Original subtitles

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Ms. Ethel Merman.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, palpitational, this is what we do.

another edition of The Muppet Show.

And we're very honored to have as our special guest star one of the true

of the Broadway musical stage, Miss Ethel Merman. Oh, come it, my love.

Since Ethel Merman is our guest, as a tribute, I plan to sing a medley of all

her great hits.

Uh, Piggy, why would anyone want to hear you sing Miss Merman's songs when Miss

Merman is here to sing them herself?

Well, since I've rehearsed them...

Why don't I just do him and call it a tribute to Irving Berlin?

Peggy, we ain't got out of here.

Out, out, out, out, out.

Okay, having settled that, let's kick off the show with a little number we

call...

That song had a nice beat.

No, no, I don't want to eat.

I said beat, beat, you old fool. Why don't you turn up your hearing aid?

There's going to be a raid. Well, let's get out of here.

I give up.

Okay, nice. Nice number, you guys. Good opening.

Kermit, Kermit, Kermit. Hey, my agent is dropping by a little later in the show.

Okay, fine.

Yeah. Hey, stand by for the next number.

Everything's ready, boss.

Good boy, Scooter. That kid's doing a great job.

Hey, do you think you'll have time to talk to him? Of course. I always have

to talk to Scooter. His uncle owns the theater.

No, no, no, no, no. I mean, my agent.

What does he own?

Ten percent of me.

Okay, okay. What does he want to talk about?

My contract.

Father, you don't have a contract.

That's what he wants to talk about.

Will you get out?

just introduce the guest star and get out of the way, but tonight I personally

get to participate.

You see, everybody wanted to sing a duet with Ethel Merman, and because she's

introduced so many Broadway hits, we thought that some of us could do a few

them. Or a few of us could do some of them.

Anyhow, I now take great pleasure in introducing Miss Ethel Merman and some

her songs, and some of us, and me.

You're the top.

You're the top.

You're the top.

You're the Lou Museum.

You're a melody of a symphony by Strauss.

You're a bundle bond of a Shakespeare sonnet. You're Mickey Mouse.

Is that a compliment?

You called me a coliseum. Sorry about that.

If you're ever in a jam, here I am.

If you ever feel so happy you land in jail, I'm your bail.

Friendships, friendships, just perfect friendships.

When all the friendships have been forgotten, I will still be hot. La -da

-da -la -da -dig -dig -dig.

The night is young, the skies are clear, and if you want to go walking, dear,

it's delightful.

The reason why you're sentimental.

Cause so am I. It's delightful.

It's delicious.

It's lovely.

Wherever we go.

Whatever we do.

They're gonna.

better than you. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you

can't. Yes, I can. Yes, I can.

Anything you can be, I can be greater.

Sooner or later, I'm greater than you. No, you're not. Yes, I am. No, you're

not. Yes, I am. No, you're not. Yes, I am. Yes, I am.

I can be a racer, quiet as people chaser. I can jump a hurdle, even with

girdle. I can do most anything.

Can you make a pie?

No. Neither can I.

Any notes you can reach, I can go. I can sing anything higher than you. No, you

can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you

can't.

Oh,

yes, you can.

We belong to a mute too.

opening of Panama Hattie.

You're old enough to remember Teddy Roosevelt and the opening of the Panama

Canal.

Hey, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit. Remember I told you my agent was coming?

Yeah. Well, he is here.

Where?

Here. He's a little short, Kermit.

He certainly is.

He's very sensitive, so no short jokes, okay? Okay, I'll try. Just introduce us.

Okay.

This is Irving Bazaar, my agent.

Hiya, Kermit. How you doing, sweetie?

This is an agent.

Where's your office, Irving? In your hat?

Uh -huh. Very funny. Very funny. Hey, who else do you handle? Rich Little?

Tiny Tim?

If I wouldn't handle you, I'd get what?

I don't think this negotiation is going too well.

Hey, don't worry, sweetie posy. We got him right where we want him.

Oh, Hilda.

Yes, Miss Merman. I don't wish to complain, but there's a mouse in my

room. Oh, yes, we'll move her tomorrow. But for now, it's the only place she has

to change.

Change? Yes, she sings in the band.

Is this a show or a zoo?

It's a zoo.

Perfect pitch.

What are you taking your tea?

Oh, milk, two sugars, one mouse, one what?

Mouse. Take a look.

Oh, I may be your dish of tea, but baby don't.

You sugar me.

to be sitting here with one of the greatest performers ever to grace the

American musical stage.

Hey, legend.

Oh, relax, Kermit, relax.

And you can call me Ethel.

But I'd like you to take it easy on that legend and the greatest stuff.

Sounds like a eulogy.

After all, I'm not quite ready to go yet.

No, no, no, I didn't mean it like that.

I mean, I admit that I've been around for quite a while, but there are some...

on this show that are older than I, like Fozzie's jokes.

They're right there. It just seems that you've always been a part of the

Broadway musical scene. I remember the opening night of Gypsy, you know?

Kermit, you were at the opening night of Gypsy?

Sure.

Come to think of it, I did hear some croaking in the audience.

Excuse me, Miss Merman. I do not wish to intrude, but I, too, am a singer of...

What note?

Who knows? It's always flat.

Watch it, flipper face.

As a sister singer, I gratefully admire your talent, and so I would like to

propose a toast in your honor.

Oh, how nice of you, Miss Piggy. To Ethel Merman, a great woman and a great

singer whom we can all learn something from.

Got any tips?

All that for one free singing lesson?

Well... Look, Miss Piggy, let's face it. You either got it or you ain't. And all

the singing lessons in the world ain't going to help you if you ain't got it.

Now, let's hear you hit that high note of yours again.

Well,

it shows promise.

See, Kermit?

But it's a bit subtle.

Now, this is the way I would do it.

Did you also make some recordings of an air raid siren during the war?

She and Kermit make a nice pair.

Well, she certainly is a peach.

We on the Muppet Show are very interested in puppets, for some strange

Anyway, tonight we're really delighted to have with us a man who produces the

world's funniest shadows.

Here he is from Australia, our guest puppeteer, Mr. Richard Bradshaw.

More! More!

Hey, wait. Look, there is more.

Oh, good grief, they heard me.

I met the kid for twice the price. Yeah, well, I don't know. My love, my...

What is that?

Well, this is Fozzie's agent, Irving Bazaar. We're negotiating a contract.

Hey, how you doing, baby? Kiddo, sweetheart, not bad looking for a big.

to handle you?

I already have an agent, short stuff.

I don't want to be your agent. I just want to handle you.

Right now, it's time to present a comic who, even as I speak, is in danger of

negotiating himself right out of work.

Ladies and gentlemen, the funniest bear since Maxie, Mr.

Fozzie Bear!

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, I get a feeling you're a great bunch.

Not like the audience we had last week. They weren't an audience. They were a

jury.

Yeah, he's my cousin.

Want to leave a wake -up call?

If you don't mind, cousin, I will do the jokes.

Let him roll. He's funnier than you.

Hey, will you guys hold it down up there?

You don't want them interrupting my act, right?

No, I don't want them interrupting our sleep.

Hey, bring on the comic.

And the comic.

And bring on the girls.

This is not that kind of show.

Then bring on the girl comic.

Now listen, I am not going to be heckled by some clown who just came off the

street. I am a pro, buddy, a real pro.

Look, okay, I'll tell you what. Everybody, I am going to turn my back,

I turn around again, I only want to see real Fuzzy Bear fans in the audience.

Okay, here we go.

How come you two guys are still there, huh? Did you lose your beds at the old

fool's home?

That's too late.

All right, Kermit, my client won't work unless you give him twice as much money.

Uh, yeah, I just saw how he handled that audience. But to show you what a good

guy I am, I'll give him three times as much. We won't settle for less than four

times as much.

Uh... How about a compromise?

Five times as much money. Six times as much.

Don't push it, Irv.

Seven times as much.

Eight times.

This is my final offer. Ten times as much as he's making now.

You got a deal.

Good. Oh, Irv! Irv!

Hey, congratulations,

kid. You're making ten times as much money. Yeah, yeah, and I used to make

nothing. Right.

And ten times nothing is...

Nothing. Yeah, right. And don't forget, I get 10 % of that.

You're worth every penny here.

Could you give me a hand down, kid?

Hey, Fozzie.

Yeah?

Listen, Fozzie, don't be discouraged.

Even if you don't make a lot of money, you're doing what you love to do.

Just look around you.

The costumes, the scenery, the makeup, the props.

The audience that lifts you when you're down.

The headaches, the heartaches, the backaches, the flops. The sheriff who

scotch you out of town.

The opening when your heart beats like a drum.

The closing when the customers...

Don't come.

I've said this before.

But there's no business like show business.

Like no business, I know.

Everything about it is appealing.

Everything the traffic will allow.

Nowhere could you get that happy feeling.

When you are stealing that extra bow There's no

people like show people They smile when they are

low Yesterday they told you you would not go far

That night you opened

Next day on your dressing room, they've hung a star.

Let's go on with our show.

There's no business like your business.

most enjoyable by our very special guest star, Miss Ethel Merman.

Oh, thank you very much. This has been the most fun I've had in a long, long

time. You know, you really don't have to be crazy to do this show, but it helps.

Miss Merman, from all of us to you.

Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy. They won't explode, will they?

Thank you for joining us and you too out there.

I wonder why I'm so itchy.

Maybe the show is starting to get under your skin.