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That's not funny.
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Hey, who are you?
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I'm a messenger. I've got a message here
from Benny Brillstein, the Yiddish
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yodeler.
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That's tonight's guest star.
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It says, oh, no, I'm not, and you can't
make me.
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But this is terrible.
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What do we do for a guest star?
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No one here but me and this turkey.
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Listen, what's your name?
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Langham. Chris Langham.
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You want a job?
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I don't believe it. He's going to book
the turkey.
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I don't know. Will it take very long?
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Listen, I'll have you out of here in
half an hour.
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How about that? A star is hatched.
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It's The Muppet Show with our very
special guest star, Chris Langham.
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come here, I guess we'll never know.
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It's like a kind of torture to have to
watch the show.
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Our special guest star is that brilliant
British... Just a second.
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Quick, Chris, what do you do? What have
you got?
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Well, how about being a comedian? You
know, being funny, telling jokes?
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I know one. I know one. Oh, good.
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Our guest star is that brilliant British
comedian, Mr. Chris Langham.
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Where do I start?
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Well, you can start right here. You can
introduce the opening number.
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Oh.
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Well, here it is, the opening number.
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This is really easy.
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You know, Robin, if you're ever in a
jam, here I am.
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If you're ever in a mess, S .O .S.
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Well, if you ever feel so happy you land
in jail, I'm your bail.
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It's friendship, friendship,
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just the perfect friendship.
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When all our friendships have been
forgot, ours will still be hot. A -la
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-da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da
-da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da
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-da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da
-da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da
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-da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da
-da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da
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-da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da
-da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da
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-da -da -da -da -da -da -da There's a
friend of yours down here who wants to
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you. I'll be right down.
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If you ever rub a tree, phone to me.
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If you ever eat down a well, ring my
bell.
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If you ever lose your teeth and you're
out to dine, borrow mine.
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It's friendship, friendship.
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If they ever black your eyes, put me
wise.
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If they ever cook your goose, turn me
loose.
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If you're ever in the boat and get lost
at sea, write to me.
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It's Bridget, Bridget.
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What's that?
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Oh, it doesn't sound good.
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We'll meet again.
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Don't know where. Don't know when.
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00:05:03,380 --> 00:05:04,900
Oh, I dare frogs.
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Hey, Slimy, you seen any whales?
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Okay, whales are scarcer than hen seats
these days, thanks to you guys.
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Yeah, give them a break.
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Not a chance.
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Sometimes you gotta stand up for your
friends.
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It's friendship, friendship.
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Just a perfect friendship.
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When other friendships are up the creek.
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Do you know how whales cry?
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No, how do they cry?
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Blubber, blubber, blubber. Blubber,
blubber, blubber.
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Blubber, blubber, blubber.
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How did it look, Scooter? Oh, terrific,
Kermit. It was a whale of a number.
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Not for us.
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Oh, okay.
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What's on now?
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Oh, Melissa and her magnetic moose.
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Magnetic moose, huh? Did you warn the
people in the front row about their
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fillings?
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Well, yeah.
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Oh, good. Well, tell Chris Langham he's
on next.
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The messenger?
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He's not a messenger anymore. He's a
guest star, and he's up in his room
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together an act.
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Oh, right.
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00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:29,440
What's he doing, trying on lampshades?
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Listen, Floyd, be nice to Chris. He's
very nervous. Show business is a big
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unknown to him. It's just a freak thing
he's here, so be kind.
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00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:42,380
Okay, so when do we see this nervous
unknown freak?
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Sorry.
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Hey, how'd it go, Melissa?
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Oh, you know, mostly wristwatches and
cockies.
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We'll return them later.
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00:06:53,860 --> 00:06:56,300
Yeah, track's all metal, huh? Great act.
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Not during hunting season.
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Ladies and gentlemen, sometimes a
performer comes along who needs no
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00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:08,880
introduction. This is not one of those
times.
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I mean, what can I tell you? This guy's
a great guy. He's a hard worker. He's a
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good messenger. And here he is to do
whatever he's going to do. Ladies and
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gentlemen, Chris Langham!
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And now the moment you've all been
waiting
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for.
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And there it goes.
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Now, you've come about the... About
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the show.
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That's right. You've come to see the
show.
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Well, this is the show.
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Here, you see?
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Oh, and a bit over there as well.
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I'm sorry, I'll get out of your way.
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It is good, isn't it?
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Watching the show.
107
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And while you watch the show, I've got a
little Scottish item that I'm going to
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do. So I'll get straight on with... And
with the help of these elastic knee
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-trembling devices here... Oh, actually,
I shouldn't just throw them down on the
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floor. I ought to use a little respect
because they were given to me by my
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father just after he had his legs taken
in.
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And now, sensation seekers, my
impression of autumn in Scotland.
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I thank you.
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But what's this?
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Peanuts.
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How kind of them to pay me in advance.
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Now, I must ask for complete silence
during the next section, as it could be
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extremely dangerous.
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Look, I'm only prepared to take this
seriously if you are.
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00:09:04,270 --> 00:09:07,090
The sooner we get this over with, the
sooner we can all go home, all right?
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Who do you know that the peanut is one
of the world's richest sources of
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protein? Oh, well, Chris Langham will be
glad. At least he'll die healthy.
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00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:41,780
Chris,
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are you okay?
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Huh? Hey, don't worry about it, kid.
There's a tough audience out there.
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Hey, listen.
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I had that audience right there.
128
00:09:56,430 --> 00:10:00,150
Hey, Kermit, this guy wants to talk to
you about the magnetic moose. Yeah, I
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00:10:00,150 --> 00:10:01,150
want my watch back.
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00:10:01,410 --> 00:10:04,170
Where is the magnetic moose? Oh, in the
canteen.
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00:10:04,430 --> 00:10:06,910
You let the magnetic moose in the
canteen?
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00:10:10,330 --> 00:10:11,330
Well,
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00:10:13,050 --> 00:10:14,330
now for this Muppet News flash.
134
00:10:14,770 --> 00:10:17,210
Stars fell on Alabama last night.
135
00:10:18,510 --> 00:10:21,990
But the weather bureau said it was a
freak storm and would never...
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00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:32,110
Mr. Langham, I would like to suggest a
more cultural approach to your act.
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What are you doing?
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I'm zen skiing.
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00:10:38,150 --> 00:10:39,650
Zen skiing.
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00:10:40,030 --> 00:10:42,050
I could have broken my leg.
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00:10:42,470 --> 00:10:47,170
Oh, forgive me. I've always had the
greatest respect for other people's
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beliefs. Crackpot beliefs?
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We believe in fondue.
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Fondue.
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Do you believe in fondue, too?
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00:10:58,170 --> 00:11:00,310
Well, I know it exists.
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00:11:00,730 --> 00:11:06,050
Of course you do. When you look deep
within your heart, you know that you'll
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find melted cheese.
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00:11:08,870 --> 00:11:11,910
I hope you're not going to do this sort
of thing in your act.
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00:11:13,310 --> 00:11:18,090
I have here in my hand this uncut pack
of sausages. I shall now cut the pack
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once and shuffle the sausages.
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as you can now see, thoroughly shuffled.
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Can you all see this?
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Now, please, sir, pick one sausage, any
sausage, from this pack of shuffled
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sausages in my hand, scrutinize it with
an intense scroot, and then please
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00:11:39,570 --> 00:11:41,850
memorize that sausage, if you would.
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00:11:42,550 --> 00:11:44,530
Have you committed that sausage to
memory?
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00:11:45,390 --> 00:11:48,350
Then pop it back into my hand along with
the rest of the pack.
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00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:52,620
I will once again shuffle these sausages
in a completely random and arbitrary
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order, and paper, and lo and behold,
eight, seven, six, five, four,
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three, two, and this is your sausage, is
it not?
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00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:06,800
Maybe
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it's
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because I'm a Londoner that I love.
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00:12:20,569 --> 00:12:26,590
Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner that I
think of her
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00:12:26,590 --> 00:12:28,250
wherever I go.
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00:12:29,050 --> 00:12:35,690
I get a funny feeling inside of me just
walking up
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and down.
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00:12:38,170 --> 00:12:41,770
Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner.
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everybody's cup of tea.
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Often you hear foreigners complain.
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00:12:56,560 --> 00:13:01,360
Why is a smoky city a theme to me?
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00:13:02,260 --> 00:13:06,580
There's magic in the fog and the rain.
174
00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:14,160
Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner that I
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love London so.
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I'm a Londoner, but I think of her
wherever I go. Oh, yeah.
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I get a funny feeling inside of me, just
walking up and
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down. You'll come back.
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00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:42,000
Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner that I
love London
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00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:43,000
town.
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00:14:07,170 --> 00:14:12,010
Okay, and now, ladies and gentlemen,
here is that fabulous young ex
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Chris Langham, explaining his new
invention.
183
00:14:16,710 --> 00:14:21,050
Hello. This is what I'm working on at
the moment.
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00:14:21,390 --> 00:14:24,110
It's a time travel apparatus.
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00:14:26,710 --> 00:14:33,200
Excuse me. If all my calculations are
correct, All I have to do is pull this
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00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:39,420
little lever here, and I go travelling
backwards through time.
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00:14:39,860 --> 00:14:46,140
Time through backwards travelling go I,
and here, lever little, this pull is to
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00:14:46,140 --> 00:14:47,440
do. Have I all correct?
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00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:50,740
My if. Me, excuse me.
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00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:56,720
Apparatus travel timer. It's moment the
atom working. I'm what is this? Hello.
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00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,600
That's the worst act I've ever seen on
this show.
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00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:03,800
Yes, and we just saw it twice. No!
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00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:08,160
A
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00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:15,280
year
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00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:20,600
ago last Thursday, I was strolling in
the zoo when I met a man who thought he
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00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:21,600
knew the law.
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00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:26,120
He was laying down the law about the
habits of baboons.
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00:15:26,540 --> 00:15:29,060
and the number of quills a porcupine has
got.
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00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:35,140
I asked him, what's that creature there?
He answered, it's a hulk. I might have
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00:15:35,140 --> 00:15:36,740
gone on thinking that was true.
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00:15:38,100 --> 00:15:44,440
If the animal in question hadn't put
that chap to shame and
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remarked, I ain't a hulk, I'm a canoe.
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00:15:49,460 --> 00:15:50,460
I'm a canoe.
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00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:52,300
I'm a canoe.
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00:15:53,290 --> 00:15:55,270
The nicest work of nature.
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00:15:57,190 --> 00:15:58,190
I'm a canoe.
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00:15:59,050 --> 00:16:00,210
How do you do?
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00:16:01,130 --> 00:16:02,990
You really ought to canoe.
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00:16:03,190 --> 00:16:04,190
Wahoo, wahoo.
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00:16:05,070 --> 00:16:06,070
I'm a canoe.
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00:16:06,850 --> 00:16:08,010
Spelled G -N -U.
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00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:11,870
I'm not a camel or a kangaroo.
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00:16:12,610 --> 00:16:14,650
So let me introduce.
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00:16:14,910 --> 00:16:19,850
I'm the man of moose. Oh, canoe, canoe,
canoe. I'm a canoe.
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00:16:30,670 --> 00:16:35,770
I had taken finished lodgings down at
Roslington -on -Sea, whence I travelled
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00:16:35,770 --> 00:16:37,130
to Ashton -under -Lyme.
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00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:43,350
And the second night I stayed there, I
was wakened from a dream, which I'll
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00:16:43,350 --> 00:16:45,490
you all about some other time.
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00:16:46,590 --> 00:16:51,910
Among the hunting trophies on the wall
above my bed, stuffed and mounted was a
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00:16:51,910 --> 00:16:53,110
face I thought I knew.
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00:16:54,450 --> 00:16:55,730
A bison?
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00:16:56,330 --> 00:16:57,470
An okapi?
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00:16:57,730 --> 00:16:58,970
Could it be...
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00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:00,540
A hearty bit.
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00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:03,060
Then I seem to hear a voice.
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00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:04,839
I'm a canoe.
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00:17:07,140 --> 00:17:08,140
I'm a canoe.
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00:17:08,740 --> 00:17:10,040
A another canoe.
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00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:14,160
I wish I could ganache my teeth at you.
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00:17:14,940 --> 00:17:15,940
I'm a canoe.
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00:17:16,660 --> 00:17:17,980
How do you do?
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00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:22,119
You really ought to canoe, wahoo's
wahoo.
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00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:23,760
I'm a canoe.
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00:17:24,599 --> 00:17:26,140
Spell G -N -U.
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00:17:27,020 --> 00:17:29,760
Call me Bison or a copy, and I'll sue.
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00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:34,680
G 'nor am I in the least, like that
dreadful hearty beast.
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00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:36,540
Oh, g 'nor, g 'nor, g 'nor.
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00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:37,800
I'm a g 'nor.
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00:17:38,940 --> 00:17:40,540
G 'nor, g 'nor, g 'nor.
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00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:41,920
I'm a g 'nor.
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00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:44,580
G 'nor, g 'nor, g 'nor.
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00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:47,720
I'm a g 'nor.
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00:17:50,860 --> 00:17:51,860
Well,
244
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:58,890
mate. Look, can I do my impression of an
owl for you?
245
00:17:59,350 --> 00:18:01,010
Well, sure, Chris, go ahead.
246
00:18:01,550 --> 00:18:03,370
I think you're going to enjoy this.
247
00:18:04,270 --> 00:18:05,350
It is good.
248
00:18:06,410 --> 00:18:09,230
It just takes just a second to get into
it, and then...
249
00:18:09,230 --> 00:18:15,290
It's all just the sort of stuff you can
do at home, you know.
250
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,770
but, you know, we have had lots of
people do bird impressions.
251
00:18:36,210 --> 00:18:37,210
Yes.
252
00:18:39,570 --> 00:18:41,950
Dead owl.
253
00:18:42,490 --> 00:18:43,510
Nobody's done that before.
254
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:44,790
It's a triumph.
255
00:18:46,690 --> 00:18:49,950
Well, if you ever think about it, there
are these strange pauses in this show
256
00:18:49,950 --> 00:18:51,630
when nothing happens on stage.
257
00:18:52,250 --> 00:18:53,590
Let's not think about it.
258
00:18:55,850 --> 00:18:56,850
Mr. Lamb!
259
00:18:58,910 --> 00:18:59,910
Won't you come in?
260
00:19:02,380 --> 00:19:03,520
Let me worship at your feet.
261
00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:05,080
All right.
262
00:19:06,060 --> 00:19:07,019
Fine, fine.
263
00:19:07,020 --> 00:19:08,020
Pedal eyes.
264
00:19:09,220 --> 00:19:14,900
Come on, Mr. Langham. The dead owl
sketch was the Sistine Chapel of
265
00:19:14,900 --> 00:19:15,900
acts.
266
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:20,200
Well, I got the idea from an uncle of
mine. He was in show business, actually.
267
00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,860
He had a fantastic escape artist trick.
268
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:27,080
Oh, what did he do? What did he do?
Well, his assistant would chain him up
269
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:29,480
old box with huge padlocks and then...
270
00:19:29,900 --> 00:19:35,240
From inside, he'd shout, um, hoopla, and
he'd just be sort of standing in front
271
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:36,019
of you.
272
00:19:36,020 --> 00:19:37,080
How did he do it?
273
00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:41,960
Well, it was so easy. It was ridiculous.
I can show you. Of course, I don't have
274
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:45,560
the chains and padlocks here, so it's
going to look even easier than it really
275
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:48,040
is, but you will get the general idea,
all right?
276
00:19:48,340 --> 00:19:49,500
Don't worry, I'm a professional.
277
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:51,760
Are you ready?
278
00:19:52,180 --> 00:19:53,180
Yes!
279
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:05,040
Okay.
280
00:20:37,930 --> 00:20:38,930
book this turkey.
281
00:20:40,150 --> 00:20:41,550
Listen, I'll tell you later.
282
00:20:41,890 --> 00:20:45,070
Chris, don't worry. We'll just cancel a
final number.
283
00:20:45,790 --> 00:20:47,890
Cancel? But why?
284
00:20:48,310 --> 00:20:49,970
How can you perform in that wardrobe?
285
00:20:51,090 --> 00:20:52,090
No trouble.
286
00:20:54,770 --> 00:20:56,610
The show must go on.
287
00:20:59,530 --> 00:21:03,590
Well, Kermit isn't here right now, so I
guess I get to do the introduction.
288
00:21:03,870 --> 00:21:06,970
Here once again, our British guest star
is an Hawaiian cowboy.
289
00:21:07,630 --> 00:21:09,110
Don't look at me. I didn't book them.
290
00:21:09,350 --> 00:21:11,610
Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Langer.
291
00:21:35,770 --> 00:21:38,990
A goopy, a goopy golem, howay, ow, hey,
a barley, ow, a dipper, and a hollery, a
292
00:21:38,990 --> 00:21:40,190
poo, and an yuck, a mawi.
293
00:21:41,450 --> 00:21:43,010
Aloha, Hawaiian cowboy.
294
00:22:10,940 --> 00:22:13,120
Memes, I love you, Hawaiian cowboy.
295
00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:41,800
Yes,
296
00:22:44,260 --> 00:22:45,880
I'm heading for the land round.
297
00:22:46,100 --> 00:22:47,280
Everybody sing.
298
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:55,000
Why not?
299
00:22:55,220 --> 00:22:58,680
You have to be nuts to sing Hawaiian
Cowboy.
300
00:23:10,419 --> 00:23:11,419
Well,
301
00:23:25,820 --> 00:23:29,140
we've had a terrific evening here on the
Muppet Show, and it's all thanks...
302
00:23:29,770 --> 00:23:33,970
special surprise guest, that messenger
turned superstar, Mr. Chris Langham.
303
00:23:34,830 --> 00:23:35,390
You
304
00:23:35,390 --> 00:23:42,390
know, there's
305
00:23:42,390 --> 00:23:48,050
one thing that you didn't ask me,
whether or not I have an electronic
306
00:23:48,430 --> 00:23:50,450
No, I didn't.
307
00:23:51,150 --> 00:23:53,230
All right. Yes, I have.
308
00:23:53,610 --> 00:23:58,290
It's a masterpiece of modern
microelectronics. A little amplification
309
00:23:58,290 --> 00:24:01,470
here with a radio microphone all tucked
up. I don't know. Can you see the scar?
310
00:24:01,970 --> 00:24:03,250
Uh, yeah.
311
00:24:04,390 --> 00:24:07,070
Plus, he told me you wouldn't be able to
see the scar.
312
00:24:07,510 --> 00:24:09,090
Uh, relax, Chris. Sorry.
313
00:24:09,530 --> 00:24:13,570
No, I've had a great time. I'm sorry.
I've enjoyed it from the first moment E
314
00:24:13,570 --> 00:24:19,770
-Nuts popped head until the last oat of
I'm Cowboy. I had a wonderful time.
315
00:24:20,150 --> 00:24:22,250
Are you okay? Oh, eating out.
316
00:24:22,510 --> 00:24:26,090
All right. All right.
317
00:24:26,310 --> 00:24:27,310
Audio, microphone.
318
00:24:27,590 --> 00:24:31,150
Hang on. Some problems with the... We'll
see you next time on the Muppet Show.
319
00:25:08,910 --> 00:25:12,770
It's a classic show business story.
Chris Langham walked into this theater a
320
00:25:12,770 --> 00:25:15,250
nobody. And he's walking out a has
-been.
24722
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