Original subtitles

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Twiggy.

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppet on the Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, monetational, this is what we do.

And what a show it is, because tonight our special guest is a beautiful young

lady whose face is known the world over. She only has one name but many talents,

the one and only Twiggy.

We'll be meeting her in a few minutes, but right now let's get things swinging

on The Muppet Show.

slip through it. Uh, me too. That's why I asked.

Okay, very nice, very nice. You guys have come a long way since you were

dusters. Thank you. I enjoyed it ever so much. Really, I did.

Kermit? Hmm? Kermit?

Call me kooky, call me crazy, but I think there's a phantom of the Muppet

You're kooky, you're crazy.

No, I'm serious.

I was just up in the star's dressing room and I saw the most ghoulish,

looking face in the closet.

It was me, clown.

I was hanging up the wardrobe.

No, no, no. After you left.

Listen, Kermit, I'm serious. There's something here that should be looked

Yes, your head.

Phantom of the Muppet Show.

Alex Scooter, we're kind of busy right now, but we'll keep our eyes open. I

mean, seriously, I think you've been using your imagination too much.

If there's a Phantom of the Muppet Show, I'm a monkey's uncle.

Anybody got a banana?

Right now, I'd like to introduce the lovely Leafy.

Barky. No, Branchy.

Twiggy. Do I get credit for being close?

Hi, everyone.

I'd like to thank you all for coming here today.

I really love press conferences.

I will try and answer any questions that you might have.

Great question.

Miss Twiggy, how is it that a beautiful girl like you only has one nose?

Eh?

Well,

I mean, that's usual, isn't it?

Yeah, so I noticed.

Twiggy, I have a serious question.

Who are the most important people in your life? Yeah, and what about the

Love them all.

Quiggy, make my heart sing.

Yeah, well, let me hear.

Nice song.

But your pacemaker needs tuning.

Don't do that.

Don't you know that this is serious? Everybody here is scared of the Phantom

the Muppet Show.

Kermit, you've got to do something.

Yeah, fuck. He's right. I just saw the most terrifying face peering out from

behind the sewing machine.

Oh, that was me again, you nitwit.

No, it was after you left. Oh, kitty cat.

Kitty cat.

Listen to me. This is ridiculous.

You've got to keep your head on your shoulders.

That's better.

Oh, sure, sure. You can jolt all you want. But there was something...

funny going on around here.

Fine, but there better be something funny going on out there.

Come on, move it. All right, go, go, go.

Phantom of the Muppet Show.

What fools these Muppets be.

Right now, the ever -popular Wayne and Wanda and their version of that great

oldie, let it snow, let it snow.

Let it snow.

Oh, let it work, let it work.

Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

But the fire is so delightful.

But if you've no place to go.

Funny? Ha!

There!

Ow! Oh, my nose.

Oh, thank you.

Hello, you two.

Oh, hi, Twiggy. Hey, Muffy and I here were hoping you'd tell us a little

story. Oh, I'd love to, but what would you like to hear?

Well, Muffy here really likes the poems of A .A. Milne. You wouldn't know one,

would you?

No one? I've rehearsed one.

It's called The King's Breakfast.

The king asked the queen, and the queen asked the dairymaid. Could we have some

butter for the royal slice of bread?

The queen asked the dairymaid. The dairymaid said, Certainly.

I'll go and see the cow now, before she goes to bed.

The dairymaid, she curtsied, and went to see the alderney.

Don't forget the butter for the royal slice of bread.

The Alderney said sleepily, You'd better tell His Majesty that many people

nowadays like marmalade instead.

The dairymaid said fancy and went to Her Majesty.

She curtsied to the Queen and she turned a little red.

Excuse me, Your Majesty, for taking up the liberty, but marmalade is tasty if

it's very thickly spread. The Queen said, Oh, and went to his majesty.

Talking of the butter for the royal slice of bread, many people think that

marmalade is nicer. Would you like to try a little marmalade instead?

The king said.

Bother. And then he said.

Oh, deary me.

The king sobbed. Oh, deary me.

And went back to bed.

Nobody. He whimpered. Could call me a fussy man.

I only want a little bit of butter for my bread.

The queen said, There, there.

And then she went to the dairymaid. The dairymaid said, There, there. And went

to the shed.

The cow said, Oh, there, there.

I didn't really mean it.

Here's milk for his forager and butter for his bread.

Queen took the butter and brought it to his majesty. The king said, Butter, eh?

And bounced out of bed.

Nobody. He said, as he kissed her tenderly.

Nobody. He said, as he slid down the banisters.

Nobody, my darling, could call me a fussy man, but I do like a little bit of

butter to my bread.

My brother.

Oh, maybe I should marry him.

Hey, hey, you said I could leave this time.

Okay, okay, but I thought you promised to wear the pink taffeta.

So I lied.

What's the difference between immoral and illegal?

Immoral is doing bad things.

Illegal is me with a tummy ache.

I didn't write it.

Thank you for letting me have this dance with you. What did you say your name

was? Mary Louise.

One, two, three, dip. Oh!

So I've recorded three record albums, and they're really great, but they

sold!

Uh, what do you sing, rock?

No, lullaby!

One, two, three, dip. One, two, three, twirl.

The world's first fully automatic psychiatric machine.

Simply insert coin in slot, step up to machine and I will tell you what your

problem is.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Okay, okay, now what is my problem?

You are much too generous.

What do you mean?

You also have a rotten temper.

I think that was great, right, Stadler?

Stadler, you fell.

No, my upper plate fell. I jumped after it.

Huh, Kermit? Listen, Scooter, there are no such things as ghosts or goblins or

phantoms.

Somebody,

help!

Hold on, what is it now?

Kermit, I just saw the most hideous, inhuman face. For a moment, I thought it

was gone.

All I see are a bunch of Muppets spreading mass hysteria. Now, there's no

thing as a phantom. That's final. Period. End of report.

Kermit, Kermit. What? What has a skull -like head, fiery green eyes, and a

horned tail?

I don't know.

I don't know either, but it's right behind you!

You will notice that I didn't fall for their joke.

And if it isn't a joke, I mean, if there is someone or something behind me,

there is no doubt a logical explanation for it. So I shall now just turn slowly

around and see what is going on here.

Pardon me, sir, but is there a logical explanation for your presence here?

Apparently, there is no logical explanation.

London. Mrs. Lola Thomas of that city has just finished eating an entire

tractor.

Tell me, Mrs. Thomas, why did you do such a thing?

Well, the doctor told me I had an iron deficiency, you see.

I started on a couple of doorknobs and the occasional typewriter, but there's

nothing really quite like a good bit of diesel tractor with your chips and pee,

is there?

What an extraordinary feat.

I mean, how was it done?

Oh, a medium rare.

Is this lady making a fool of me?

She didn't make a fool of him.

Nope. He managed it all by himself.

Nothing.

Who are you?

I am Uncle Deadly, better known as the Phantom of the Muppet Show.

Yes, sir. Well, Uncle Deadly, Phantom, whatever do you want? I mean, I'm just a

frog, just a little harmless, little helpless, little harmless green frog.

I never heard a fly.

Well, maybe I eat a few as a kid, but... Enough of your horrible little jokes.

Yes, sir. You Muppets have taken over my theater, my home.

Years ago, I was a great actor, a star. In this very theater,

my Hamlet was acclaimed as the greatest ever.

Yes, sir. And then I played my most difficult role,

Othello. What opening night. I was killed.

I'm very sorry to hear that. Who killed you?

The critics.

Enough.

I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else.

I will drive you all from this theater.

Leave for the door.

Which way do I exit?

or be doomed.

I don't think I like those options.

Kermit, oh, Kermit, we have been looking for you.

It was all a joke. Yeah, that's right, Chief.

George was just trying to scare us.

Yeah, he said he found an old mask and cape in the cellar. Can you imagine

Yeah, I was just fooling around.

There ain't no phantom. I was just trying to scare everybody.

Well, you certainly did, and if you ever do it again, you're out of a job.

You scared me out of about ten years' growth, and I can't afford to get any

smaller.

Leave or be doomed!

Uh, uh, George, um, if you're down here, uh, who's that up there?

That must be the best of all the Muppets!

That may have been one of the greatest performances of

my career.

Our guest star tonight was born in London, but all you folks in Enid,

better stand by to hear a soul sister.

Ladies and gentlemen, the down -home sound of the incomparable Twiggy.

You got a girl you love on Sunday, then you got another on Monday. That ain't

nobody's business but my own.

Sitting by the phone waiting for your call, you're out somewhere having a

That ain't nobody's business but my own.

Come over, stay here on them, and then I'll hear the back door slam.

I'm tired of staying good.

but I do want to give an extra special warm thank you to our lovely and

guest star.

Ah, thank you so much.

well every week this show looks better to me every week your eyesight gets