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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,270 --> 00:00:01,990 Bill? Bill who? 2 00:00:03,010 --> 00:00:04,030 Bill Collector? 3 00:00:04,270 --> 00:00:05,450 Never heard of him. 4 00:00:09,710 --> 00:00:10,710 Hi, good evening. 5 00:00:11,010 --> 00:00:12,010 Hi, who are you? 6 00:00:12,730 --> 00:00:14,470 I'm Hal Linden. I'm tonight's guest. 7 00:00:15,230 --> 00:00:16,230 Hal Linden. 8 00:00:16,410 --> 00:00:18,030 Hey, aren't you a cop? 9 00:00:18,610 --> 00:00:22,250 No, no. I play a cop on TV. Barney Miller. 10 00:00:23,050 --> 00:00:26,610 Soon as you said the name, hit me like a ton of bricks. 11 00:00:27,050 --> 00:00:27,968 What name? 12 00:00:27,970 --> 00:00:28,970 Barney Miller. 13 00:00:35,170 --> 00:00:37,030 Nice bit of visual comedy you got there. 14 00:00:37,290 --> 00:00:38,410 Don't let it go to your head, huh? 15 00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:45,030 It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star. 16 00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:11,020 It's time to put on makeup. 17 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,000 It's time to dress up right. 18 00:01:13,380 --> 00:01:16,420 It's time to raise the curtain on the Muppet Show tonight. 19 00:01:16,940 --> 00:01:21,020 Why do we always come here? I guess we'll never know. 20 00:01:21,460 --> 00:01:25,140 It's like a kind of torture to have to watch the show. 21 00:01:35,980 --> 00:01:39,180 It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, 22 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:46,460 celebrational, motivational, this is what we call the Muppet Show! 23 00:01:49,020 --> 00:01:54,660 Hey there, and welcome to the Muppet Show! 24 00:01:54,980 --> 00:01:57,960 So, this is what it's like up here, huh? 25 00:01:58,340 --> 00:01:59,340 Hi! 26 00:02:00,780 --> 00:02:05,080 Ladies and gentlemen, Statler and Waldorf, the two old gentlemen who 27 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:06,580 up here, have... Died. 28 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:09,000 Ozzie, they have not. 29 00:02:09,259 --> 00:02:10,259 Ha ha ha ha ha. 30 00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:14,340 Statler and Waldorf have been telling me for years that they could put on a 31 00:02:14,340 --> 00:02:15,660 better show than I could. Yeah. 32 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:17,480 So tonight they're getting their chance. 33 00:02:17,740 --> 00:02:18,539 That's right. 34 00:02:18,540 --> 00:02:22,500 They're going to be down there hosting the show, and we are going to be up here 35 00:02:22,500 --> 00:02:23,500 watching them. 36 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:24,600 Right. Ha ha. 37 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:28,120 But before I turn the show over to him, I'd just like to say that our special 38 00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:32,440 guest tonight is that very talented star of Broadway and TV's Barney Miller, Mr. 39 00:02:32,540 --> 00:02:33,540 Hal Linden. 40 00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:35,720 He's very good. 41 00:02:36,100 --> 00:02:40,380 Yeah. Right. So without further ado, here they are, your hosts for tonight, 42 00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:42,040 Statler and Waldorf. 43 00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:44,240 Oh, no. 44 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:48,120 Thank you for that introduction. It was very long. 45 00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:52,380 Yes, and that's the trouble with this show. Everything moves too slow. 46 00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:55,820 Uh, excuse me, uh... Hey, it's our good star, Hal Lenders! 47 00:02:56,140 --> 00:02:57,140 Yay! 48 00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:00,720 Excuse me, I didn't mean to bother you. I'm looking for Kermit. 49 00:03:00,940 --> 00:03:03,680 Yes, well, you see, we're hosting the show tonight. He's up there. 50 00:03:04,700 --> 00:03:05,880 Oh, hi, Kermit. 51 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:09,760 Hi, Hal. You're in good hands down there. I'm just gonna sit up here and 52 00:03:10,140 --> 00:03:12,280 Hey, Kermit, how come he didn't say hello to me? 53 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:14,220 Hey, Hal, hi, it's me. 54 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:16,160 Oh, hi, Ralph. 55 00:03:17,660 --> 00:03:19,000 Ralph, I'm not Ralph. 56 00:03:19,820 --> 00:03:20,820 Oh. 57 00:03:20,890 --> 00:03:22,670 Isn't that the dog that plays the piano? 58 00:03:22,890 --> 00:03:26,370 No, no, that's the bear that tells bad jokes and dies on stage. 59 00:03:28,430 --> 00:03:29,430 Hi, Fozzie. 60 00:03:31,190 --> 00:03:32,190 Ralph! Ha! 61 00:03:32,330 --> 00:03:33,330 Name's Ralph. 62 00:03:33,930 --> 00:03:35,430 I stopped piano lessons tomorrow. 63 00:03:37,550 --> 00:03:40,270 Trust us, Hal. This show will be good for your career. 64 00:03:40,570 --> 00:03:43,230 Yeah, you'll be mixing with some fresh, new, classy acts. 65 00:03:43,830 --> 00:03:44,668 Such as? 66 00:03:44,670 --> 00:03:47,050 Well, such as our opening number. Here, read this. 67 00:03:48,750 --> 00:03:50,430 Jerry and the Atrix? 68 00:03:50,690 --> 00:03:51,690 Yeah! 69 00:03:55,810 --> 00:04:01,150 To thank the guy who wrote the song 70 00:04:01,150 --> 00:04:07,490 that made my baby fall in love 71 00:04:07,490 --> 00:04:09,130 with me. 72 00:04:15,430 --> 00:04:17,250 Oh, but you're bouncing. 73 00:04:26,340 --> 00:04:28,680 Who was that man? 74 00:04:28,980 --> 00:04:31,360 I'd like to shake his hand. 75 00:05:29,870 --> 00:05:31,310 What what what what what 76 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:10,680 That was a terrific act. 77 00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:13,500 Yeah, I know. In fact, it was just the kind of act you would have booked. 78 00:06:13,860 --> 00:06:14,920 Maybe they made a mistake. 79 00:06:17,260 --> 00:06:19,000 We made a terrible mistake. 80 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,080 That act was so bad, the frog could have booked it. 81 00:06:22,740 --> 00:06:25,520 I thought you girls sang Sigmund Romberg tunes. 82 00:06:42,510 --> 00:06:43,670 I'm ready for my Mozart number. 83 00:06:43,930 --> 00:06:46,010 What, a pineapple and a Mozart number? 84 00:06:46,330 --> 00:06:48,030 Yeah, my watermelon's at the cleaners. 85 00:06:49,370 --> 00:06:51,930 Gonzo, your act has been canceled. What? 86 00:06:52,190 --> 00:06:53,710 Yeah, but don't take it too badly. 87 00:06:54,310 --> 00:06:55,730 Everybody's act has been canceled. 88 00:06:55,970 --> 00:07:00,430 Yes, tonight there'll be nothing but bright new faces. Nothing but class and 89 00:07:00,430 --> 00:07:01,630 culture. Like what? 90 00:07:01,870 --> 00:07:03,710 Like the Berlin National Opera Company. 91 00:07:04,790 --> 00:07:07,110 Oh, I wonder if they'd like to rent my pineapple. 92 00:07:08,570 --> 00:07:13,780 Ladies and gentlemen, here... to perform the first act finale from Siegfried is 93 00:07:13,780 --> 00:07:16,160 one of the world's great musical companies. 94 00:07:16,740 --> 00:07:20,060 Excuse me, little blue possum. Yes? 95 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:25,440 The Berlin National Opera Company couldn't make it, so they sent us. 96 00:07:25,860 --> 00:07:26,860 Who are you? 97 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:30,080 We are the Salzburg Sauerkraut Singers. 98 00:07:32,780 --> 00:07:36,960 So here they are, the Berlin National Opera Company. 99 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:54,200 We'll be right back. 100 00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:22,240 a book quality acts like that, I don't have a chance. 101 00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:25,520 Oh, no. 102 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:27,460 We've been sabotaged. 103 00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:31,720 Quick, you clean up the sauerkraut and I'll try to find an act to send on 104 00:08:32,020 --> 00:08:33,059 Right. Beauregard? 105 00:08:33,340 --> 00:08:34,919 Oh, we have been canceled. 106 00:08:35,179 --> 00:08:36,880 Do you realize that we've been canceled? 107 00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:39,460 Oh, no. We have been canceled. 108 00:08:42,700 --> 00:08:45,860 Will you try and act like a grown -up? It's only for one show. 109 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:49,040 Oh, uh, Link. 110 00:08:54,000 --> 00:09:00,440 Listen, I feel a little strange with Kermit not in charge. Is everything, you 111 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,880 know, going all right? Oh, sure, yes. We have been canceled, though. 112 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:06,120 Canceled? Yes, we've all been canceled. 113 00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:07,600 All? 114 00:09:07,700 --> 00:09:10,180 Everybody canceled? Mm -hmm. Just like that? 115 00:09:10,380 --> 00:09:14,660 Canceled? I'm all set to do a number. You tell me what canceled. How? How? Try 116 00:09:14,660 --> 00:09:15,820 to act like a grown -up. 117 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:17,920 After all, it's only for one show. 118 00:09:23,910 --> 00:09:27,170 On stage? I thought it was canceled. Of course not. You're on next. 119 00:09:27,490 --> 00:09:28,490 All right, on stage. 120 00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:30,350 Stay off that stage. 121 00:09:30,630 --> 00:09:32,850 He's got to go on the stage. The audience is getting restless. 122 00:09:33,170 --> 00:09:35,730 He can't go on the stage. It's full of sauerkraut. 123 00:09:36,230 --> 00:09:37,610 Can I talk to you in private? 124 00:09:38,110 --> 00:09:41,690 If you guys just tell me what you want me to do, I'll be glad to do it. Oh, 125 00:09:41,750 --> 00:09:43,950 good. Here, hold this sauerkraut. 126 00:09:48,270 --> 00:09:50,450 Well, he can't go on till the sauerkraut's gone. 127 00:09:50,710 --> 00:09:51,629 Sauerkraut's gone. 128 00:09:51,630 --> 00:09:52,630 Moving right along. 129 00:09:52,890 --> 00:09:57,390 We bring you tonight's guest star, the versatile and talented Mr. Hal Linden. 130 00:09:57,530 --> 00:10:01,230 And a musical salute to our favorite holiday, Christmas. The Fourth of July. 131 00:10:01,570 --> 00:10:03,510 Christmas. Oh, the Fourth of July. 132 00:10:03,810 --> 00:10:07,890 Yes, but I already rented the sleigh. Too bad. And so now for an old 133 00:10:07,890 --> 00:10:09,150 Fourth of July. Christmas. 134 00:10:09,890 --> 00:10:11,750 Here he is, Mr. Hal Linden. 135 00:10:42,589 --> 00:10:46,070 Yankee Doodle came to London just to ride the pony. 136 00:11:02,010 --> 00:11:08,750 You're a grand old flag, you're a high -flying flag, and forever in heat 137 00:11:08,750 --> 00:11:09,930 may you wave. 138 00:11:10,250 --> 00:11:16,870 You're the emblem of... The land I love, the home of the free and the 139 00:11:16,870 --> 00:11:17,870 brave. 140 00:11:21,410 --> 00:11:26,590 Right on! 141 00:11:31,030 --> 00:11:33,130 This land is your land. 142 00:11:33,370 --> 00:11:34,850 This land is my land. 143 00:11:35,210 --> 00:11:38,370 From California to the New York Island. 144 00:11:38,910 --> 00:11:42,070 From the Redwood Forest to the Gulf Stream water. 145 00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,790 This land was made for you and mine. 146 00:12:36,490 --> 00:12:39,030 is about to perform one of the Beatles' hit songs. 147 00:12:39,470 --> 00:12:42,610 Actually, we had hoped to have the Beatles sing it, but we haven't heard 148 00:12:42,610 --> 00:12:43,610 any of them. 149 00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:46,910 So... Wait a second. I just talked to Ringo. Oh, great. What did he say? 150 00:12:47,190 --> 00:12:48,190 No. 151 00:12:49,750 --> 00:12:51,590 So here are these guys I was telling you about. 152 00:13:05,290 --> 00:13:08,490 Desmond says to Molly, girl, I like your face. 153 00:13:08,730 --> 00:13:11,810 And Molly says this as she takes him by the hand. 154 00:13:12,710 --> 00:13:19,630 Oh, bloody, oh, blah -da, life goes on. Blah, blah, blah, how the life goes on. 155 00:13:20,410 --> 00:13:23,810 Oh, bloody, oh, blah -da, life goes on. 156 00:13:24,110 --> 00:13:27,570 Blah, blah, blah, how the life goes on. 157 00:13:29,290 --> 00:13:33,450 In a couple of years, they have built a home, sweetheart. 158 00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:40,860 A couple of kids running in the yard. 159 00:13:41,180 --> 00:13:44,200 Desmond and Molly chose a horse. 160 00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:48,040 Happy ever after in the marketplace. 161 00:13:49,180 --> 00:13:51,940 Desmond lets the children in the hand. 162 00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:58,700 Molly stays at home and does a pretty face. And in the evening she still sings 163 00:13:58,700 --> 00:13:59,840 it with the band. 164 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:03,740 Oh, bloody, oh, brother, life goes on. 165 00:14:18,530 --> 00:14:19,530 Boy, 166 00:14:27,810 --> 00:14:29,090 that was very good. 167 00:14:29,690 --> 00:14:32,510 Yeah. You know, I don't miss me at all. 168 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:39,640 Gee, Robin, I'm sorry about your number being canceled, but look at it this way. 169 00:14:39,660 --> 00:14:40,660 You could be lucky. 170 00:14:41,420 --> 00:14:43,700 Well, they didn't cancel my number, and look what happened. 171 00:14:45,340 --> 00:14:48,500 Yeah, but if I were in charge, things would be different. 172 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:50,080 Oh, yeah? How so? 173 00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:54,300 Well, first of all, I'd pass a law against wide -wheel sports tires. 174 00:14:55,700 --> 00:14:56,700 Excuse me? 175 00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:59,660 Well, give narrow little frogs like me a better chance. 176 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,160 Oh, yeah, that's true. 177 00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:04,320 Gee, just imagine. 178 00:15:05,340 --> 00:15:07,740 What if I did run things? 179 00:15:08,900 --> 00:15:09,900 Oh? 180 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:16,940 If I ruled the world... Oh, you think big for a little guy. 181 00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:23,600 Every day would be the first day of spring. Just put all the weathermen out 182 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:28,820 business. Every heart would have a new song to sing. 183 00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:32,060 And we'd sing. 184 00:15:33,050 --> 00:15:37,330 Of the joy every morning would bring. 185 00:15:38,590 --> 00:15:40,150 You're drunk with power. 186 00:15:40,490 --> 00:15:42,470 That's me. Cute but ruthless. 187 00:15:43,550 --> 00:15:50,410 Your world would be a beautiful place where you 188 00:15:50,410 --> 00:15:54,130 could weave such beautiful dreams. 189 00:15:56,410 --> 00:16:00,670 Your world would wear a smile. 190 00:16:03,210 --> 00:16:08,770 Like the man in the moon has when the moon beams. 191 00:16:09,890 --> 00:16:13,810 Hey, I'd vote for me. So would I. Hey, you want to run on my ticket? 192 00:16:14,030 --> 00:16:15,030 Why not? 193 00:16:15,810 --> 00:16:19,070 If we ruled the world. 194 00:16:20,350 --> 00:16:25,010 Every frog would say the world was his friend. 195 00:16:26,690 --> 00:16:29,810 There'd be happiness that no... 196 00:16:32,910 --> 00:16:39,770 No, my friend, not if we ruled the world. 197 00:16:40,770 --> 00:16:45,370 Every head would be held apart. 198 00:16:47,230 --> 00:16:52,670 There'd be sunshine in everyone's sky. 199 00:16:53,890 --> 00:16:59,010 If the day ever dawns. 200 00:17:21,390 --> 00:17:22,550 Clothing would be edible! 201 00:17:25,430 --> 00:17:30,510 And now, for a change of pace, we take you to colorful, exciting India. 202 00:17:31,890 --> 00:17:36,810 Yes, and here singing a medley of your favorite Urdu ditties is the Bombay 203 00:17:36,810 --> 00:17:38,870 bombshell herself, Indira Mahajira. 204 00:18:43,050 --> 00:18:48,910 I like Chopin and Bizet and the voice of Doris Day. 205 00:18:49,150 --> 00:18:52,890 Gershwin songs and old forgotten carol. 206 00:18:53,270 --> 00:18:54,910 But the music... 207 00:18:59,590 --> 00:19:01,990 Slurp, slurp, slurp into the barrels. 208 00:19:02,630 --> 00:19:06,670 I'll ask for such simple things when my birth... 209 00:19:38,060 --> 00:19:40,120 Quick, Waldorf, what's on next? Check the clipboard. 210 00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:42,120 Beauregard, why are you standing there? 211 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:44,700 Because this is the place where I stopped walking. 212 00:19:45,700 --> 00:19:47,840 But don't do something useful. Check. 213 00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:52,560 Let's see, we've got Icy Gomez, the Reykjavik warbler. 214 00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:54,580 No, no, he came down with the flu. 215 00:19:55,780 --> 00:19:58,260 Then we've got to go straight to Hal Linden's Dixieland. 216 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:00,280 Well, 217 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:01,840 that one works. 218 00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:03,300 Oh, what are you doing? 219 00:20:03,540 --> 00:20:05,020 Something useful, like you said. 220 00:20:05,390 --> 00:20:07,470 I'm checking the backstage trapdoor releases. 221 00:20:08,410 --> 00:20:09,410 Oh, 222 00:20:09,690 --> 00:20:11,890 don't. Yeah, come on. Let's introduce Hal. 223 00:20:12,270 --> 00:20:15,630 Remember, Bo, don't test any more backstage trapdoor releases. 224 00:20:16,190 --> 00:20:19,190 Okay. I'll test the onstage trapdoor releases. 225 00:20:22,290 --> 00:20:25,350 Now, we all know Hal Linden is a great comedy actor. 226 00:20:25,730 --> 00:20:29,510 Yes, and we all know that Hal Linden is a terrific musical comedy star. 227 00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:32,470 Did you also know that Hal Linden is quitting this show and going home? 228 00:20:32,690 --> 00:20:34,370 What? But, Hal. 229 00:20:34,890 --> 00:20:38,650 What about your Dixieland number? Well, I'd love to do some Dixieland, but, I 230 00:20:38,650 --> 00:20:39,850 mean, after that first number? 231 00:20:40,230 --> 00:20:43,470 Come on, how can you do a patriotic number with sauerkraut and Santa Claus? 232 00:20:44,110 --> 00:20:47,890 But, Hal, we have our Dixieland band all ready to play when the saints go 233 00:20:47,890 --> 00:20:49,130 marching in with you. Yeah. 234 00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:51,970 Well, are you sure nothing's going to go wrong? 235 00:20:52,350 --> 00:20:54,050 Hal, you've got to trust us. 236 00:20:56,850 --> 00:20:58,270 All right, introduce me. 237 00:20:59,190 --> 00:21:02,250 Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Mr. Hal! 238 00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:39,880 I want to be. 239 00:21:57,020 --> 00:22:01,880 In that number, when the saints go marching. 240 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:00,400 Thank you. 241 00:23:45,629 --> 00:23:47,870 Well, it looks like time's running out for us. 242 00:23:48,070 --> 00:23:49,490 Yeah, and for the show, too. 243 00:23:50,130 --> 00:23:52,830 So let's bring back our wonderful guest star, Mr. 244 00:23:53,110 --> 00:23:54,110 Hal Linden. 245 00:23:55,350 --> 00:24:01,390 Good to see you. 246 00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:02,690 It sure is. 247 00:24:03,090 --> 00:24:04,350 Yeah, tonight's been a disaster. 248 00:24:04,710 --> 00:24:05,710 Has it, really? 249 00:24:05,850 --> 00:24:07,510 Gee, I thought it was a terrific show. 250 00:24:08,030 --> 00:24:10,930 What are you talking about? It was a lot of confusion and chaos, a lot of 251 00:24:10,930 --> 00:24:15,050 running around by mindless maniacs. Yeah, yeah, just like any good Muppet 252 00:24:16,230 --> 00:24:19,970 And now you're a big part of it. Oh, good. I'm glad I fit right in. 253 00:24:21,170 --> 00:24:22,830 Well, Kermit, the show's all yours. 254 00:24:23,090 --> 00:24:25,810 We're going back up to our seats in the box and stay there. 255 00:24:26,330 --> 00:24:30,430 We didn't know how tough it was down here. But, Mom, we promise never to say 256 00:24:30,430 --> 00:24:31,790 bad thing about the show again. 257 00:24:32,150 --> 00:24:33,069 All good. 258 00:24:33,070 --> 00:24:34,830 We'll see you next time on the Muppet Show. 259 00:24:35,150 --> 00:24:36,150 Bye. 260 00:24:39,550 --> 00:24:40,550 What's up there? 261 00:25:12,810 --> 00:25:16,910 You know, I never liked their theme music. Neither did I. You promised. 20417

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