All language subtitles for the_muppet_show_s05e18_marty_feldman

Hi, I'm Brian Henson. Let me tell you a
little bit about how we train to perform

the Muppets.

It's kind of an interesting process
because what we do is we watch a monitor

that shows us what the camera's seeing,
and we reach up and we work the puppet

with our other hand.

And it's a complicated process, but the
idea is that you're meant

to look into the monitor and bring to
life that character and be the audience

and the audience's point of view.

We are trying to put on a classy show
here.

You can't treat me like that. I'll stick
my pet barracuda on you. Get her,

Kevin.

Of course, it's real difficult because
when the character turns to the right,

the camera sees it turning to the left,
which means you always have to think

backwards. Of course, it's The Muppets,
so thinking backwards comes naturally.

Here's The Muppet Show.

Wake up! The British are coming! The
British are coming!

Who are you?

I'm Marty Feldman. I'm British. I'm
coming.

Can I bring Loretta in?

Oh, sure.

Is she your wife?

Well, give us a chance. We've hardly
met.

Come on, little... Just a moment.

Calm it, Santa, for me.

Oh, yes.

Have any trouble?

Well, yes. You see, I forgot these
things run on water.

So, uh...

I had to fill that with petrol.

That's terrible.

It's the Muppet Show with our very

special guest star, Marty Feldman.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on the
Muppet Show tonight.

Why do we always come here? I guess
we'll never know.

It's like a kind of torture to have to
watch the show.

It's time to get things started on the
most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, Muppetational, please big
one, we call our Muppet Show!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, and
thank you! And welcome again to the

Muppet Show, where we're going to devote
the entire evening to the Arabian

Nights!

special treat, our guest star, ladies
and gentlemen, is the ever -popular

Feldman.

Yes. And so, without further ado, let
the story begin.

Once upon a time, there was an evil
caliph who had a thousand wives.

Every night he would ask one of his
wives to tell him a bedtime story.

If he didn't like the story, he would
chop off her head.

One night, a beautiful princess named
Scheherazade came to his harem.

I am the beautiful princess
Scheherazade.

It's a fantasy. I mean, you've got to
use your imagination.

Oh, mighty Caliph, I dance attendance
upon your every whim.

Would you like me to shake you about a
bit?

Or would you prefer a bedtime story?

Could I have that again?

A bedtime story?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I suppose you want the usual trashy
three bears or something like that? No,

no, no.

All

right.

It's going to be a long Arabian night,
folks.

Once upon a time, Zimba the Virgin and
his crew sailed to an island far,

far, far away into another set.

Aha! This cave, men, contains the
treasure of King Solomon.

Gosh, Captain Zimba, I'm scared. What if
there's an evil genie guarding the

treasure? Don't be silly. There's no
such thing as evil genies.

I'm going to eat you up. No, no, no, no,
you can't do that. You'd be making a

big mistake because us frogs taste
terrible.

Even with lots of ketchup?

Even with lots of ketchup, right, men?

Have I ever been accused of good taste,
men?

See? You're lucky I got no ketchup.

No,

you see, this all happened a thousand
years ago. It's too late.

I mean, it looks very good.

Very good.

1965,

I mean, that was a very good year for
Smilato.

Cheers.

Hmm.

You'll be titillated by its presumption,
but a little angry at its arrogance.

Can we get on with it?

If you feel you absolutely have to, yes.

Hey, listen,

why are you guarding this treasure
anyway?

Well, you see, there's this guy, Sinbad
the Sailor.

Yeah, well, anyway, he goes around
stealing treasure.

What's your name, anyway?

Uh, well, it's, uh, Sinbad. What? But
it's not Sinbad the Sailor. It's Sinbad

the Surfer.

Sinbad the Surfer?

You expect me to believe that?

Sure. Hit it, guys.

If everybody had an ocean across the
USA, then everybody'd be

surfing.

Bye, Bushy, Bushy, Blondie.

Surfing USA.

You can't just surf in and out. Inside,
outside, USA.

In a cruise and travel. Inside, outside,
USA. I'll tell you where I'll find.

Inside, outside, USA. All over
Manhattan.

Inside, outside, USA. And down the
highway.

Inside, outside.

Everybody's going surfing.

Surfing USA.

I don't think that was sin bad. No, but
it was certainly sung bad.

Terrific number, guys. Oh, thank you.

Hang ten.

Pardon?

Surfing expression.

Not the frogs. Frogs don't have ten
toes. We got flippers.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hang two.

Marty. Hey, listen. Can you tell us
about this next story? Because I need to

know for props and casting.

Yeah, well, it's very simple. All you
need is a magic lamp and someone to play

the part of Aladdin.

Oh, Aladdin.

Oh, I love it. I love it. What's the
name of the story?

It's, uh, he would show.

Mm -hmm.

It's called, uh, Goldilocks and the Four
Bears.

Four? No, no, no, no, it's one bear too
many.

Exactly.

Oh.

I get it.

Sorry, Fozzie.

I know it's tough on him now, but the
audience will thank me later on.

Well, who's playing the part of Aladdin?

Easy part.

All you have to do is rub the lamp, make
a few wishes.

How about me?

Well, he could certainly lose a few
wishes.

Excuse me, I've got to get back on
stage.

Wasn't that sensational?

Wasn't that great?

That was the best story ever.

I've got a better one.

Much better one.

How about Aladdin and his magic lamp?

Aladdin and his magic lamp. Aladdin and
his magic lamp.

Once upon a time, there was a lad
called... There was a lad called

And he had a magic lamp.

It tells him one night, so I have to put
this one...

Wow! What

a terrific lamp!

I'll bet with a little polish I could
resell it for mucho dinero!

I'm rubbing the light...

myself a wish you won't see him again.

Now, Aladdin, young master, what is your
first wish?

How about a nose job?

Of course not. I want to become a sultan
with a harem of dancing girls.

They're not as weird as I thought.

Very special dancing girls.

I

take

it back.

They're even weirder.

If it be so, then so be it.

One fine day I chanced to stray down the
little side street in old Bombay and

met a sentimental oriental.

She saw me and I saw she had a manner
too bold and much too free. Her eyes

positively detrimental.

When I asked about this gay coquette, I
discovered much to my regret.

She's the girlfriend of the whirling
dervish.

She's the sweetest one he has.

But every night in the middle of
moonlight, when he's out dervishing with

his might, she gives him the runaround.

All the boyfriends of the whirling
dervish are his best friends to

his face.

But there's no doubt when he isn't
about, They all come hurrying to take

out. She leaves him at the end of the
day.

He dreams of a Hindu Hanukkah. He
doesn't dream that every night

when he goes out to make a thousand
fish. He steps out to make a lot of

wookiees.

The love song of the whirling dervish
has a sweet and tender

sound.

If he ever should learn, that's why he's
doing her a real good turn. I give him

the run around.

She's got the nervous, throwing him a
curvish. Reach, of course, he doesn't

deserve it. Far, far away.

What's that?

Made me dizzy. How about you?

Oh, Kermit, I am so pleased.

We finally have a distinguished British
guest artiste on the show.

What was that?

Oh, that was our distinguished British
guest artiste. Hey, Marty!

Come in and say hello to Sam Eagle here.
How do you do? Don't touch me.

Sam, now Marty's doing a great job with
the Arabian Nights stories.

The Arabian Nights? Oh, well, yes, the
passion, the poetry.

Well, the...

Poetry, at any rate.

I'm glad you like the Arabian Nights,
because we're in the next one together.

Look, not I. I do not perform.

You see this sax?

I'm appealing to you.

Sax appeal.

Oh,

it's humiliating for an artist. My
stature's been changed.

All right.

As long as it's cultural.

What is this Arabian Nights story?

The Wright Brothers at Kitty Hawk.

That's provocative prose.

And now another exciting story.

The Wright Brothers at Kitty Hawk.

The Reed Brothers at Kitty Hoop. That's
even better, yes.

Hang on, guys, please.

Our scene changes to a pageant office at
the turn of the century.

A patent office at the turn of the
century.

Behind the desk, this is the desk, sits
the stooge.

Ah, that'll be him.

No, the stooge is you.

Bang, bang, thud, wallop, knock, knock,
knock, thud, kick, out.

to patent an invention.

Certainly. Chair?

The chair?

The chair's already been invented. You
have one, look. In perfect working

You get on with it.

I have invented the flying carpet.

Under whose name is this invention to be
patented?

Wilbur and Orville Wright.

Which one are you?

That is me.

You are Wilbur and Orville Wright?
Exactly.

You see, my mother wanted twins.

Identical ones.

That's why I look so alike.

Ah, Mr. Wright.

Messers, if you don't mind. Messers. You
call me Wilbur. All right, Wilbur. And

Orville.

This invention of yours had better be
good.

Just feast your eyes upon this.

That is an aeroplane.

Of course it is.

Well, where is the flying carpet?

Inside the aeroplane on the floor.

What is the point of that?

You may scoff now, but someday people
will be able to pick up one of these and

speak to someone on the other side of
the Atlantic.

This is not police.

You're both under arrest.

Why me?

No, no, not you.

Just these two.

Wilbur and Arnold Wright.

I arrest you for fraud.

And I cite as an example elastic waisted
underpants.

Patented by you under the description
the internal combustion engine.

I'll get it.

Hello.

It's for you, darling.

Uh, hello?

This is getting completely out of hand.
Get me the real police number.

Real police number on stage immediately.

Oh, when coming round the corner, I
heard somebody say, here comes the fat

policeman. Look, here he comes this way.
His laughter is so jolly. He's just a

great big clown.

And everybody says he is the happiest
man in town.

Terrific story, eh?

Yeah,

I hated it too.

Actually, I've been saving the best one
for last.

Yes.

Ali Baba.

Ali Boo Boo. Ali Boo Boo.

Yes, I knew you'd like that.

Ali Boo Boo and the Four Thieves, yes.

The Four Thieves. Four Thieves.

Ah, well, there was a... Supposed to be
40 thieves, but Kermit told me that they

had budget problems.

He said they'd spent all the money
hiring this costume from Bette Midler.

I mean, Marty, one of your thieves went
home sick.

Oh, terrific.

Marvellous. Really wonderful.

All right.

Alibaba and the three thieves.

I dare do this to Liza Minnelli.

Once, long ago, there lived a poor but
honest woodcutter named Alibaba.

He was known as the most handsome lad in
all the world.

Yeah, you are my kind of narrator,
Feldman.

Thank you.

And one day, while Alibaba was in the
forest, something strange was heard

approaching. Oh, oh, we did it. Hi.

Ah, this was our fall off face.

And so they hid, which was just as well,
because suddenly out of the forest

came... The three bears.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Come on, guys.

Hey, you are not thieves.

No, we're bears.

Does this mean we're going to have to
listen to a lot of dumb porridge jokes?

What porridge?

We are looking for a straw house.

No, no, that's the three pigs.

Pigs? You want us to be pigs?

You just said you wanted us to be
thieves.

Yeah, thieves, thieves, big tough
thieves. Big tough thieves. All right,

go back, guys. Cue us again.

All right, we'll start over.

Alibaba.

What's wrong?

Nothing, we forgot you were there.

Sorry.

One day, while he was in the forest,
something strange was heard approaching.

Oh, we better hide.

The first woods are full of thieves.

Dum -da -dum -dum.

Hey, ha -ha -ha -ha. All right, thieves,
that was some swell jewel heist we just

pulled off, eh?

You betcha, big boys.

Therefore, we will now retire to our
hideout cave and count the loot.

Open sesame.

This story is a mess.

It couldn't get worse.

Hi, I'm Goldilocks. You guys seen my
bears?

It just got worse.

Hey, Kermit, Kermit, anybody?

Hey, it's going great out there.

Hey, Foxy, who are you talking to? Well,
I'm trying to find Kermit. Where is

everybody? Oh, everybody's outside in
the alley. We're heating up the oil for

Alibaba. Oh?

Well, why do we need the hot oil?

Because the thieves get...

Look, damn it.

The thieves get cooked in it?

Yep.

Um, when does this happen?

Um, just before the closing number. Uh
-huh. Well, there's only one thing to

Ah!

Okay, hit it, boys. This is the closing
number.

When you hear the bell ringing.

Now we need more people, a bigger
finale.

All right, open Sesame.

All right, one more.

Sesame! Okay

everybody,

let's go to Marty!

Thank you.

the good parts. Was our guest star the
master of nuttiness? Are you changed

Yes, but I think I'll recover.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Marty
Feldman! Yay!

Get here for us!

Yes!

Hey, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, thank you.
The big thing on this show for me has

been meeting my favorite Muppet. Oh,
thank you.

I don't know what there is about him,
but there's something.

We'll see you next time on The Muppet
Show.

How should we know how to get to Sesame
Street?

We don't even know how to get out of
this stupid theater box.