Original subtitles

It's the Muppet Show with our special guest, our Mr. Harvey Korman.

It's time to play the music. It's time to fight the fight.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on the Muppet Show tonight.

My house is so dirty, my dog buries his bones in the living room carpet.

I don't understand it either.

To introduce our guest star, that's what I'm here to do. So it really makes me

happy to introduce to you, Mr. Harvey Korman!

But now let's get things started on the Muppet Show.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello,

everybody, and welcome to the Muppet Show.

Hey, we've got a great show for you tonight, and our special guest is one of

funniest people in the business, Harvey Korman.

But right now, we'd like to open the show tonight on a high note.

Well, that's better than opening it with a bang.

Did somebody say bang?

No. Oh,

you can't win them all.

Can you hold it down up there, please?

Right now, let's get things started with Dr.

Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.

Yeah, it isn't Dr. Dean for that time. Who did it?

Three, four.

I'm gonna blow that atom bomb.

Oh, ring of souls.

I'm gonna blow that atom bomb.

I've always liked pantomime.

That wasn't pantomime. Your hearing aids busted again.

You're right.

I thought some of you might like to know a little bit more about our drummer,

whom we affectionately refer to as Animal.

Animal.

That's his name, actually.

Animal, why don't you tell our audience, how long have you been playing the

drums?

One,

two.

Five. Five years, huh? Five.

Yes, okay. Well, I guess your drums mean a great deal to you, huh? Oh, yeah.

Oh, nice.

You like them more than food, I guess, huh?

They are food.

Eat drums, eat nipples.

How symbolic.

Bad pun.

Yeah. Listen, I imagine you have a lot of idols.

Oh, yeah.

Buddy Rich.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Gene Krupa. Yeah, Krupa, Krupa.

Tony Checkers.

He's our new drummer. He begins next week.

Then again, maybe not.

My insides are killing me.

Oh, ulcers?

No.

Ladies and gentlemen, we present now what is considered to be the most

animal act in the entire world, the incomparable Harvey Korman, better known

Maurice the Magnificent.

Thank you, Duffy.

Be quiet.

You don't know.

The thing goes berserk when it hears loud noises.

I hate this.

But let's get it over with.

Open the cage!

It's particularly vicious this evening.

What a horrible animal.

It's very important. When he comes out, don't anyone scream.

All right.

Out! Out, you demon! Out!

Someone check the first row. I think the lady fainted.

Listen to me.

Give me your full attention.

Speak. Speak, you demon, speak.

I hardly know where to begin.

I was rereading balls at you.

Only in translation.

Enough!

You're very good with that whip, Morris.

What? Morris is such a good animal trainer.

He's got so much patience and courage and persistence.

Shut up, you black -hearted hellhound!

And love. What a sweet name.

Get away from me!

Get away!

My boy, listen to me.

I hate it. Listen,

boy. I want you to dance.

Dance, you demon, dance.

Come on, dance.

Move it.

Dance, ballerina, dance.

Move it.

More lyrics. That's it. This is really an easy trick. I wanted to ride a pony

around the stage, but Boris is afraid of ponies. What are you doing?

intellectual level of the program as we address ourselves to the topic, what is

the meaning of life? Indeed. Of course.

It's a fairly simple subject.

Let's start off with our guest panelist, Mr. Harvey Korman.

Sure. I think that life is a great deal like a tennis game.

Oh, no, it isn't.

Oh, yes, it is.

No, it isn't. Yes, it is. No, it isn't. Yes, it is.

and a pig's eye in it.

You're not just trying to slam at me.

The ball is in your court, Harvey. The score is pig five, guess nothing.

Well, it's the first time that pig scored in her life.

Now, can we have a little order here, please?

Oh, yeah, I'll have a ham and cheese on rye. That is the most insulting thing I

ever heard. Listen, life is a garbage dump if you want the truth. I think that

my original analysis that life is a tennis game will stand up.

Well, I'm standing up. Please, sit down. Sit down. You really think life is like

a tennis game?

It's a pig park.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means, yes, I agree.

Life is like a tennis game, but as clear as the nose on your face. That's some

honker you got there.

How would you like a pig knuckle set with you?

Please, please.

We are digressing. We are digressing.

Can we at last get back to the issue, and the issue is life?

Oh, I have the last issue of life. What?

And before they stop publishing.

It'll be worth a pretty penny.

Hey, I knew a pretty penny once. Penny Ferguson used to be a dancer.

I love to dance.

Hey, what are you doing after this show?

I've got a date.

Oh, well.

That's life.

Once again, we solved the problem. We did. We solved it.

Join us again next week when our subject will be, is conversation a dying art?

can get quite an education watching this show.

Are we watching the same show?

Oh, my beloved George, even though we come from two different worlds, I find

myself strangely attracted to you. Yeah, I feel the same way.

You mean you're attracted to me? No.

To me.

Weird, huh?

How do you think I'd look in a pork pie hat?

Oh, no, you couldn't. It'd be like wearing one of our relatives.

Hey, you want to come over to my place and listen to the Beatles?

Oh, I love their music.

What music? I mean real Beatles.

And some termites and such.

Why does that guy have a swelled head?

Conceited, huh?

No, he's just got a swelled head. Look out!

Hi, Harvey.

Hey, you know what? You know, we've been up all night worrying about ecology.

I'm right in the middle of a show. I don't have time to worry about ecology.

That's easy for you, but if all those trees go, we're in big trouble.

It's really great working with dogs.

Let's jam!

JAM!

Are you enjoying the show, Harvey?

Well, I don't know.

Oh, that's funny. You know, when I ask that, most of our guest stars say

having a great time.

Yeah, well... Aren't you having a great time?

No, Kermit, you and I are good friends, aren't we? You want me to tell you the

truth, don't you? Well, only if you're having a great time.

Otherwise, you have my permission to lie like crazy.

I've got to tell you how I feel.

All right, says the frog, preparing himself to face the music. What is the

problem?

The major problem is that... I'm the only human being on this show.

How's that again?

You heard me.

I'm the token person around here.

Gee, you've never had that complaint before.

Yeah, well, you got it now.

How'd you like to sit around the dressing room surrounded by dogs and

pigs and chickens?

I've never really thought about it. Yeah, well, think about it. I mean, on

shows, you get stage fright.

Here you get hoof and mouth disease.

Gee, Harvey, I didn't realize you disliked dogs and frogs and pigs and

I like dogs and frogs and pigs and chickens. The point is I just feel funny

about being the only human being here. Don't you understand?

Oh, oh, well, I can fix that. Hey, guys, come on in.

Wait a minute, take care.

Wait a minute, stop. Wait, no, move.

Wait a minute, please.

Piggy, please, I'm sick of this.

Does it make you feel better, Harvey?

I'm sorry, I don't have time to talk now, Kermit.

I've got to get backstage and lay an egg.

Well, to me, there's nothing funny about chickens.

And now, Veterinarian's Hospital.

The continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the

Anesthetic. Anesthetic, Dr. Bob.

Is this operation really necessary?

Scalpel. No, suture, suture.

Suture, suture, there.

Scalpel. Scalpel, Dr. Bob. How long have you been a nurse? Well, uh, what time

is it?

Dr.

Bob, you're... My hand is shaking. What's the trouble?

That's my nerves. I'm overworked and underpaid. This is my tenth operation

today. The hours are in turmoil. Yes, but we must get on with this operation.

This man has a bad case of hiccups. It must be gas.

Gas? Oh, he's in bad shape.

He's in bad shape? What about me? Doesn't anybody ever think about me?

We're losing time, Dr. Bob.

So, I'm losing my mind.

Practice, and all you can say is, but Dr. Bob.

But Dr. Bob. I told you, I told you, I'm so on edge, I'm about to explode.

So Dr.

Bob is going to pieces, and so is his patient.

Tune in next week when you'll hear the nurse say.

Dr. Bob, you've got to pull yourself together.

I'll try.

Not you, him.

I'd better quit while I'm ahead.

I get a tear in my eye when I introduce this next act.

Oh,

oh, there's one right there, you see?

Because they represent to me the very best this show has to offer. Indeed, the

very best this country has to offer.

So here they are now, just as sweet offstage as they are on, Wayne and

Oh, I need a hanky.

I get no kick from...

Get out of this chicken outfit.

What do you want?

What?

What?

Okay,

time once again for that furry, fuzzy, funny man, fabulous, freewheeling, fast

and frantic, Fozzie Bear!

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Not so fast. Tonight, I am going to use your assistance.

Oh, yeah?

Yes, sir. You and I... are going to tell the world's funniest joke.

This is all spontaneous, unrehearsed. Right, Froggy? It's unrehearsed, yes.

Okay, okay.

Now, Frog of my heart, you will just wait until I say the word here.

When you hear me say the word here, you will rush up to me and say, Good grief,

the comedians are bare.

Good grief, the comedians are bare.

When you say the word here. Right.

Gotcha. Okay, here we go.

Ready? Okay, here we go.

Now then, hi -ya, hi -ya, hi -ya.

You're a wonderful looking audience. It's a pleasure to be here.

Good grief, the comedians are back.

You just said here. That was the wrong here.

Which is the right here?

The other here.

Go, go, go.

Hey, hey, folks.

This is a story you're going to love to hear. Good grief, the comedians are

back.

You will know when I point to you.

All right, don't grumble.

Say, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the theater.

At the stage door, I passed a bunch of Muppet fans, and suddenly I hear...

Good grief, the comedian's a bear.

No, he's a gnat. He's a wearer and a neckatine.

Did you understand that joke?

No, but I don't speak Italian.

Here's a Muppet news flash.

Middleweight champion Carl Boomer says that since he has defeated all

challengers in the middleweight ranks, he will defend his title next week

against himself.

We go now to Boomer's training camp. Tell us, Carl, do you think this will be

tough fight?

Well, Muppet reporter, it will probably be one of my toughest.

But I think I will be able to knock myself out in the tenth round.

For the first few rounds, I will work on my body blows.

Then I'll go for my head.

Carl's body may last two rounds, but I think his head has already gone down for

the count.

That way down the stairs is a stair where I sit There

isn't any other stair quite like it

I'm not at the bottom, I'm not at the

top So this is the stair where I always

stop

Halfway up the stairs, isn't up and isn't down. It

isn't in the nursery, it isn't in the town.

And all sorts of funny thoughts run round

my head.

It isn't really anywhere, it's somewhere else

instead.

Halfway down the stairs is a stair where I sit.

There isn't any other stair quite like

it. I'm not at the bottom.

I'm not at the top.

is the stair where I fall.

we can squeeze into a half hour for this week. We've had a great time and we'd

especially like to thank our very talented guest star, Chicken Little.

Now stop it. Oh, sorry about that. Mr.

Harvey Kormas. And we'll see you all next week on The Muppet Show.

Well, the show tonight certainly didn't lay an egg. Rock!