patch panels.

Well, what's this wire here about? Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Whoa!

About neck high.

Uh, Fuzzy, are you okay?

Sheriff, could you please postpone my appointment?

I've got to go start talking.

Johnny Cash. Johnny Cash on stage, please.

Now, when are you going to start this broadcast of yours?

Well, whenever Big Tiny Tall Saddle gets here.

Howdy, howdy, frogs and neighbors.

And here he is. Big Tiny Tall Saddle here talking at you.

Okay, Billy Boy, you all settled up. Let's climb aboard old paint and get...

this here roundup a -goin'. Oh, you betcha, Big Tiny.

Uh, translate for me. Does that mean you're about to broadcast?

Yeah. Okay, I'll introduce Johnny Cash.

Who's that little green feller?

Well, I think he's called Gonzo the Frog.

Okay, and now it's time to introduce our very special guest, one of country

-western music's all -time great stars, ladies and gentlemen. Step aside there,

Gonzo. This is the Big Time.

Your own Big Tiny.

Get ready to go on the Big Tiny Tall Saddle Show.

Yes, sir. Thank you, thank you. Howdy, friends and neighbors.

This is Big Tiny Tall Saddle coming at you from radio station W -H -O -G -W

-H -O -B, where everybody has a swill time.

And tonight we're broadcasting live from... What's the name of this theater?

This is the Muppet Theater. Yeah, right. From the Muppet...

with an old buddy of mine, Mr.

Johnny Cash!

Mr. Johnny Cash!

Once a mighty herd of red -eyed cows he saw Flowing through the ragged skies

And up the cloudy shore Their

brands were still on fire And their hooves were made of steel Their horns

black and shiny And their hot breath he could feel

A bolt of fear went through him as they thundered through the sky.

For he saw the riders coming by, and he heard their mournful cry.

Yippee -yi -oh.

Yippee -yi -oh.

Yippee -yi -ay.

Yippee -yi -ay.

Ghost riders in the sky.

Their bait was gone, their eyes were blurred, their shirts all soaked with

sweat.

He was riding hard to catch that herd, but he ain't caught them yet.

They've got to ride forever on that range up in the sky.

On the horses farting fire,

as they ride on to hear their cry.

As the rider sloped on by him, he heard one call his name.

If you want to save your soul from hell, riding on our reins, cowboy, change

your ways. If they are with us, you will ride.

Trying to catch the devil's herd across these endless skies.

Yippee -ki -yay, oh.

ride horses are called cowboys, what do you call chickens that ride cows?

Stupid. Oh, thank you, thank you, Johnny Cash.

Now, that's what I call a real country classic.

Oh, excuse me, I think I'm on next.

You? Why, you're a dog.

Yep, ever since I was a pup.

Go bury a bone.

Get!

Wolf!

Now, that great old -time country act, Grandpa McGuire and his whistling

You're not Grandpa McGuire. I sent him home. Listen, I'm the one that says what

goes on and what doesn't go on on this show.

Let's have a big hand for this little fella. He's going to show off his

championship style.

That won him the Calaveras County Frog Jumping Contest.

I've never been in any frog jumping contest in my life. Billy Boy, you got

red hot marbles?

Sure do, Big Tiny.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Kermit, why are you getting so angry?

Oh, it's that big, tiny, tall saddle. I promised him he could do his radio show

here, but he acts like he owns this theater.

Big, tiny, tall saddle is as tough as a 25 -cent stick.

Well, he can't be that bad.

All I did was drop big, tiny, geek car pick.

It's getting worse.

goes on here at Mighty Hog Radio.

For that finger -licking country sound out in the boonies and far around, it's

-A -O -G.

All right, what's next?

Uh, Louisiana and the Gills Brothers.

Yeah, well, it better be good, Frog. I got plenty of these microphone stands

left, you know.

Yeah, yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, look.

Sometimes I do what I ought.

Sometimes I feel a great notion to jump in a net and get caught.

Everybody! Good night, Sardine.

Good night, Sardine.

Good night, Sardine. Good night, Sardine. I'll see you in my street.

Didn't even let Mom and Dad know.

But my soulmate got hooked on an earthworm.

And all I've got left is Shadrow.

Oh, stop floundering.

Stop your floundering.

Oh, you need a new purpose in life.

Don't do what that surgeon is urging.

Go home to your swell fish wife.

Sardine, I'll see you in my dreams.

Orville, he lost his sardine.

Well, finders, kippers.

Okay, well, moving right along with our evening of country western music, ladies

and gentlemen, once again, Mr. Johnny Cash.

Thank you. I'd like to make a special dedication now. I would like to do a

especially for a big, tiny, tall saddle.

It's his favorite song, and it goes something like this.

Yeah, excuse me, John, but can I play the piano on this song?

Well, I really don't think I need an accompanist on this song.

Oh, that's okay. That's what I'm here for. What are you going to sing? Well, I

don't think you know this song. Well, what key is it in?

Well, it's an A -flat. Okay, well, just give me an A and I'll flatten it myself.

You just sing and I'm going to follow right along.

Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you. Okay.

Jump in any time now.

Well, he's not very handsome to look at.

Are he, Jackie?

And he's like a fox.

And he's always...

killing my chicken.

Who's that?

That dirty old egg -sucking dog.

Here comes the chorus.

Egg -sucking dog.

This is terrible.

I'm gonna stomp your head in the ground.

If you don't stay out of my hen house,

you... Dirty old egg -sucking hounds.

Yeah, but that's a lie. I never touched a chicken in my life. I can't stand

them. They're nasty, scrawny old things.

Oh, it's nothing personal. It's just a song.

If he don't stop eating my eggs up.

Though I'm not a real bad guy.

I'm going to take my rifle and send him to that great

chicken house in the sky. Everybody sing.

Egg sucking dog.

I'm going to stomp your head in the ground.

They wouldn't do that. If you don't.

I told you, I don't like chickens. I hate chickens.

I heard that.

Get them, girls.

Hey, you know how dogs like their eggs cooked?

No. Pooched.

Oh, Billy Boy, this here radio broadcast is gonna be a hit.

Well, it's a dud for us dogs.

Fuzzy, if you're okay, I'll introduce you. Yes.

Fall back there, Gonzo the Frog. Who are you going to introduce?

No, no, the name is Kermit.

Okay, the bear's name is Kermit.

I got it. What does he do?

Well, if you must know, he's the comic. Aha.

Sorry, only one comic works the big, tiny, tall, saddle show.

My nephew, Wild Wally Whoopie.

What? Another comic?

Listen, on the Muppet Show, Fozzie Bear is the comic.

Yes.

Fozzie, Kermit Bear? What is it, a brother act?

Okay, folks, it's comedy time, and here is our own Fozzie. Hold on, little green

buddy. Which comic are you introducing?

I was introducing our own comedian. Yes, folks, and here he is, that wild wit of

the West, wonderful Wally Whoopie.

Fozzie Bear.

Hi -ya, hi -ya, hi -ya, hi -ya. Thank you.

Wonderful Wally Whoopty here on Whoa Nelly.

You folks watching on radio won't believe this, but I am standing next to

bear. Oh, no, no, no, sir. I'm not a wild, well, I mean, I'm a bear, but I'm

wild. Oh, listen, I don't blame you. I'm not wild about bears either.

I am a comedian.

A comedian. Do you know the most important thing about being a comedian?

No, what's the most important? Timing.

Let's hear one of your jokes, comedian.

Oh, all right.

See, this walrus, he goes into the theater.

Hey, you're not nervous, are you?

A little bit, yeah.

Oh, look.

Why, folks, he's as nervous as a frog on a freeway with his hopper busted.

Just go ahead with your little story now.

Thank you. And don't be nervous.

This better be good, folks.

What's the matter? Cat got your joke?

Listen, why don't you forget about being a comedian? Why don't you learn to ride

a bicycle and join the circus?

Oh, no, no. I want to get laughs.

Fall off the bike.

Listen, you've been a great stooge, and to show you what kind of guy Wally

Whoopie is, I'm inviting you up to my ranch for the weekend.

You mean... Oh, wow, thank you, thank you. Yes, I just want you to go up there

and relax. Oh, I will. Just stretch out on the floor and take it easy.

On the floor?

Yes, my regular rugs at the cleaners.

All right, let's hear it for the funniest man west of west of the Bay

Wally Whoopie. Come on out, Wally.

Ha, ha.

Hey, good man.

And while we're at it, let's have a murmur of sympathy for that poor sap

Bear.

Okay, that does it.

Listen, how dare you say things like that about my friend Fuzzy? This bear is

one of the stars of the Muppet Show. He's loving and friendly. Funny.

He's dedicated, loyal, trustworthy.

Funny.

Handsome, generous, sweet, gentle, charming.

Funny. And very, very funny.

Thank you.

Now,

tall saddle.

Just get out of the theater.

What? You heard me. My friends and I work hard every week to do a good show,

we don't need your kind around being mean and cruel.

Speaking of being cruel, I have this little trick I like to do with necks and

microphones. Oh, wait a minute, Mr.

Tostello. I was just out in the alley, and some kids were letting the air out

your horse.

My horse?

out of his horse?

Well, it's all I could think of.

Whatever, Scooter. Listen, you got rid of Tall Saddle. I can't thank you

Oh, gee, Kermit, I don't need thanks.

Of course, I could use some cash.

Well, of course you could use some cash.

Cash is exactly what we all need. So let's just sit back and enjoy the music

the one and only Johnny Cash!

to make like a train now.

Ah, baby.

We got married in a fever hotter than a pepper sprout.

We've been talking about Jackson ever since the fire went out.

I'm going to Jackson.

I'm going to mess around.

Honey, I'm going to Jackson.

Look out, Jackson town.

Yahoo!

Well, you

talk about

rambling. She's the fastest train on the line.

Hey, you talk about rambling.

She's the fastest train on the line.

That's that Orange Blossom Special rolling down the seaboard line.

It's that Orange Blossom Special rolling down the seaboard line.

It's that Orange Blossom Special rolling down the seaboard line.

But before we go, let us have a big round of applause for our guest star,

and gentlemen, Johnny Cash.

Thank

you,

Kermit. It's been my pleasure. I've really enjoyed being with you. Well, we

a good time, too, once we got rid of Big Tiny Tall Saddle.

Looks like you spoke too soon. Listen,

Big Tiny, I thought I told you once... Take it easy, Gonzo.

Just come back to borrow your bicycle pump.

What?

Well, I got to pump up old paint before they tow him away.

Pump up old paint?

I'll explain later. We'll see you next time on the Muppet Show.

What kind of show would you call that?

Frankly, I'd call it quits.

Quits! Quits!