Original subtitles

I'm Loretta Swit.

Loretta Swit, our guest star. Yes.

Internationally acclaimed actress. Oh, well. Star of MASH.

Yes. Brilliant comedian.

You're very sweet.

Dressing room number three. Sweep the floor when you're throwing. Try not to

dirty the towel.

I'm beginning to wonder about this show. When my contract arrived, it was

written in crayon.

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Loretta Swit.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise a curtain on the Muffin Show tonight.

Why do we always come here? I guess we'll never know.

It's like a kind of torture to have to watch the show.

It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational,

salarational, motivational, this is what we do.

Wonderful show, because tonight's guest is the lovely star of the MASH TV

series, a brilliant comedian, a great movie actress, Miss Loretta Swit.

Yes, but while we're waiting to meet our invited guests, let's look in on some

other guests who weren't invited.

One night Farmer Brown was taking the air After locking up the barn with the

greatest care Then down in the hen house Something stirred when he shouted, this

is what he heard. There ain't nobody here but us chickens.

There ain't nobody here at all.

So rise yourself and stop that foot.

There ain't nobody here but us. Hey, we chickens are trying to sleep and you

bust in. And hobble, hobble, hobble, hobble with your chin.

There ain't nobody here but us chickens.

There ain't nobody here at all.

You're stomping around.

You're shaking the ground.

You're raising up a powerful dust.

We chickens are trying to sleep, and you bust in.

And hobble, hobble, hobble, hobble, dick and fin.

Tomorrow is a busy day. We got things to do.

We got eggs to lay.

We got worms to dig. We got ground to scratch.

And it takes a lot of certain getting chicks to hatch. There ain't nobody here

but us chickens. There ain't nobody here at all.

Quiet yourself.

Stop that foot.

I liked it. Oh, you.

You like that?

No, I just wanted to see what you do if I said I did.

Okay, nice opening number.

Chickens, check your guns.

Oh, can I help?

Come here, Tammy.

I have a surprise for you.

Yeah, what's that? Hold it.

Thank you.

What was that all about?

and run a show with people pulling dumb stunts like that all the time.

Congratulations, Chief. On what?

Well, that photographer said you were going to be on the big cover story of

big gossip paper, Tongue Magazine.

Yeah, they found out that you and Miss Piggy were secretly married last year in

Vegas. What?

Piggy?

Piggy? Yes, Mr. Piggy? Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the

gossip papers again?

Um, what would make you think a thing like that? The photographer who was just

here, he was from Tongue Mag...

It was a cover story about us being secretly married.

That's a bald -faced lie, Piggy. I will not stand around while you do dumb

things like that, Piggy. You have done that to me too many times, Piggy. I will

not stand for it. I will not stand for it.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Piggy. I'm going to fire you. Piggy, you

fired. You are fired, Piggy. You are fired. Fired.

kidding. I am not kidding.

But I'm in the next number. I will cancel.

Cancel the next number. Put on the Snorrer's course instead.

Snorrer's course.

Get the Snorrer's course on stage. Well, hold it. Wait. Get out there. Wait a

minute. It's mine. It's my number.

You can't fire me. I'm the star.

You can be replaced, Piggy. Oh, I see. Just try.

I will. I will. I will replace you. The Snorrer's are going to put the audience

to sleep.

Don't ask me, I was asleep.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, here in a salute to the San Andreas Fault, Miss

Loretta Swift!

I haven't laughed so much since I saw Earthquake.

Sweet, but sick.

I said I hate long goodbyes. So what? So long.

Oh, yeah?

Well, the Earthquake number went fine. I tell you, I do not need this show. I

have a whole world waiting up there for moi. Well, don't keep them waiting.

I have musical comedy offers, press conferences, film offers. The last...

this like grown -ups. When you don't discuss it like grown -ups, when you're

talking to a pig, you don't discuss it like grown -ups. Not you, boy. Not you.

Quiet!

Kermit, you can't just pick her up and throw her out in the snow.

Not without a forklift, I can't.

Very funny.

What, boy?

Kermit? Now,

listen to me. Who do you think you could get to play those scenes with the same

verve and...

pizzazz. Pizzazz.

Well, in Vets Hospital, I was hoping you would.

Oh, God.

Oh, do you think a costume would fit me? Sure. Oh, of course. Anybody can play

that part.

Oh, excuse me. Do you work here?

Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital.

The continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.

Say, isn't someone missing?

Okay, isn't someone missing?

Hello, I'm Nurse Loretta, and I'm here to fill in for Nurse Piggy. Well, if

you're here to fill in for Nurse Piggy, you'd better fill out.

Is that some kind of a fat joke?

Yes, unfortunately, it's not the funny kind.

Well, shall we get started?

Not yet.

I'm not sure you're qualified for what we do here at Veterinarian's Hospital.

Well, she might be.

I think I've seen her face somewhere else. Oh, that couldn't be. My face has

always been right where it is.

You just qualified.

Have you got the instruments?

Yes, doctor.

Scalpel, suture. Have you got clamps?

No, my stomach's a little upset, but I don't have any clamps.

I think you're overqualified.

Say, I just remembered where I saw your face.

It was on a show called Mesh. That's right.

Dumb name for a show, Mesh. Oh, I don't know. My uncle the sled dog was on a

show called Mush.

They didn't have a long run?

Yes, thanks to the Eskimo with the whip.

And so we come to the end of another veterinarian's hospital.

Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr.

Bob say... Wait a minute. We haven't had a patient yet.

That's nothing. You haven't had a laugh yet either.

Okay, okay, everybody.

Ready?

Scooter. Yes, okay, now let's rehearse it one more time before Miss Piggy comes

up. All right, okay. Here we go. Ready?

Sure.

Piggy will really like that.

Yeah. But in Piggy's case, shouldn't it be, and days of old Lang swine?

Now,

be serious, guys, because Piggy's been with us for a long time, and when she

goes, well, it'll be very sad. Yeah. Yeah, it's true.

Yeah, it's true.

On the other hand, when she goes, she takes her dog with her.

Yeah.

That dog is man's

best fiend.

Hey, Ralph, the guys and I know another song for Piggy. What's that?

For she's a jolly good porker. For she's a jolly good porker. For she's a jolly

good...

He's on the line.

It was a cover story, Piggy. It was a cover story. It said that we were

married. Scooter, Scooter, would you go up and ask Loretta if she would take

Piggy's part in Pigs in Space?

As you may recall, our last episode had nothing to do with the previous episode.

Or this one either.

Why, Leggy Pooh, how divine you look.

Don't be disrespectful, strange pork.

These are not mine. I was attacked by them.

Well, if they're not yours, whose could they be?

First mate piggy report to the bridge on the double.

Can we try that again without the nose?

You mean the snout out?

Much better. Now listen, First Mate Piggy. Yes? You must stop hanging your

things to drip dry in the shower.

Really? And whose is this?

Where did you get that?

Right where you left it.

Oh, that's a lie. I never saw it before in my life.

Then why did your mom throw your name tag in it?

I'm the captain.

I have to look my best.

All right, Swit, I'm back. I'm kicking over. Oh, I'm so glad you're back.

Oh, we missed you. I mean, well, no, this was really a lot of fun, but, oh,

belong here.

Really? Oh, yes. Oh, whoa, Pigs in Space is nothing without you. Oh, Lorette.

I'm so glad that Kermit rehired you.

This is terrible. We've been invaded by a little green monster.

Of course we're not. We've got two first mate piggies.

Listen, listen, you either get off this stage or I throw you off. Yeah, you and

whose army? I don't need an army to throw you off this stage.

Oh, now,

Kermit, you know how important Miss Piggy is to the show.

Well... And Miss Piggy. Oh, Miss Piggy, you know you wouldn't be happy anywhere

else.

Oh, so... Come on, now. Let's sing a nice, warm,

lovely together song.

I hate sappy songs like that.

All right, then. Why don't you two just kiss and make up?

Well, let's sing the sappy song.

You don't make it easy, Spock.

Isn't it warm?

Isn't it cozy?

Side by side.

By side.

Horse in a storm.

Comfy and cozy.

Side by side.

By side.

Everything shines.

How sweet.

Side by side.

By side.

Side by side. By side.

Everyone winks.

Nobody's nosy. Side by side.

how much we missed her. Kermit, go ahead. Well, what would we do without

Huh? What would we do without you?

How would we ever get through?

Who would I complain to for hours? Who would bring me the flowers when I have

the flu?

keep us occupied when we want to sleep.

How would we ever get through?

What would we do without you?

Okay, everybody, one more time, just for a minute, Biggie, huh?

She's funny as she remains calm when everybody around her is going Thank

you

Thank You Kermit. Oh, you know, I hope nobody out there believes that I was

really trying to take over for Miss Piggy Oh, no, no, no, because you know

a great actress and a great star has developed a role It's impossible for

another actress to fill her shoes

Funny, the shoes don't fit.

We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

South Dakota.

South Dakota has nothing to do with this show. That's what I want. Nothing to do

with this show.