Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

Roger Moore stars in this next episode of The Muppet Show.

All right, who are you working for?

The frog, the frog!

He was absolutely one of the most debonair guest stars ever to appear on

Muppet Show. Roger, mon amour, you know we are meant to be, vous et moi?

Vous et moi, nous?

Huh?

Oui. One great moment in this episode is where we took the Village People's

song, In the Navy.

and performed it with all Viking pigs.

The piece itself is a little over two minutes long, and it actually took us a

day to shoot it, which is not very good when you're trying to shoot an entire

half -hour episode in three days.

But as you'll see, the effort was well worth it, because it's really created

of the best moments that the Muppets have ever done.

Here's The Muppet Show with Roger Moore.

Well, I'm tonight's guest star, Roger Moore.

That's funny. I could have swore you're that James Bond fella from the movies.

Yeah, but you mustn't believe everything you see in the movies.

I mean, all that secret agent spy stuff is only make -believe.

Okay, young fella, if you say so.

Hello, this is Agent Pops to control. Do you read me?

Go ahead, Agent Pops.

Yeah, 007, just past check point. Able headed your way. All right, who are you

working for?

That's funny. So am I.

It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational

celebration.

because our special guest is James Bond, secret agent 007, known secretly to his

millions of fans as movie star Roger Moore.

Yes, but first, meet the Vikings, those cruel, heartless Scandinavian marauders

whose savage brutality earned them the reputation worst human beings in

I'm sorry about that.

the Vikings, those gentle, quaint, fun -loving old charmers.

We want you, we want you, we want you as a new recruit.

We want you, we want you, we want you as a new recruit. Where can you find

pleasure, search the world for treasure, learn science, technology?

Where! Where can you begin to make your dreams all come true, on the land or on

the sea?

Where! Where can you learn to fly, play, and sport your skin, and study

oceanography?

Where! Sign up for the big band or sit in the grandstand when your team and

others meet.

We're in the Navy.

Yes, you can sail the seven seas. In the Navy.

Yes, and put your mind at ease. In the Navy.

Now people make a stand.

In the Navy.

Can't you see we need a hand?

In the Navy.

Come on, protect the money.

Seven Seas!

Tell me, Statler, do you ever have any naval experience?

Well, I once saved a rat from drowning.

Really? How?

I gave him mouse -to -mouse resuscitation.

Okay, Roger Moore's number is next. On stage, Roger and Miss Piggy.

Way to go, Vikings. Nicely pillaged.

Tell that to the chef.

Hey, Kermit, you want a... to put these pies on stage?

Uh, no. Why?

Well, don't you remember?

When I asked you what we were going to do for that big James Bond number with

Roger Moore, you said use pies.

No, no, no. Not pies. I said spies.

Oh, how embarrassing.

Oh, yes. And never mind. Listen, I've got to introduce Roger's first number.

Just get rid of those pies.

You mean throw them away?

Yeah. Okay.

Excuse the pie, folks. It's all part of the show.

And now, man, who needs no introduction?

So what am I doing out here?

Ladies and gentlemen, Roger Moore!

Roger,

I'm so glad you asked me up here.

Well, actually, I didn't ask.

that she's singing to me.

Get you and keep you in my arms evermore.

Look, Piggy, I must be honest. I have a date.

Leave all your ladies.

Oh, we've been on the faraway shore.

Yes, but what about Kermit? He's your true love.

Out on the brining.

Ah, Roger.

With the moon.

Big and shiny.

But I'm not green. I don't have...

Melting your heart of stone. Just look, my eyes don't fold. I don't eat flies.

I'm not your type.

I'd like to take you.

I'm a slow boat for China.

You're out wrinkling the lapels.

To myself.

Alone.

Please, you really must stop. Roger, I know what you're thinking. I doubt that.

Why would I think that?

Oh, Roger, silly dear, dear Roger, it can work. Roger, we can make it work,

But I don't want to make it work.

I'd love to get you on a slow boat to China.

Not even concrete.

7 -0 -0? Is that Miss Piggy's code name? No, it's her weight.

Her weight.

Okay, nice number, nice number. Thank you, Annie Sue.

Thank you.

Roger, you were great.

Oh, well, thank you, Kermit. By the way, do you use pies on the show?

Spies? No, pies.

Well, maybe down in a canteen. On stage.

I don't think so. Why?

I just trot in one.

noticed unless he mentioned it.

Okay, Luzielan, you're on.

Here I am, Luzielan and my fabulous singing fish.

With our rendition of You Light Up My

We saw Pygmalion instead.

Good riddance, suet snout!

Kermit, is it always like this on the show?

Oh, how do you mean?

All this craziness.

Oh, well, this is actually a rather quiet show for us. No unforeseen

so far.

Hurry up, Kermit!

Unforeseen disasters?

Well, that's a disaster we knew about all along.

Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.

Well, Nurse Piggy, ready to save another life?

Yes, Dr. Bob.

Good. Send the patient to another hospital.

Dr.

Bob, this is a special patient. Can't you tell by looking at him?

Yes, he looks like a very unlucky bullfighter. Gored right through the

was a Viking.

Oh, this isn't going to be a great Dane joke, is it? Well, it's a Dane joke, but

I wouldn't call it great.

Dr. Bob, no more jokes just because he's Danish.

Oh, don't blame me. I ordered a roll, not a Danish.

Gotta keep coming fast and furious.

Why not try fast and funny?

Just hurry it up, will ya? I gotta get back to my plundering and pillaging.

Oh, boy.

Listen, my ancestor, the Viking, was terrible. at plundering and pillaging.

was? Yes, he blundered his plundering and he was stupid with his pillaging.

How stupid was he?

They call him the pillage idiot.

And so we come to the end of another veterinarian's hospital. Tune in again

week when you'll hear Dr.

Bob say... Good night and may the good Lord take a Viking to you.

And now, ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on patrol.

Oh, oh great, you found my frisbee.

It is not a frisbee, it is my toupee.

It's a good thing I ordered a new one.

Oh, that must be the missing toupee representative, and you know what that

means. Yes, the wig man.

This could be your lucky day.

Well, I certainly hope so.

Oh, let's see.

These are the very latest.

It is not a wig.

It is not a wig.

It would look dumb and they would slide off my head.

No, these will never slide off.

I think we need new handcuffs today, sir.

He loses the key.

Here, you try them. What are you doing? I don't like this. Wait a minute. Oh,

whoa, sir.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're good, all right.

I don't know. There's something about them I just don't like.

Well, they do have some drawbacks.

How do you get them off?

That's one of the biggest.

Get yourself a decent frisbee.

Hello, Secret Service?

This is Kermit the Frog speaking from the Muppet Theater.

Listen, I need to hire a bunch of spies for a closing number.

Mm -hmm. How fast can you get here?

That was pretty fast.

All right, who gave you the Secret Service phone number?

No one. It's in the yellow pages.

It is?

Listen, all I want... with some real -life spies for a closing number. It's a

big spy spectacular featuring 007 James Bond.

James Bond?

Don't worry. We'll fix him.

Yeah, you won't be spotted by him again.

At last, the chance to get James Bond.

Kermit?

Excuse me, Kermit. Everything ready for the closing number?

It's all fixed up, Roger, and it's going to be absolutely and totally... Oh,

it'll be cute. Don't worry.

Cute was the only thing I hadn't worried about.

What then?

I'm going to sing Talk to the Animals, surrounded by oodles of cute, fluffy

little creatures.

You'll be surprised.

I'll be surprised?

I already am.

Rodney Rugg is in

Fortunately, with the tight security in the Muppet newsroom, it can't happen

here.

In other news, a black and yellow striped mackerel was elected king this

and... Mark?

Yes? Where have you been? I've been showing his majesty around the newsroom.

Holy mackerel.

No, your highness will do.

Would you like to be knighted?

Of course.

Okay. Good night.

Animals enact cute and cuddly.

Scooter, listen, I've got to go introduce the finale.

Now, some of these animals are spies.

You've got to get rid of the spies.

But how?

Well, tell them there are no spies in the closing number. You just say, spies,

go home.

We were going to do a big James Bond closing number with spies and counter

and action and mayhem But we're not going to do that So

here he is that gentle fun -loving charmer Roger Moore

To

the animals just imagine talking to a chimp In

chimpanzee. All right.

In talking to a tiger.

Rapping with a rabbit.

What a happy habit that would be.

If I could talk to the animals.

Learn languages.

Maybe take an animal degree.

I'd study elephant and eagle. Buffalo and beagle.

Alligator, guinea pig and flea.

Scratch the flea. I'd learn to parley -boo a beck -by -poodle.

With my gnu?

Your gnu -do would expand.

And if they asked me, can you handle afghan?

Yes, say.

I have can.

Now you'd get a hand.

If I conferred with my furry friends, man to animal, there would be no

animosity.

If I could walk with the animals, talk with the animals, grunt and squeak and

squawk with the animals.

And they could talk to me.

Excuse me, Roger, but aren't you also 007, James Bond?

Oh, sometimes.

Oh, I hope this is one of those times.

Why? Because those new guys over there are spies.

Spies, pies.

I trod in one earlier.

Trade a thought or two in language that I think they'll comprehend.

And to the music of Scarlatti, some judo and karate.

I'll prove I'm strong enough to make them pay.

Communication is what we need.

Then they'll understand. Things can always end up peacefully.

When I've explained to the animals, trained all the animals, fought and

and trained all the animals, they will talk back, too.

You talk to the animals.

Lonely dodder tongues.

I can speak your language fluently.

Now I can walk with the animals.

Talk to the animals.

Grunt and sweep and squawk with the animals.

And they can talk to me.

very courageous and brave and foolhardy guest, ladies and gentlemen, Roger

Moore!

Thank you.

I've had a wonderful time, and I have certainly learned my lesson.

Well, what lesson is that?

Well, from now on, I am through with cute, cuddly little animals.

Thanks to this show, I shall stick to the sick, weird, disgusting animals.

Thank you.

Well, I guess I'll go talk to the animals what animals the wife and kids