Original subtitles

Muppet Show with our special guest, Armis Fuller -Stiller.

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on the Muppet Show tonight.

Hey, did you hear the one about the kangaroo who walked into a store and

hippopotamus comes out and says to the kangaroo, Hey, what's the thing here?

Introduce our guest star. That's what I'm here to do. So it really makes me

happy to introduce to you Miss Phyllis Diller.

But now let's get things started.

Ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to The Muppet Show.

We've got a really terrific show for you tonight with our super extra special

guest star, Miss Phyllis Diller.

Now, to get things started, we... Excuse me, there seems to be a frog on the

stage. There is supposed to be a frog on the stage.

There's supposed to be a bear... in the dressing room. Oh, well, you see, I

think you just worked too hard, Frog of My Heart, so I thought I would introduce

the show this week.

Okay, fine. You introduce the show, and I will pull the rope.

The rope?

What rope?

Uh, the rope for the trap door.

The trap door!

Now let's get things started on The Muppet Show with some Mississippi mud.

Thank you.

Bravo!

Oh, bravo!

Wonderful! Just wonderful!

How would you know? You're not even facing the stage.

Why did you have to tell me I was having such a good time?

Good number. Great number. Hey, hey, who forgot to wipe their feet?

I thought I told you guys to wipe your feet.

Oh, that Miss Diller, she is so wonderful.

Oh, nice lady, huh?

Oh, yes, Scooter, and so young -looking.

Scooter, just between you and me, do you suppose Miss Diller has had her face

raised? Oh, you mean lifted? Oh, sure, yes. She jokes about it all the time.

that's wonderful.

A person should stay young. and dynamic as long as possible.

Maybe I should consider that. After all, I am 35.

Hey, is it possible Hilda's 35?

Only around the waist.

And now, a lady so wonderfully nutty that she makes the great Gonzo seem like

Sir Lawrence Olivier.

Here she is, the zaniest of them all, the one and only...

Hey there, sailor. You new in town?

Do you make it a habit of annoying beautiful women?

Yes, but since there's none around, I'll go ahead and annoy you.

Why are you hounding me?

I'm a hound. What should I do, people you?

Cut the comedy. I'm depressed.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, let me buy you a drink.

I don't drink with strangers.

I'm Phyllis.

I'm Ralph.

I'll have a triple cream soda on the rocks.

Say, you are depressed.

Oh, miss?

Uh, miss, two triple cream sodas on the rocks.

Now, what's wrong?

It's just that I'm such a loser.

Um, I know what you mean. I am, too.

Do you know, someone gave me a beautiful white mink stole. Within a month, I had

developed black dandruff.

Oh, oh, that is depressing.

But did you know that my fleas have started wearing dog collars just to get

of me?

Oh, I know the feeling. I was in the backyard singing, twinkle, twinkle,

star. It fell on me.

I went to a taffy pool. The taffy won.

I swear if I bought a new hat, they'd cancel Easter.

Oh, you think that's bad?

Listen, I went to Hollywood and fell in love with a movie star, Lassie.

She left me for France as the talking mule.

I bought one of those expensive new cars that goes from zero to 60 in three

hours and 27 minutes.

I had to put it in low to get off a wad of gum.

You think that's bad? The first three months of my life, there was a newspaper

strike.

Okay, I was... it to the beauty parlor, and the lady at the desk said, Madam, we

do repairs, not reclamation.

So then I asked the hairdresser what I should use on my hair. He said, a mask.

But you see, I was born ugly. I have home movies of my folks leaving the

hospital with sacks over their heads.

My father asked the doctor, is it a boy or a girl?

He said, no.

I'm just a born loser.

Oh, maybe.

But you don't know what it's like to live life as a dog.

Don't be so sure, fella.

Listen, I gotta go now. Hey, wait a minute. What's wrong?

I'm having too good a time. A girl just can't be miserable in this dump.

You should stick around, Phyllis, while you and me could be rotten together.

Fantastic. What a performer she is. What's her secret?

What's her magic? What's her name?

You've forgotten, too, huh?

Whoever she is, she's every bit as funny as Phyllis Diller.

Who is?

I forget.

Oh,

good.

Nobody is around.

Time for old Hilda to become young.

even recognize their old wardrobe mistress.

Hi, Hilda.

The opening number costumes are downstairs. Would you bring them up

please?

And then again, I could be wrong.

Here's a Muppet news flag.

Dateline, Mobile, Alabama.

Mrs. Beverly Shepard has made aviation history in this southern city. Last

Mrs. Shepard made a pair of wings.

strapped them to her body, and flew to Dallas, Texas.

Here she is, direct from Texas, to tell us the details.

Gosh, am I really on TV?

Yes, Mrs. Shepard, you are. Now, can you tell us the details of this astounding

accomplishment? Well, it was so astounding. It was so easy.

I just made my wings out of aluminum, and I covered them with chicken

and then I fitted them with straps for my arms.

Yes, yes, go on.

went out to the airport and bought her a plane for Dallas.

What's the big deal?

I'm sure I have no idea.

Oh, I'm so crazy about you, I can't see straight.

Oh, I'm so goofy about you, I can't eat.

Oh, I'm so much in love with you, I can't even sleep.

Well, what should we do?

Well, I... Check into a hospital, man.

Finally good to get out of that box.

Yeah, pay attention.

I'm leading.

One, two, three, dip.

That's what I don't like about him.

What? He's always blowing his own horn.

Wasn't that garlic you had for dinner hot?

Are you kidding?

Oh, lazy bone, sleeping in the sun.

I expect to get your day's work done.

Never get your day's work done.

Sleeping in the noonday sun.

Lazy bone, sleeping in the shade.

I expect to get your cornmeal made.

Never get your cornmeal made.

When you sleep ahead, they eat change.

Oh, I say, lazy bones.

Loafing through the day. How you expect to make a dime that way?

You're going to never make a dime that way.

Never heard a word I said.

Yeah.

Well, hello.

Hey, hey, hey.

Kermit said I could chat with you because, well, we're both comedians, you

and frankly, I think you are the funniest person alive.

Yeah. Thank you. I was wondering if you could give me a few tips on comedy, hmm?

Why, that's so nice of you, Fonzie. Of course I'll give you a few tips.

Ah, ah, ah.

Of course I'll give you a few tips. That's so funny.

Wait, wait. I love it.

The first tip, don't laugh before I tell the joke.

Oh, this isn't going to be easy.

Okay, okay, okay.

I'll tell you what we need. Topics. Now, here's a topic. Topics. Bang is so

cheap, his idea of a deodorant is to scotch tape a pine cone under each

That's a husband joke.

I can't do that joke.

Why? I don't have a husband.

Well, then what?

No, no vice.

Well, make one up. They don't care.

What?

I couldn't do that. I couldn't lie to the audience.

They loved me. I loved them. I couldn't lie to the audience.

Well, you just did.

You told him you're a comedian.

Now, looky here. We've got to find you a topic.

Okay, topic.

Okay,

you must live somewhere.

Yeah, I got this small apartment.

Terrific. Small apartment joke. I live in an apartment so small, the mice are

hunchbacks.

No, I got a mouse, but he's not Hunchback.

He's got the gout.

Oh, wait, wait. I understand now. Wait. Oh, I see. Okay, here we go. You got it.

Here we go, yeah.

I live in an apartment so small, my mouse has the gout.

That's funny.

It's funny.

It is funny.

Oh, please laugh.

Please.

Fozzie, baby.

What? You're just going to have to learn to lie. Oh, but why, Phyllis? I'll tell

you why.

So in case you don't make it as a comedian, at least you can go into

Hug. Bug.

Buggy. Buggy. Mugger. Mugger.

on and my name's not Shine.

He calls me an old fool.

Well,

this time Miss Diller has given me some beauty hints.

Now everybody will notice the change.

Hilda, Hilda, it is great. The change is wonderful.

Oh, sure, yeah. Those dressing room towels have been dirty for a week. It's

wonderful that you changed them.

This means all out war.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today.

Well, excitement is running high here at the labs because today is the day we

introduce our new line of exploding hats.

Isn't that cunning, folks?

And, of course, for those who want the daring double -barreled effect,

earmuffs.

Well,

there you have it. These are the perfect companions to the perennial favorite,

the Muppet self -destruct necktie.

So, that's all for now from Muppet.

Pocket camera. Takes great pictures.

See there?

What are these pictures of? Pockets.

And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of an orthopedic

surgeon who has gone to the dogs.

is ready.

Yes, yes. I was just tending to an emergency.

A musician at the symphony just fell through his heart.

Oh, where is he now?

In rooms 9, 10, 11, and 12.

Okay, where's the next patient?

Uh, he's right here, Dr. Bob.

Oh, little fellow, isn't he?

This is no patient. It's a loaf of bread. The very thick one.

It's talking bread.

Dr. Bob, what do you make of it?

What else?

Dr. Bob has discovered edible patience.

Tune in next week when you will hear Nurse Janice say... Dr.

Bob, should I prepare the anesthetic?

No, just stand by with the marmalade.

Gee,

who is that? She is beautiful.

Excuse me, miss, can I help you?

Why, you're beautiful.

Thank you.

But you're so slim.

How do you do that?

Very tight foundation garments.

Oh, Hilda, I just want you to know that I think it's wonderful that you want to

look your best and just... Oh, darn, my girdle had a

blowout. Oh, that's okay, Hilda. We love you like you are anyhow.

Well...

just what she used to be.

And now featuring in concert with our own Muppet Orchestra, Miss Phyllis

Well, that's just about it for another show. We'd like to thank our special

guest star, Miss Phyllis Diller.

Oh, you're welcome, you're welcome, Phyllis. Would you do me a favor?

For you, for you, I would do anything.

Oh, how nice. Would you stand over there on the other side of me?

Uh, stand over here? Right over there. Sure. Yes. Is this okay?

That's just perfect.

Hmm. Okay, well, friends, as I say, it's to the end of the show now, so thank

you for joining us, and join us next time on the...

Loaded.