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Muppet Show with our special guest,
Armis Fuller -Stiller.
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It's time to play the music.
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It's time to light the light.
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It's time to meet the Muppets on the
Muppet Show tonight.
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It's time to put on makeup.
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It's time to dress up right.
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It's time to raise the curtain on the
Muppet Show tonight.
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Hey, did you hear the one about the
kangaroo who walked into a store and
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hippopotamus comes out and says to the
kangaroo, Hey, what's the thing here?
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Introduce our guest star. That's what
I'm here to do. So it really makes me
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happy to introduce to you Miss Phyllis
Diller.
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But now let's get things started.
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Ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to The
Muppet Show.
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We've got a really terrific show for you
tonight with our super extra special
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guest star, Miss Phyllis Diller.
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Now, to get things started, we... Excuse
me, there seems to be a frog on the
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stage. There is supposed to be a frog on
the stage.
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There's supposed to be a bear... in the
dressing room. Oh, well, you see, I
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think you just worked too hard, Frog of
My Heart, so I thought I would introduce
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the show this week.
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Okay, fine. You introduce the show, and
I will pull the rope.
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The rope?
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What rope?
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Uh, the rope for the trap door.
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The trap door!
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Now let's get things started on The
Muppet Show with some Mississippi mud.
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Thank you.
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Bravo!
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Oh, bravo!
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Wonderful! Just wonderful!
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How would you know? You're not even
facing the stage.
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Why did you have to tell me I was having
such a good time?
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Good number. Great number. Hey, hey, who
forgot to wipe their feet?
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I thought I told you guys to wipe your
feet.
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Oh, that Miss Diller, she is so
wonderful.
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Oh, nice lady, huh?
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Oh, yes, Scooter, and so young -looking.
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Scooter, just between you and me, do you
suppose Miss Diller has had her face
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raised? Oh, you mean lifted? Oh, sure,
yes. She jokes about it all the time.
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that's wonderful.
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A person should stay young. and dynamic
as long as possible.
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Maybe I should consider that. After all,
I am 35.
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Hey, is it possible Hilda's 35?
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Only around the waist.
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And now, a lady so wonderfully nutty
that she makes the great Gonzo seem like
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Sir Lawrence Olivier.
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Here she is, the zaniest of them all,
the one and only...
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Hey there, sailor. You new in town?
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Do you make it a habit of annoying
beautiful women?
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Yes, but since there's none around, I'll
go ahead and annoy you.
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Why are you hounding me?
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I'm a hound. What should I do, people
you?
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Cut the comedy. I'm depressed.
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Oh, I'm sorry.
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Hey, let me buy you a drink.
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I don't drink with strangers.
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I'm Phyllis.
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I'm Ralph.
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I'll have a triple cream soda on the
rocks.
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Say, you are depressed.
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Oh, miss?
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Uh, miss, two triple cream sodas on the
rocks.
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Now, what's wrong?
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It's just that I'm such a loser.
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Um, I know what you mean. I am, too.
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Do you know, someone gave me a beautiful
white mink stole. Within a month, I had
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developed black dandruff.
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Oh, oh, that is depressing.
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But did you know that my fleas have
started wearing dog collars just to get
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of me?
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Oh, I know the feeling. I was in the
backyard singing, twinkle, twinkle,
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star. It fell on me.
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I went to a taffy pool. The taffy won.
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I swear if I bought a new hat, they'd
cancel Easter.
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Oh, you think that's bad?
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Listen, I went to Hollywood and fell in
love with a movie star, Lassie.
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She left me for France as the talking
mule.
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I bought one of those expensive new cars
that goes from zero to 60 in three
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hours and 27 minutes.
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I had to put it in low to get off a wad
of gum.
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You think that's bad? The first three
months of my life, there was a newspaper
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strike.
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Okay, I was... it to the beauty parlor,
and the lady at the desk said, Madam, we
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do repairs, not reclamation.
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So then I asked the hairdresser what I
should use on my hair. He said, a mask.
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But you see, I was born ugly. I have
home movies of my folks leaving the
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hospital with sacks over their heads.
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My father asked the doctor, is it a boy
or a girl?
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He said, no.
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I'm just a born loser.
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Oh, maybe.
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But you don't know what it's like to
live life as a dog.
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Don't be so sure, fella.
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Listen, I gotta go now. Hey, wait a
minute. What's wrong?
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I'm having too good a time. A girl just
can't be miserable in this dump.
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You should stick around, Phyllis, while
you and me could be rotten together.
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Fantastic. What a performer she is.
What's her secret?
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What's her magic? What's her name?
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You've forgotten, too, huh?
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Whoever she is, she's every bit as funny
as Phyllis Diller.
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Who is?
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I forget.
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Oh,
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good.
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Nobody is around.
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Time for old Hilda to become young.
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even recognize their old wardrobe
mistress.
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Hi, Hilda.
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The opening number costumes are
downstairs. Would you bring them up
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please?
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And then again, I could be wrong.
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Here's a Muppet news flag.
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Dateline, Mobile, Alabama.
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Mrs. Beverly Shepard has made aviation
history in this southern city. Last
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Mrs. Shepard made a pair of wings.
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strapped them to her body, and flew to
Dallas, Texas.
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Here she is, direct from Texas, to tell
us the details.
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Gosh, am I really on TV?
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Yes, Mrs. Shepard, you are. Now, can you
tell us the details of this astounding
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accomplishment? Well, it was so
astounding. It was so easy.
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I just made my wings out of aluminum,
and I covered them with chicken
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and then I fitted them with straps for
my arms.
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Yes, yes, go on.
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went out to the airport and bought her a
plane for Dallas.
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What's the big deal?
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I'm sure I have no idea.
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Oh, I'm so crazy about you, I can't see
straight.
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Oh, I'm so goofy about you, I can't eat.
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Oh, I'm so much in love with you, I
can't even sleep.
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Well, what should we do?
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Well, I... Check into a hospital, man.
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Finally good to get out of that box.
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Yeah, pay attention.
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I'm leading.
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One, two, three, dip.
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That's what I don't like about him.
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What? He's always blowing his own horn.
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Wasn't that garlic you had for dinner
hot?
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Are you kidding?
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Oh, lazy bone, sleeping in the sun.
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I expect to get your day's work done.
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Never get your day's work done.
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Sleeping in the noonday sun.
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Lazy bone, sleeping in the shade.
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I expect to get your cornmeal made.
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Never get your cornmeal made.
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When you sleep ahead, they eat change.
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Oh, I say, lazy bones.
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Loafing through the day. How you expect
to make a dime that way?
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You're going to never make a dime that
way.
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Never heard a word I said.
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Yeah.
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Well, hello.
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Hey, hey, hey.
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Kermit said I could chat with you
because, well, we're both comedians, you
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and frankly, I think you are the
funniest person alive.
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Yeah. Thank you. I was wondering if you
could give me a few tips on comedy, hmm?
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Why, that's so nice of you, Fonzie. Of
course I'll give you a few tips.
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Ah, ah, ah.
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Of course I'll give you a few tips.
That's so funny.
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Wait, wait. I love it.
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The first tip, don't laugh before I tell
the joke.
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Oh, this isn't going to be easy.
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Okay, okay, okay.
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I'll tell you what we need. Topics. Now,
here's a topic. Topics. Bang is so
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cheap, his idea of a deodorant is to
scotch tape a pine cone under each
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That's a husband joke.
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I can't do that joke.
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Why? I don't have a husband.
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Well, then what?
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No, no vice.
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Well, make one up. They don't care.
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What?
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I couldn't do that. I couldn't lie to
the audience.
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They loved me. I loved them. I couldn't
lie to the audience.
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Well, you just did.
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You told him you're a comedian.
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Now, looky here. We've got to find you a
topic.
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Okay, topic.
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Okay,
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you must live somewhere.
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Yeah, I got this small apartment.
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Terrific. Small apartment joke. I live
in an apartment so small, the mice are
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hunchbacks.
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00:14:03,180 --> 00:14:05,480
No, I got a mouse, but he's not
Hunchback.
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He's got the gout.
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Oh, wait, wait. I understand now. Wait.
Oh, I see. Okay, here we go. You got it.
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Here we go, yeah.
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I live in an apartment so small, my
mouse has the gout.
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That's funny.
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It's funny.
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It is funny.
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Oh, please laugh.
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Please.
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00:14:30,180 --> 00:14:30,999
Fozzie, baby.
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00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:35,190
What? You're just going to have to learn
to lie. Oh, but why, Phyllis? I'll tell
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00:14:35,190 --> 00:14:35,929
you why.
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00:14:35,930 --> 00:14:40,030
So in case you don't make it as a
comedian, at least you can go into
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Hug. Bug.
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Buggy. Buggy. Mugger. Mugger.
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on and my name's not Shine.
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He calls me an old fool.
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00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:01,720
Well,
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this time Miss Diller has given me some
beauty hints.
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Now everybody will notice the change.
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Hilda, Hilda, it is great. The change is
wonderful.
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00:18:19,590 --> 00:18:23,150
Oh, sure, yeah. Those dressing room
towels have been dirty for a week. It's
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00:18:23,150 --> 00:18:24,470
wonderful that you changed them.
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00:18:26,410 --> 00:18:29,570
This means all out war.
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00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:37,290
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs
where the future is being made today.
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Well, excitement is running high here at
the labs because today is the day we
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00:18:41,590 --> 00:18:44,390
introduce our new line of exploding
hats.
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00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,360
Isn't that cunning, folks?
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00:18:55,680 --> 00:19:01,940
And, of course, for those who want the
daring double -barreled effect,
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00:19:01,940 --> 00:19:02,940
earmuffs.
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00:19:04,580 --> 00:19:05,580
Well,
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there you have it. These are the perfect
companions to the perennial favorite,
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the Muppet self -destruct necktie.
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00:19:14,980 --> 00:19:19,360
So, that's all for now from Muppet.
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Pocket camera. Takes great pictures.
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00:19:28,420 --> 00:19:29,079
See there?
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What are these pictures of? Pockets.
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00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:42,460
And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the
continuing story of an orthopedic
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00:19:42,460 --> 00:19:44,900
surgeon who has gone to the dogs.
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is ready.
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00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,620
Yes, yes. I was just tending to an
emergency.
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00:19:55,940 --> 00:19:58,920
A musician at the symphony just fell
through his heart.
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00:19:59,140 --> 00:20:00,520
Oh, where is he now?
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00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,780
In rooms 9, 10, 11, and 12.
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00:20:04,900 --> 00:20:06,500
Okay, where's the next patient?
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00:20:06,740 --> 00:20:08,120
Uh, he's right here, Dr. Bob.
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00:20:08,460 --> 00:20:10,380
Oh, little fellow, isn't he?
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00:20:11,060 --> 00:20:15,440
This is no patient. It's a loaf of
bread. The very thick one.
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00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:18,740
It's talking bread.
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00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:21,420
Dr. Bob, what do you make of it?
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00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:22,760
What else?
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00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:28,950
Dr. Bob has discovered edible patience.
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00:20:30,550 --> 00:20:35,170
Tune in next week when you will hear
Nurse Janice say... Dr.
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00:20:35,490 --> 00:20:37,890
Bob, should I prepare the anesthetic?
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00:20:38,190 --> 00:20:40,270
No, just stand by with the marmalade.
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00:20:43,770 --> 00:20:44,770
Gee,
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who is that? She is beautiful.
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00:20:49,110 --> 00:20:50,830
Excuse me, miss, can I help you?
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00:21:01,130 --> 00:21:02,130
Why, you're beautiful.
245
00:21:03,110 --> 00:21:04,110
Thank you.
246
00:21:04,190 --> 00:21:05,790
But you're so slim.
247
00:21:05,990 --> 00:21:07,030
How do you do that?
248
00:21:07,870 --> 00:21:11,250
Very tight foundation garments.
249
00:21:12,090 --> 00:21:15,290
Oh, Hilda, I just want you to know that
I think it's wonderful that you want to
250
00:21:15,290 --> 00:21:22,210
look your best and just... Oh, darn, my
girdle had a
251
00:21:22,210 --> 00:21:27,230
blowout. Oh, that's okay, Hilda. We love
you like you are anyhow.
252
00:21:29,210 --> 00:21:30,210
Well...
253
00:21:31,590 --> 00:21:33,470
just what she used to be.
254
00:21:35,410 --> 00:21:40,710
And now featuring in concert with our
own Muppet Orchestra, Miss Phyllis
255
00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:59,600
Well, that's just about it for another
show. We'd like to thank our special
256
00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:01,000
guest star, Miss Phyllis Diller.
257
00:24:01,580 --> 00:24:07,800
Oh, you're welcome, you're welcome,
Phyllis. Would you do me a favor?
258
00:24:08,060 --> 00:24:09,840
For you, for you, I would do anything.
259
00:24:10,260 --> 00:24:12,840
Oh, how nice. Would you stand over there
on the other side of me?
260
00:24:13,220 --> 00:24:16,320
Uh, stand over here? Right over there.
Sure. Yes. Is this okay?
261
00:24:16,580 --> 00:24:17,499
That's just perfect.
262
00:24:17,500 --> 00:24:21,220
Hmm. Okay, well, friends, as I say, it's
to the end of the show now, so thank
263
00:24:21,220 --> 00:24:23,260
you for joining us, and join us next
time on the...
264
00:25:07,630 --> 00:25:08,630
Loaded.
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