Original subtitles

Rubbish. Hey, hold on. Who are you?

Oh, I'm Wally Bogue. I'm the guest on tonight's Muppet show.

Wally Bogue.

Balloon animals.

Why, I haven't seen you in a long time, old buddy. Remember me, Pops?

Sorry, afraid I don't. Sure.

Must have been someone else. I've never been to Pittsburgh.

There. Oh, it must have been someone else. Well, sorry.

I wanted to give the guy back the $10 he loaned me.

Oh, that pops.

Good to see you again, pops.

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Wally.

Why do we always come here? I just will never know.

It's like a kind of torture to have to watch the show.

It's time to get things started.

week we try to do a real old -fashioned vaudeville show well this week we're

going to succeed that's because in the wings is that master vaudevillian and

king of comedy mr wally bogue yes so here for openers are the flying zucchini

brothers and their human cannonball act

your cannons and point them to the heavens.

That's squishy, squishy.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's ready for the big boom -a -boom -a.

Brothers, signal when ready.

Luigi! Luigi!

the scenery.

the Guinness Book of Records, on July 17, 1955, Wally Bogue opened the Golden

Horseshoe Review in Disneyland.

He's been doing five shows a day there ever since, a total of over 32 ,000

performances.

Yes. So having achieved his feat, he's decided to tempt fate and try to make it

through one performance on The Muppet Show. So here he is.

in my purse, I've got balloons.

I had balloons. Oh, well. Is there a psychiatrist in the house? Nothing

personal. It's just that I have a new theory in psychiatry. I can tell

troubles in their character by the way they blow up a toy balloon.

And it's much cheaper than a couch. Let me show you how it works.

For instance, the average normal person will blow a balloon something like that.

That's the average type. And then we have a straightforward person.

Straightforward type.

Some people are a little backwards.

Backwards? Yes, the backward type.

Did you see that?

Oh, I've got talent.

Here's a scatterbrain. Their mind jumps around a bit.

Red balloons would do the same thing. I think we'll get rid of that.

Now, to get the message, you have a person wrap up all of these thoughts,

them all together, and you find out something more about them.

I've made quite a name for myself doing this.

I don't like it. Me either.

You've heard of pink elephants?

Here's someone who sees pink elephants looking a little like that old pink

elephant right there.

Oh, you're so right. Let's take his trunk here now and make a little

out of it. I had an uncle who used to see elephants when he was inebriated,

drunk. He was a character. He was a kleptomaniac.

Kleptomaniac, that's a person who finds things before you lose them.

He's deformed. He only steals things now, beginning with A. A watch, A car, A

purse, A wallet, A rabbit. There's a little rabbit thing up there now.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Drew about to have a rabbit, washed his hair, and couldn't do a thing with her.

Perhaps you're right. This is just a normal husband leading the life of a

but he's a gay, debonair, French poodle -type dog, and there's a little...

problem there again.

I had a little French poodle. I had to sell my dog. He ran in front of a

lawnmower and it cut off his tail.

I sold him wholesale. I couldn't retail him.

Here's a near -sighted person.

We'll just wrap these up and now see what we have. Why don't you remember my

name again, folks?

Wally Bogue, because you'll be reading about me in the newspapers.

I smoke in bed.

Here's a very fancy dog. This is a police dog.

You might not recognize him. He's in the CIA.

Same dog going around the corner.

I'd like to make more for you, but something happened to my balloons. I had

whole lot of balloons.

There.

Can you tell anything about me from this?

Yeah, you got a round shape and you're full of hot air.

Oh, a green egg, Wally. I love that last balloon.

Oh, really? I thought I blew it.

Hi, Miss Piggy.

Yes, I hate playing dog acts.

Professional jealousy.

On with the vaudeville show. Here's the Muppet Show's answer to Lassie the

Amazing Foo Foo and her equally amazing trainer, Miss Pig.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Figured I was as close as she was going to get.

We shall do it again.

This time let her finish.

Maybe that trick's too hard for her. Have her do something simple like roll

and play dead.

Why don't you roll over and drop dead?

If I wanted her to do something simple, I would have had her play the piano and

make dumb remarks.

Would everyone like to see Foo Foo dance?

singers who have all kissed the blarney stone.

another popular expression down the drain? What's that?

The luck of the Irish.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, continuing with our vaudeville show,

Bog time.

And here he is to do the Highland Fling.

Don't play me like that.

Thank you. Thank you. I deserve it.

I am Scotch, you know. As a matter of fact, it was my great -grandfather,

McBogue, that gave me these very rare McBagbird here.

Isn't she pretty?

Can't fly, but what a voice.

A little history on the Magbird.

It was originated in Ireland in the 15th century, and the Irish gave them to the

Scots. And the Scots haven't caught on to the joke yet.

For my first number, I play by ear.

I play... I'm not well. My first number.

Come on, baby.

For its mummy.

Yeah. Just relax.

One more time.

One more time.

Oh, well. I'll give it a vitamin pill. That might help. Actually, I would like

to play.

I would like to play.

I've got to. A little song entitled, The Girl Next Door Lived the Life of a Dog,

So I Called Her Rover.

I shouldn't have, should I?

Here we go.

Of course, a lot of people. A lot of people.

I'm talking. Do you mind?

Thank you. A lot of people.

A lot of people.

I'll be right with you. A lot of people, I hear you, have said, Wally, that's my

maiden name, is it possible to play a melody on the bagpipes?

Is it possible to play a melody?

No. But I'd like to endeavor to play Swanee River, and I wonder if the band

would join me because I'm really coming apart.

You ready?

Swanee River.

In the rock time.

No hand.

Okay.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, a very special lullaby in gibberish.

There's a song that I recall my mother sang to me.

She sang it as she tucked me in when I was 93.

Are you ready?

This is it.

Nying -dong, nying -dong, nying -dong, nying -dong, nying -dong, nying -dong,

nying -dong, nying -dong, nying -dong, nying -dong, nying -dong,

nying

-dong.

Ow, I've had no game.

Okay, if anybody wants me, Pops, I'm getting some fresh air. Oh, great. You

watch the stage door while I'm away.

Hey, where are you going, Pops? Going to watch this show.

Well, let me know how I was.

Introducing the astounding illusionist, Dr.

Salamander, hypnotist, and newt. Yeah!

Aloha, Joe, and Elaine.

First, I need a bullet. tier from the audience.

Sir, you with the mustache? Yes, in the front row.

Somebody help him up.

Hey, get your dirty hands off my filthy arm.

That's good, sir. Just step right over here.

Wait a minute, Pops. What are you doing in the audience?

Come here to try to get some sleep.

Well, this is no time for that because I am going to...

Then I will command you to float up into the air, levitating against all laws of

gravity.

Wake up! Well, what is it now?

Now I'm going to put you to sleep.

You woke me up to tell me that?

All right.

Look it, just lie down here.

That's the first sensible thing you said all evening.

All right, look into my eyes, and by the time I count to ten, you will be

totally under my power.

One.

Up you go.

Levitate. Rise.

Rise. Up you go.

What do we do now?

Never, never take the heart of hearing.

He's headed towards the backstage.

Scooter, do something.

I'll slam the stage door, boss.

It's the one thing that always wakes Pops up.

Oh, hi, Wally. Oh, hi, Scooter. Am I on yet? No, we're just waiting for this act

to end. Good.

Now that looks like the end of an act.

Wally Boog and his world -famous western sketch.

I got the fastest draw in the West.

You want to see it? Yeah!

You want to see it again?

Once was a drought spread up Texas.

So the sunny California he didn't go.

And though the gag is kind of corny, he won't rain in California. That's the way

we got the Gulf of Mexico.

Just send us your dentist bill.

No problem.

You know that Wally Bogue is a multimillionaire. Oh, where'd he get his

The Tooth Fairy.