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Bill? Bill who?
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Bill Collector?
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Never heard of him.
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00:00:09,710 --> 00:00:10,710
Hi, good evening.
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Hi, who are you?
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00:00:12,730 --> 00:00:14,470
I'm Hal Linden. I'm tonight's guest.
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Hal Linden.
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Hey, aren't you a cop?
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No, no. I play a cop on TV. Barney
Miller.
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Soon as you said the name, hit me like a
ton of bricks.
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00:00:27,050 --> 00:00:27,968
What name?
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Barney Miller.
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Nice bit of visual comedy you got there.
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Don't let it go to your head, huh?
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00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:45,030
It's the Muppet Show with our very
special guest star.
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It's time to put on makeup.
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It's time to dress up right.
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It's time to raise the curtain on the
Muppet Show tonight.
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00:01:16,940 --> 00:01:21,020
Why do we always come here? I guess
we'll never know.
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00:01:21,460 --> 00:01:25,140
It's like a kind of torture to have to
watch the show.
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It's time to get things started on the
most sensational, inspirational,
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celebrational, motivational, this is
what we call the Muppet Show!
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00:01:49,020 --> 00:01:54,660
Hey there, and welcome to the Muppet
Show!
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So, this is what it's like up here, huh?
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00:01:58,340 --> 00:01:59,340
Hi!
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Ladies and gentlemen, Statler and
Waldorf, the two old gentlemen who
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up here, have... Died.
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Ozzie, they have not.
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Ha ha ha ha ha.
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Statler and Waldorf have been telling me
for years that they could put on a
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better show than I could. Yeah.
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So tonight they're getting their chance.
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That's right.
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They're going to be down there hosting
the show, and we are going to be up here
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watching them.
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00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:24,600
Right. Ha ha.
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But before I turn the show over to him,
I'd just like to say that our special
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guest tonight is that very talented star
of Broadway and TV's Barney Miller, Mr.
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Hal Linden.
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He's very good.
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Yeah. Right. So without further ado,
here they are, your hosts for tonight,
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Statler and Waldorf.
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Oh, no.
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Thank you for that introduction. It was
very long.
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Yes, and that's the trouble with this
show. Everything moves too slow.
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Uh, excuse me, uh... Hey, it's our good
star, Hal Lenders!
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Yay!
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Excuse me, I didn't mean to bother you.
I'm looking for Kermit.
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Yes, well, you see, we're hosting the
show tonight. He's up there.
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00:03:04,700 --> 00:03:05,880
Oh, hi, Kermit.
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00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:09,760
Hi, Hal. You're in good hands down
there. I'm just gonna sit up here and
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Hey, Kermit, how come he didn't say
hello to me?
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Hey, Hal, hi, it's me.
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Oh, hi, Ralph.
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Ralph, I'm not Ralph.
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Oh.
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00:03:20,890 --> 00:03:22,670
Isn't that the dog that plays the piano?
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No, no, that's the bear that tells bad
jokes and dies on stage.
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Hi, Fozzie.
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Ralph! Ha!
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Name's Ralph.
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I stopped piano lessons tomorrow.
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Trust us, Hal. This show will be good
for your career.
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Yeah, you'll be mixing with some fresh,
new, classy acts.
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Such as?
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Well, such as our opening number. Here,
read this.
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Jerry and the Atrix?
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Yeah!
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To thank the guy who wrote the song
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that made my baby fall in love
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with me.
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Oh, but you're bouncing.
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Who was that man?
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I'd like to shake his hand.
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What what what what what
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That was a terrific act.
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Yeah, I know. In fact, it was just the
kind of act you would have booked.
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Maybe they made a mistake.
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We made a terrible mistake.
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That act was so bad, the frog could have
booked it.
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00:06:22,740 --> 00:06:25,520
I thought you girls sang Sigmund Romberg
tunes.
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I'm ready for my Mozart number.
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What, a pineapple and a Mozart number?
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00:06:46,330 --> 00:06:48,030
Yeah, my watermelon's at the cleaners.
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00:06:49,370 --> 00:06:51,930
Gonzo, your act has been canceled. What?
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Yeah, but don't take it too badly.
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Everybody's act has been canceled.
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Yes, tonight there'll be nothing but
bright new faces. Nothing but class and
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00:07:00,430 --> 00:07:01,630
culture. Like what?
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Like the Berlin National Opera Company.
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00:07:04,790 --> 00:07:07,110
Oh, I wonder if they'd like to rent my
pineapple.
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00:07:08,570 --> 00:07:13,780
Ladies and gentlemen, here... to perform
the first act finale from Siegfried is
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one of the world's great musical
companies.
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Excuse me, little blue possum. Yes?
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The Berlin National Opera Company
couldn't make it, so they sent us.
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00:07:25,860 --> 00:07:26,860
Who are you?
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We are the Salzburg Sauerkraut Singers.
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So here they are, the Berlin National
Opera Company.
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We'll be right back.
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00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:22,240
a book quality acts like that, I don't
have a chance.
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00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:25,520
Oh, no.
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We've been sabotaged.
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Quick, you clean up the sauerkraut and
I'll try to find an act to send on
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Right. Beauregard?
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00:08:33,340 --> 00:08:34,919
Oh, we have been canceled.
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00:08:35,179 --> 00:08:36,880
Do you realize that we've been canceled?
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00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:39,460
Oh, no. We have been canceled.
108
00:08:42,700 --> 00:08:45,860
Will you try and act like a grown -up?
It's only for one show.
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00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:49,040
Oh, uh, Link.
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Listen, I feel a little strange with
Kermit not in charge. Is everything, you
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00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,880
know, going all right? Oh, sure, yes. We
have been canceled, though.
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00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:06,120
Canceled? Yes, we've all been canceled.
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00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:07,600
All?
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Everybody canceled? Mm -hmm. Just like
that?
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00:09:10,380 --> 00:09:14,660
Canceled? I'm all set to do a number.
You tell me what canceled. How? How? Try
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00:09:14,660 --> 00:09:15,820
to act like a grown -up.
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After all, it's only for one show.
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On stage? I thought it was canceled. Of
course not. You're on next.
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All right, on stage.
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00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:30,350
Stay off that stage.
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00:09:30,630 --> 00:09:32,850
He's got to go on the stage. The
audience is getting restless.
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00:09:33,170 --> 00:09:35,730
He can't go on the stage. It's full of
sauerkraut.
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00:09:36,230 --> 00:09:37,610
Can I talk to you in private?
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00:09:38,110 --> 00:09:41,690
If you guys just tell me what you want
me to do, I'll be glad to do it. Oh,
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good. Here, hold this sauerkraut.
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Well, he can't go on till the
sauerkraut's gone.
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Sauerkraut's gone.
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00:09:51,630 --> 00:09:52,630
Moving right along.
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We bring you tonight's guest star, the
versatile and talented Mr. Hal Linden.
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00:09:57,530 --> 00:10:01,230
And a musical salute to our favorite
holiday, Christmas. The Fourth of July.
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00:10:01,570 --> 00:10:03,510
Christmas. Oh, the Fourth of July.
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00:10:03,810 --> 00:10:07,890
Yes, but I already rented the sleigh.
Too bad. And so now for an old
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00:10:07,890 --> 00:10:09,150
Fourth of July. Christmas.
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00:10:09,890 --> 00:10:11,750
Here he is, Mr. Hal Linden.
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00:10:42,589 --> 00:10:46,070
Yankee Doodle came to London just to
ride the pony.
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00:11:02,010 --> 00:11:08,750
You're a grand old flag, you're a high
-flying flag, and forever in heat
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00:11:08,750 --> 00:11:09,930
may you wave.
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00:11:10,250 --> 00:11:16,870
You're the emblem of... The land I love,
the home of the free and the
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00:11:16,870 --> 00:11:17,870
brave.
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00:11:21,410 --> 00:11:26,590
Right on!
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00:11:31,030 --> 00:11:33,130
This land is your land.
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00:11:33,370 --> 00:11:34,850
This land is my land.
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00:11:35,210 --> 00:11:38,370
From California to the New York Island.
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00:11:38,910 --> 00:11:42,070
From the Redwood Forest to the Gulf
Stream water.
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00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,790
This land was made for you and mine.
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00:12:36,490 --> 00:12:39,030
is about to perform one of the Beatles'
hit songs.
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00:12:39,470 --> 00:12:42,610
Actually, we had hoped to have the
Beatles sing it, but we haven't heard
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any of them.
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00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:46,910
So... Wait a second. I just talked to
Ringo. Oh, great. What did he say?
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00:12:47,190 --> 00:12:48,190
No.
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00:12:49,750 --> 00:12:51,590
So here are these guys I was telling you
about.
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00:13:05,290 --> 00:13:08,490
Desmond says to Molly, girl, I like your
face.
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00:13:08,730 --> 00:13:11,810
And Molly says this as she takes him by
the hand.
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00:13:12,710 --> 00:13:19,630
Oh, bloody, oh, blah -da, life goes on.
Blah, blah, blah, how the life goes on.
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00:13:20,410 --> 00:13:23,810
Oh, bloody, oh, blah -da, life goes on.
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00:13:24,110 --> 00:13:27,570
Blah, blah, blah, how the life goes on.
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00:13:29,290 --> 00:13:33,450
In a couple of years, they have built a
home, sweetheart.
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00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:40,860
A couple of kids running in the yard.
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00:13:41,180 --> 00:13:44,200
Desmond and Molly chose a horse.
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00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:48,040
Happy ever after in the marketplace.
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Desmond lets the children in the hand.
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Molly stays at home and does a pretty
face. And in the evening she still sings
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it with the band.
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00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:03,740
Oh, bloody, oh, brother, life goes on.
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00:14:18,530 --> 00:14:19,530
Boy,
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that was very good.
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00:14:29,690 --> 00:14:32,510
Yeah. You know, I don't miss me at all.
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00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:39,640
Gee, Robin, I'm sorry about your number
being canceled, but look at it this way.
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00:14:39,660 --> 00:14:40,660
You could be lucky.
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00:14:41,420 --> 00:14:43,700
Well, they didn't cancel my number, and
look what happened.
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00:14:45,340 --> 00:14:48,500
Yeah, but if I were in charge, things
would be different.
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00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:50,080
Oh, yeah? How so?
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00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:54,300
Well, first of all, I'd pass a law
against wide -wheel sports tires.
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Excuse me?
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00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:59,660
Well, give narrow little frogs like me a
better chance.
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00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,160
Oh, yeah, that's true.
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00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:04,320
Gee, just imagine.
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00:15:05,340 --> 00:15:07,740
What if I did run things?
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00:15:08,900 --> 00:15:09,900
Oh?
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00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:16,940
If I ruled the world... Oh, you think
big for a little guy.
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00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:23,600
Every day would be the first day of
spring. Just put all the weathermen out
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business. Every heart would have a new
song to sing.
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00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:32,060
And we'd sing.
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00:15:33,050 --> 00:15:37,330
Of the joy every morning would bring.
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00:15:38,590 --> 00:15:40,150
You're drunk with power.
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00:15:40,490 --> 00:15:42,470
That's me. Cute but ruthless.
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00:15:43,550 --> 00:15:50,410
Your world would be a beautiful place
where you
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00:15:50,410 --> 00:15:54,130
could weave such beautiful dreams.
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00:15:56,410 --> 00:16:00,670
Your world would wear a smile.
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00:16:03,210 --> 00:16:08,770
Like the man in the moon has when the
moon beams.
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00:16:09,890 --> 00:16:13,810
Hey, I'd vote for me. So would I. Hey,
you want to run on my ticket?
192
00:16:14,030 --> 00:16:15,030
Why not?
193
00:16:15,810 --> 00:16:19,070
If we ruled the world.
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00:16:20,350 --> 00:16:25,010
Every frog would say the world was his
friend.
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00:16:26,690 --> 00:16:29,810
There'd be happiness that no...
196
00:16:32,910 --> 00:16:39,770
No, my friend, not if we ruled the
world.
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00:16:40,770 --> 00:16:45,370
Every head would be held apart.
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00:16:47,230 --> 00:16:52,670
There'd be sunshine in everyone's sky.
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00:16:53,890 --> 00:16:59,010
If the day ever dawns.
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00:17:21,390 --> 00:17:22,550
Clothing would be edible!
201
00:17:25,430 --> 00:17:30,510
And now, for a change of pace, we take
you to colorful, exciting India.
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00:17:31,890 --> 00:17:36,810
Yes, and here singing a medley of your
favorite Urdu ditties is the Bombay
203
00:17:36,810 --> 00:17:38,870
bombshell herself, Indira Mahajira.
204
00:18:43,050 --> 00:18:48,910
I like Chopin and Bizet and the voice of
Doris Day.
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00:18:49,150 --> 00:18:52,890
Gershwin songs and old forgotten carol.
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00:18:53,270 --> 00:18:54,910
But the music...
207
00:18:59,590 --> 00:19:01,990
Slurp, slurp, slurp into the barrels.
208
00:19:02,630 --> 00:19:06,670
I'll ask for such simple things when my
birth...
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00:19:38,060 --> 00:19:40,120
Quick, Waldorf, what's on next? Check
the clipboard.
210
00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:42,120
Beauregard, why are you standing there?
211
00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:44,700
Because this is the place where I
stopped walking.
212
00:19:45,700 --> 00:19:47,840
But don't do something useful. Check.
213
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:52,560
Let's see, we've got Icy Gomez, the
Reykjavik warbler.
214
00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:54,580
No, no, he came down with the flu.
215
00:19:55,780 --> 00:19:58,260
Then we've got to go straight to Hal
Linden's Dixieland.
216
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:00,280
Well,
217
00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:01,840
that one works.
218
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:03,300
Oh, what are you doing?
219
00:20:03,540 --> 00:20:05,020
Something useful, like you said.
220
00:20:05,390 --> 00:20:07,470
I'm checking the backstage trapdoor
releases.
221
00:20:08,410 --> 00:20:09,410
Oh,
222
00:20:09,690 --> 00:20:11,890
don't. Yeah, come on. Let's introduce
Hal.
223
00:20:12,270 --> 00:20:15,630
Remember, Bo, don't test any more
backstage trapdoor releases.
224
00:20:16,190 --> 00:20:19,190
Okay. I'll test the onstage trapdoor
releases.
225
00:20:22,290 --> 00:20:25,350
Now, we all know Hal Linden is a great
comedy actor.
226
00:20:25,730 --> 00:20:29,510
Yes, and we all know that Hal Linden is
a terrific musical comedy star.
227
00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:32,470
Did you also know that Hal Linden is
quitting this show and going home?
228
00:20:32,690 --> 00:20:34,370
What? But, Hal.
229
00:20:34,890 --> 00:20:38,650
What about your Dixieland number? Well,
I'd love to do some Dixieland, but, I
230
00:20:38,650 --> 00:20:39,850
mean, after that first number?
231
00:20:40,230 --> 00:20:43,470
Come on, how can you do a patriotic
number with sauerkraut and Santa Claus?
232
00:20:44,110 --> 00:20:47,890
But, Hal, we have our Dixieland band all
ready to play when the saints go
233
00:20:47,890 --> 00:20:49,130
marching in with you. Yeah.
234
00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:51,970
Well, are you sure nothing's going to go
wrong?
235
00:20:52,350 --> 00:20:54,050
Hal, you've got to trust us.
236
00:20:56,850 --> 00:20:58,270
All right, introduce me.
237
00:20:59,190 --> 00:21:02,250
Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Mr.
Hal!
238
00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:39,880
I want to be.
239
00:21:57,020 --> 00:22:01,880
In that number, when the saints go
marching.
240
00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:00,400
Thank you.
241
00:23:45,629 --> 00:23:47,870
Well, it looks like time's running out
for us.
242
00:23:48,070 --> 00:23:49,490
Yeah, and for the show, too.
243
00:23:50,130 --> 00:23:52,830
So let's bring back our wonderful guest
star, Mr.
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00:23:53,110 --> 00:23:54,110
Hal Linden.
245
00:23:55,350 --> 00:24:01,390
Good to see you.
246
00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:02,690
It sure is.
247
00:24:03,090 --> 00:24:04,350
Yeah, tonight's been a disaster.
248
00:24:04,710 --> 00:24:05,710
Has it, really?
249
00:24:05,850 --> 00:24:07,510
Gee, I thought it was a terrific show.
250
00:24:08,030 --> 00:24:10,930
What are you talking about? It was a lot
of confusion and chaos, a lot of
251
00:24:10,930 --> 00:24:15,050
running around by mindless maniacs.
Yeah, yeah, just like any good Muppet
252
00:24:16,230 --> 00:24:19,970
And now you're a big part of it. Oh,
good. I'm glad I fit right in.
253
00:24:21,170 --> 00:24:22,830
Well, Kermit, the show's all yours.
254
00:24:23,090 --> 00:24:25,810
We're going back up to our seats in the
box and stay there.
255
00:24:26,330 --> 00:24:30,430
We didn't know how tough it was down
here. But, Mom, we promise never to say
256
00:24:30,430 --> 00:24:31,790
bad thing about the show again.
257
00:24:32,150 --> 00:24:33,069
All good.
258
00:24:33,070 --> 00:24:34,830
We'll see you next time on the Muppet
Show.
259
00:24:35,150 --> 00:24:36,150
Bye.
260
00:24:39,550 --> 00:24:40,550
What's up there?
261
00:25:12,810 --> 00:25:16,910
You know, I never liked their theme
music. Neither did I. You promised.
20417
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