Original subtitles

It's the Muppet Show with our special guest star, Mr. Bruce Forsythe.

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on the Muppet Show tonight.

Question. If a man born in Poland is a pole, is a man born in Holland a hole?

Thank you, buddy.

To introduce our guest star, that's what I'm here to do. So it really makes me

happy to introduce to you Mr. Bruce Forsythe.

But now let's get... Thank you. Thank you.

And if I sound a little British tonight, it's because our special guest star is

one of England's truly great performers, Mr. Bruce Forsythe. He sings, dances,

plays the piano, tells jokes. In fact, he's a one -man variety show, and we're

really pleased he's with us. But right now, let's kick things off with a new

musical group we call the Snurfs.

The Snurfs?

Well, I've seen everything.

Good. Can we leave?

Okay, nice number. Nice number, Snark. Way to go.

Mm -hmm. Oh, Kermit. Yeah? I finally got the punchline down for the act tonight.

Want to hear it?

Uh, okay.

Good.

Quack!

Uh, fine, fine. But, uh, keep working on it, okay?

Oh, sure, Toad. Thanks a lot. You know, put me down like everybody else. Yeah,

that's right.

Bitter or dark?

Oh, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, I am really going to get him tonight.

Get who?

Oh, Stanton and Waldorf. You know those two old guys who sit in a box and heckle

me every night? Well, tonight I am ready for him. Yeah, I can handle any insult,

any of them. Hey, hey.

Just try it, okay?

Let's see.

You be the audience, and I'll tell a joke, and then you insult me, and then

watch my razor -sharp wit at work. Okay? You ready, huh? I know. Good. Okay.

Here we go.

I wouldn't say my wife can't cook, but last night, she burned the water.

Boo! Boo! That's terrible! Terrible! Get off the stage! You are the worst!

Oh, please don't happen here.

Fonzie, is this an example of your razor -like wit?

Could still use a little sharpening.

When it comes to song and dance, men, it's pretty hard to top our special

So let's give a warm Muppet Show welcome to Mr. Bruce Forsythe!

Got my tweed press.

Got my best vest.

All I need now is the girl.

Got my stripes tight.

Got my hopes high.

Got the time and the place and I got rhythm. All I need's the girl to go with

him. If she'll just appear, we'll take this big bird.

I must have taken those pills.

It'll go away in a minute.

Whatever it is, it's a real one.

I hope it's not a female.

Yes, I didn't see you there. I'm sorry.

I'm doing my song and dance number. Would you mind waiting over there,

Over there, in the corner.

Over here. Let me show you. Let me show you. That's fine.

That's it. Okay.

Trust me, trust me.

I'll be gentle with you.

No, no.

Bring the feet. Bring the feet. I think the tail will follow. Bring the feet.

That's it. Good. Left, right.

Right, left. That's it. Good. That's fine. Now, could we just sort of twist

round now? There you go.

That's it. Now, back off, will you? Back off. That's it. Left hand down a bit.

Left up. As you were. Off you go. Off you go, then.

There you go. That's fine.

You see, I'm just going to do my song -and -dance number. It's the only thing

I've got in the whole show.

Worthwhile.

I've never seen anything... It is a female.

Well, there aren't many performers that could hold a candle to Bruce Forsythe.

Of course not. They'd burn him.

Saddler, you must be the old fool there's no fool like.

Hey, Kermit, Kermit, this time I have really got it. I have really mastered

art of handling hecklers.

Oh, you think so, huh? Yeah, I know so. I know so.

Okay, I tell you what.

You tell a joke, and I will heckle you. Great.

But, Fozzie, I expect a great comeback.

Right.

My cousin's so dumb, he thinks Eggs Benedict is a mafia gangster.

I've seen cheeseburgers funnier than that.

What do you think? Too subtle?

Would you like to come to my place for dinner tomorrow night?

Maybe. What are you fixing?

Well, do you like duckling?

I don't know.

I never duckled.

Do you know what happened in 1776?

No, baby, but there's a great party in 1342.

I'm really into American history.

Oh? Mm -hmm.

Washington, Jefferson, Revere.

Oh, do you like Franklin?

Well, I don't know. I've never Frankled.

Do you mind if I light up?

Why, no.

Many, many years ago

when I was 23, I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown -up daughter who had hair of red. My father fell in love

with her, and soon they two were wed.

This made my dad my son -in -law and changed my very life, for my daughter

my mother, cause she was my father's wife. To complicate the matter, even

it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy. My little

baby then became a brother -in -law to dad, and so became my uncle, though it

made me very sad.

For if it was my uncle, then that also made him brother of the widow's grown

daughter, who, of course, was my stepmother. Oh, I'm my old grandpa.

I'm my old grandpa.

It's not funny, I know, but it really is so.

Oh, I'm my old grandpa.

Father, his wife, and had a son who kept them on the run. And he became my

grandchild, for he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother, and it makes me blue.

Because although she is my wife, she's my grandmother, too.

Oh, if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild. And every time I

think of it, it nearly drives me wild. For now I have become the strangest case

you ever saw.

As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa.

It's how funny I know, but it really is so.

Oh, I'm my own grandpa.

Well, Bruce, welcome to our show. Well, it's very nice to be here, Kermit,

although, of course, it is a little strange.

Strange? Yeah, well, it isn't like any other show on television. I mean, I'll

buy the fact that you're a frog who can talk.

Well, there's nothing strange about that.

And I'll even buy the chicken who shares my dressing room.

No, but she's not for sale. I beg your pardon? No, the chicken's not for sale.

Oh. I mean, I wouldn't mind selling her, but her husband plays in the band.

No, you misunderstand me, you see. I don't actually want to buy a chicken.

Oh, I see.

Mind you, I wouldn't mind leasing a duck.

I can let you have a duck right here. I can give you a good rental deal on this

duck. Oh, it's not a bad -looking duck.

Oh, it's a great little duck. I mean, it was last owned by a little old lady who

only used it as a decoy during the hunting season. Really?

Well, how much to rent this duck for a month?

For one month, this duck will cost you a pig and two rabbits. A pig and two

rabbits? Yes. Hold on a minute, will you? Yeah, one pig.

There we are. And I'm fresh out of rabbits.

Have you got change of a rat?

Oh, sure, I can. Let's have a look back there. Oh, good. That's fine. Okay,

well, that's fair. Okay, is that a deal?

Mind the legs.

Okay, wonderful doing business with you, Bruce. Love to do business with you as

well. Okay, let's go, guys. Come on, come on, come on. Off you go.

Fine, fine.

You see, it is strange here.

Any other show on television charges at least two pigs a month for a good duck.

I wish I had a good -looking bird.

Two pigs for one lousy duck?

This is an outrage to all portums.

I really missed it, Miss Piggy. I was only joking. I wasn't having a go at

Yeah, well, have a go at this.

Hurry up!

That

Miss

Piggy takes umbrage at the slightest annoyance.

I usually take aspirin. Maybe I'll try some umbrage.

Same to you and more of it.

Fonzie, I know you're worried about your act tonight.

Oh, boy, am I? I really want to get the best of those two old hecklers, Kermit.

Well, I can guarantee you that Statler and Waldorf will not heckle you tonight.

But they always heckle me. Every show they heckle me. Well, why not tonight?

Well, the show's running long and your act's been cut.

Now, hear that? Hear that?

Yes, honey. Don't move. Just stay right there.

But why?

So you can break my fall when I faint.

Do it. You faint.

Once again, it is my distinct pleasure to introduce to you those two solid

citizens of song, Wayne and Wanda.

Decent, decent people.

I think that I shall never see a poem

lovely as a tree.

Oh, Kermit, now you've got to let me do my big act in the show, please.

Yeah, but listen, Fonzie, this is just one week.

Oh, but Kermit, in this type of show, people expect a stand -up comic.

Yes, and we got one.

Oh, oh, then I am going on after all. No, Bruce Forsythe is.

Tilda!

You, you fool.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, tonight we thought we'd give Fozzie Bear a rest.

you're not giving him a rest, you're giving us a rest.

Yeah. Okay, be that as it may, substituting for Fozzie tonight is our

guest star, Mr. Bruce Forsythe!

Thank you so much, thank you, and may I say you look a wonderful audience.

Don't be too sure, we haven't heard your jokes yet.

Sir, you're old enough to have heard my jokes, Bob Hope's jokes, and Milton

Berle's. In fact, if you've heard Milton Berle's jokes, you've heard everybody's

jokes.

Same old stuff.

We want new blood.

Yeah, well, you certainly look as though you could use some. Why don't you go to

the blood bank and cash an artery?

Good, good stuff.

Yeah, that works better.

I'm sure you have, sir. You know, in fact, at your age, you're lucky you can

hear at all.

Only kidding, only kidding. You've probably got a great sense of humor. In

I know you have. I saw your wife outside.

Oh, he's burying me. He's burying me.

All right, but you know, one thing I like about our two countries at the

is we do have this cultural exchange going on. I mean, we send you lots of

drama shows like Upstairs, Downstairs, The Six Wives of Henry VIII, The Forsyth

Saga, and by the way, I thought Eric Porter played my life brilliantly.

I was going to play the part myself, but they said I wasn't the type.

And then, of course, you send us your drama shows like Columbo, Starsky and

Hutch, Policewoman, and not Shakespeare, perhaps, but just as violent.

And by the way, thank you for Kojak. He's made such a big hit in our country,

and he's such a sportsman. He goes to Scotland, plays golf, and he's also a

ten -pin bowler. Got the head for it.

But he gets very annoyed at the bowling alley because people keep sticking their

fingers up his nose.

He's got to be a split.

Anyway, all right, we don't need to talk about him. Let's get back to me. Ladies

and gentlemen, I'm sure... Please,

please call me Bruce.

Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Fozzie Bear.

Hooray!

Yeah, St. Kevin's is only one.

Oh, see those guys up there? The minute I come out, they start up. They start

up. They do, they do.

See the box they're in? Yeah. I may decide to bury them together.

Oh, boy, see how he handles them, see?

I was watching you. The wings over there?

Yeah, well, why don't you flap them and fly out of here?

Tall, tall.

Look, you can handle those two. Well... All you need is a bit of pacing, a bit

of timing. Yeah? The right retort, the right line. Well, he couldn't throw a

line to a drowning man.

Do you mind?

We work alone.

That is, unless we work together.

A little soft posse. Go for the jugular vein. There, go right in. Right there.

Okay.

Uh, uh, oh, oh. Uh, hey, is that a suit you're wearing?

It's a nice one, yeah. But won't your wife notice the hole in the living room

rug?

That's good. Now you're rolling. Go in for the kill. Go in for the kill.

Hey, that son knows he got that, Buster. Why don't you rent yourself out as an

anteater?

I like it. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

You call that a head? I've seen better heads than cabbages.

Don't want to lose your audience.

You call that an audience? It looks more like an oil painting.

You've got him, Bellini. You've got him. Got him? Who wants him? Who wants him?

Oh, no. Enough.

Enough. We surrender.

We surrender.

No more. No more. You did it, Fozzie. I did it, Bruce.

I did it. Oh, I did it. I did it.

Oh, this is the happiest moment of my life. Oh, just learning from a pro like

you. Working side by side with one of the great... You even learned how to cue

the big musical finish of a comedy film.

You did?

Yeah? Yeah.

All right.

Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money.

Maybe we're ragged and... But we travel alone.

Singing a song. Thank you, Mr. Forsythe. It's my pleasure, Mr. Bear.

Hey! Travel along, singing a song.

And now, Veterinarian's Hospital. The continuing story of an orthopedic

who's gone to the door.

Well, Dr. Bob, here's your next patient.

Well, what have we here? Another sick chicken?

I'm not a chicken. I'm a duck.

Shall we prepare for surgery on the chicken?

Duck! What was that? I don't know.

Somebody yelled duck.

Well, let's get back to the chicken.

I don't understand what's going on around here.

Duck! Oh, no, I'm not going to fall for another one of those.

So Dr.

Bob has received a serious blow.

Tune in next week when you will hear Dr.

Bob say to his patient,

Well, what kind of doctor do you think I am?

I should know better than to ask a chicken.

Let

there

be you.

Let there be me.

Let there be oysters under the sea.

Let there be wind and occasional rain.

Chili con conning.

Sparkling champagne.

Small ones, huh? Yes, that thing in the trees. I don't want that big one back.

Someone to bless me whenever I sneeze.

Bless you, piggy.

Let there be cuckoo, a lark and a dove,

but most of all, please...

Let there be cuckoo A lark and a

dove But most of all, please Let

there be love

special guest star, Mr. Bruce Forsythe!

Thank you, thank you. It's been a pleasure to be on this television show.

And Kermit, you're a wonderful MC.

Yeah, but he's an MC squared.

He's so dumb, he thinks Veronica Lake is a body of water.

Please, Fozzie, a little humility?

Yeah, if you want to be working next week. Oh, next week? Oh, please forgive

Frog, please!

This show brought a tear to my eye really yeah, I'm sitting on a tack